Looses it accused us of taking it and never given her any because we want it for outlets elf after she is gone now she is mad and has refused to eat all day any suggestions she says if she don't eat she will die sooner
Poor Mother. She can't keep track of her possessions. Is she losing her mind? Heavens, don't even think of it! Someone must be taking thinks from her. So she'll hide her money. She wants her money. Can't remember hiding it. See, someone IS taking it! How can she regain control and make them stop??
It must be very miserable to not be able to think clearly. This paranoia is a very dreadful period for the poor caregivers and loved ones who are being accused of ridiculous actions for made-up motives. Sometimes this is a phase and will not last indefinitely but while it lasts, oh woe!
Try to take this behavior in stride. Accept that it is common in dementia. Be sympathetic, help her look for what is lost, and try to minimize the fuss that is made over it. Also limit the amount of cash she has access to.
As for the not eating, as you have probably already discovered that won't last. She'll eat when she is hungry enough or when she forgets why she stopped eating, which ever comes first. I think I'd minimize the attention that gets her. "Mom, I think your money should be used for your care and your pleasure while you are still here. I don't care what might be left after you are gone. And speaking of pleasure while you are here, we try to have good food for you to eat. If you don't want it, that is up to you, but we'll still keep providing it."
Stay on her side. Be sympathetic. Don't argue -- pick out the part you can agree with. Try to offer solutions. And above all, recognize that this is Not Your Fault, and it is not dear mother's fault, either. It is a "natural" progression of the dementia.
Yea we have this discussion several times a week and because I want tske her to get more money to misplace or lose she gets irate and pouts refuses to eat and sleeps all the time because she want get out of bed she keeps saying if I don't eat I will die quicker then you can have all my money like you want and to add she does not want for anything she does not get she told my daughter the other day her dream is to have all her meals cooked clothes washed and be able to read all day no worries and my daughter responded well you are living your dream then just don't seem to be able to make her happy no matter what I do
Hmm, we just had this question with several answers, including two from me. The question has disappeared from my activity. I don't know what happened to it. Much of what I wrote was similar to Jeanne, so I won't write it again. If my mother were to get mad and refuse to eat, I would let her know I had her a plate setting on the table whenever she was ready to eat. That may help in making her feel that she had some control over her life again. If I tried to make her eat, it would be like getting in her face. All it would do would make her more determined not to eat. There's no winning with dementia, so it is better to work with them in a way that gives them some control over their lives.
She is not doing all that well if she really believes that of you! Possibly she will not remember this by tomorrow, or possibly you can "find" the money and show her and put it in some kind of lockbox tethered to something she can't lose?
I wonder if it would help any if you played up her "dream life."
My mom is in a nursing home. Her memory is generally pretty bad. She is wheel-chair bound. Yesterday when coming in from some time outside she said, "We better stop and check the refrigerator so I can figure out what to make for dinner." I got a big grin. "Ma, you are retired! Someone else figures out what to make for dinner, and cooks it, and scrubs all the pots and pans and washes all the dishes. Some one else mops the dining room floor. Someone else serves your food. You are retired!" And she gets a big grin on her face, too. Hearing about the parts of her situation she considers good make her happy for a bit.
What if you had this kind of conversation? Mother: I'm going to bed and staying there. I'll die sooner and you can have all my stuff, just like you want. You: Well, Mom, you are pretty healthy and I doubt how much you sleep will make any difference in how long you live. I hope that is a long time. But I know you love reading and it is so hard to do it comfortably in bed. Should I help you get settled in your recliner, and fetch the book you are reading now?
And some random time when she is not complaning: Mom, you did a great job of running your household. I'm so glad you got to retire and enjoy having your food prepared for you, your laundry done, and that you have a lot of time to read. You deserve it!"
Do what you can to give her a little pleasure, but also keep in mind that it is not your responsibility to "make her happy."
I decided today to give her her debit card and checkbook and told her I do not have access to her money any longer to see if this helps she does not go out without me or a family member doesn't have PIN number and don't no how to use it thinking this might ease her mind I told her everytime I have to get her meds now she has to go so she can pay I will see if this eirks
You might want to reconsider giving her access to something you will need - I spent years looking for check books and keys and money and earrings and basically everything of value . She would take credit cards and health cards out of her wallet and hide them to keep them safe so I took them and just left an AARP card in her wallet
Since my mom was a bookkeeper I would let her write checks and pay bills to keep her busy on an afternoon but then I put the checkbook away afterwards
Even if you think you know all her hiding places trust me they can find a new one - money wadded up in Kleenex and stuffed inside her bra ? House keys pinned to her underwear ?
At 93 her security blanket is her purse and her Money - I found some pretty authentic looking fake money online and she loves to count it and offers to pay if we go out.
She still accuses everyone of stealing from her and my sister was the victim of this accusation for years - you know she comes into the house when no one is here and takes things - funny now but not so much then
Msmadge you and I have the exact same story!! Purse and money her security blanket. Mom called police for 3 days after she hid her purse in drawer and was sure she had been "burglarized by her daughter (me)". She insisted they file a report and call NC police as well. I was hurt but had a good laugh and should be used to it by now. We've found hidden bills under coasters, lamps, pillowcases, garage door opener hidden in a sock in an unused nightstand, etc. whatever happened to the dang cookie jar?😅
Sunflo Ahh yes I forgot about the pillowcase - keys were inside there one night too after I spent an hour tearing apart the house looking for them- we have dead bolts that require a key I took to hiding them in the mailbox next to the door and dang if she didn't find them and move them - lol
It must be very miserable to not be able to think clearly. This paranoia is a very dreadful period for the poor caregivers and loved ones who are being accused of ridiculous actions for made-up motives. Sometimes this is a phase and will not last indefinitely but while it lasts, oh woe!
Try to take this behavior in stride. Accept that it is common in dementia. Be sympathetic, help her look for what is lost, and try to minimize the fuss that is made over it. Also limit the amount of cash she has access to.
As for the not eating, as you have probably already discovered that won't last. She'll eat when she is hungry enough or when she forgets why she stopped eating, which ever comes first. I think I'd minimize the attention that gets her. "Mom, I think your money should be used for your care and your pleasure while you are still here. I don't care what might be left after you are gone. And speaking of pleasure while you are here, we try to have good food for you to eat. If you don't want it, that is up to you, but we'll still keep providing it."
Stay on her side. Be sympathetic. Don't argue -- pick out the part you can agree with. Try to offer solutions. And above all, recognize that this is Not Your Fault, and it is not dear mother's fault, either. It is a "natural" progression of the dementia.
My mom is in a nursing home. Her memory is generally pretty bad. She is wheel-chair bound. Yesterday when coming in from some time outside she said, "We better stop and check the refrigerator so I can figure out what to make for dinner." I got a big grin. "Ma, you are retired! Someone else figures out what to make for dinner, and cooks it, and scrubs all the pots and pans and washes all the dishes. Some one else mops the dining room floor. Someone else serves your food. You are retired!" And she gets a big grin on her face, too. Hearing about the parts of her situation she considers good make her happy for a bit.
What if you had this kind of conversation?
Mother: I'm going to bed and staying there. I'll die sooner and you can have all my stuff, just like you want.
You: Well, Mom, you are pretty healthy and I doubt how much you sleep will make any difference in how long you live. I hope that is a long time. But I know you love reading and it is so hard to do it comfortably in bed. Should I help you get settled in your recliner, and fetch the book you are reading now?
And some random time when she is not complaning: Mom, you did a great job of running your household. I'm so glad you got to retire and enjoy having your food prepared for you, your laundry done, and that you have a lot of time to read. You deserve it!"
Do what you can to give her a little pleasure, but also keep in mind that it is not your responsibility to "make her happy."
Since my mom was a bookkeeper I would let her write checks and pay bills to keep her busy on an afternoon but then I put the checkbook away afterwards
Even if you think you know all her hiding places trust me they can find a new one - money wadded up in Kleenex and stuffed inside her bra ? House keys pinned to her underwear ?
At 93 her security blanket is her purse and her Money - I found some pretty authentic looking fake money online and she loves to count it and offers to pay if we go out.
She still accuses everyone of stealing from her and my sister was the victim of this accusation for years - you know she comes into the house when no one is here and takes things - funny now but not so much then
We've found hidden bills under coasters, lamps, pillowcases, garage door opener hidden in a sock in an unused nightstand, etc. whatever happened to the dang cookie jar?😅
Ahh yes I forgot about the pillowcase - keys were inside there one night too after I spent an hour tearing apart the house looking for them- we have dead bolts that require a key
I took to hiding them in the mailbox next to the door and dang if she didn't find them and move them - lol