Mother (90) has advanced dementia. How do we help our mother understand we need to get out and will be back soon?
My brother and I care for her 24/7. We don't have any family where we live now. We are able to have two 3-1/2 hour days each week and have recently added an evening of 3 hrs. The problem is that our mother hates us to leave her with anyone. It feels like I'm leaving a child with the babysitter each time we go out. She breaks my heart but it's not really so much time for us. She has been the best mother. I have tried to explain things to her and she seems to understand at times but then I wonder why I even bother as she's only going to forget everything I said. She has told me she doesn't want us to leave her with anyone. When the caregiver gets here my mother will at times close her eyes and say she's sleeping. At times she's okay when we get home but we don't know what went on while we were gone. Thinking of getting a camera that's disguised as something else. But the other night when we went out for close to 3 hours she didn't want the caregiver and she wasn't being friendly. We don't know if people will want to stop coming over with her attitude. Does anyone else have a similar situation? Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help our mother to understand we need to get out and will be back soon? And how to help her to be nice to caregiver? Thank you
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With advanced dementia your mom is unable to understand other people's needs. She is unable to understand that you need to get away and that you'll be back.
You have no control over how she behaves toward the caregiver. Are these caregivers friends or family? You said you were concerned about people wanting to stop coming over because of your mom's attitude. If you're hiring professional caregivers don't worry about them, they're used to difficult clients. That's their job.
That your mom isn't friendly with the caregivers isn't a problem. If your mom threw things at the caregivers or spit on them or screamed at them the entire time, that would be a problem. But unfriendly? That's not a big deal. No one expects a person with advanced dementia to be a hostess.
Keep getting out. You need to get out. It's OK to leave your mom with a caregiver and as long as you trust the caregiver you can enjoy your time away.
Good to see you back on the forum.
I think it’s too much to ask of your mom at this stage of her illness to remember what you are telling her.
Having a caretaker that you trust, that treats your mom well and is experienced with dementia is probably the best reassurance that mom will be fine. Also if your mom can see the same caretaker often she will become more comfortable with her.
Cameras do help although I see no reason to hide them. We are all on camera these days as we go about our business. I have them for my aunt and they are useful to make sure she’s up and about. That her aide is there on time etc. in your case it would hopefully help you see that your mom is fine.
If you arent familiar with Teepa Snow, do a google search and watch some of her videos. She is a master at communicating with dementia patients. You might also suggest Teepa to the caretaker for better communication between the three of you.
But expecting mom to understand may be setting your expectations too high.
Take comfort in knowing that your getting out is helpful to you and brother and mom.
You DO need respite breaks! But the thing is to make sure the caregivers have the skills and understanding they need for the situation. What sort of caregivers are you hiring? Are they trained?
Yes, you need to get out and will need caregiver for mom. Just like when your kids were young, tell her you are going out, when you will be back, without any sort of explanation, and just go!
How old are your kids? Are you burnt out? Do you get easily frustrated? Are kids angry with the situation? Maybe it is time for mom to have 24/7 in a facility where she will get care she needs, you will be a daughter again, and your children will get you back.