Hi. My wife passed away in March of 2015. I am still close to her side of the family and will talk to her mother every couple of weeks. Today, my brother-in-law (my wife's brother) called me to tell me that my mother-in-law told him that I told her I am divorcing myself from that side of the family, no longer want to see her and am going to bars looking for a new wife. I never said anything of the sort. This is coming right out of the blue. I have always been cordial to her.
I have to admit that I limit my visits because she always talks about depressing subjects and repeats herself constantly. I know her accusing me is the dementia talking but I'm not quite sure how to handle it.
My hubby contracted Hepatitis C from who knows where...and he was not dxed with it until about 25 years ago. We learned all we could about it, I was tested (negative) all the kids were (negative) so we just thanked our lucky stars and went on with life. Bad for him, his liver began to fail 11 years ago and we were given a dx of cancer and 6 months to live. Guess who got blamed for bringing this "filthy disease" into our lives? Me, of course. Hubby talked himself blue in the face trying educate mom about how someone who DOESN'T have it can't GIVE it to someone else. Instead of her being supportive in a horrible and trying time (hubby received a liver transplant in '06 and did 2 rounds of therapy, the 2nd cured him..) life was beyond stressful and scary for us and she did not do one single thing to help. Hubs was in and out of the hospital for 8 weeks, she never visited. Not even a card. What was the end result of this? She called and blamed ME for nearly killing her son. She won't drink the water at our house. She blames me for ruining her son's life, with absolutely no reasons to back that up.
Hubby still wants me to "make nice" with his mom and apologize, just to keep the peace. My thinking on this is: I was 19 when I met my hubby, Mom was 46. Who really should have had the skills to create a warm bond? Like I said, I am a GREAT Mil, probably b/c my own is such a pill. I am NEVER mean to her, never have been, never will be. Really? It's just terribly, terribly sad.
MidKid, OMG. of COURSE Hubby should have stood up for you. Maybe someday he will witness it even though he really does not want to. It is painful to realize bad things about your own parents like that...but it really should not be LESS painful than deciding your wife is a liar. But he probably has never thought that through logically... you know this is the third time just this week I've wanted to use the phrase "head in the sand" - but really, I bet he is not thinking about how wrong it is to call you a liar, he's "thinking" (if you can call it that) "la-la-la-la I didn't hear that" so it didn't happen and he doesn't have to deal with it. Is couples counseling an option? She actually won't live forever, things could start to go down hill with her someday, and you will both need to deal with that, and if you want your sanity and your marriage to survive her it could help!
It's all in the past. She made her bed, now she has to lie in it all alone. She is on good terms with only her daughter, and frankly, that's fine with the rest of us. The person she really ended up hurting was only herself.
I no longer care how she feels about me or what she says to her few friends. 40 years is just too long to carry a grudge (and I never knew WHY she didn't like me in the first place!)
Mom because of the past history they couldn't get along so I ended up with both moms in my home raising my sister kid 3 months now 16 had enough of her lying to her daughter daughter showed her took mama to Ohio for a month visit went to doc first visit oh I had her so messed up her doctor where we live had been with her for 8 years mil is now 86
Started hanging her mess and screwed her up finely after all these years my hubby got mad and told his sister my
Wife had worked alone and an outstanding putting up with moms crap who the h..l do you think u are snd since u did that and without consulting us ucan just keep
Mom from now one he is ur responsibility sister in law single no children at home and has a part time boyfriend and she lived alone
All because I contradicted her (actually she just balled
Faced lied ) I gently corrrected her and then it happened good swift kick to cshin bruised up immediately then same again this tie fist to the arm another bruise they took pic
And wanted to put her in s senior care unit to evaluate
Her for 2 weeks Later on u fortunately I wish I would
Have for the both of our sake I have copies of the hand written doctors eval witnessed by nurse also a computer
Print out. But appreciate it uncle
Yes, there are some people you'll never win over, I've known of view of them in my life as well. What you described, I personally see as a big red flag, so I'm with you on this one and neither would I have ever married into the family either. Sometimes we must live and learn. I know, because I had to deal with multiple situations with mean and hateful people, so I know what you mean by never being able to win people over. We tend to stick around trying to fix the unfixable when really it's nothing we can fix. I can't tell you how many years of my life I have wasted at different times trying to be my best and do my best to no avail. I personally would've distanced myself from this toxic person and never had anything to do with them if I would've paid my way into the family, I would've come up with every excuse under the sun to avoid that person. If you only knew, I happened to be an abuse survivor who long since learned my lesson so I had other unfamiliar situations in which I had to learn other lessons with similar people, the situations were just different. Sometimes we find ourselves in situations where we think we can change someone because love really does conquer all and breaks the chains. However, sometimes love is just not enough, sometimes God must intervene and fix what we can't, but only if the person wants help. We must sometimes come to a point in our lives when we realize when someone just doesn't want to help. In fact, I saw a post on social media that states "holding on does more harm than letting go". I found this to be true, and from your description, so did you. I'm just sorry it took us so long to realize we would never be able to fix others who don't want fixed and what's partner is coming to a point of cutting ties with him and moving on. Letting go is the first step, and taking that first step is actually the hardest. Isn't that funny that we can never let go when we need to? Sometimes it takes a major crisis in our own lives that puts us in such a helpless position of forcing loose our grip on whatever it is we're clinging to the tightest. Other times we must come to a point in our lives of God revealing things to us. In my particular case, I felt like giving up and moving on but a part of me was still holding on. Then one day I awoke and God gave me a vision and showed me 20 years down the road from where I was at that time. In the version he showed me nothing would ever change with these particular people and that things weren't always stay the same with them. Right then was my turning point. Right then I made a 380 turn and I haven't looked back or missed these people ever since. The only thing reason I kept hanging on is because I was awaiting a positive change in the hearts of these people, a change only God knew would never come and he loves me too much to let me waste the rest of my life waiting for that change only he knew would never come. This is why I had that vision, God knew if I didn't know the real truth and the future of my situation that I want to waste the rest of my life trying to win them over. Sometimes we must come to a point of knowing what will be and what will not be. If you ever get a gut feeling about anyone later on, definitely listen to that feeling and don't ignore it because it's not in your head. I've made that mistake and I've been there so I know what I'm talking about. I don't know if you ever faced that feeling of knowing things with that person would never change, but if you have, now is the time to reflect on it and start listening like I had to when I went through my own share of struggles and learned my own lessons. I really don't know to this day if I was really supposed to be learning anything from it, but I ended up learning from it anyway whether or not I was supposed to. I hope my past experience with toxic people helps you in your healing. I'll give you a tip to follow, and I hope you remember this:
If you ever feel a "heaviness" in the air when someone enters your area, listen to that feeling, it's really a warning. If you ever have a situation where something just doesn't feel right feels very wrong, it probably is and you should run from it as fast and far as you can. There maybe some situations where you're running shouldn't be obvious, you may have to be very subtle for your safety. I have occasionally found myself in a few of those situations, and it's actually better to be subtle than to be obvious. In fact being subtle is my first choice, my absolute go to choice for avoiding unfavorable situations when I get a gut feeling. I think those gut feelings are actually gone warning us when somethings not right, but if you're not really familiar with being able to make a connection as that gut feeling as God's warning, you may find yourself thinking it's all in your head and you may plow straight ahead, and sometimes right into danger that God was trying to protect you from. Always listen to those gut feelings because I w
40 years later, my husband tells me it's up to ME to mend the relationship--mind you he has NEVER ONCE stood up for me or called her on her lies. He has a very limited relationship with his mom. ALL gifts, remembrances of holidays, birthdays and mother's day have been my doing and he delivers them, or she makes a fuss about what "my son" gave her. No thanks to me. She hasn't noticed my birthday, Christmas checks are given to my husband, made out to him...the list goes on.
8 years ago, when my hubby was undergoing a brutal chemotherapy regimen and I was working 40+ hrs per week AND taking care of hubby, our home and a foster child, MIL called me up and said she couldn't handle the stress of having me in her life so she "opted out" of a relationship. I was honestly relieved. She hasn't really spoken to me since.
She has been a thorn in my side for over 40 years. She's never going to die and she sure won't let the dislike for me ever die. Hubby has never believed me with the amazingly awful things she has said to me b/c in his words "I didn't HEAR her say them to you, so I can't accept that she would".
Had I known how difficult this was going to be, I would not have married my husband. That's how mean and backbiting she's been. In retrospect, I never did a single thing to irk her...sometimes, people are just mean. Period. I would love to blame this on dementia, or something, but she gets it in her mind that certain people are bad and that's it. You can never redeem yourself. The only "saving grace". if there is one, is that she doesn't like ANY of the inlaws---hates me the most, but at least I am not alone.
All you can do is live your life, keep your chin up. The truth eventually rises to the surface.
Attorney at law Kevin P. Keane:
"records not reduced to writing, are NOT worth the paper they ain't written on".
Mil even though it was all documented her lies on me thru home health and docs the family still chooses to believe her thank God I made sure all was on proper record
My father is in a Veterans Home and I live with my mother. Daddy sometimes thinks about things that aren't true, like people stealing. However, Mother invents or reinvents anything and everything on a regular basis. It is part of the process of aging. We have learned to take what she says and let it slide on by. As long as the family understands that what your MIL is saying has very little basis in reality in will be much easier for each of you.
I am speaking of the one with dementia and anyone who would accept what anyone else says as truth without looking for the truth and drawing conclusions using their own mind.
Chances are she'll forget her new truth over time or it will be replaced. That is the way it always happens with my mother. The only concern is to make sure that the fabricated stories don't cause any harm. That can be prevented by good communication -- something it sounds like you have with your in-laws.
BTW, when someone has dementia, time gets distorted. You might come over one day and the next day MIL will think you haven't been there for weeks. Maybe that is going on and made her think you were distancing yourself, leading to the thinking she had about you divorcing, etc. We never know what goes on in the mind when truth and sense of time is distorted.
Thank God every day that this is not your real mother, that she still has a living child, and that you are not responsible for her.
There are very few stories here with a silver lining: yours is one of them. You can walk away. Stay in touch with the brother or anyone else if you care to. Focus on yourself and the rest of your life.