Mother-in-law is telling caregiver who showers her that I am hitting her and caregiver is acting strange now. Any advice?

You need some type of protection from your MILs accusations.

Has she had cognitive testing?

If she has dementia, then telling MIL to not say such things won’t work.

But I do think having her tested in order to have that documented could be helpful should it become necessary to mount a defense.

Also a physical exam on a routine basis to show that MIL has no bruises etc. might be appropriate.

Your husband might ask the bather if she saw any sign of abuse. This might help the bather feel better about not reporting.

Healthcare workers are mandated reporters.

If your MIL is a malicious liar and not mentally Impaired, then she obviously needs to live elsewhere. I agree that 8 years is way too long to live with someone like this.

Be sure that she is tested for a UTI as many elders act out when they have an infection. Plus UTIs can be toxic. They don’t present in the elderly the same as in a younger person.
She may have no indication that she is infected except for the dementia type acting out.

I was trying to be funny in my last post but I would call her bluff. Have husband tell her if she continues to tell lies about you, she will no longer be able to live with you. That you come first and he will not tolerate it.

If she continues to tell lies he has to stick by his guns.

You know how I look at this. Let the MIL lie. Let the aide call APS to investigate. Then tell MIL and APS because of her lie, she can no longer live with you and must go to an AL, if she can afford it or on Medicaid to LTC. Would love to see "that" face. 🤣 Let APS get her placed and they get guardianship. That will show her to lie.😊

Yes, I would talk to the caregiver about this with your MIL included. Say all of this in front of MIL....be good to have hubby there too.

this is pretty serious stuff. If MIL gets you into trouble..it can get very tough for you fast with APS.

I would even even bring up the fact that if it continues she will have to move to a NH because endangering you is over the line.

If it were me in this situation, I would have a very frank talk with my husband and tell him Mom has got to go. 8 years is a long time to tolerate living with and taking care of a woman who now neither likes nor appreciates you. If this caregiver reports you to APS, they are required to come out and investigate. Once you’re on their radar, it’s very difficult to get off. Mom has dementia? Things will only get worse.

While a paid caregiver is a mandated reporter and she must make a report if she notices bruises or other marks on your mother, it’s not her job to judge you or treat you disrespectfully. I would absolutely ask her what the problem is, especially since your husband made a point of telling her that his mother is lying.

If acting cold to you ask... Is there a problem? If yes or no... remind the caregiver that your husband told them that MIL is lying about hitting her. Be upfront about it to your MIL and caregiver. I know easier said than done but be brave you can do it! Thumbs up!
Blessings
hgnhgn