Mother has Alzheimer’s- father has a new girlfriend and spending joint account. Should I say something?

I had a very different life experience than many here had. My mother and father were divorced in the late 60's. My father was a drinking alcoholic who took a swing at my mother, she gave him 15 minutes to get out of the house and never let him back in the house.
Go forward 5 yrs and my mother was introduced to a man at a BBQ one of her coworkers had, with the idea of fixing up my mother and the man that became our stepfather. I want to say this. The three most influential men in my live were my maternal uncle who was a Priest, My Stepfather, and my Father in Law.
My mother and Stepfather made it clear, my father was my father, however, two families had been joined together when they got married. My mother and my stepfather treated each others children the same way they treated their own. We introduced our stepbrothers and sisters as MY Sister & MY Brother, we accepted each other as brother and sisters. Yes we had our arguments like most children, we attended each others weddings when possible due to in some cases money issues of adult children which we'd become. My mother died 13 yrs after mother and stepfather were married. Our stepfather remained single for the last 30 yrs of his life. What he did for one of the 10 of us, he did for all of us, your last name was different, but we were still a family. Yes, some things got ugly as we entered our middle ages with each other, one from our generation died very young at the age of 58, a little more than a year after my stepfather died.
After my stepfather died my stepsister became executor of the estate, my stepfather's wishes were that every last penny was to be equally divided to each adult child, grandchildren excluded. He figured we could take care of our own.
The vast majority of us are entering our sixties in good financial shape no we're not in touch more than once a year during Christmas time. Our families live as far apart as Europe, and throughout the United States. Some have been less successful, much to their own issues with alcohol and drug abuse. After trying to help them out, like my father, they chose the alcohol and drugs as being more important than family and we've let them go on just like our dad did, we couldn't rescue them and put our own families in financial trouble.
My point being some of us having taken the route of carefully planning for our Elder years, financially and legally, as our mother and stepfather did, some live for today for tomorrow we die attitude. My DW and I had begun the financial estate program a month before I was diagnosed with Early onset ALZ, 5 yrs ago next month. Some of my brothers and sisters have done the same thing. Some have neglected their responsibilities and their children will have the headaches. I encourage all that read this to think about what issues you should address to keep your families future secure. I hope this inspires some thought and action.

Firstly, caring for somebody is really expensive. Who does he expect to pay for all that? The girlfriend should've and should ask where the money is coming from. He is at the end of his life so therefore it is still his job to care for your mother- not you or your sibling.

Talk to your stepbrother about what's going on and voice your desire that there will be money to provide for both of them for many years. Guidance from an elder law attorney can help - and it would be perfect if you both (or all 3 of you) can go together (many consultations are free). That way you can both get unbiased advice at the same meeting and you're making sound financial decisions that will secure your mom's and stepfather's future. Bringing your step-father to that meeting would be a plus.

The advice for you to talk with an elder care attorney is right on - There are many issues that need to be addressed -whose money belongs to whom? Is there current incoming monies and for whom? who has the power of Attorney for your mom? Has anyone talked with you about what is happening? How did you find out? Was there a prenup before they got married? current wills? Is your mother upset about what is going on? Are there other siblings on both sides? To avoid potential issues in the future it is important to know what is happening now. It all may be great - or there could be issues now. As noted by others being executor only occurs after death. I hate to mention it, but does the new girl friend have children - is your step dad supporting them as well? Hope you are able to resolve these questions and all goes well, but as you can tell, I think it appropriate to find out!

Assuming your stepfather continues to pay for your mother's care - and none of us know how long someone with Alzheimer's has, we just know it is life limiting, then what he has to consider is his own position if he has spent a lot of their money before he needs a higher level of care. If he has spent so much that there isn't enough money to keep him then I would have thought Medicaid would question how he has disposed of his assets and he may struggle to get the type of care he would want for himself. Having said which he is in his late 80s which is over average for a man so maybe its all considering possibles that are unlikely. I would want to be absolutely sure Stepfather was capable of making the financial decisions he is. Talk to an elder lawyer and your step brother - you want what is best for them both not just your mother so you should be able to work together.

Does your mother and step-father have enough to support them both at care facility to the end? If so, then the extra in Joint belongs to both mother and step-father. Let him enjoy... as long as your mother will be cared for to the end.

I truly see both sides on this and think the idea of talking to an elder care attorney is a good one. Step Dad has the right (most likely) to spend the money anyway he seems fit. If mom has alzheimers then really, how long does she have to live and how much is she going to need to stay in care. If he spends it all and then needs to go on Medicaid, then, frankly, with alzheimers would she even know the difference? Guess it depends how bad off she is.

On the other hand, if what he is doing will affect the ability to get Medicaid then he needs to be educated on that (and so do you). Doesn't seem like him taking a vacation is reason they could question. Gifting money to the other woman probably is. So it all depends how he does and what he does.

What is often a problem with step families (mine included) is that the surviving spouse has full right to use their joint money (or the money left by the first spouse) anyway they want. In my case my step siblings don't begrudge me spending their inheritance for anything and everything dad needs and wants...but I can certainly see how they might feel that way. My dad is adament that my step siblings get their fair share and they know that. He also cared for their mom at home for many many many years and was a devoted husband and step grandfather. So I'm lucky that they feel that way. On the other side, my own siblings resent that the step kids get anything when he dies and I've already been told they are taking me to probate! But I digress.

If you have a relationship with the step brother, please talk to him and get your concerns in the open. But make this about mom and not about the possible inheritance. I am NOT trying to imply that this is why you are concerned but its something that he might say is your motivation so make it very clear you want your step dad to enjoy his last days, you just don't want Medicaid affected by making the wrong move.

I hope some of this digression will help you.

I would immediately contact an attorney. What your father is doing is horrendous and he must be stopped. That money should be for your mother and for him - not a girl friend. Who has the Power of Attorney (while living). Being an executor only kicks in after death.
You must take control at once of his finances, no choice in that.

he might want to be careful of the money he spends because if he spends it down before she would pass (sorry), and she would end up on medicaid....he is going to have to "cough" up some of that money that he spent since it is a joint account. Check with an elder attorney asap and pass the word onto whomever is in charge of his stuff. wishing you luck.

Whether you want to confront your stepfather about his girl friend is up to you. However now is a good time to figure out what happens to Mom if the money runs out? For example, can she stay at the full care facility on Medicaid, or will she have to move.

You are correct. Can you facilitate a divorce so your mother gets the money she needs in case he winds up spending it all on the gf etc?

Aabsolutely I would say something.
It's not just HIS money, it's theirs & your Mom still needs it.
What's the issue with the girlfriend?
She doesn't have medical insurance?
Doesn't she have a job or savings social security???
She can pay her own way!
I know living with Alzheimers is difficult, but he made a commitment to your Mom in sickness & in health, seems like he forgot those vows he made in front of God.
& no I am not a religious person but I think whether or not she knows he should still see her, speak to her, brush her hair, take care of her...she is STILL HIS WIFE!
It will be his karma coming back three fold to him.
Hope someone shows him more care when his time comes than he is giving to your Mother

Imho, I am wondering where the validation of this spent money is.

With questions like this I always wonder where the OP is getting the information.

Stepfather is planning glamorous vacations (but has he spent anything yet?), he's helped the girlfriend financially (really? How do you know?) and has helped with her medical bills (really? What bills? How do you know?).

If it were the stepfather's money, it would be easy: mind your own business. But as it's a joint account, it isn't just his business. Who is representing the OP's mother's interests? If it's the stepfather, and he's gifting, and they both run out of money and there's a Medicaid penalty on the cards then there is going to be trouble.

I think I would, not say something, but ask questions and be strict with myself to ask only about mother's funding and financial security. If that's all taken care of, he can give new girlfriend the shirt off his back as long as he knows what he's doing - and you're sure he himself isn't at risk of financial abuse?

If you do have concerns about your stepfather's wellbeing, perhaps raise those with his son if you're on good terms.

Who has financial POA? If you or your siblings have POA the yes, I would say something. Especially if your Mom's care depends on those finances.

Say something quick. The marriage vows says in sickness and in health and fill death we do part. Your mother is still alive and she is his first responsability. I understand where he is coming from but if he no longer wants this responsibility then get a divorce.

Obviously, you should tell the executor of their estate what you know and let him handle it the way he sees fit.

Perhaps he needs to spend down their money to qualify her for Medicaid so he figures he is going to do it in a way that he can enjoy himself whlie at it. Seems like an open and honest discussion about what the plan is to ensure her care is what is needed.

What would happen if they run out of money? Does he have a backup plan and maybe that’s why he is fine with it. I would ask dad kindly without accusing him or questioning his spending habits if her long time care taken care of and if he has a plan. Spending a couple thousands for a trip should be fine because he should be able to enjoy his life before he gets to your mom’s stage but he might need a friendly reminder that he needs to remember that both he and your mom needs care as well.

As for the girlfriend, it seems like companionship but she should look into finding way to get care if he has to pay for her medical bills because his help is only temporary. I understand your POV that hundreds a thousands may seem like a lot in someone’s mind but not when it comes to something you need for long term plan and he might needs to create a plausible plan of action because they could be living for a long time and he might need to consider that he might not be able to care for three people long term.

so I would say let him have his fun and don’t question his life choices in that matter but maybe ask if there is a plan of action for both of their care if they were to live past 100 like if they have backup insurance if they run out of money.

Whatever he does with money should make no difference to you or your siblings. Alzheimer’s care is very expensive. It is apparent that your mum is being cared for. “Dad” has a right to enjoy his life and share it with someone. He sounds like he’s been quite responsible and should not be treated like a child! One day you may be in the same position. How would you want to be treated?

On the surface it sounds like he is clueless and exploiting funds belonging to your mom. Legally, if a joint account, he probably has a legal right to do what he is...but it's not right ethically/morally. I would find a certified elder law attorney and get some guidance. Maybe spin it in a different way to seem as if it is in both their interests (and paid for out of their funds) as far as other legal documents for review etc. Wishing you luck.

I would consult a family attorney. I know my mother in laws care was $8K a month in a dementia unit, then there could be unpaid bills still in your father's name....who says dad's in his right mind too?

It is not illegal for him to spend his own money. It is none of your business what he does.

Not sure if the OP has been back to view the responses. Would be helpful to know from Wonder1 more details about the situation (like, who has PoA for the OP's mom, if anyone). Otherwise there's no point in continuing to post here, because it's all conjecture in the absence of facts.

Lack of financial accountability can be a sign of Alzheimer's disease. The girlfriend may be scamming him or they can truly just be enjoying each other's company. Please get stepdad evaluated by a neurologist. If he has dementia of any type, Please contact an elder lawyer to put legal protections around dad and mom. Then, plan to take girlfriend to lunch - without dad - and explain his condition. At that lunch also explain what can and can not happen with "dad's money."

As long as he has mental capacity, this is nobody’s business.

if he loses mental capacity, this is only your brother’s business

if your mom left something to you in her estate planning, you are not an heir until after she passes.

Even tho It probably wouldn't do you much good to mention it, you could let him know your concerns that you think half the money should be put in an account for the Care of your mom then any money spent would have to be accountable.

Your Step Father could find himself eventually on the streets after spending all his money on his new girlfriend and then the girlfriend would be gone too if it's just the money she's after.

You still have living to do at 80 and you said he was good and took care of your mom for years so I suppose it's nice that he gets a 2nd time around with his new friend.

Of course I wouldn't tell your mom even tho she would forget right after being told.

HAve you spoken with your Step brother to see if he's got any real concern? He will be the one to know how fast his Dad is going through the money.

Prayers

You should talk to an Attorney to see what your options are just in case.


you could let

Your stepfather has been prudent, responsible, and caring enough to care for your mother and provide for her for all these years, in sickness an in health, as well as amassing a tidy nest egg. He has provided her with a safe living situation and appropriate care as her condition advanced. I think you can have faith that he will continue to be prudent, and her needs will be met. The tragedy of ALZ is that as it progresses the person who has it is, for all intents and purposes, gone, while their spouses and family are left behind, lonely and stressed, with ongoing and heavy physical and financial responsibilities to them, And life left to live. I think as long as your mother is provided for, your stepfather is entitled to a life.

If he took and is still taking good care of mom by having her in a good facility, paying the bill and visiting once in awhile, let it go.

They worked hard to have what they do and I am sure that they planned for a very different retirement than they got. I, for one, would want my husband to find some joy in life if I was in your mom's place. I watched my grandpa lose his own life when my grandmother had a series of strokes that left her in full blown dementia from Friday to Monday. I would have been happy for him if he had found someone who he could have had some good, happy times with. Instead, I remember a very angry, then very sad man and that is worse than anything else I can imagine in your 80s.

If you believe that he is being taken for a financial fool by some gold digger, please, please speak with his son and help him not get wiped out but, if not, support him, because he obviously loved your mom, from your own words he has taken very good care of her.

If you alianate him, you could have problems with your mom unless you get guardianship, he is legal next of kin, and she is to far gone to have to deal with that kind of thing unnecessarily.

I would take him to lunch and verify that mom is not in a position of losing her care while he is traveling and then offer to help while he is gone. DO NOT assume that his new girlfriend has malicious intent, because not everyone has those issues and it may very well be that she has walked in his shoes and can offer true understanding and companionship.

As long as your mom is taken care of and not in danger of being transferred to a Medicaid facility as a ward of the state because of his actions, wish him well and ask for pictures.

I understand your concerns, but if dad is in is upper 80's is there much of a chance that the vacations you are talking about ever get past the "planning" stage? I'm in my 50's and travel planning takes a toll on me...could it possibly be these are pie-in-the-sky plans that will never come to anything? For a while briefly, my mom had been talking about going on a cruise with us, but then when I asked her about logistics - for example, "mom, how are you going to be able to navigate getting into the bathroom", etc, those plans ended pretty quickly. If dad mentions these "vacations" to you again, you might want to ask him things like that.

How much money are we talking about with giving it to the new girlfriend? A few hundred dollars or thousands? If it's thousands of dollars, then I think your concerns are warranted, but if it's only a relatively few bucks, then I wouldn't get overly worked up about it.