Hi thank you for reading.
My stepfather has been wonderful for the past 25 years married to my mother. They live in an active adult senior facility that has an end-care stage. My mother was moved to the full-time care building. My stepfather cared for her for years not wanting to let her go to full time care and he wouldn’t live with her. Now that she has moved to full time care two years ago and her Alzheimer’s leaves her not really knowing what’s going on...my stepfather has a new girlfriend and he has all kinds of vacations planned for them. But he’s spending the joint bank account he shares with my mother. He has helped the girlfriend financially, helps with her medical bills. My step brother is the executor of their will for both sides. Should I say something? My mother's care is very expensive and although they have a few hundred grand in the bank that goes quickly. But it should not be spent on the girlfriend. Do you agree or should I just let it go. He’s in his upper 80’s...let him have a good time...he took great care of mom??
By all means, tell your brother what's going on bc he's the executor for both. But obviously dad's been upfront about everything since you know all his plans and what he's spending money on; he's not being secretive about anything. Then maybe you all 3 can talk about his plans to pay for mom's future care AND his plans to finance his own life. Then you may feel more comfortable with the plans in general. Perhaps he'll agree to compromise by no longer paying any of the girlfriends medical bills, that's what I'd shoot for if it were me. Leave the vacations alone.
Good luck to you! I hope it all works out!
After 3 ½ years since my wife's death, the overriding emotion I still experience is not sadness, grief has run its course, and certainly no guilt, but loneliness. Holding hands, snuggling, just being together, all the simple things in life can be a driving force in finding a surrogate companion to satisfy those needs. We all need social connections. Upon visiting my wife in MC one day, I found her walking hand in hand with another resident. I was taken back at first, but then realized she was in MC. Even she needed companionship.
Sp19690 sees spending money on other women as being stupid or incompetent. Finding someone else to hold hands with in your later years isn't stupid or incompetent. It's a primal need for companionship.
Your dad and mom being joint account holders allows dad to spend as much of it as he wishes. If you're uncomfortable with the situation, and I know you are, you don't have to let it go you can mention it to him, but by all means don't get argumentative, you'll be the loser. You could say that you are uncomfortable with his new relationship, but that you understand his loneliness and his need for a friend. You say he took care of your mom and I assume he was a good dad also, so mention that also. Mention it to him if you need to, but don't discourage his need for a surrogate companion.
Stepfather is planning glamorous vacations (but has he spent anything yet?), he's helped the girlfriend financially (really? How do you know?) and has helped with her medical bills (really? What bills? How do you know?).
If it were the stepfather's money, it would be easy: mind your own business. But as it's a joint account, it isn't just his business. Who is representing the OP's mother's interests? If it's the stepfather, and he's gifting, and they both run out of money and there's a Medicaid penalty on the cards then there is going to be trouble.
I think I would, not say something, but ask questions and be strict with myself to ask only about mother's funding and financial security. If that's all taken care of, he can give new girlfriend the shirt off his back as long as he knows what he's doing - and you're sure he himself isn't at risk of financial abuse?
If you do have concerns about your stepfather's wellbeing, perhaps raise those with his son if you're on good terms.
They worked hard to have what they do and I am sure that they planned for a very different retirement than they got. I, for one, would want my husband to find some joy in life if I was in your mom's place. I watched my grandpa lose his own life when my grandmother had a series of strokes that left her in full blown dementia from Friday to Monday. I would have been happy for him if he had found someone who he could have had some good, happy times with. Instead, I remember a very angry, then very sad man and that is worse than anything else I can imagine in your 80s.
If you believe that he is being taken for a financial fool by some gold digger, please, please speak with his son and help him not get wiped out but, if not, support him, because he obviously loved your mom, from your own words he has taken very good care of her.
If you alianate him, you could have problems with your mom unless you get guardianship, he is legal next of kin, and she is to far gone to have to deal with that kind of thing unnecessarily.
I would take him to lunch and verify that mom is not in a position of losing her care while he is traveling and then offer to help while he is gone. DO NOT assume that his new girlfriend has malicious intent, because not everyone has those issues and it may very well be that she has walked in his shoes and can offer true understanding and companionship.
As long as your mom is taken care of and not in danger of being transferred to a Medicaid facility as a ward of the state because of his actions, wish him well and ask for pictures.
I would tell the executor. Maybe a tactful convo regarding future planning can be held with StepDad? About getting professional elder financial advice, maybe to set up new accounts: Mom's share, StepDad's share (split into bills & thrills). Having professional input may keep trust & avoid bad tensions... and hopefully prevent any elder abuse...
I see both sides but I am skeptical of a relationship that begins this way.
This is tough for the family. Best wishes to you and your family.
A few 100 grand in the savings isn't going to support her needs, HIS needs and this GFs needs for long. Depending on what kind of vacas the GF is trying to weasel out of him, they may cost MORE than the LTC mom is getting.
IMO, he wants companionship, he can have it. He wants to go on vacations, he can go, but he NEEDS to be aware that if he blows through all this money and either his wife OR he needs care and there's no money, it isn't likely they will qualify for Medicaid. I don't think multiple expensive vacations are considered qualified "spend down" items...
Certainly OP can talk to the SB, but understand that executor means absolutely nothing at this stage of the game, and at the rate his father is going, there likely won't be anything to "execute". If you can enlist him to get on board and understand the jeopardy his dad might be putting his wife and himself into, perhaps he will work with you? If he blows it all and then needs a place to stay, is SB on board with taking him in? I'd place a small bet saying NOPE, he isn't interested in that!
We don't know what your relationships were during this marriage, was it before emancipation or after? Did you grow up some together? Did you get along then and do you now?
If SB isn't willing to listen or work with you and SD is also not willing to listen, then by all means, you should look into taking control over your mother's affairs. It will take a bit of time and money with an EC attorney, but if you file for guardianship, the assets should be split in such a way that her needs will be covered and he would have some for his own needs. I would consider asking for an emergency guardianship. He can blow through that 200G in no time, then who will pay for mom's care? If the courts can freeze some or most of the assets, then once the court makes a decision and splits the assets, he can go blow it all if he wants. I too am figuring he's going to be in for a world of hurt, emotionally, and financially. She'll likely dump him faster than you can say paper or plastic, once the money dries up.***
Your mother would be the victim here, if nothing is done. At least half of that 200G should be set aside for her, along with whatever income she currently has (SS only?) That might get her another year+ depending on the cost. Hopefully she's also on hospice, which will provide supplies like briefs, wipes, medical equipment.
***Sorry sjplegacy - I can agree with your assessment about need for companionship and all that, however, in this case the wife ISN'T legally dead. I could *NEVER* at any age become involved with a man who has a wife, disabled or not. I also wouldn't want to take away from the funds that will be needed for her care, or be with a man who thinks so little of it all that he'd be willing to blow it all on me, leaving his beloved wife up the creek! I wouldn't want him paying my way anyway, I am quite self-sufficient to pay my own way, if I really wanted to tag along with him, despite his marriage.
Sorry to have a jaded view of this "other" woman, but unless she's just an empty headed bimbo, she's in this for what she can get and then she'll hit the highway, burning rubber on the way out.
As you probably already know, those 55+ communities are expensive. Not only is Step-Dad paying a mortgage or rent, there is also HOA fees.... and he is also paying for room, board, and care for your Mom, such costs are around $6-10k per month. Ask Step-Dad what would he do if there isn't enough money to continue with Assisted Living/Memory Care? He would have to do the 24-hour care himself once again.
I would ask Step-Dad if the shoe were on the other foot and it was him who was in Assisted Living/Memory Care..... how would he feel if your Mom decided to get a boyfriend where she was paying his bills and going on vacation, from money that Step-Dad had worked had to save.
I can see Step-Dad having an evening out with a lady friend, but vacations should be a no-no, even more so with the covid virus. Even if he had his shots, he can still get a case of covid but the shot would keep him from passing away.
The danger here is that your SD will mismanage their money so that your mother won't qualify for Medicaid. This will be a BIG problem (for both of them) because -- if he runs out of money -- unless "someone" puts up the money every month for her care, she will need to leave and be cared for by a relative at home, because there won't even be funds for in-home care. This is if she does not qualify for Medicaid AND assuming the facility even accepts Medicaid residents.
If your step-dad is your mother's PoA and he is spending their money unwisely, I suggest you convince him to join you for a consult with an elder law attorney who will let him know in no uncertain terms the train wreck that he may be creating. If your SD refuses to deal with this, then may you may need to pursue guardianship of your mother through the courts. One thing to keep in mind is that Medicaid rules differ in every state, so if you live out of state from them, you will need to speak to an attorney for their state.
I'd like to side comment that my husband is from a blended family. There can often be issues in such families since they don't have a life-long history together, and especially if the step-parent has children from a prior marriage. Lack of transparency by the step-dad can create suspicions and concerns that are unfounded. BUT, since you don't seem to even know the difference between a PoA and an executor of an estate, I think you need to get more info to answer your posted question, starting with: who is your mother's PoA? If it is no one, it's too late for her to assign someone, and guardianship by either her family member or the county/state is the only other solution.
In my state (MN) you can have any representative of your choosing to fill out your Medicaid app for you. The problem is, the OP's mom would need access to all sorts of their shared financial and asset info in order to do it. If a rational family member (i.e. not the husband) is not the mom's PoA or legal guardian, this is a train wreck in the making.