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Visiting her old house if for no other reason than to look around. I believe my mother is looking for normalcy after moving into AL. A visit to her house with her a few months ago was a complete disaster... Crying, yelling, and a determination to move herself back. I had to drag her out of the house. My mother was diagnosed with Major Neurocognitive Disorder (Dimentia) possibly due to Alzheimer disease, so her short term memory is not good. I always try redirection, but, she is fixated on getting to the house. (she does not even remember the last visit.) Everyone tells me, it is NOT a good idea to take her to the house for a visit. It will only reinforce her the idea that she can take care of herself. Have you experienced this? (house went through an estate sale w/o her knowledge and up for sale next week.) Can't afford to keep it. Talk about guilt... Is this the norm?

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Yep...Quite the norm, and everyone who told you it's a bad idea is right. It would just make a bad situation worse. And....Screw the guilt trip. Do what ya gotta do. She'll be fine.
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Take the advice of others, do NOT take Mom back to see her house again. I've never been through that, but from what I have read on the forums here, it can turn into a disaster.

When my Mom was in long-term-care, she wanted to go "home" but for her I realized "home" meant her childhood home in another State. I would say "maybe tomorrow" and that would settle her down, until the next day.
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Has she been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? There are meds that can help this level of agitation and obsession.
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Agreed, but, who wouldn't want to go home.. the meds aren't going to help. Like an aspirin is going to cure cancer. She has seen a neurologist/psychiatrist and is on Lexapro, and I think we are moving to Prozac when Lexapro runs out.
Dude, not offense.. you are helping.. so thank you.
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Bringing her back led to obsessing for days. Crying, carrying on with blaming the kids. My SIL took her back when I told her not to, as the house was being cleaned out. Seeing her stuff fly out the door broke mom down.
The second time, mom said she just wanted to drive by. Then she asked sis to stop. Immediately mom exited the car and a verbal battle ensued. More crying, more anxiety, more depression. Don't do it.
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No.
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Maybe you can come up with a therapeutic fib, like the house flooded and they're having to do a lot of work -- something along that line. I hope that soon she'll forget about it and make the best of her life there.
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LOL JessieBelle!!! I saw your comment and thought, "What in the world is that gal talking about?"

But on topic, I agree with everyone. Not a good idea to go back to the old house. My dad's house (our childhood home) was on the market and staged and I could not get it into his head that it wasn't his house anymore. I think he figured that if it was empty and still standing it was his. He insisted on moving back in. He thought it was great that it was staged! He wouldn't have to go out and buy more furniture! So I finally get him off of the moving back in thing and he states, "Then I'll just pitch a tent and live in the backyard!"

It was a side of my dad I had never seen before and he didn't even have dementia but he was completely irrational when it came to this house. I hadn't found this website at this point in my dad's life so I didn't know that elderly people could get like this. I just thought he was going crazy.
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I'm an 85 year old woman who recently moved to an independent living facility because I found it difficult to care for my apartment and prepare nutritious meals. I miss my independence, but focus on living in the present. I believe visiting my apartment would have a negative effect on me.
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We brought my FIL home for a few hours the 1st Christmas he was in a SNF. He was confused & scared, kept asking questions about where he was. It was the last time we did that, for the next few years we arranged a room at the SNF where we could all go be with him the day after Christmas or on his birthday. He was happy to see us all and knew where he was and that he was safe. Much less stress on my Sister-In-Law too.
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Your arrangement at the SNF seems ideal. Your father was surrounded by family in a familiar setting.
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We moved mother and dad out of the "family home" and it was the "dream home" for both--daddy built it. Mother has asked once or twice in the 17 years since to see it--and as I HAVE been inside and all around the home (the owner needed some inside info on some odd things that daddy built)--I refused to take mother in. The house still looks much the same, but the "new owner" has done so much to remodel and update that it would break mother's heart to see it. (It's actually so much more functional and lovely than it ever was.)
I would say, no, don't take her. (It was even hard on me to see the house so changed---and I'm not very sentimental!)
Arianne--YOU have a great attitude!!!
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What a terrible, terrible idea to revisit the old house! What purpose would that serve?? She won't want to leave, she'll make plans to move back in, and her number one topic of conversation from then on will be "when are we going back to my house? I want to see my house again." Tenfold from what she's saying now! Oh, It would be a huge disaster. Re-visiting the house is not going to put the question to rest, but rile her up to levels un-imagined. She needs an anti-anxiety pill, not just an anti-depressant.
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It's very important to keep the Alzheimer/dementia sufferer in the present moment and if already in a home, sidestep all requests to take him/her home. Find elusive answers. The day I told my friend that she would never be going home was emotionally upsetting for both of us, and she had already forgotten it the next time I saw her. I kept bringing pictures to put up on the wall and photos of people she had known decades ago, plus some more magazines and makeup, and the questions stopped. Chocolate biscuits also helped!!
So make your person very comfortable in the here and now, and that will distract them from asking questions.
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Absolutely can relate. Anyone who has had to remove a loved one from their beloved home knows the anguish and guilt. I will live with the guilt for the rest of my life. My 94 year old mother was still in her home and failing. Dementia setting in and not getting good meals, etc. Meds were getting screwed up, etc. She fell and broke ribs and had to go to rehab. I lived 4 hours away from her. We had to fib and tell her that she had done a good job in rehab but still had more healing to do so I told her I found a nice apartment with therapy for her to live in for a while longer. She was horribly upset and begged to be taken back home. I will never get over it. I know I had to do it but still the guilt was h3ll. At one point I thought about taking her back for a visit but was advised against it so I didn't. It has been two years now and we have since sold the home. She finally stopped talking about it and now talks about her childhood home. Much better. I feel bad for anyone who has had to experience the hell of removing their parents from their home. I will never do this to my children! My husband and I are retired and looking to sell our house and buy a condo or something.
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My girlfriend's husband had AL and had to go to a lockdown facility. The doctors told her don't even drive him near the old neighborhood. So, she didn't.
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Thanks for sharing all these experiences. My Dad (91, Parkinson's, vascular dementia, depression) was moved into AL in March and has been asking these same questions, and this seems to validate all my concerns; I've shared your stories with my brother and stepmom.
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It can be a mixed bag if you decide to let her visit. My father desperately wanted to go home and I wish he had, as his adopted daughter with whom he was temporarily staying assaulted him and gave him a stroke that ultimately ended his life. His adopted son, whom he'd named as his POA, usurped my father's checking account and removed all the money and we ended up in court over it. Finally, we (my stepmother, sister, niece, me and my daughter) got a court appointed guardian for his physical and financial welfare. My father died 10 months after the initial assault, still calling for his cat and wanting to go home. It was extremely difficult for those of us who loved him. My stepmother declined rapidly and we had to remove her from the home at the doctor's recommendation. We took her back after my father's funeral and she fell asleep on the couch and never even tried to go upstairs or look around. She'd always said she wanted to die in her home, but as it's turned out, she never asks about it and wasn't that interested in seeing it again when we took her. I can't say she's happy where she is in a nursing home, but she's accepted it. She was the biggest surprise to us, I think. She let go very easily. My father, I believe, would have wanted to stay a while longer, but until he was assaulted and had the stroke, he was not yet in a bad enough shape to go into AL or a nursing home. We'll never know how much longer he could have stayed on the farm, but after his death I made sure I left my stepmother with a court appointed guardian for her physical and financial welfare after the horror of what happened to Daddy. (We live 650 miles away). Of the two of them, I would have thought my father, who had begun to realize that he couldn't keep up with the care of the property, would let go more easily. It's turned out to be the other way around. You just never know. I'd say you know your mother better than anyone else, and if you think she'd be fine, you could try, but be prepared to be surprised. I certainly was.
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