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She never worked and was in total control of the finances, although she blames her husband as he wanted to farm and it was not a success, therefore they don't have a proper pension. They stay for free in my husband's house and all other is taken care of, like food, electricity, car etc. They have 2700 pm month from a investment and both get a old age pension which is another 3600 a month. My husband also add another 4000 per month. All they paid was their medical aid and now she told my husband she can't afford that anymore and another 3000 per month is added. My husband paid for his own university fees and also had to pay for his brothers. She claims she let them study therefore he must look after them. There are 2 other children that don't contribute due to them not earing that much. Myself and my husband don't share money and he will not assist me with any financial assistance. Is it wrong if I want to tell my Mother in law that this financial dependence of them is impacting on my marriage? Also that I feel it is a parent's duty to look after their children as they decided to bring them into this world and that it is emotional blackmail to tell my husband it is his privilege to care for them financially. Especially as both my parent in laws inherited property and they can't show anything for it. Just sold it and used the money. My mother in law doesn't even try to spend less on certain items and still want to buy the best and most expensive stuff. My husband also pay her a bonus every year. A discussion with my husband regarding this is not even a option. He gets very upset if I touch the subject. He is under a lot of pressure and I feel it is not right of his parents to expect him to support their every need and put him under such pressure. Before my husband had to look after them financially he treated me (financially) a lot different as well. I am financially independent, but my husband do earn about 7 times more than me and he did spend some money on me before they came into the picture. It breaks my heart that my in laws have no shame and my husband just have to pay blindly. He also tried various options for them to generate an income, but every venture, the parent in laws messed up. Either too much work etc. My mother in law, from when she was 48, bath before 12 midday and climb into bed as that is wat old people do. I am extremely frustrated. Please assist me in trying to understand if I am just wrong or if is this situation with his parent healthy.

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You shouldn’t be confronting your mother-in-law. You have a marital problem, first and foremost. The problem here is your husband. Your husband who is enabling his parents and throwing money at them. If this is affecting your marriage, you need to talk to the person you are married too—which is your husband!
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Yes, were are you living? A pension of $3600 a month is pretty high here in the US. Tack on another 2700 and a free house I would wonder where "their" money is going.
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I agree with LNReason that you need to be in counseling, but if your husband will not attend with you I see little hope of it helping the MARRIAGE. It might help you to move on. Your finances are already kept separate from your husbands, which is a good thing, because at least he isn't using YOUR money. I see this as not a parents ruining my life or inlaws ruining my life. I see this as a marriage in trouble, and likely it would be no matter there were any living inlaws or not.
You say parents have 2700 plus 3600 per month in income and are living free in one of their son's homes. That's 6,300 per mo in "spending money " they have. But whatever they have isn't really the question. It is the relationship that they have with their son, who has apparently very little relationship with you.
Get the counseling. Then decide if you can stay in this marriage or not. The ability to make your own decision and know it is your decision will give you great peace.
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I have heard this saying "Learn to live within the situation - or get out." In your case, I agree that counseling might help you deal with the situation. However, your husband isn't going to change unless he wants to. It isn't healthy for you to keep yourself upset over this. In my marriage - there are times when I stand back as my husband is responsible for his actions - I'm not. But we put our money together and we pay bills and make decisions together. I know I've been blessed and I hope you will soon find a resolution you all can live with.
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What a toxic stew! You have in-laws draining your husband, he’s fine with it, he won’t share money with his wife, and no one is allowed to discuss it?! One thing for sure, you can’t discuss it with your in-laws, they’ll be well defended by your husband. You need marriage counseling and I hope you’ll get it soon
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I'm adding up what your husband gives them, what they get from investments and pensions etc - $13,300 a month!!!!! What on earth do two people spend that much per month on??

I read that you and your husband keep your finances separate - he is telling you by his actions and not wanting to discuss that he feels he can make the decisions with "his" money. My sister married about 12 years ago and she and her husband have separate finances. He gives his deadbeat brothers and sisters about 25% of his take home pay each month. No money for their daughter's 529 college account. My sister has fought about it for years (she makes 1/2 of what he does) but he won't talk about it - as long as he covers his share of the house expenses - he feels that he can do what he wants with "his" money.

You are not likely to get very far in this arrangement - everyone seems content but you - and you don't hold a very powerful position. You might have to come to terms with this as how it will be.
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No, it is not healthy. I'm wondering if some of the family dynamics is due to being from a certain culture? There are strong pressures that can come from it. Yet, this doesn't excuse it in your instance. I think you need to ask yourself what you expect out of your marriage. It seems more like a business relationship, or a transaction, centered around money. Even if there is no love, do you want him to at least "have your back" and you have his as you age? I'm a fan of marriage counseling for many reasons. It is worth the time, effort and money. If your transmission went out on your vehicle, you'd spend a lot to fix it and endure the inconvenience. All the more with fixing (or diagnosing) your marriage. Find a trustworthy, recommended one and let your husband know that without the hope of him committing to working on things, it will likely mean the end of your marriage (at least it would for me). This seems very drastic but if his priorities are not in alignment with yours then you are just enabling him and allowing yourself to be used. Money seems to be his priority, as he doesn't trust mingling his with yours or even sharing. Solid relationships are based on trust as a starter. Also do not interfere between him and his mommy. She will only hate you all the more. I wish you much clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you move forward with your life.
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Your H gives them $7000 PER MONTH?

What culture is your H from?

You are not wrong, but I think you should be looking for far more than confirmation of that.

How long have you been married? Are you around 54/55 years old?

It will be very hard to change things. If you want to change things, you will have to change yourself, and that might mean moving out and living your life independently of your H.

Are you willing to consider that step?
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