Mom's Memory Care Director says her roommate has a right to have her male friend lying on her bed constantly. What can we do? -

Mom's Memory Care Director says her roommate has a right to have her male friend lying on her bed constantly. What can we do?


Staff escorts him out, but he returns immediately.
Also, the roommate threatened me & Mom. The director says we have the issue and should pay for a private room or wait for another suite availability. What can we do?

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Yes, the ombudsman. This person is your representative. The fact that he threatened you and your mother makes this unacceptable.
Good luck,
Helpful Answer (0)

This is an absurd situation.. I would not stand for it...You said the staff escorts him out and he returns immediately...If he sat on a chair, rather than lying on the bed, it would be bad enough. If he stays past visiting hours that would be an additional no no.

I would go to the administrator first, not after going through channels. This is a "raise hell" issue.

Grace + Peace,

Helpful Answer (10)

Your mother has a right not to be threatened. I agree with Glad; research to find out which agency is in charge of licensing and contact them.

Also: DOCUMENT, everything...threats, times when the guy is laying there on the bed. Might not be a bad idea to take photos if you can do so discreetly as you wouldn't want either of the two lovebirds to take out their anger on your mother.

I also would go beyond the director of the Memory Unit, all the way up to the nursing home administrator.

Good luck with your efforts.
Helpful Answer (9)

I would go to the ombudsman as well.
Helpful Answer (9)

Is the male friend another resident?
Do they do anything that third parties might find offensive.
If security escorted him out and he immediately returned clearly the Memory care unit does not find it acceptable.
Perhaps it is time for the police to be called especially because you and Mom have been threatened.
Mom or her room mate should be moved.
It is inappropriate to ask Mom to pay for a single room. Maybe it is the room mate who should do that
Helpful Answer (9)

Clarifications/Updates Re: Safety & Privacy from Roommate's Male Friend in Memory Care. The roommate's male friend is also in Memory Care & resides across the hall. He is constantly in the roommate's bed or in her easy chair directly in front of the shared bathroom which has a heavy, difficult to close pocket door that stays open. Mom has no privacy when toileting or dressing. Also, the roommate has been escorted from the gentleman's bed during the night. I don't know what they do in bed. Both are married to other people which adds another layer of possible danger for Mom. Because of so much support from this forum, I have continued to document and e mail so now the director has said he is pursuing solutions other than a private room for Mom. Council on Aging Ombudsman and DHH Inspectors are scheduling visits after my formal complaint. The RN inspector said that if the director doesn't understand now, he will after her visit. Thanks for the support.
Helpful Answer (8)

And you reach the ombudsman through the Area Agency on Aging.
Helpful Answer (7)

I wouldn't be discreet about photos or documentation. Best disinfectant is sunlight.
Helpful Answer (6)

I am a little curious about what the man and the roommate do in the bed. Are they cuddling? Are they performing sexual acts? Does he use the bed because the roommate is in the chair and there is no where else to sit? What exactly is it that is bothering your Mom--does she not like him or does she just think it is improper or does she just not like having a visitor in the room all the time? Until this is resolved can you or the staff get your mom out of the room more often and into activities so that she is distracted from it? The more we know about your mom's objections the easier it might be to brainstorm around a solution.
Helpful Answer (6)

What state department licenses this place? Department of Health? Once yoy find out file a complaint. The facility should have a document readily available for you to read of past problems and issues there.
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