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They have both gained weight this last month her 12 lbs., and him 6 lbs. I really think it is unfair for him to expect this of her. They live with brother in law and his wife who do not do anything for them. I use to go over and cook for them, but sister in law told me to not to use her stuff and starts trouble with me. I avoid this, cause I don't have to put up with it. I worry about my inlaws and have them come over once a week for dinner. I still take them shopping, Dr. appts., ect., but worry about their eating habits. They won't throw away and actually eat spoiled food. FIL who doesn't have ALZ hates to throw anything away and will insist it being still good. My husband and I want them to move in with us as it would be so much easier to take care of them then having to go over there. SIL doesn't clean their bathroom and it's not a good environment for them. There is no socializing, no meals together, nothing. I worry about how long this can go on before someone gets admitted to the hospital with food poisoning. They are true southerners so diet is mostly carbs and fat. They can't eat green leafy veges due to blood thinners. They are both set in their ways and will be impossible to try and teach them anything new. They both think they are doing fine. MIL has been doing scary things like pouring hot grease back into plastic bottle, etc. FIL has mobility issues, brother and sister nlaw wont help take care of them, they just stay in their room. I have them come over to our house as it gets them out of their house, and they really appreciate it, but can't them get to move on anything. They are both in their mid 80's, refuse to take of business and I worry about the mess they are going to leave for us to clean up when their gone. Course this may be years and I've asked them several years ago to get things in place. I'm beginning to change my mind about them living with us, but I still worry about their well being. I know we can't do anything till something bad happens, but I don't want to wait for that. UGhhh... Any advice would be greatly appreciated...

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I'm not clear on who owns the house, is this your FIL/MIL's home? If it is, why are BIL/SIL living there? If it is the other way around, then I would be PO'ed too if you came into my home and started cooking without asking! I wouldn't be too concerned with trying to improve their diet at their age (after all they've survived this long on a southern diet) but I would try to help clean out the frig to get rid of anything spoiled. I hope you have your POA's in order though because ALZ is progressive and their diet is the least of your problems.
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It sounds to me as if everyone but you is in serious denial. It is hard to admit that our parents aren't as capable anymore, it is scary to admit it about a spouse or ourselves. Your FIL expects his wife to prepare meals because she always has, and often men of his generation can't boil water! She won't see the scary things she does as problems, that's the nature of the disease. They both probably expected that their living arrangement would provide them with ready made caregivers in their old age. Your BIL and his wife seem reluctant to step into that role.... THAT situation is a minefield for you and I would advise you to tread very carefully. It is up to your husband and his brother to sort this out with their parents. As a good DIL you can keep doing what you already have been, and as others have suggested help stock the frig and cupboards with simple snacks and ready made meals. For you own peace of mind you could do a little research on poa's, caregiving resources , assisted living and memory care options available in your area, that way you will have the info to hand when the inevitable hits the fan.
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Thedaughternlaw, if you take in your in-laws, I bet after awhile you will realize why your brother-in-law and his wife have given up trying to help your husband's parents. The key words you wrote "They are both set in their ways and will be impossible to try and teach them anything new". Who knows, maybe the bathroom gets clean early in the morning and they mess it up within minutes afterwards, it doesn't take much.
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"we can't do anything till something bad happens, but I don't want to wait for that."

Alas, that is a pretty accurate description of the situation. A while back someone on here who worked for a helping agency said they had a lot of files stamped WFC -- Waiting for Crisis.

But maybe there are a few things you could do to mitigate some of the risks. What about having meals on wheels or a similar program deliver a hot meal each day? You'd know that was fresh and wholesome and when you visited you could quietly clean out any old leftovers. With one hot meal provides, would they be satisfied with toast and cereal for breakfast and opening a can of soup in the evening? Or anything easy to fix and consumable in one meal?

The notion that they can't eat leafy greens because of blood thinners is pretty silly. If they had a salad every day the dosage would just be adjusted to account for it. But it is more a matter of being set in their ways. And that is OK.

Staying in their room all day doesn't sound any better for their health than eating spoiled food. I am glad you are visiting them and getting them out some. Another option is to find an adult day health program. Usually these programs have door to door transportation, provide a hot lunch (and often breakfast), and have optional services such as help with a shower or cutting toenails! Even if they claim not to like it, being exposed to other adults and activity can be very good for them.

Personally, I don't think moving them into your house is the answer. I'm sure you would provide a much better environment than the one they are in, but even better would be one where there are three shifts to handle any emergencies and routine needs, their meals are all provided, and their are plenty of activities and opportunities to interact with lots of other adults.

Bless you for looking out for this couple! Don't let it overwhelm you, but try tackling one improvement at a time.
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IloveMom, I love your grocery list, and it makes me laugh. Yup, I sure can see a Southern couple in their mid-eighties chowing down on sweet peas and hummus and broccoli florets -- not! The Boomers will in their 80s, but the current batch of set-in-their-ways elders is not so enthusiastic about raw munchies. Worth a try? Maybe. Sounds like a good way to stock the fridge for a caregiver!
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Hi Thedaughternlaw. I'm in Ireland so not sure of the southern ways you are dealing with. But I had similar experience with my dad still expecting my mam to cook his meals eve while she had dementia which he struggled with through deinal which in many ways spoke to me of his concern that his wife was 'leaving' him and this insisting that she cook his meals give him a sense of distorted comfort. Also with mam she too, having cared for him all her married life felt that it was her role and again I could see it gave her a sense of purpose in the unspoken but unconicous reality that things were going 'off' for her. In my moving home I tried where safely to include her in helping with some of the light things in preparing a meal... other times I would tell her she could have a day off and I would look after things, which made it easier to let go... In dealing with my Dad i continued to try an explain to him that I was 'concerned' for mam and also that in her cooking meals she may (and did) at times undercook a dinner. This certainly helped Dad while struggling with the fact that he was 'losing' mam this apporach gave him a soft way out to let others help while not having to say that he was scared of what was happening to his gal!! My heart goes out to you in your desire to see change and the difficulties that you seem to be having with your BIL and SIL and while it sounds like they have hit a burnout too it may sound like you may need to find a time and space to raise your concerns with them for your MIL and FIL in a manner that expresses appreciation for 'all' they have done (even if that is not the case) in order to try and move things forward rather than hit a crisis.... Is there other support from other family members that could help you 'negoitate' this discussion? It sounds also like you need their support in order to address the issues with your FIL and MIL...Just a fe thoughts and best wishes as you move forward!! And remember you are not alone!!
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Thedaughternlaw - it changes dramatically depending on what stage of Alzheimer's they are in. My 84 year old mother has lived us for the past year and half, can barely understand how to get water out of faucet, without great difficulty. 4 years ago she could still make a sandwich and heat up something in the microwave. Over the past 4+ years, I saw the ability diminish. One day she couldn't remember how to make coffee anymore. The meals on wheels were great as long as they in a stage that they can remember to eat them, and it doesn't just pile up in the fridge and go bad. I had to clean out her fridge every week. Then I had to hire a woman to cook for her. But back then she knew what a refrigerator was. Now I make every meal, put a bib on her, and I am grateful she still remembers what a spoon or a cup is. I am sure I will look back at this now even as the "good old days." This is what happens - you keep having to change your expectations based on their ever diminishing capabilities. You can't expect them to want to "change," since "change" is what seems to be destroying their lives.

On your POA question, the POA for someone with Alzheimer's is ESSENTIAL -- so let me get on brief soapbox on that. All the other stuff you can just help them along, but you really need to get the POA before things go too far - whoever it is. But you have to have a POA for them. You write it down, print it out, find a notary, and talk to them in the car, and get them to sign it. Tell them you don't want the POA, you don't plan to use the POA, but you need that, and you will keep it for an emergency. Just like you need health insurance, car insurance, life insurance. You don't wait until you are sick or your car breaks down. Do they go to the doctor and pull out their checkbook and pay the full amount? Of course not. They have insurance which pays the vast majority of any expense. Why? No one could afford it otherwise. One sickness, and you would be broke. That is what the POA is, both durable and medical, for a dementia patient. One day they are sort of OK, then they have hallucinations, or can't remember what year it is, how to cook, or even how to dress. As it progresses, they need a POA to represent them as insurance from how to cope with Alzheimer's. It is really essential. Sorry - off soapbox on POAs.
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Marty - I can answer the southern foods thing for you. Had an old-school southern MIL living with me for years. Everything is breaded, fried, cooked with salt pork or bacon, boiled to death, heavily salted, etc. It's not a healthy way to eat for elderly folks. "New" Southern cooking is healthier, but if you're dealing with an old school southerner, it's going to be pinto beans with salt pork, gravy made out of unimaginable things (hot dog gravy! canned tomato gravy!) and poured over everything, corn bread soaked in a glass of milk and eaten with a spoon, and the like.
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Hi SusanA43... Thanks for the amazing insight.... I am not sure I would live a week after a diet like that... good to hear things are changing....slowly by the sounds of things.... M
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One thing about ALZ is that the oldest memories last the longest. In this case, she is probably reverting to the first things she leaned to cook when she was young. Also, what is their dental health? Leafy greens can be a problem with dentures, also anything that would make crumbs. Maybe for oil, find her a metal storage can and then dispose of the contents asap. As long as she is still capable of operating a stove with a reasonable degree of safety, let her cook--
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