I kind of disagree with the side rails. Post hip surgery, mother was terrified she'd fall out of bed (she never had before) and she wanted rails. I ordered them, installed them and she slept one night with them and then happened to mention to her dr she had put them on her bed and he told her to remove them immediately. The risk of her falling BETWEEN the rails and being stuck there all night was great--the only bedrails he'd "allow" were an actual hospital bed with rails. Mother had me remove the rails. I've seen her sleeping and she does not move an inch over the course of 10 hours.
After my dad passed away, my mother started having the radio by the bed on all night, set to a talk station. (She was only 69 at the time, in good health, living in their home about 3 hours from me). I asked her why, and her response was that it helped her to not think about 'things', and helped her get back to sleep if she woke during the night. It was comforting, and she continues it to this day, even though she has now moved into my home.
Rosebush, your post filled my eye with tears and my heart with joy. Thank you for sharing that! If I was old, scared, or and dying alone I would love my daughter to sleep with me, although I dont have one, only sons. Ive been married almost 40 years and I cannot imagine not having a bedbuddy at a time like this.
Please don't be to quick to put an elderly person on anti-depressant meds. If you have a doctor that you really trust to diagnose, ask about how additional meds might interact with meds they are currently taking. It's a fine balance. The stuffed animal could help. I have an aunt with advanced dementia that sleeps with several baby dolls. Somehow they are a comfort. Another option is to look into homeopathic supplements that may calm and ease anxiety. Lavender works well and there are many others. Try the least invasive first whenever possible.
Rosebush, what a lovely relationship you have had with your parents. My mom would never admit to being afraid of dying, but most people are if they do not believe there is something better they are going to after they die. And lying there at night, we all, as you say, re-play our regrets, our worries, etc. so, with not much left in their lives, so many friends now dead, it might explain why my mom keeps the TV blaring all night long! (News) it must help her to keep from dwelling on the death they know is rapidly approaching, and the big unknown.
GerryL, has she said what the reason is for feeling afraid? Is she afraid someone is going to come in to attack her? Afraid she is going to fall? Is this something new for her? Her doctor should be able to give you something for her to take at night. Sometimes, just an aspirin PM can help if she can take aspirin. Get her a body pillow to use at night. Having a plump pillow to hug and throw a leg over can be very comforting at night. Having a night light to get rid of shadows in the room is helpful as well. Do you live with her or does she live by herself? At 94, it doesn't seem likely that she needs to be alone but not much information is given except that she doesn't like to sleep alone. Can you elaborate a little more? What does she say about not being able to sleep?
Midkid58- that was kind of the point I was making- there are no safety standards for home bedrails so most are junk. There are guidelines for beds in hospitals regarding the "seven zones of entrapment" but that is it. What everyone considers a "hospital bed" at home is really a "homecare" bed that doesn't have to follow the guidelines either. The doctor is being cautious because many bedrails are bad- but properly designed, sturdy ones can be extremely helpful- and the benefits outweigh any risks that may be present. In the product world (where I hang out) there are many heated discussions in the "bedrails are bad" debate.
My mom does not want to be alone either. She is especially attached to me & gets upset if I am away overnight on occasion in spite of another sister or niece staying with her. Anti anxiety meds seem to make her mind be fuzzier than usual the next day. She thinks people on TV can see her & is asking to turn TV off at times. She is in a hospital bed in her living room & for last year I have slept on sofa. There is less anxiety for both of us doing it this way! I hope you find what will keep you both safe & happy. Someone suggested Melotolin and I plan to give that a try. I used to get upset & frustrated quite a bit over being 24/7 caretaker but found once I surrendered to the situation I am handling it all much better. I pray you find your answer! This web site has been valuable to me.
I like the suggestion of getting a pet. My MIL lives alone, hates being alone and is depressed. She lives within walking distance and at night my cat follows me to her house when I'm bringing her meds to her. Sometimes my cat decides to stay there for the night and it makes a huge difference. Her mood was a bit lighter this morning, as my cat stayed with her last night. She had another living thing to talk to and the cat will sleep on the couch with her and will sometimes "talk" back.
When I was in my early 50's my first husband died. I was afraid to be alone in the house at night. This didn't make sense, because I was alone during my husband's hospital stays, but reasoning didn't help. For a few weeks friends stayed overnight in guest room. I was happy with my dog's company, but he'd gone deaf and no longer would bark to wake me if here was an outside disturbance or someone came. Using lights on and tv on helped, and eventually I adjusted. If I'd been older and had some dementia I may never have adjusted. Hugs and good luck GerryL.
oh yes. getting a pet might also be a great idea. but I would suggest getting an aide in addition to the pet because the pet cannot reorient the person if they wake up confused or frightened.
Sorry, but she has a husband so I don't think moving in with her Mom is fair to him. I have a baby monitor in the hall to hear Mom far enough to hear if she calls but not so I hear her snoring. Im a light sleeper.
All of this talk of sleep reminds me of me. I was in my 50's and after a divorce I slept with a lot of pillows and a huge stuffed black Teddy Bear. My daughter who had been left at the alter 1 hour before the wedding moved in with me temporarily. One night the bedroom door was flung open, banging against the wall, and in a voice that reminding me of Exorcist she growled, "Give me the teddy bear!!!!", I said, "ok", and she slept with it until she got her own place. We still laugh about it. The point is pillows, teddy bears, animals, all may help. As so many have said, try to find out exactly why she is afraid. My mother in her 90's living alone, thought a planet was a police helicopter watching over the neighborhood. I never told her otherwise. Whatever works.
I'm celebrating my seventh year of living in an apartment, and it's quite interesting. About sleeping alone - I had two female cats living with me in one apartment, and the two female cats later got a new brother later on in the year. One of the girl cats died; the other has a new family so I just have the boy cat now. Bailey is his name; he sleeps in my bed with me. I also have my stuffed Siamese cat in bed with me; his name is Leroy, and he has been my special friend who I have taken to bed with me for who knows how long. I also had my stuffed Bernese Mountain dog who I named Bernie; I had them all in bed with me when I first moved into my first apartment along with the two female cats. I'm young at heart, and this arrangement worked wonders for me; I sort of had the heebie jeebies at first, and I learned how to get along and I knew my rental agents were not going to bite my head off. This sleeping with your stuffed animal, who is your special friend who you take to bed with you, works wonders on a single gal like me who never married or had children
A pet sounds good but takes a lot of care and can be a tripping hazard, especially if the elder has not been used to having one. Stuffed animals or pillows are low - maintenance and can be just as cuddly! But do find out what has her concerned at night. That will lead you to the better solution.
Get her to the psychiatrist, who will give her Diazepam. This is not normal behavior. Or is it? Think about it...elders revert to child-like behavior. Thus, the "elder baby" doesn't want to sleep alone!
as many persons already suggested, I can confirm that the presence of a stuffed, big animal, which she can take in her arms, could be a solution. Although I am nearly 30 years younger, and my husband passed away nearly 8 years ago, I cld not sleep properly. I then took a photograph in my arms, but is not so comfortable. Then I went to a toy shop and got myself a big stuffed panda bear. It was a revelation. The fact that I had something to take in my arms and cuddle, and I also talked to it, as if it were by husband, sleeping got enormously better. I still have it, and fortunately survived washing in the machine and also the dryer, it is still a very nice animal. Also, a night lamp - usual type - on which you put a large handkerchief gives a light, warm light, and cld be a solution. Another thing you can try, is to put some very soft music on for 30 mins. or so. Sorry to say, but many elderly people can be helped with the same things as a baby of a couple of weeks old. So I recommend to try these out, and hope she will have a nice night rest again. Big hug from Antwerp (Belgium) Nicole
When my husband died after 41 years of marriage, I moved to his side of the bed so it wouldn't be empty. (The other side was near a wall.) I did have a cat who slept with me for some years as well. Meds aren't necessarily the answer either, maybe a soothing tea. My MIL's doctor gave her every sleeping med in the book and NONE of them worked. Some of them made her unable to move, but still she would have eyes wide open and moaning. He dr said that what you can face in the daytime and what you can face at might were two different things. Finally we had a daughter or DIL in the room in a recliner at night. What about soft music or nature sounds or something like that? Or even a recording of a soft voice reading something soothing.
maybe a small radio playing soft music will help to mask over any sounds she might hear that might be making her fearful. I know when my hubby would have to work out of town, you DO hear every noise, but if all doors/windows locked, play some soft music, she can hold her late hubby's pillow next to her. and maybe just sit in the room with her for awhile. I do think (for my dad when home) he wanted my mom to sit with him until he fell asleep. I guess we all have a small fear of dying (when older) of being alone when it happens. Not that having someone close by is going to change anything. good luck
Wolflover makes a good observation. When someone's anxiety is heightened, so are noises; what once was a lilac branch brushing against the house became for me during a highly anxious time a sound of someone rummaging around in the house.
Music can mask those sounds, especially if it's soothing, calming music.
There are CDs especially for this purpose - there are some of "bathtime", waves lapping on shore, Baroque music....all very quiet and soothing. Harp and hammered dulcimer music can also have a soothing effect.
I used to work nights and sleep days, then I moved to a house on a busy street where I switched to workings days. I had a fan between me and the street, the noise masked the outside sounds. You can also purchase a noisemaker that sounds like a fan without the breeze. It really helped me.
a lot of good suggestions but another one is don't just jump to giving drugs to calm/help sleep, this could create another whole issue. what if she falls due to being too groggy, I would try something more natural like melatonin or the music. and pets are nice but is she capable of taking care of them (feeding, changing litter box or letting animal out to go (and then would she remember to bring them in, is the yard fenced in so they can't get out).
Wolf I agree with you about drugs although I am not anti drug. Sometimes the side affects are just not worth it, they outweigh the benefits in some instances. I am a offended at the sbove statement that your elderly parent should sleep alone as she should. If my mother needed the comfort of another body with her, why would I punish her because she is elderly and just doesn't understand. I would make the sacrifice and sleep with my mom so she would be so afraid and confused. I know everyone has their own opinions but I just thought that was cold.
Having worked many years with elderly people, I can only repeat what many people already suggested : get her a big stuffed animal ; try the help of a real pet dog who is willing to stay with her in bed ; use a small night lamp ; try some soft music which stops after say 30 mins or so. Another alternative is a small television, but of course then look out for a channel with non violence films or series or only talking, talking, talking. It sometimes helps if you stay in the room and read a very easy going small story as we do with our small children. They calm down and all problems in their head fade away while listening to the story. If you have really tried everything and the problems do not disappear, then I would discuss the matter with the doctor and first try medication based on plant extracts or so. But although she its 94, medication is the last solution.
For a parent that is 94, you really should make some allowances for her, especially when she was so used to someone being there in the bed with her for so many years. Drugs are not the solution, nor is a psychiatrist who most likely, will write a scrip for drugs. Many of those types of drugs either drop your blood pressure, or alter your thinking, alcohol reduces your heart rate as does some drugs. At 94, she really doesn't need her heart slowed down much. A lot of what you do for her really depends on how her life was lived, ie, was the husband there for all those years, was someone else, like a daughter there for many of those years, etc. For myself, I enjoyed being entwined with one of my husbands because it was the most natural feeling, but with the hairy one it was like cuddling with an electric blanket with the controls on HIGH! I went from my house to my husband's house when I was 16, which he let me know it only belonged to him, and overall, I had 5 children who wanted to sleep with me off and on for a few years. They all had to learn to sleep by themselves but sometimes, I found two of them in one bed the next morning and it was fine if he found comfort in his brother's bed when it rained and stormed all night. By the time I reached 60 I was a widow and all the kids had been on their own for may years. At first, I was afraid of the night, but I eventually got long body pillows to cuddle with and it "felt" like another person was there with me. By my 70's I was glad to be in my bed alone! I could stretch out all I wanted and take all the cover if I wanted to! What I'm saying is she will eventually get used to whatever you provide for her and I think IMO, that real soft music, a night light behind a piece of furniture so she can only see the glow, maybe the tv on softly will work. Some of the other ideas sound good, like the melatonin or chamomile tea works great. Having a twin bed in her room and laying down for awhile should be ok as long as you go back to your bed after she's asleep. Especially if you're still married, your husband should want you back in bed with him. Or, if you can afford it, hire an aide at minimum wage, to sit with her only, read to her if she's awake and wake you if there is an emergency. An 8 hour shift could be affordable especially if all the kids chip in if you or hubby has any siblings to help. Or they can take turns and stay one night each for 3 nights and pay for 2 nights. However it can be worked out will help. At 94, she's not likely to be here very much longer so try to make it as pleasant as possible. Talk to her, show her pictures of her husband and kids, places they went to, etc. make it easy dreaming before falling asleep. Good luck, GerryL.
Temezapam might help, but drugs are always the last resort. It is a weak benzodiazepine that helps my mother sleep. Sometimes she asks for it. Sometimes she just goes to sleep without it.
Music can mask those sounds, especially if it's soothing, calming music.
There are CDs especially for this purpose - there are some of "bathtime", waves lapping on shore, Baroque music....all very quiet and soothing. Harp and hammered dulcimer music can also have a soothing effect.