How do I handle my mother-in-law making up stories about me?

Confabulation {This is a frequent re-post by me because the subject is very important} It seems that Alzheimer's world is fraught with confabulation speak. The general public doesn't understand Alzheimer's they certainly need to be educated regarding Confabulation.

In psychology, confabulation (verb: confabulate) is a memory disturbance, defined as the production of fabricated, distorted or misinterpreted memories about oneself or the world, without the conscious intention to deceive.

Key factors in confabulations are there is no intent to deceive, second the person being unaware that the information is blatantly false.
Be aware confabulating is distinct from lying.

Confabulations are a major annoyance and can be dangerous— when we the take everything in a discussion at face value. Confabulating is very frequently observed in people with Alzheimer’s.

Confabulating is distinct from lying because there is no intent to deceive, and the person being unaware that the information is blatantly false. Carers challenge: is what they say true?

It is difficult for everyone to accept a mind is damaged by Alzheimer's Disease.

Not only is memory damaged their ability to process thoughts and conversations is impaired.

Understand the similarities between confabulation and delusions; e.g., both involve the production of unintentional false statements, both are resistant to contradictory evidence.

Recognize the difference between confabulations and delusions that are frequently observed in Alzheimer’s patients include beliefs about theft, the patient’s house not being his home, a spouse, is an impostor, belief an intruder is in the house, abandonment, spousal infidelity, and paranoia.

An aide/caregiver must understand the individual has Alzheimer's Disease, be aware of the danger, and treat the person with patience. Also, Confabulation is common.
Conversing with someone who has Alzheimer's is often like talking with your cat. Acknowledge, respond, be affectionate, develop boundless patience. Forget about rational responses.

HowardD, you are most likely right. There's no telling what stories will be invented or changed in the brains of someone with dementia. The best you can do is let your BIL know it's not true. I hope this doesn't break down the relationships you have with your in-laws. Dementia can tear families apart. Communicating with each other about what is going home can help prevent it from happening. Try not to get mad at your MIL. It's hard not to get mad, I know. Some of the inventions and revisions that go on in their minds can hurt.

My MIL HAS no dementia, but has been "carrying tales" about me for over 40 years. She didn't want my husband to marry me, and I knew it. I really thought I could eventually win her over with love and patience....never happened.

40 years later, my husband tells me it's up to ME to mend the relationship--mind you he has NEVER ONCE stood up for me or called her on her lies. He has a very limited relationship with his mom. ALL gifts, remembrances of holidays, birthdays and mother's day have been my doing and he delivers them, or she makes a fuss about what "my son" gave her. No thanks to me. She hasn't noticed my birthday, Christmas checks are given to my husband, made out to him...the list goes on.
8 years ago, when my hubby was undergoing a brutal chemotherapy regimen and I was working 40+ hrs per week AND taking care of hubby, our home and a foster child, MIL called me up and said she couldn't handle the stress of having me in her life so she "opted out" of a relationship. I was honestly relieved. She hasn't really spoken to me since.

She has been a thorn in my side for over 40 years. She's never going to die and she sure won't let the dislike for me ever die. Hubby has never believed me with the amazingly awful things she has said to me b/c in his words "I didn't HEAR her say them to you, so I can't accept that she would".

Had I known how difficult this was going to be, I would not have married my husband. That's how mean and backbiting she's been. In retrospect, I never did a single thing to irk her...sometimes, people are just mean. Period. I would love to blame this on dementia, or something, but she gets it in her mind that certain people are bad and that's it. You can never redeem yourself. The only "saving grace". if there is one, is that she doesn't like ANY of the inlaws---hates me the most, but at least I am not alone.

All you can do is live your life, keep your chin up. The truth eventually rises to the surface.

In dementia, you never what story the patient will come up. My aunt seemed to really have it in for my sister's husband, which she didn't before the dementia happened. When she was told she broke her eye socket in a fall at home, she refused to believe that she fell but "IF I did fall, it was only because (the brother-in-law) pushed me!" Also you won't believe this but she said my brother-in-law was leading the gay pride parade this year in my cousin's hometown. I mean, the stories were incredibly inventive! Hopefully your other family members will understand that they need to take her stories with a grain of salt. Good luck.

Make sure your in-laws know it isn't true but they probably shouldn't try to argue (it seems like the more you talk about a subject that has been invented the more it becomes TRUTH), and try to have positive interactions with her. Bring her cookies, keep your visits very short (I was in the neighborhood with these cookies) and try not to get irritated with the repetitions. Maybe she will forget about the "divorce" next.

I have this same problem with my sister; saying things about me that are not true. I just went to the people that matter to me and set the record straight. Anyone else, I just let them think what they want. It's been my experience that people want to believe the bad before they will the good. Just don't let this situation take away your self-confidence like it did mine. Malicious words are not worth it.

Oh JessieBelle, my aunt was something else! She passed away in January at age 92. She became quite vicious to me after I took responsibility for putting her in the nursing home. Even though I am married for over a decade, she told my sister she couldn't believe I just got married "after all this time!" Then she said to me "well enjoy your marriage while it lasts"!!!

I can see how these things happen, Howard, because I see them a good bit. MIL has a thought that after her daughter is gone, then you won't be around so much. She will miss you. Then she imagines that you told her that you weren't. Then she tells someone and they say that it sounds like you're divorcing that side of the family. She remembers this and tells people you said this. The only grain of truth to the story was the loss of your wife (her daughter). The rest was invented in her mind and became "real" conversations. She probably doesn't even know that she invented the story herself by now. In my mother's case when she fabricates a story it becomes the new truth, replacing all truths that existed before it.

Chances are she'll forget her new truth over time or it will be replaced. That is the way it always happens with my mother. The only concern is to make sure that the fabricated stories don't cause any harm. That can be prevented by good communication -- something it sounds like you have with your in-laws.

BTW, when someone has dementia, time gets distorted. You might come over one day and the next day MIL will think you haven't been there for weeks. Maybe that is going on and made her think you were distancing yourself, leading to the thinking she had about you divorcing, etc. We never know what goes on in the mind when truth and sense of time is distorted.

continuation of post....When my mother's driver's license was taken away (for driving through someone's yard and erratic behavior), mom told everyone who would listen that I was in "co-hoots" with the police to get her license taken away. I believe that she is angry about her condition and needs to blame someone for the problems she is having.....it might as well be me because, no matter what, I will always love her! When she has times that I am in her good graces, she is extremely complimentary of me....I've learned to really appreciate the good days and let not take the bad days so personally!

My 81 year old mom with Alzheimer's does the same thing...whenever she cannot find something, it is because (name) took it. The only thing you can do is keep in touch with the in-laws; they should know not to believe her because she is likely saying the same type of things about them; always be nice and bring a treat or card when you visit. And if you do find another person whom you love and want to spend the rest of your life with, good for you!