Mother in law not adjusting to nursing home. I'm debating whether or not to take her home to live with us.

That must be really hard, for all of you. I wish I had an answer. I just wanted to say that I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Hugs!

Thank you!!! xo

Has she been checked for a UTI lately? When my MIL starts acting crazy, and it's a fairly sudden/drastic change - a Urinary Tract Infection is usually the cause. Certainly worth checking out.

And I would not move her in with you - if her behavior is disruptive and combative in the nursing home, it will not improve in your home. You will be upending your family's lives and it will only get worse as the Alzheimer's progresses.

Parky, I’m no expert, but will say after watching a myriad of residents during my mother’s four years in a NH, if your MIL is combative and totally unreasonable in a setting with 24 hour trained caregivers who have an arsenal of tricks to try and experience to draw upon, how will you and your husband cope with her at home after putting her through another change? I saw residents whose mental state became like your MIL, and how it broke their families. It was beyond exhausting to see, yet in the NH setting the staff changed out every 8-12 hours and had the training to deal with it calmly and with skill. There’s no perfect world here, I’m sorry you’re going through this

I don’t think I would bring her home with you. I think you would regret it. She needs a lot of care. She will do better with a staff. Don’t make an emotional decision. Please consider her medical needs. I feel a facility can provide the best care medically. Obviously you care or you wouldn’t be inquiring.

Is it possible to visit more often? At least for now. She’s grieving. Has to be hard for her. Losing her husband, new place to get used to. How long were they married?

What does the geriatric psychiatrist say? Does s/he know that the current medication regimen isnt working?

I doubt that you will do any better at home than they do in the Memory Care where she is.
You do not indicate any other problems other than the diabetes and the Alzheimer's Have you talked to Hospice? good chance she would be hospice eligible. She would get a bit more attention with hospice.
And Alzheimer's or not she lost her spouse I would guess at some level she may be aware that he is not with her. She may not realize he has died but she feels he is not with her. I can understand anger and frustration that she may not know how to articulate.
At some point ..I don't know how to say this without sounding heartless...why bother with most medications. Are the medications she is taking really going to help her? Are they going to prolong her life another 1 or 2 years or more? And what of the quality of the life she has? (wondering if anti anxiety medication would be more appropriate than anti psychotic meds)
Reassure her that she is safe. that you care for her. that you love her.
(but don't take her home)

I second the UTI check. If you aren’t familiar a UTI can cause the type behavior you described.

Thanks for your reply. Married 70 years! My gosh!

You’re visiting 4 times a day! Geeeez, that’s a lot. You’re camping out there. You’re in a tough spot. You must be exhausted.

Keep working with her doctor is all I can think of. Best wishes for you and your family. 💗

Moving her closer may be the problem. Unfamiliar ground. She knows no one. Hopefully over time she will adjust. I agree, visiting once a day is enough. She needs to get used to the new staff.

I would ask if a culture was done on her urine so the correct antibiotic can be given. While on an antibiotic, see if a probiotic is being given. Antibiotics cause yeast infections, probiotics help with this. Ask if a cranberry tablet can be introduced. This may help to cut down on reoccurring UTIs. Lots of water.

I would not take Mom to live with u. You will have no life and it will put stress on ur marriage. She needs to be where she is.

[mutters: this should be a short debate...]

What do you hope might happen if she came to live with you? How do you feel this could benefit your MIL?

I don't think you will have a satisfactory answer to either of those questions. I imagine you are feeling only that you must "do something!"

At the risk of saying the equivalent of "I wouldn't start from here" I suspect the mistake was to move her from the ltc that she had eventually adjusted to. I understand that it seemed like a good idea to have her closer to where you live, but - well, as you see. Too late to retrace the steps, I suppose? How long since she moved to the new facility?

Does anything calm or reassure her at the moment? Music, a blanket, tropical fish, your husband, anything?

Since she does have a UTI, did they culture the urine to determine exactly WHICH antibiotic she needs? If not, that's what needs to be done. Trying this that and the other antibiotic isn't the right way to go!

DO NOT move your MIL in with you, that is a huge mistake! If they cannot handle her in LTC, what makes you think you can handle her at home, with no staff at all??

If she continues to be unmanageable after the UTI clears up, and medications aren't doing the trick, speak to the staff to see if they think she'd be better off in a facility with a memory care wing where they have specially trained staff to deal with these issues.

It is absolutely mind boggling to me how these dementia diseases are wreaking such havoc with so many poor souls and their families lately. Sending you a big hug and lots of prayers that the UTI is at the root of the trouble here, and that your MIL will get back to feeling a lot better SOON!

Stop visiting her so much, you are not giving her time to settle in. Being a helicopter caregiver is not the answer.

As for moving her in with you, why in the world would you consider doing this? If she cannot be managed in a facility with a trained staff, how exactly do you think you can handle her?

Sit back and think this through, not with your heart but with your head.

Visiting 4 times a day excessive. She’s not going to adjust with you there all the time. Let the staff be there for her. Every other day would be more appropriate. Don’t move her home.

Don’t take her home. Let trained professionals do the job. She’s old. Ancient. Why do you think you could do better? You could not

Yes. They do want you to do their for them and they would very much like you to take her home. Tell them to stop calling you and stop going. This way she will have to go to a neuro psych ward for evaluation and that’s what is needed. Staff tried this on with my husband. I said surely you must have responses in place for this type of situation? They said yes so I said do your job. He ended up going to a major hospital for complete evaluation and is now in a first class dementia specific care village

Parky26 -what I've gathered from your replies is that in the NH MIL is now, there is no memory care unit? If that's not the case, it might be just a matter of a move to another floor. But if they don't, unfortunately, she might have to be moved to a facility that has an MC unit. Whatever you do, don't move her in with you.

YOu’ve answered your own question. She is showing you what you can expect at your home, and you will regret bringing her. Don’t do it. Please update us.... Best wishes..

When you're getting multiple calls a day from the facility, it's likely they are not equipped to manage her care properly. That's how it was with my LO right before I had to move her to secure MC. It made a huge improvement. It was as if she immediately relaxed. I think she sensed that she needed more hands on, special care that she was not getting in a regular AL. She also seemed more comfortable with the other residents. She could not relate to those in the regular AL and I think it made her feel uncomfortable.

But, with all the violence and resistance you describe, she may need to be evaluated in a psychiatric setting to get her medication adjusted. Only trained professionals will be able to get her properly treated. I hope you can find some help.