Mom's SCARY eyes! Anyone else experience this?

Old peoples eyes dry out quickly, have you tried eye drops? Consider 94, what life might be like for her. She may be a different human being than the one you remember during her vibrant years, she may have fears and thoughts she is unable to express, she may have Alzheimers . Bless you for taking care of your mom. She won't be around much longer...give her love and gentle caring regardless of what you feel may be hostility behind those eyes. If you do that, you will have no regrets, but believe me, she feels your weariness, your anger, your resentment. She is in a position of total vulnerability. Don't know where you live, but you might contact your local office of aging, churches, senior centers to see if you could find someone to relieve you at least once a week. It's important.

My 70 year old dad with dementia also gets crazy eyes, usually when the dementia is pretty bad. It's those times when he's the most agitated. I've only noticed them since he's been diagnosed and it's always the same circumstances.

Both my mom and dad watch my every move. It can be unsettling. And lately mom had gotten in the habit of intense wide eyed stare after asking a question or telling me something. Almost as if to say...can you fix this. I am an advance practice nurse and I believe that the stare is a sort of plead for me to fix things. It can aggrevate me and breaks my heart at the same time. Because I cannot fix dad's dementia, their aging, Mom's debilitating neck arthritis and the horrific pain associated with it. I believe that as we age if our health declines, dementia or other issue rear their ugly heads....our world's shrink. I believe that dad's mental decline has trapped him sort of in himself...as his abilities slip away I feel like he watches (me in particular) to hang on to reality, to keep hold of what is in his world. He has mom and I and that is what he clings to. He does not like to have us out of his site, becomes fearful. Recently, he said (in a very lucid moment) "when I can see you or mom, I know I am ok. I know it bugs you sometimes, but you have to know that I am scared to slip away and being able to watch you and mom and know you are here, means I am still here...that I am ok. I am ashamed of not being the man that was your dad, of clinging to you with my gaze (he actually used those exact words). Thank you, for loving mom & me. I know my watching and sometimes hateful stares must make you inpatient and angry. But you never let on. It is horribly frightening to have to cling to life by watching your own child care for and worry about you. I never wanted you to have to be burdened with us. You have given up your life and freedom for us and there is no way give back to you. Except to tell you how.much you mean to us. The sad and frightening thing is, tomorrow or tonight, I won't remember saying this and I will be angry again and staring you down. Maybe you could write this down for both of us, so you can remember that I am still the man that is your dad, even if only for 5 minutes. Don,t bother giving me a copy...my damned old eyes can't read it"
I did write it down...word for word. Later that dad he was staring me down again. I went into the bathroom, pulled the piece of paper out of my pocket and read what he had said to me. I carry that paper with me and it is already flimsy and worn from me pulling it out and 're-reading it...when I am frustrated from the staring and watching. I AM SOOOO thankful for the moment of clarity that dad had...so he could give me glimpse into how he feels in his world.
I do not know if this has anything to do with why your mom is staring, watching, and has "scary eyes". But I share this story with you because I DO NKOW how maddening the watching and staring can be and is.
I do not have human children and do not consider myself a care giver. Actually, I am a care giver, as I am a nurse. But it is an entirely different kettle of fish when you are caring for you parents and the roles.are reversed. I cannot speak for you, but I feel so much responsibility and guilt. And I think that prior to my dad's moment of lucidity, I felt that the watching and angry stare were personally directed at me....almost as if he were blaming me for where he is, his condition, his decline. I AM A SO THANKFUL for the words and love he gave me.
Your mom is blessed to have you!!!!!!
Know that she loves you and perhaps she watches and stares, partly for the same reason my dad does.
I hope that you can find someone to give you even an hour break every now and then...simply to "BE" and know that the world is ok. And that you being in this world makes the world a better place.
I will be thinking of you and sending loving, restful lite your way (stares not included :-) ...... I hope this last comment at least puts a small smile on your face.
Remember, you are doing the right thing and there are many of us here to support you!!!!!!!

*DesertRat5555* - your post about your parent's "explanation" and your comments about it have been very insightful. Thank you!

remember also that your mother's eyesight might be failing and so she stares so intensely to try to focus. Try not to internalize it so much...don't project onto her thoughts or feelings, you really don't know what she's thinking/feeling and when you are stressed, you are far more likely to imagine the worst instead of the best.

medical speaking the reason for the wide eyed stare as told by a doctor to me is that the eye muscle starts contracting for sight especially if they are taking medication for instance chemo and this usually starts about 1-2 yrs before death even though they might seem to have perfect vsion the medication makes their eye sight blurred so the person strains the eye muscle to really focus because they see image like looking under water

Desert Rat 5555: Lovely submission. My father who lived to 93 yrs, did not stare. He retained much of his mental capacity to the end so I did not have this situation. I know it must be difficult to understand their needs in such a situation. So nice that he was given the opportunity to express his understanding of your loving care. That type of expression is priceless when you are the primary caregiver each day.
Thanks for sharing it.
Elizabeth

I agree with DesertRat. My Dad's world makes less sense to him every day. His eyesight is failing. He watches every move I make because he's trying to make sense of it and stay connected. It used to bug me because he was such a nit-picking critic when he was younger. Now I don't mind because he needs the mental exercise. You need more time away, but I know that can be a challenge! Prayers to you.

For the sake of your own sanity, accept whatever your mother does as normal for her age/stage and lovingly detach your emotions. Easier said than done, of course, but this is the only thing that helps as my own 95-year-old mother stares at me whenever I'm in range. Sometimes I'm able to distract her, but apparently she finds my movements more interesting than TV. Just let it be. It's our resistance that causes the pain. Blessings.

Arrrgh, well, I agree, when I understand how afraid my mother is and how she gauges her well being by my being close, it helps me. Yet, it is still terribly hard, the stares, the sneaking up on (got to get her tic tacs), the TISSUES, the whole nine yards. I agree with Gigi, the pain is in the resistance, acceptance is the answer to all of my problems, yet, it is not easy to accept 24/7. It is striving for progress not for perfection. I would also get mom's eyes checked. My mother will say her tea is too sweet when it is too hot, in other words, sometimes you got to investigate what is what. The eye doctor may find something you are missing here.

I understand what you are referring to. My mother lives with me, she is 85 and suffers from dementia. Her eyes are the biggest part of her face, and her tonge is the strongest part of her body. They say that the elderly often become very angry, and this is part of the dementia. My mother glares at me often, she actually looks rather scary, and as though she can't stand looking at me. It's hard because the one who is closest takes all of the brunt of their anger, resentment, and hurtful words. My mother refuses to take anymore medications, so this will not be controlled. They become paranoid and think people are taking advantage of them, and don't even believe their loved ones who are very trustworthy. It is one of the hardest things, and also I am unemployed with no income, and looking for word at the age of almost 58 - GOOD LUCK, I know - but must persevere. She came from a world of a wonderful husband who did everything for her, never worked outside the home after marriage, and hence doesn't understand how things have changed so much. Her income is limited, and I am afraid of losing my home and don't know how to tell her this.
As they get older, they have lost so much weight, that their eyes become the biggest part of their bodies.

My mom was 89 and she started getting glass looking eyes. But we believe she started dementia. I took her and dad into my house took aleave from work to care for them. When she would stare I would always look at her and say I, love you Mama. Finally after weeks of this she started saying I love you to. My heart just melted. She passed Oct 2012. I miss saying those words to her. Now I'm taking care of Daddy. Tiried, wore out but I love him..

DesertRat5555, you hit the nail on the head. Everything you said was right. God bless you. Chloesgrams2012 girl, just go about your business, don't let the quilt and frustration take over. I know it can. But please do try to find someone to relieve you for even an hour or so, it will help.

DesertRat.....Your answer has been helpful to so many and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for putting it in writing. Your memory of your dad's moment of clarity where he shared such a loving message brought tears to my eyes but also helped me to be able to see my 90 year old mother's idiosyncracies in a slightly less aggravating light. Thank you very much for sharing this intimate but oh so helpful moment with the masses.....bless you....

Yes, thank you for sharing DesertRat, these posts have brought tears; my 91 year old mom can't see and she looks so angry and scary, it helps to understand.

Dear Cloe, I understand completely what you are talking about. Over the past year, my mom's went from shining to dull and she has such a look in them that both breaks my heart and scares me sometimes. It reminds me an animal that is scared and then it turns into a look like she is mad at the world and that stare truly makes my skin crawl and I want to hug her and make it go away. The eye dr says it is just her age but when I look into them, I feel like someone else is trying to get out. Like she is trapped inside her body. Hold her tight. Love her and it hurts to see mom like this but it is something we have to accept. My best days with her are when the twinkle is in them but those days are getting further apart. Be blessed...

Desertrat, Thank you so much for sharing that insight. Frankly that is probably the most interesting and helpful thing I have read ever! I will try to keep those words with me. I had noticed my mother doing the scary eye thing with a horrible look before and felt rejection myself wondering if the efforts I put forth were really worth it if she hated me so much to look at me like that. Fleeting of course , but now I understand. Thank YOU!

I am not sure what you mean by "scary eyes". What may be happening is the muscles of her eyes are starting to not work (which goes along with dementia), and the blinking reflex is diminishing. She may not be able to close them very often, but I don't understand why you are so frustrated by this action? She may be actually asleep, and you think she is staring at you. Time for respite for you!

Check the meds, the side effects, and the common effects of all her drugs and otc meds.
"Scary eyes" may be a form of mental illness. This patient should see a doctor right away.

Ask the doctor - he/she should be able to tell you.

This has been one of the most frustrating parts of caregiving for me. The constant staring and following me around. My mother watches my every move and I have been struggling with this for about a year because it just drive me bonkers! Thank you Desert for sharing your Fathers moment of lucidity.

Hear this look all I can say is my mother only did that a little sometimes for 10 min straight but only cause she was on a medication the Doctor thinks will help her. Most medication can do that depends . My mother does best of all without any Meds. But then again she needs to be on something cause her mental condition with dementia do to really Valley Fever. Just trying to help here. Have to have her NOT on to MANY Meds. Only one should be enough. I think. Because i researched this and Dr.s Are NOT GOD! So I been with my mother MOST my life so I think I know her better than anyone else than Dr's. I'ts just that simple! I use me best Judgment for her. So I really don't know if your Mother is on any Medications really so can't say about her condition. Hope this helps! Hugs! to YOU!

DesertRat - awesome post!

Desert and starfly-Amazing stories, thank you for sharing. starfly, I do the same thing telling Mom I love her. Mom cannot talk but she sure can say I Love You and Year Dear and a very few other words I can make out. I read her by her facial expressions. Desert-I hope you do not mind but I am going to copy part what your dad said, type it up and frame it so my cna's that help me and company will see it when they visit. I have all the alz poems on the walls and in my bathroom so people will NOT EVER loose their patience with Mom! If anyone gets impatient, they are out the door. Takes me 2 hours to feed mom and 2 hours to bathe here and after a 2 hour nap (if I am lucky) its time to feed again. Mom can read our feelings just as we can when someone is feeling stressed. I just know that she is so scared and lost in her own little world. Just holding her hand or hugging off and on all day means the world to her! I try and imagine myself blind and deaf and confused to think of how this dementia may feel-how would I feel? Did we ever wake up from a nap in the daytime, on a rare occasion that we might have been sick or something, and we wake up confused for a few seconds? Imagine feeling like that all day. how awful. Touching and feeling and kind words are the best love ever. Each night when I tuck Mom into bed, I sing her a song about her, using words about how she is the best mom in the world, and things she did for me as a mother. Then I say "Mom I am staying ALL night tonight so just bang on the wall or yell if you need me." She can only smile now with those words but she used to say "oh that makes me feel SOOOO Good!"
Thank you again for sharing, we are in this together and I do believe "we get what we give."

My Mom stares sometimes, but not scary, yet. They are sunken in, but not dry. They water a lot but that might be allergies. I have a nice lady come out once a week for 4 hours from Catholic Charities and it costs me nothing. The government has cut back on their money, but it's still free. Ferris, I guess you have to be there. Don't judge. It will get you further.
Hugs to everyone.

When I first saw this I thought of something else. My mom gets extremely angry when we move her from one place to another (chair to toilet to bed etc.) Sometimes she makes this grimacing/threatening face that reminds me of the Joker in Batman. She laughs this maniacal laugh and grabs, squeezes, or shakes us. It is scary/funny/sad all at the same time. Sometimes my mom stares at me too, especially when I am feeding her. I try to think of something to say, not always easy. I try to think of something that I would have said to her in the past or something that we would have talked about before the ALZ. I try to use distraction or going along with her ("yes ma'am you're right, or I'm sorry I won't do that again") to change her direction or attention. As for the person who couldn't get the mom to take any medication, we crush the pills and I put some whipped cream on a spoon add the crushed meds, a little more whipped cream and mom almost always accepts it. Sometimes I put it on a little ice cream. xxoo

Thanks to everyone for their kind words and responses. It has really helped me out a lot. It is not just me that notices her eyes. My husband and my daughter, who is a caregiver, PA, also see what I am talking about. My guess is that it is the dementia kicking in. No medicines have changed for years, so pretty sure that wouldn't be it, because she only takes a couple pills and nothing potent. I am trying to make the best of the situation, but it is a glare, and also kind of like someone else in there trying to get out. Put it this way, she is not asleep, she would be afraid she would miss something! LOL! It is like Mom's body, but she is not in it. It is so sad, but everyone has helped me out lots and I really appreciate it so much. Oh, I have to add this one, she had cataracts removed from her eyes many years ago and implants were put in. Her last hospital stay she just quit wearing her glasses. She was in her rocker looking out the kitchen window and way up in a tree were 2 little goldfinches. She really got excited about the little yellow birds and was the one that showed them to me. So evidently her eyesight is still there, just the glare that I am assuming cannot be helped. We will survive! I take the best care of her that I possibly can, other than being confined to home all the time. Maybe one of these days, someone will come along to relieve me for a little bit. Again, thanks for all the comments and help. Glad to see I am not the only one experiencing this.

Something wrong with the implants perhaps?

Dessertrat55555's answer was a wonderful insight into a person w/Dementia's perspective. Just a suggestion....would having some books on tape and music that your mother likes give her mind something else to fixate on?? Maybe some exercises while sitting just to give her something to do besides stare. Has she started any new medicine(s) that could be drying to the eyes or making her thinking foggy?? Is she drinking enough water to stay hydrated?? Seniors can get dehydrated very easily. Just some thoughts.

Such great answers!

Include, [maybe I missed it in other posts?]:
==elders can get pretty dehydrated, which can contribute to the eyes looking more sunken; the muscles can waste a bit more, which also contributes to a more sunken-eyed look.
==When body systems aren't working optimally [this can happen related to what one consumes, or even sleep patterns, too--and any age], it can change the way eye muscles can or not, focus on what they are trying to see.
==Sometimes, staring in peculiar ways, helps get the eyes to focus enough to see something or someone.
==Sometimes, that look can be paranoia related to dementias or other ills.
==Sometimes, the elder has been mentally snatched into an altered state, remembering something for a bit.

Any or all of the above, can make that scarey glassy stare.
What might happen if you responded with something like:
"I love you" or, "It's going to be OK". ?