Mother in law will not discuss funeral planning...how to make this happen?

Hi WuzzyBlue. My advice is to drop the subject and move on. To be fair this is
a question Your Mother in Law is not able to deal with right now, but when She is I bet Mother in Law will make Her wishes known to You and the Family.
As for building the 1,000 Square Ft appartment on to Your home, this will add to the value of Your home after Mother in Law dies. Consider this an investment much safer than having that money in the Bank. As for Siblings contributing zero and have a boat load of opinions while disagreeing with every thing is a very common occurrence, but then this probably eases their guilt. As for Mother in Law Who is in Her late 70's, and may Live another ten
twelve or fifteen years ? and hopefully She will and You will have loads of time
to deal with this matter.

I think you should spend your money wisely and buy an Insurance Policy on her with you as being the Beneficiary of course.

Then at her death, if the other Siblings don't want to chip in, she should be Cremated and her Ashes can kept or spread at a place you know she enjoyed being. You could even Spread them at you and your husband burial plot.

This is probably mean but my response to her would have been "well, we don't have the money since you are not paying rent, so we will have to go with cremation which is the cheapest" (although not inexpensive by any means). Many older people don't want cremation and that might spur her on to do something. If not, go through with it and if you can get siblings to help count your blessings. If she gets $1700 a month, what does she do with that? Having hardly any expenses, she might have a little money in the bank which certainly could be used to pay for the funeral. Does anyone have a POA or does she even have a will?

I was definitely fortunate with my mom. She was very upfront with me about her finances and for the final 6 years, I was totally in charge of them. We never pre-planned the funeral, but did meet with the priest she wanted to do the service, and I knew the funeral director she wanted to use so for me, the hardest part was finding pall bearers, since some that she had wanted pre-deceased her! And being the last survivor in the family, there was no one to complain about my decisions.

Start charging a bit of rent to cover her current and future expenses. Cremation and ashes spread can be cost effective. Doesn’t sound like she wants to deal with the topic but you can tell her this idea. Does she have life insurance? Perhaps she can leave it for you to cover all this. Good luck!

My narcissistic 90 year old mother made me the executor of her will and trustee on a trust. She told me (only) that she doesn't want a funeral (she always loves playing the martyr) and wants to be cremated. She refuses to put that in writing. When I told my older siblings (the children she loves - unlike me), they said I was wrong.

She's always "triangulated" us so I have no relationship with my siblings and she loves to make me look bad (though I've been the caretaker and her helper my whole life), so she's done it even with death. I've decided I'll just let my siblings dictate and not fight for what she told me she wants. It's not worth destroying my mental and physical health more to "defend" her wishes anymore.

When I begged her to put her wishes in writing because my siblings didn't believe me she promised she would. Instead she spent days studying death notices in the paper, then gave me only her glowing death notice for me to publish when the time comes. She wrote nothing of her funeral or burial wishes she tasked me with though....

My post probably doesn't help you, but it helps me to vent - so thank you - and I wish you get the best outcome with your situation.

Wuzzyblue, simple, she doesn't care what you decide. Donate her carcass to science and get her cremains back at some point and scatter them in the garden. Free!

Why is she not paying her own way? That doesn't even make good sense. She needs to pay her own bills and be the grown up she is. A reduced rent to at least cover her utilities and paying for her own auto insurance is not asking to much. Oh my, when she really needs help the precedence that is being established will make her a monster to deal with, she will feel entitled to order you all about and do her bidding. She will not hesitate to fight your wishes, it will be here way or hell to pay. Something to consider.

It sounds like she is completely leaning on her son. This can be typical when an older woman loses her spouse (she will begin to lean on her oldest son). Your husband is completely carrying your mother, so she has no reason to believe the end times will be any different.

As long has your husband is beneficiary or co-owner of her checking/savings account you won't have to go through probate (another cost). If he isn't and she won't, then depending on your state you can wait two or three years and get it out of unclaimed funds. That's what I am doing. I check once a month, it should be showing up soon.

Sometimes (if the amount is under $10,000) the bank will let your husband have it if he shows a paid funeral bill and the situation is not in probate.

He most likely will be able to keep her last social security check that comes after she dies. Those checks are paid after the month. My mother died the 3rd of July, but we were allowed to keep the check that came in July because it was for April (and she was alive the entire month of April).

When the time comes, shop for Cremation services. Whether you have a Memorial Service or not is up to you. A Visitation or Funeral or Memorial Service is not required.

If your MIL has some money left that you can access, use it for the cremation. Even if you have to pay with your own money, you can probably manage that cost. Check prices in your area so you'll have some idea what to expect.

Your MIL may not be able to deal emotionally with the reality of dying. She has told you she doesn't care what you decide. She is not demanding that you provide a huge gala in her honor. Even an obituary notice is optional. Assume it is being left up to you, and plan accordingly. You do not need to spend a huge amount of money.

Show her your plan. Simple cremation. No service. If she wants something more, she needs to provide the funds for that now. The cost for simple cremation- no service, no urn, etc for my FIL was 1200. We actually were following his wishes, but if you MIL refuses to say she wants more than that, why would the family provide that?

There are a variety of avenues one can take. Buy a guaranteed life insurance policy. Save $100 a month. Deal with it when it happens. It does nothing productive discussing such a delicate issue especially if she doesn’t want to. It’s disrespectful actually. Do what you are able to financially afford for her funeral. If cremation is financially doable it’s a lot cheaper. Death is unpleasant and frightful to say the least. I tell my kids throw my body in the pasture and light a match. Of course I’m joking. My kids know my humor.

My point is love finds a way. And arguing is actually a sign of a poor and weak personal relationship lacking in love for the dying person.

Respectfully, you are asking how to have a conversation with the wrong person. This is your mother-in-law, not your mother. Your conversation seeking answers to the questions you've asked should be with your husband, not your MIL.

As a minister, I counsel families in this situation often. This isn't new. And sadly comes all too often with a spoonful of extra pain.

I fully understand your desire, and right, to have your questions answered. You are wise to be looking ahead with practicality. That said, if you take the lead in asking her these questions she is likely to make you the "bad guy" for forcing her to face these issues. Resentment generally will then bubble to the surface creating a host of other problems. I'm not suggesting such responses are justified, only to say, I've seen it happen countless times.

My suggestion would be to have a private talk with your husband to find out where he stands. Once you two are on the same page with expectations of what you will and will not be taking care of, it then becomes his job to have a talk with HIS Mom.
He can respectfully ask her what her wishes are for her years ahead, and then clearly state which of those details you & he will be helping with and which details she will need to financially cover with other sources.

I find myself explaining to people that these conversations come down to one thing, setting healthy boundaries. It need not be an ugly conversation once healthy boundaries and expectations are set. The thing I cannot stress enough, that conversation needs to happen between parent and child, AFTER the "child" has come to definite and unequivocal agreement with his/her spouse. And it actually makes the conversation with the parent easier when they enter the talk clearly knowing in advance which responsibilities they will accept.

Be the encourager to your spouse reminding him, once the two of you are on the same page, the talk with his mom is not a negotiation. He is simply sharing the facts with her. How she responds is her choice. MIL may not initially like the boundaries set, but to be blunt, "oh well." She'll swallow them a whole lot easier though if they come from her own child.

Your standing in the role of just 'supporting your husband' will keep you out of the line of fire and make your home a whole lot more peaceful as MIL must start making decisions she preferred to shove off onto others.

It's important to be respectful to our parents, while remembering our relationship with our spouse comes first.

This situation is bigger than the funeral expenses. She has the means to pay something for her care in your home, and you need to give her the dignity to do it. Whether you keep the $$ or spend it on her funeral or day to day care is your decision. By allowing her to pay, it puts value on what you have done for her, and also keeps bitterness about you footing all her bills in check. Whatever she does pay you won't come close to what you've already spent plus monthly expenses, but it will acknowledge your contribution to her comfort and care that no one else has done.

I personally do not wish to have any services. I would like to be cremated. I am uninterested in what is done with my ashes. If this is terribly important to you, that you MIL speaks about her after death care, then perhaps tell her about my options, which I have already made VERY clear to my family. And tell her that will be your own choice for her, unless she prefers now to make other specifications and choices.
To me, personally, this end of life stuff is quite a waste of money. That said, not everyone thinks as I do, and many love celebrations of life, and a place to "visit" under the shade of an old oak. Some fine great comfort in religious ceremonies; many find closure.
So, there you are. You have lots of choices. If still MIL refuses to budge, then, when the time comes and given you do not pre-decede her (entirely possible since I just had a young acquaintence pass at 45 very suddenly), you can make a nice, quiet, relatively inexpensive choice for her. She seems to prefer it that way.

Big funerals are crazy. Cremate her and have a luncheon If you allow her to take advantage it’s on you not her.

I donated my body to Stanford. You contact and they pick up and send you ashes when complete.

And finally...if she says it’s a moot subject, then respect that and say nothing. Just do it—she won’t know, unless you believe she will—in which case you’ll have to deal with yourself...which is of course a whole other bag of worms.

Tell her that you will arrange a Viking burial ceremony, sending her off to sea while shooting flaming arrows to the barge!  If she doesn't like that one, then go "got it...cremation it is!!!"

All joking aside, maybe she is a little "shocked" or grieving her sister's recent passing, so give it some time.  I do agree with the ones that have mentioned that his son should do the approach.  But if she won't even discuss it with him...then see original "joke"!

My family members so far have been very vocal and hands on with what they want after they pass away!  I have one aunt that wants an all out wake...with lively music and all!  My Grandma chose and paid for the arrangements!  And my mom already said she wanted to be cremated!

So...if she refuses to talk about it and be in the planning of it, go ahead and research the financial option that will suit your budget best (cremation?), then let her know this is what you've decided. If she wants anything different, then inform her that you will be glad to do so when she makes available the finances for it.

You know what.....I don’t think you should tell her anything. If she doesn’t want to prepare for her funeral ahead of time, that’s on her. I wouldn’t try to coerce her. Don’t waste your time. If she doesn’t care enough then why should you?

What I would do is sit your husband down and have a frank conversation about this and get on the same page about her funeral. Try to come to an agreement on how much you will pay for out of pocket. I don’t know what state you are in, but in California we paid $1300 to have my FIL cremated on June. That was without an urn.

I think that her lack of financial contribution to the household is a separate issue and whether she starts saving for her funeral or not, she needs to start contributing now. There is no good reason for you to be financially supporting her—and that is exactly what you are doing. She should be paying you room & board and helping with a few utilities or at least buying groceries. If you have to drive her around, she can fill your gas tank once in awhile and pay for an oil change too.

It sounds like you've created an Entitled Monster! Your MIL sounds like she's been well taken care of by you and your husband, thinking about, and paying for, her every need. Why would she feel the need to think about anyone else? I understand your frustration because I have a Mother like that. She thinks she's the sun - the world revolves around her. Frustrating to say the least.
Who is the executor of the will? I'm not sure if it is in all states, but I believe executors can be paid. If she doesn't want or care about her final resting place, find the least expensive option, let her know this is what it is, and get reimbursed afterwards.
And I'd certainly stop paying for everything! You've got your own life to live and pay for!

Hi, I hope you immediately begin charging her a nice hefty rent every month, (& thereby accrue funds you need to contribute to her burial). Possibly consult a lawyer also. Good luck, but don't put up with any crap!

People typically don't appreciate anything that is "free" (which is one reason why I oppose unearned SS payments, medi-caid, and all permanent welfare programs excepting temporary programs that cover people trying to get back on their feet after an unexpected setback.) Let MIL know she is expected to cover her own expenses, rent, food and utilities included. Easy to say, hard to do, I know, but it seems to be necessary.

Not your monkey, not your dance. You are setting yourself up to be triangulated between your mother in law and her son. You don't want to go there. Best to back up, have a heart to heart talk with your husband and have your husband deal with his mom. If he can't or will not, then that's another problem which will call for further action because that will likely mean that he is a co-dependent, enmeshed "mommy's boy."

Definitely rent, or expenses, to go toward it, whether she knows about how you spend it or not.  Fiblets work.  My first husband refused to make a decision or discuss it.  The natural consequence of that was, I made all those decisions myself right after he died. His mother and even siblings tried to influence, and I said no.  My decision.  Our children were consulted and agreed with me.

Sounds like everyone here is of like mind. Wuzzyblue, has this helped you at all?

this thread just had me asking my hubs if his father had prepaid his funeral.. Hubs replied "I don't know".. Ok then... FIL lives with BIL and SIL in a house FIL bought for all of them to live in.. He pays all the bills. My thought is OK they can figure it out. MY mom wants to be cremated as my Dad was, and the funds are there for that.

Who will have access to the funds she has saved (by not paying housing) when the end finally comes? That account can be used to pay for whatever type final arrangement it will pay for - her assets are used for final expenses and debt. If there is nothing left, are there any siblings that would step forward to make arrangements??? If so, let them do the signing and agreements and state what you did here about not charging rent and giving free space all this time. Perhaps one of the siblings could have better luck with her in discussion of this.

You shouldn't be footing the bill for her funeral.

I am a planner too - I get you! It would certainly be better if it was pre-planned... but if not, it will get done when required.

Where I live the funeral service account is allowed to be withdrawn & paid directly from the deceased's bank account. Maybe a call to her bank to ask their deceased/funeral policy? (I'd keep it anonymus!).

If she doesn't have the funds readily available, it would be reasonable to start that conversation on contributing or putting that aside. I get that different cultures have certain expectations & that sometimes older people expect the younger do it all for them... but surely your MIL would like to make things easy for you & your DH? "We will be so sad at that time . It would be a great comfort to us if we were prepared".

A lot of these answers are so well put and to the point. You could ask where she would like her ashes placed close by.