Mom's Memory Care Director says her roommate has a right to have her male friend lying on her bed constantly. What can we do?

Good heavens, I hate to think he may be trying to "force himself on her." Sorry, that thought creeps me out.

So happy it turned out well good lesson for all to step up and fight for the rights of our loved ones

THANKS FOR THE UPDATE. .... I WAS WORRIED. .....M88

Good news! I hope no one will be getting in bed with her.

So happy to hear the news. Congratulations on being a great caregiver!

Great! Surprised ur paying that much for a shared room. Here in a AL, u get a private room for that much.

Good for you!

Update: Mom has been in her new room with a new roommate for 3 nights now and so far, so good. We requested a credit for the 7 days we had to keep her safe at home. Yes, we private pay 5K+ each month. Thanks for so much encouragement and support!

I understand that but they also have to answer to the owners and/or stockholders who have only one thing on the mind and that's money!

Tacy most nursing homes have waiting lists so unless these are private pay clients the admins don't have any fear of loosing money. if these two go they will have their beds filled by another warm body within hours.

I agree with Terry 1000000000%.

Personally, I think the Memory Care Director is so afraid of losing a client that they collect money from, they are allowing this man to lay in her bed even though that isn't his room. This should not be happening!! Also, they are married to other people and their spouses should be told about this immediately so they can help convince the woman/man that this is not the thing to do in a hospital room with another roommate in the same room! Again, this is NOT a romantic trip down memory lane. They are MARRIED to other people and for whatever reason he wants/needs to lay in her bed and the woman needs/wants him to lay in bed with her, they should not be including the other roommate. If it is ok with their spouses, whatever room the man is coming from, he should give up his bed and be a roommate with the woman and move the woman into another room with another female. If they are near the end of life, let them go at it like rabbits if that is what they want but get the other woman into another room so she won't have to witness the event. The director is so afraid of losing money, she is willing to let them do anything just to keep them. If she won't do her job, someone should go over her head and contact her supervisor or go to their supervisor and get something done now. If he is making threats against the roommate, there's no telling what he'll do; rape, abuse, etc. and then what will the lawsuit be like with all that in there? The daughter should spend the night with her mother until she gets her moved into another room so as to not let anything happen that shouldn't be happening.

The whole ordeal of having your mom in a place, and then to boot having to deal with stupidity is extremely annoying. Take action immediately, as you, the caregiver are worried sick all the time......INSTEAD OF BEING A PLACE TO LIVE, REST AND THRIVE, now these people in her own room are pests. I agree with the comment about telling the ombudsman in no uncertain terms, you will not tolerate such conditions indefinitely. Receive a hug from me and hang tight.

I think if there are any problems whatsoever and there are enough complaints, something will probably have to be done. For right now I really wouldn't worry too much about it now that you know what's really going on, but definitely keep your eyes and ears open for now

So happy to hear you took the bull by the horns. Let us know how things turn out for mom, hope for the best.

How about demanding that the bathroom door be fixed for starters that can't offend anyone.

When i was in the hospital I hated having a room mate and wished they would find someone unconscious. Well I got my wish and was I sorry. They wheeled in a 95 year old who was trying her best to die and her family who were trying their best not to let her.They were insisting that she be given drugs to raise her blood pressure which was done. Finally it was agreed she be moved to ICU but they had to wait for a bed. She was brought in at 1 am which was bad enough and it was 3 am before she was moved. All the time family members kept assembling and talking loudly in their native tongue. The patient never made a sound.

Just Move your Mom. Be done. They will have issues with the next roommate, and then they will have to make other arrangements. Ask the "Director" about the prospective next roommate having the same issues.... Ew...... What are they not thinking? It would be awkward, don't they see this? Or is the director done trying to figure it out? Just move roommate and boyfriend n together.

I posted before I saw your reply, hope it all works out for you! I cannot believe anyone would find this acceptable.

"Threatens"? That is unacceptable, period. Contact the ombudsman and demand to speak to whoever is in charge immediately. Inform that person that unless the situation is resolved immediately you will be contacting an attorney or elder care advocate and that the next time you feel threatened you will call the police. I'm not trying to come across as obnoxious here but I learned through bitter experience that sometimes you have to be extremely firm with these places and stand your ground. Your mother being in a situation that's merely uncomfortable is intolerable, much less being threatened. Tell them that and do not accept no for an answer.

Had it not been for each person being married to someone else, I would've suggested that to become roommates to solve the problem. However, as someone else mentioned this sounds like it may be a therapeutic friendship

Glad to hear you have been urged to get some outside help. This is certainly a situation that can be modified and still keep everyone happy.Okay, if the management feels this is a therapeutic friendship then they should provide a way that your mother does not have to be involved.These relationships are not unheard of and I think you are not looking to stop it. You just want to remove Mom from an uncomfortable situation and allow her the privacy that she has paid for.

You mean that both of these "lovebirds" is married? This reminds me of Sandra Day O'Connor's husband who has/had dementia. when he entered Memory Care, he almost immediately established a loving relationship with another woman in the facility. Justice O'Connor just ran with it; it was what made him happy.

Is your mother upset by the presence of this other person lying on the bed?

Thanks for your input 1rare find. But no, this couple walks around holding hands. The woman is very agitated when staff keeps them apart in the shared room. Another reason I don't want Mom to be perceived as the reason for the separation. When I visit now the roommate says to me "why cant we all get along." My Mom doesn't have a clue, & our family never engages with the roommate-only polite smiles. The former roommate had no family to speak for her safety/privacy. They are allowed to hold hands and always eat together. He does not get into other beds, but does wander in and out of rooms. There is reported tension when the spouses visit.

OK, now that we know what's really going on, are you sure that maybe the visiting man may not be confusing this other room as his own? Sometimes people in memory care can get confused and go into the wrong room and pick up something they think is theirs, leaving the rightful owner to wonder what happened to the item. You just reminded me that this is why some facilities actually put up a little belt or caution strip across the door of the room they're trying to keep a confused person out of. You just reminded me that I used to see this in a facility where I used to visit people, and someone told me why the bright yellow tape was up across the door

Sometimes you must be very discreet about photos and videos for your own personal safety. In fact I'll give you one perfect example why:

I recently saw a very sad YouTube video about a disabled veteran who was harassed by a cop just because he parked in the handicap parking when he was legally entitled to park there. The disabled veteran was recording, and the cop actually coldcocked him, knocking the device right out of his hand and cracking the screen. This was all caught on video and uploaded to YouTube. There have been other sad stories where people in authority have intimidated citizens into turning off their devices because the citizen was recording a crime committed by the people in authority. This is exactly why you must sometimes use discretion for your own safety.

Clarifications/Updates Re: Safety & Privacy from Roommate's Male Friend in Memory Care. The roommate's male friend is also in Memory Care & resides across the hall. He is constantly in the roommate's bed or in her easy chair directly in front of the shared bathroom which has a heavy, difficult to close pocket door that stays open. Mom has no privacy when toileting or dressing. Also, the roommate has been escorted from the gentleman's bed during the night. I don't know what they do in bed. Both are married to other people which adds another layer of possible danger for Mom. Because of so much support from this forum, I have continued to document and e mail so now the director has said he is pursuing solutions other than a private room for Mom. Council on Aging Ombudsman and DHH Inspectors are scheduling visits after my formal complaint. The RN inspector said that if the director doesn't understand now, he will after her visit. Thanks for the support.

Hey, now there's an idea! I really like the idea of mentioning having visitors visit in the lounge and not back in the rooms (if there happens to be a problem with it). I think this should be encouraged with this male "friend". That way, there's supervision as to what's going on

Having a room of her own may not be an option. Medicaid most of the time only covers a shared room. Asking for a change may be the only option.

Yes, your mothers room mate has a right to have a male friend lying on her bed within reason, staff will distract the other person as much as they can. However, the room mate does not have the the right to be rude to visitors. I would suggest you find another part of the rest home to have a visit visit with your mother, another lounge area perhaps? Also, if you are not happy with her having this room mate, maybe the only answer is to get her moved to her own room. I hope this helps, Arlene Hutcheon

Ferris1, no one is trying to deny the roommate a last fling. Yes, it is healthy if it is a private room where they can do as they wish without imposing on the other roommate. This woman's mother has the right to live in her room without the other woman's boyfriend lying in the bed watching all that is going on in the room. The woman with the boyfriend should get a private room and it's no one's business what they do. But that's not the problem here. The problem is this woman is making her mother share in her decision of having the man share her bed while she is in her own bed. What if he decides to climb in bed with her mother some night and no one is awake? If she doesn't want the man in her room, she shouldn't be made to accept it just because the other roommate wants company.