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My mother-in-law has been married 7 times ( yes 7!). She’s basically jumped from husband to boyfriend to husband to boyfriend ever since my partner's father died at the age of 10. Though being left a fairly wealthy widow, through divorces and the just upping and leaving she has been left with nothing aside from her pension (didn't stop her from recently buying a brand new car on credit).



5 years ago, she left the latest husband taking off in an RV to visit my partner and his ex-wife. Due to health concerns, she was unable to return to her husband and ended up moving in with them. From what I hear, it was the final nail in the coffin of their relationship and the marriage fell apart. Mother-in-law (76 yrs old) took off with a new boyfriend who she has been living with since my partner and I got together (a whole days travel away).



My partner and I recently bought a house and have been busy renovating the downstairs as a rental suite to help us pay the mortgage and give us a bit of financial freedom when my partner retires in 10 years (we have a 25-year mortgage)


A couple of weeks ago MIL got in touch with my partner complaining that she was bored of her new boyfriend as he was a “stick in the mud”. She wanted to come visit us and see a doctor where we live (apparently there's no doctors where she lives).


My partner was concerned. She had visited him and his ex before and found excuses not to be able to leave (health, finances, etc). He confessed to me that this is why he had not wanted to invite her to visit for holidays and long weekends. He did not want to do that to our relationship.


His fear was, she would visit, make an excuse why she couldn’t leave and end up moving into our rental suite rent free (as she has car payments! Like she told him and his ex). Gone would be our financial relief and our happy life.



I told him to be honest with her as to why he didn't want her to visit. He told her straight up that he would love to have her visit and the door was always open but he would never allow her to move in with us.


MIL responded by telling him to consider her dead and deleted him on fb. She said she would rather sleep in her car than stay at our place.


They have not spoken since.



When I read this post through it sounds ridiculous but still there's a part of me that feels guilty that she is aging and none of her 3 kids want her living with them.


I don't have kids of my own, so maybe I see things differently but my feeling is she has lived an irresponsible carefree existence going against any financial advice her family have given her and is now expecting her kids to give up their retirement plans to take care of her financially. Am I wrong?

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Onthefence, just curious. Was/is your MIL a looker? Really, what does she bring into these relationships that the guys just have to marry her.
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BurntCaregiver Nov 2022
@JoAnn

One thing we know she's not bringing into all these relationships is money if she's trying to get in her son's place to freeload off of him.
Some women (and men) have a type of appeal and they just attract. It's not necessarily their looks. My second husband has that appeal. He attracts and has many friends and people just like the guy. Someone like the OP's MIL uses the appeal to exploit and take advantage of men who enable her freeloading lifestyle.
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Onthefencedil,

I am sorry that your partner has been through the mill with his mom since he was a child. He knows his mother well and is smart enough not to want her to move in and repeat history.

Yo gave your partner the very best advice by telling him to be honest with his mom. I am not worried about you in the least. You absolutely have your head on straight by saying that she will never move into your home and ruin your lives.

Your partner was being kind to her by opening up the door for a visit. She certainly didn’t return his kindness. She rejected his offer because she couldn’t get everything that she wanted from him. In other words, use him. When a sad situation.

She was bored with her boyfriend? That’s funny, huh? What is her story for the umpteen other men in her life? I am sure that all of her stories are crazy. Her life is more bizarre than a soap opera and a ridiculous reality television show.

Just being a bit facetious here, she could create and star in a reality television show about dating, marrying, divorcing, dating again and again, etc. as a senior! She fits the part of a ‘drama’ queen quite nicely.

I lam glad that you don’t live super close to her. I know that you must be relieved that she lives several hours away from your home.

Wishing you peace in the midst of your dilemma with your partner’s mom.
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Not my biz or area of knowledge.. but your property is your both you & partners names right?

I ask because the entitled can have some wacky ideas! Things I've heard include 'But that's my son's house, so of course I can stay whenever I want'. Zero consideration for anyone - son, partner, kids.

Expecting to be homed. Expecting it to be free. Expecting their bills to be paid.

I agree with Burnt, do not let this 'Trogen Horse' in your home at all. Even a day visit could bring unknown dangers.. from nosy questions about money to a staged fall requiring rehab under your roof.

If phone contact, stay short, polite but firm. Good to hear you are well. Sorry about your husband. 2 mins chat. Thanks for letting us know.

IF there is to be any physical visit. make the location a neutral place like a cafe/bistro. With a start time & an event you must leave for to get away.
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BurntCaregiver Nov 2022
@Beatty

My mother does the same thing with the 'consider me dead' nonsense.
That's when I tell her that if I'm to consider her dead then I can finally put up the 'For Sale' sign in the yard and collect my money on this house. I can also throw away her useless crap that she hoards like a dragon guarding a pile of treasure.
This usually upsets her, and to be honest it doesn't bother me.
She knows that I do not play games. So if she wants me to do for her and wants things like being fed and help with her daily needs then don't try to start a game with me.
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I am glad you vented here. I can relate to a degree. I am with your partner. IF I told my Mom she could stay here for a night or IF I were to stay at her place 1 night, it would set a bad precedence. I know her. No way in HELL am I living under the same roof w/her for a night or for a holiday.. Boundaries. Do what you can do.
When you know you cannot handle more than you are (your Partner is telling you this)...that is to be honored & applauded! Surely there are other Plan B's & C's that could work for her. Mabes the Partner & you could research & save to your computer as options. IF she is going to shut down & act like an ill behaved child, release...do not feel guilty!!!
I check myself almost daily re: this, but I know I cannot handle my Mom. Career + grown Kids (who will have sig other & Kids into the future) & sig other.. My Mom is a pill and a half. It's amazing I ever see her as I do...
Hang in there! <3
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Yes, she needs to be told that she is on her own if she doesn't stay with this one. She is approaching 80. Can't rely on her kids to bail her out. They have their own responsibilities. Loved:
"So, Basically, an apology, followed by a “poor me” and a sprinkle of emotional blackmail for good measure." No passive-aggressiveness there. Been there with my Mil. Apology and then in the next breath "but you did say".

There is Social Services. She is homeless they can help her. At least put her up in a motel.
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eat-pray-love Nov 2022
I would never do this to my Kids. My Mom is cut out of the same NPD-Manipulative cloth OP's MIL is.. + Borderline & Early Onset..
Surely the Partner has had his fair share & then some..
I told myself last night.. I just could never do it. Live with her. Plain & simple. She has destroyed enough of my lifetime.
So selfish.
Elderly should think on a plan, and most esp when finances are not an issue. OMGGGG...
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If she leaves her boyfriend, it is on her to figure something out, not her 3 children. Don't even make that offer, but it is good to think ahead and have a plan when the inevitable happens.
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Beatty Nov 2022
Absolutely right. SHE works it out. She has so far in life!

"Consider me dead!" Drama Queen stuff.

What she means is "Poor me" I want you to feel guilty. She may play 'dead' & ignore her son for a while.. until she wants something from him.

I usually dislike painting someone so dark (most of us contain shades of greys) but when someone shows you they are more vampire than human - believe them!
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Onthefencedil, she told her son to consider her dead, but now she's back. Yikes! Don't you wish the dead stays dead?

I bet you she wants something from him. Probably money, or move in with you. What's your partner's reaction?

Since his mom reminded him of the good things she had done for him, I suggest you refresh his memory of all the horrible things she has done and will do if she gets anywhere near him.

If she left the current boyfriend, would she be able to afford rent on her own? It would be real hard for your boyfriend to stand by if his 76 y.o. mom told him she'd be homeless. I recommend he puts her name on as many wait lists for affordable senior rentals as he can find. Those places have very long wait lists. She will need to move into one of those places when she runs out of boyfriends and money. Have you finished remodeling? And rented out the back unit?

One more suggestion, your partner should tell his mom NOT to leave boyfriend #8, because you/he won't take her in, and that at 76 y.o., she will have a hard time finding sucker #9.
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Onthefencedil Nov 2022
Yes we rented it to someone who helped us finish it. My partner and i have agreed that if she does leave her boyfriend and is homeless, he will talk to his brother and sister and they can all figure out what to do together. It cant be all on him again. I know she is on a couple of waiting lists for senior living facilities and no she will never live with us no matter what circumstance she puts herself in. Over my dead body! Ive seen and heard enough to know what shes about.
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Thanks for the update!

Maintain those boundaries!
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UPDATE.

She’s back!!! Well shes back in touch with my partner, her son anyway. He received the message yesterday. The first part was an apology for the things she had said, moving swiftly onto informing him that her husband had died and left her nothing in his will (husband #7, the guy she left who was terminally ill 4 years ago and who after several efforts to get her back finally took up with someone else). I guess that was a shock to her? 🤷‍♀️ Meanwhile, shes living with her newest boyfriend elsewhere. The message ended with her asking my partner to remember the good things she had done for him in life. So, Basically, an apology, followed by a “poor me” and a sprinkle of emotional blackmail for good measure. God help us !
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BurntCaregiver Nov 2022
I'm glad your partner's son is speaking to his mother. That's a good thing. Beware though because the reopening of communication can turn out to be a Trojan horse for you and him. Once she (the Trojan horse) gets inside the city gates (your house) all the soldiers (her needs and demands) come running out and wreck everything.
Beware of aging narcissists bearing gifts. This woman has had seven husbands. She knows how to get someone else to take care of her so don't worry.
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No you aren't wrong. Her over the top response underlines in red just exactly WHY your decision was a good one.
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You are not wrong. I wish someone had given me his advice before going through this with my own mother. It cost me $9,000 and 7 months of misery to get her out. The whole thing is really sad but I believe you would be in my shoes soon since she sounds just like my mom who I moved into the suite because she was fighting with everyone in her last place and hated it there. I thought I was giving her a great opportunity since she can't afford anything, but then she just started demanding things here and would just use guilt to get the demands met. I finally set some reasonable boundaries such as a rule of no vaping inside and she did the same thing where she said I was dead to her, wanted my partner to move etc. Not only did it cost me that in moving expenses, repairs etc., I am paying her rent elsewhere because she has no money and it is apparently my fault that she is homeless.
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Michelle2828 Jun 2022
great answer, Scooby6,

wow, unbelievable what has happened to you. it really brought the thought to me about the old proverb, good intentions:

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

i wish you the best of luck, and hopefully, you can find a way to get your financial situation straightened out. it must be just hell to have that financial insecurity at this time in your life. i really hope that there is someone or something that could step in to help with this financial burden.

yours,

M.
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Having a parent move in w you or not is a huge decision to be weighed by you and your spouse alone. No judgement, no guilt, no regret, and certainly no manipulation. Just the fact that she cut communication w you over this should tell you that you’ve made the right decision.
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Onthefencedil: IF you were to allow your MIL to move in, it would be a mistake, knowing her lifestyle and the fact that she had/has no plan for self care.
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Don’t be sucked in by any aged parent or In Law by letting them live with you. You’ve dodged that bullet. Good for you.
I wish I would’ve had that foresight before guilting myself and moving my father in with my husband and me. I was stupid enough to have him here because I was tired of having his neighbours ringing me and telling me of his latest drama. We can’t put him into care for reasons that I won’t go into. I’ve got got no one else to depend or help me. Whatever love i
had for him, he destroyed long ago.
He’s manipulative and narcissistic. I’m just hoping it all ends soon. I know I’m selfish but it what it is.
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You are not wrong and neither is her son. I sought advice from folks here for a similar situation and it empowered me and freed me from guilt that wasn't mine to own. We all must live with the decisions we make and so must she. It's not fair for you and her children to give up financial security and the stability of a healthy marriage because she continues to make bad choices. Those are hers to own. I say support your husbands decisions, help both of you by having a discussion of what you are willing to do for her and what you are not, then letting her know and sticking with it. The sticking with it is the hard part, I know, especially with someone who is a master in manipulating things. Sometimes fences are needed to protect what you truly hold precious.
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eat-pray-love Jun 2022
Great response. So much of what you wrote here resonates w/me. And words I need to commit to my mind.. I hate the guilt that continues to revisit. I know-we know what we must do--the boundaries we must instill for our own health & wellness, that of our Kids & significant others.. for our careers..for our dreams. I LOVE the elderly who aspire to have as much independence as possible---who do not guilt their children or family members.. I need days between seeing my Mom 2 hrs away...to come back into myself and have been putting 10-14 days betw visits as she is very toxic.. One day at a time, but I will never cave in and live with her or vice versa, no matter her continual manipulative language. I will be there for her, as best I can, but professionals will step in when the time comes. Way too brutal to deal with the nonstop NPD + Borderline.. "You are not wrong ...I sought advice from folks here for a similar situation.. and it empowered me and freed me from guilt that wasn't mine to own. We all must live with the decisions we make and so must she. It's not fair for you and her children to give up financial security and the stability of a healthy marriage.....having a discussion of what you are willing to do for her and what you are not, then letting her know and sticking with it. The sticking with it is the hard part, I know, especially with someone who is a master in manipulating things. Sometimes fences are needed to protect what you truly hold precious." ***GREAT advice!
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I agree with Mipollito's response....Key words...."none of her 3 kids want her living with them"!!!!
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Don't feel guilty, you are dodging a bullet. My daughter is fighting MIL problems with a passive aggressive MIL. Do your best not to let her move in. It will be disaster. There is a good reason why her kids don't want her.
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There’s a reason her 3 kids don’t want her at their home. Do you really want to find out?

Trust your gut and your bf.

good luck!
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GUILT /ɡilt/ noun: the fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime.

The word “guilt” implies your involvement influencing her every decision with damaging intentions. You do NOT feel guilt. It is very, very important for your spirit, outlook, and how you proceed to use the right term. Your brain needs this hack. You feel sad, and you feel bad. You’re a caring human being but you have to, and I mean have to make that correction when you talk to yourself about how you feel about her situation. The word guilt is never to enter your mind and mouth again.

“But” you may say to yourself “I know her now so from this point on surely I can use the word guilt because if I don’t give Ms Self Destruction 1946 assistance then I’m complicit, (also a wrong word), to her demise”. 
Nope. 

As much as that G word is used and it massages that whacky part of you, your relationship is doomed and she will RULE the trajectory of you lives. She has no place in it. Surround yourselves, as best you can, to your graves, with admirable, elevating (makes you smile), good natured, trustworthy, people.

It’s a million percent your business, but your sweetheart has not made vows to you which includes Let no man put asunder (which means - no one can come between you and your man. Including mom), which also means you have no legal power or say, and if, heaven forbid, something unfortunate happens, Ms Destruction will be next of kin. Just a thought. She is a problem that will keep on giving.

That little tidbit is beside your issue but you are the adults. She is a silly destructive child. Anyone who’d rather sleep in a car should. 

As long as she thinks she’s got you, the chances that she will ever improve is reduced even further. Rescuing in this case is actually enabling and you will have more reason to feel increasingly bad.

Best help. Be prepared. Keep a list of names, addresses and phone numbers to outside resources like shelters.
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SerenitySam Jun 2022
You certainly picked a great definition to support your rant. Here’s another

“guilt”

A feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined

Thank you MicheleDL
for convincing me that THIS forum has less to do with care than self righteousness and protecting one’s cash assets
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There's a good chance that her impulse control issues would cause her to up and move after a few months at your place.

To repair the relationship, you might want to ask an attorney to write up a contract for her to sign, like a lease that has her pension as collateral (if that's legal to do). Coming up with a market rate rent that will help you meet your financial goals (and move in requirements like first, last and cleaning deposit) and a separate entry way where she only has a key to "her" place. If she finds this contract distasteful, she can let you know that she no longer wants to move in. Then it will be she who refuses the proposed living situation.

Also, require end-of-life plans for placement (if necessary) and funeral arrangements prepaid. This should make the reality check very clear that she is responsible for every aspect of her life and her death.
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Tante1946 Jun 2022
Don't do it!!! It will ruin your relationship, it will ruin your financial peace, it will ruin your health...Don't do it! Call Adult protective service in her community and find out what her options are there.
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There’s a saying…
I never trust words. I even question actions. I can always trust patterns.
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She’s addicted to drama, she’ll bring that into your house. Be thankful she cut ties.
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Now, take a breath and think about it. No. No. No. Her track-record speaks for herself. There are a number of government agencies that can help out an elderly person who has no money or family and cannot care for herself. Just because we're not talking the Ritz, it doesn't matter. She's going to work on your guilt and your partner's guilt like crazy. It's apparently what she does. She's an abuser in all but name and do you want someone like that a stone's throw away?
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Don’t let Her reel you in like that. I’m sure your partner has been reeled in enough times that he’s learned his lesson. If he doesn’t feel guilty you shouldn’t feel guilty. You can’t fix it. She’s made her bed now she hast to line it the only reason she’s upset with you is because she didn’t get her way and she’s throwing a temper tantrum like a two-year-old. My mother-in-law used to do the same thing and it really caused a lot of trouble between me and my husband because he was always trying to please her so it’s a good thing that your Where is standing up to her
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I would say your MIL’s response has confirmed that you were entirely right to trust your instincts and not have her come live with you. Phew! You dodged a bullet - once in, she’d be very difficult to move out and if this behaviour is anything to go by, you’d be manipulated and bullied into putting her wants and needs above your own. Not healthy at all for either of you. The fact you’re asking the question shows her manipulation is having a partially desired effect (on her part). Stay strong! You’re not saying you won’t support her, just that you don’t want her to live with you. Good luck!
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Stop feeling guilty. You are NOT responsible. - This woman sounds like a narcissist of the worst kind - who's only there for herself and expects everyone to bow to her demands. Support your partner in his decisions when it comes to his family. My DIL has disowned me because I wouldn't take sides in a dispute between her and my son. (I told her it was none of my business.) I'm doing fine and have maintained a great relationship with my grandchildren.
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Good Morning,

By any chance is your mother-in-law Elizabeth Taylor! You go girl--7 husbands!
Good for you honey...I'm just jealous. I wanted to give everyone a laugh.

Someone who is unpredictable and impulsive in behavior can be very disruptive in a family, mealtimes, the job market, etc. Some people never plant roots or they see "order" as a sign of weakness--most of us in life have a routine that we do day in and day out, year after year. It's called responsibility. Showing up on time, paying bills on time, saying no to invitations on a whim because you have to do things for the greater good in life.

However, the number one fear in life is to die alone. Basically, not taking a person in is not necessarily abandoning the person. You can hold their hand, invite them for the Holidays' and oversee everything, however, you don't want to go down with the ship. It's easier said than done under the best circumstances taking people in. But if you pick up a Scorpio and it stings you...you knew it was a Scorpio when you picked it up.

Everyone has one in the family. One minute they're in California the next they're living on an Indian Reservation. If you in turn get up and go to work, keep your house in order, pay yours bills, go to Church on Sunday, early-to-bed, early-to-rise, they think you're boring. No, it's called maturity and acting like an adult.

Don't sign anything that will follow you. You can collect resources--hire an Elder Attorney, Social Worker, perhaps go log onto the portal with the Primary Care Doctor but don't be coerced into a situation that you know upfront is not going to be a happy ending.

I have a feeling if your mother-in-law goes to an Assisted Living, she'll meet husband #8! Hopefully she keeps marrying up.

You can however, visit, help mark her clothing, go out for lunch now and then--a phone call on a Sunday night.

Best of luck, prayers are with you...Amen Sister!
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Print out your post. Put it on your refrigerator. Re-read everyday to remind yourself of her previous actions (you can predict future behavior by past behavior) she's not going to change. You are seriously risking your future happiness if you let her in. Its better to care for yourselves than to even worry about a woman who can't/won't face reality. Married 7 times is a HUGE HUGE red flag.
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Your mother in law can live any which way she chooses. She can start a relationship, she can stop a relationship, she can sell a home, she can buy a car, she can move from state to state...whatever she wants to do. The beauty is.... so can you. Sounds like MIL doesn't think anyone else has choices but her. Remind her of that. Do not feel guilty. She'll probably change her mind by next month. There is a reason none of her children care to have her move in...they obviously know their mother!
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Her circumstances are of her own making and she obviously can't see that.
No reason for you to feel "guilty" (by the way a much over used and misused word if you ask me.)
Plan your lives. Continue with the plans you have and be glad that she is not going to freeload.

(by the way a side comment and I hope you do not take offence...When you say "my partner and I recently bought a house..." I do hope that you have protected yourself and your investment and that both of your names are on the mortgage and that this is an equal partnership. Ya just never know....)
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