My Mother denies she has Alzheimer's, and just wants me to go away. How do I help her?

My first advice to you is to read "Living with Elderly Parents: Do You Regret the Decision?" by Carol Bradley Bursack. You can search for it above in the search bar. I just checked and it has 288 comments. If you are already feeling overwhelmed and helpless and it's already taking a toll on your health, I think you need to seriously reconsider what you would be getting yourself into.

Quit arguing with her and trying to convince her she has dementia. Its a waste of time. Let her think what she wants. Don't argue with her or upset her. Learn to distract, divert and fib a little to get stuff done.

Also, you don't have to stay with her. Be careful of making rules in your head that have no legal reason to be true. These statements will paint you into a corner and remove options you will need to have.

Staying with an aging parent can often times be a total disaster, especially when it comes to dementia. It's not a good idea sometimes. You have to be really honest & aware of what the care work will really entail, and if you want to take that on full time plus. If you wouldn't choose to move into a dementia unit yourself, then think about what life will be like once you've turned her or your home into one.

Maybe a better way to reframe that is to say mom can't live alone anymore. What are other options? Lots!

It's a fantasy these days to think that by moving in, you will save any money. That is a total myth. You'll pay and you'll pay dearly. Your money isn't involved in funding care for mom, so avail yourself of what this site has to offer in the way of instructions and tips to obtain and pay for different care options.

In my opinion - the only things you "have" to do are to ensure your mom is safe, clean, fed, gets adequate medical care, and that YOU have a place to rest and find respite from all of this.

Sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better. I found once good professionals got involved things started to go in the right direction, but we had a year or so that was extremely stressful. I so agree that you look at various options - not just moving in with your mother. 40% of caregivers die before their care receivers. Many of us suffer from stress related health issues. Make sure you look after yourself throughout this.

I do appreciate the advice and references. I am reading and attempting to educate myself as quickly as possible. I understand the futility of arguing with her, but I must admit I get drawn in when she obstinately refuses to make a decision or take action on critical matters. It is a relief to know there are others out there to whom I can turn.

Thanks for that advice. It is easy to get trapped in a particular mindset.

If there is an estate you can pay for guardianship out of that. However if for some reason you are not appointed guardian you would have to pay back those funds. Depending on what state you live in you can get the initial paperwork online. The more stuff you fill out the less money the attorney costs. Are there siblings involved? If not guardianship should be a fairly easy process. You will need a diagnosis, a court visitor would visit your mom to determine if she needs and/or wants a guardian and file a report with the courts. I just went through it in Colorado.

What's Mrs. Humpty Dumpty?

You may be OK with just a POA, unless Mom is not only unreasonable but very much able to take unreasonable actions which both of you would regret terribly. It is a steep learning curve, and a sad journey with hopefully a few rewards and good memories along the way. She is lucky to have you even if she NEVER quite realizes that.

I went through an agonizing phase like this with my mother. With dad, too. Within a year or so they both got so much worse. My sister and I took over more of their safety and care.