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Moms is in late stages of ALZ but still highly functioning in many areas, she just got a new roommate who is an invalid and has full-time aides; this lady moans, spit across the room, hits and screams 24/7. My mom is normally all smiles and happy go lucky. Not any more; she's crying daily, she doesn't understand all the noise, isn't getting any sleep and is a stark contrast to who she was the day before this lady moved in. I understand there's an adjustment period but is this normal procedure to 1. have a patient share a room with someone at the other end of the spectrum? 2. have a patient requiring 24/7 aides to share a room with my mom? and shouldn't they be paying 2/3 of the rent then since there's 3 people in the room 24/7? I understand the lady needs care but, I feel like it's to my mom's detriment; I had her at my house 8 hours yesterday and she didn't want to go back to the MCF. My mom has never done this before. Any suggestions on how to address this?

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This is clearly not a roommate that’s appropriate for your mom. You’re her advocate and she’s a paying customer where she lives, she deserves to have rest and peace. Time to go to administration and adamantly tell them this isn’t working and must be changed.
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Can you ask that the roommate be moved to another room? She’s making your mom miserable. I’m so sorry your mom is in this situation. Hugs!
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Floridagirl6 Jan 2020
Thanks NeedHelpWithMom! I know when I go in she's likely going to be in tears again! I'm dreading seeing her like that but I can't avoid her because she's sad, upset, confused and getting depressed ; I know that's when she needs me most. I asked the Director how this pairing came about and what was going on, apparently, she's waiting for a private room, but who know how long that may take. What else can I really do?
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Thanks! and I agree this roommate is not appropriate for my mom. I spoke with Director briefly yesterday, he said the lady was waiting for her own room but in the meantime you're exactly right, my mom is miserable ;( They are going to try and get the new roomie to sleep (i'm thinking RX) but that process could take days I not weeks for patient to see dr, to get RX and for it to kick in her system) What else can I say? Or do?
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RedVanAnnie Jan 2020
No only is the roommate's behavior intolerable, but it's not right to have 3 people in the room. Good to know the facility is intending to move roommate to a more appropriate room, but even the temporary situation is unacceptable. I can't imagine what you should do in the meantime. We will be watching for your updates.
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This happened to us more than once when my mom was in a skilled nursing facility.
If she “just” got the troublesome new roommate it will probably serve you to document EVERYTHING in a notebook (or on your phone?).
Report a “potential” concern about your mother’s discomfort to nurse/floor admin./social services- find out who is responsible for your mother’s floor.
Try as much as you can to state the problems WITHOUT becoming emotional about your poor mother’s plight. Your case is much stronger by saying what you (and staff) can observe and describe the two other people doing rather than describe what it’s doing to your mother, at least initially.
Be “water on stone”, politely and quietly but firmly. If necessary describe how comfortable/contented/happy your mother was before the newcomerS arrived.
If you’re told that the staff is “working on a solution” as if there’s a timeframe.
Only ONCE in 5 1/2 years did I have to write a detailed letter about this kind of problem, copies to floor admin and facility admin, and the problem WAS solved.
You are a good daughter, and your mother’s comfort IS your business and IS important.
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Floridagirl6 Jan 2020
Thank you!
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I think it is unfair of a facility to have someone with full time help living in in such close quarters. You need to speak with them. The woman needing that kind of safety care needs also her own room. This would be TORTURE to see and endure. Please call in an ombudsman if you need to. Oop. Just say your update that this woman is on waiting list for private room. I think it should be clear that there is a limit on this wait. Because I think they may be rare in this environment. Do keep on them. Meanwhile you may have not a lot of choice but to endure.
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Floridagirl6 Jan 2020
Thank you AlvaDeer! I can't be in the room for more than a few minutes myself. After dropping her off last night, I almost went to Walmart and bought an air mattress and took it down to the MCF and was thinking I'd set it up and stay with her in the living room once other residents (most of them) have gone to bed. But I don't want to create further issues or inconvenience anyone (especially, mom just for mom to get some sleep) and always I try and sleep on ideas (that can ultimately have consequences I can't control/handle) - for example, some nights people walk through hallways (due to their situation) and scream and make lots of noise. So maybe, we won't get sleep. Like you said... I may just have to endure but, I'm always open to suggestions!! Thank You!
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Augh.... I agree that this is a disservice to your mom and the roommate needs to be removed ASAP. I'd think a home should make an effort to pair similar types of people. Surely they'd know someone like the roommate would be agitating. Could record the actions with a cell phone (as in not a concealed camera, not to "bust" anyone, just to show the Director what's happening).

My grandmother's insurance would only do nursing home care post-rehab after breaking her hip. Mentally she was very much intact (but very anxious, which she'd been her whole life). At first, she had a pleasant roommate with the same situation, mentally fine but needing some care before going home. They kept each other company. Alas, roommate went home after a few weeks, and a new one was brought in.

All day and night, this woman talked. She never. stopped. talking. And it was pretty much the same thing on a loop, in a flat tone: "This is my room... in case you didn't know, this is my room....you're in my room.... I'm going to call Bill (her deceased husband) and tell him you're in my room.... this is my room...". It was enough to make us insane while just visiting and grandma's hands were shaky from nerves. My mother had to get the director to switch her out.
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worriedinCali Jan 2020
the OP is in a 2 party consent state so it would be illegal to record audio of the roommate and/her aid without consent. It makes absolutely no difference if it’s just audio.
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You need to request a different room. My sister and I has this problem with one roommate my mother had, and we were able to get her moved. In fact, the two of us, independently, came to the conclusion that another person alone in her room would be an excellent match. The other woman in the new room was happy to have someone sharing the room, and the staff also thought this was a good match.

If you initiate the process, you can have the situation changed for the better as soon as feasible.
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You need to request a different room. My sister and I has this problem with one roommate my mother had, and we were able to get her moved. In fact, the two of us, independently, came to the conclusion that another person alone in her room would be an excellent match. The other woman in the new room was happy to have someone sharing the room, and the staff also thought this was a good match.

If you initiate the process, you can have the situation changed for the better as soon as feasible.
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You need to request a different room. My sister and I has this problem with one roommate my mother had, and we were able to get her moved. In fact, the two of us, independently, came to the conclusion that another person alone in her room would be an excellent match. The other woman in the new room was happy to have someone sharing the room, and the staff also thought this was a good match.

If you initiate the process, you can have the situation changed for the better as soon as feasible.
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I would caution against recording the roommate on your phone as it might raise privacy red flags and issues. I suspect the staff are already well aware of the roommate's behaviors. Sounds like a sit-down with the Director is in order to find a solution (room change?). Good luck!
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Hello,

I am sorry this is happening. First, file a complaint with the facility. The social worker there should be able to consult with you. Second, contact the regional Ombudsmsan that represents the location where the facility is located. This person can assist with advocating and providing information. Third, you can always contact the department of health in the state the facility is located.

If this was my family member, I would ask that the new roommate be moved to a different room. If they do not assist, I would look for another facility.
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As a retired nursing Clinical Staff home employee of 27 years..this in unacceptable. I would see the administrator and if that does not affect change I would call your State agency that regulates the MCF facility. File a formal complaint with them. They have to investigate complaints. I also would not record anything but I did have a friend in NYS that did and was able to prove what was going on her moms room..
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I too have a similar (not exactly) situation with my sister in a lovely 6 bed Care Home. A new resident arrived 2 months ago, and both sister and newbie have their own rooms. "Joan" arrived grumpy, unfriendly and pushed my feeble sister
while she was standing by the Xmas tree. No injuries but now feared Joan. Assuming adjustment still in progress, Joan reached over table and ripped up my sister's art work, her passion. After sending a "water on stone" (nice) EM to owner, his manager(lovely, sincere) called me immediately. They were well aware of Joan's behavior and Joan's family was dragging their feet with getting Joan evaluated. (No surprise!) The "office visit" became a "skype visit from her room with Valium given hours before visit.(new RX). BTW- I asked the manager
if they knew why Joan left her prior facility. "We didn't ask." BTW, other residents also feel fear... per family members. Skype and Valium? Bizarre!
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Floridagirl6 Jan 2020
Oh my goodness!!! I'm so sorry about your sister!!! They told me they didn't fully know the patients condition but, SERIOUSLY???? How can that be; I remember all those questions and paperwork; they had to have some idea. What did you/are you doing about it? Thanks
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My husband Was in a dangerous situation. I went to admissions. Problem solved in hours. There was serious medical issue with head nurse refusing to listen. Again I went to admissions. They called director of nursing. We hadv a sit down. Again resolved fairly shortly. Never received apology I asked for but Dr. Alerted and problem solved. If this doesn't work. Try ombudsmen
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Floridagirl6 Jan 2020
Thanks! Good info to have.
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Talks to the administration. You mom's new roommate is negatively impacting her. Mom deserves to be able to get some sleep and peace of mind - even with advances ALZ. It may be that your mom's room was the only one available.
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Floridagirl6 Jan 2020
I did and she was, the lady is awaiting her own room.... but, how long could that take? it could be today or in weeks, I just don't know. So they are working on addressing the patient and getting her to sleep through the night, that only takes care of 8 hours though; nonetheless, they are making some adjustments. It's limbo.
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This is beyond unacceptable. That lady is out, or your mom is out but it stops immediately, like in 48 hours. Talk to the admin, get some guidance from your long term care ombudsman. Your mom deserves to be at peace for her well-being and life as well considering this is not a free ride. My guess is they thought your mom or you would be a pushover and not complain. HA! I feel for the family of the spitter, but nope, not with my mother...
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Floridagirl6 Jan 2020
I agree with every word you wrote. Thank you gdaughter!
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I would call the ombudsman. You have a director that knows it is making your mom miserable but we had to jump on a private room customer or lose out. NOT acceptable to make mom miserable so they can charge more for a very disruptive resident.

I would tell no one, you gave them a chance to fix their wrong. Now you call in the authorities that can get this fixed. Oh and don't accept mom being moved as a solution. She is entitled to a safe environment and they have knowingly and willingly taken that away from her.

They can't deny knowing that she was a problem, she came with fulltime aides. That says it all.

Stand your ground and protect your mom and her rights. Be nice and smile when you are dealing with them, but keep them on the path of a move and not at some unknown future time.
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Floridagirl6 Jan 2020
If I contacted the ombudsman, how long would it take them to find out and what if any impact could that have on my mom?
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And not to mention, it's flu season...even when not...spitting? Biohazard. Plus these other outsiders in the room in close proximity too. If you can't stand being there I can only imagine how your mom feels. And I really feel for those aides. Saying a prayer for them and their patience...
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Floridagirl6 Jan 2020
I know it crazy.... Thank you!
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I’d demand my LO be moved. Nursing home put my LO in a room with a lady who didn’t speak English, and all she did was make moaning noises all day long. I went to Social Worker, and said this is unacceptable. My LO has dementia, and pretty much watches a lot of TV. There was so much noise with the moaning that she couldn’t even hear the TV.
She was moved the following day, and has an absolutely wonderful roommate now.
Sounds mean but I think they should put someone who’s hard of hearing in rooms with those that make a lot of moaning noise etc.
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Floridagirl6 Jan 2020
Thanks for the great thoughts! I agree they should try and pair people accordingly, I'm not defending the MCF, but from what I understand, they were not aware of how severe the lady's condition was until she was moved in. Now they do, and should make adjustments when needed. Thank you!
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I had the caregiver that we had at my mother's house to come 4 hours per day when she had to go to the nursing home but my mother was blind. Actually, she ended up keeping an eye on the other patient by just being there but if your Mom's roommate can afford 24/7 outside care in a nursing home, why can't she afford a private room?? That's interesting. I may have misunderstood. I agree with another person on here in that you really should contact the Ombudsman's office. The Ombudsman is the go-between person. She/he could most likely get this solved with the Administrator faster than you can.
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Bjwalters Jan 2020
Often full time care has to be provided by nursing home if patient danger to themselves. You do not have to pay for it
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Would it be possible for you to give your mother a pair of foam earplugs so at least it would cut down on what she does hear (as a short-term solution)?
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Floridagirl6 Jan 2020
Great idea! Thank you.
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Even if your mother was happy & adjusted at her facility, if you BRING HER HOME, then expect to KEEP HER HOME. She will never want to go back ANYWHERE once you make the mistake of bringing her home.
You should have went to administration & requested a room change...the other woman should have private room since she’s disturbing your mother. If it’s memory care, & she’s violent & abusive, they probably will suggest taking her to psych hospital for medication adjustment...& I bet they don’t take her back...that facility can’t handle her & they most likely made her getting private aides as an ultimatum for staying....but how long will private aides take abuse?
My mother’s abusive, too & it’s managed w medication. When she was in SNF, there were others there like her...
good luck & hugs 🤗
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Floridagirl6 Jan 2020
Please let me clarify: I bring mom to my house, the park, her friends for lunch (2-10 hours- completely dictated by mom) on a regular basis (3-5x weekly). I know it doesn't work for everyone but, Mom and I enjoy our time and always have (and it gets me and more importantly, Mom out of her MCF for a little while), I know the day will come when it won't be feasible for her to leave due to her illness; until then, I intend to continue taking her out. This was the 1st time she had expressed she didn't want to go back in there because of her roommate and I'm sure a host of other reasons.
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Maybe the disruptive roommate can afford a private room, but there is not one available yet. In that case the facility should have put that woman on a waiting list, not let her move into someone else's room, but the facility was probably rage to lock in the money.
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Please speak to the Ombudsman now.
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DiamondAngel14 Jan 2020
they are useless...
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Please keep us updated as to what you do. This situation is unacceptable. The squeaky wheel gets the grease, so get squeaky to advocate for your mother.

Good luck!
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I believe this to be unacceptable and you should firmly speak to management about this. I don't believe there is a point to discussing the payment of the room since the aides for the other resident are employed at all times spent in the room. They are not in residence there but rather employed. I do see how this is not at all beneficial and hope you are able to have a room change quickly.
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Floridagirl6 Jan 2020
Completely agree with you Riverdale. Good point on the room payment non-issue. LOL Thank You!
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I dont think your mom should be the one to have to move rooms. The nh should move the roommate since she is the problem.
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Isthisrealyreal Jan 2020
I absolutely agree, further disruption would be cause for me to find a new facility.
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Tell the NH either mover her to a different room or you are taking her home PERMANTLY or at least till you find another NH.
Dont leave her there, that is abuse! Would you want to be there?

PS When you take her home hire girls with the money the NH was getting to sit with your mom to give you a break. Also the state will help too.

Also if your dad was a vet the vet admin will help pay for in home care, on yop of what the state helps you with....i like adult day centers too.

Dont ask me my opinion of nursing homes or my comment will be deleted by the mods!
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Riverdale Feb 2020
Doubtful any want any of your opinions! Sure it would be great if we could stomp our feet and get our way but that is what 2 year olds do. You have no clue as to if this is a veteran situation. Do you think it is easy to just remove a resident,take on that responsibility at home,expect the NH to happily accept that and keep the room until all ideal situations have been solved.

And who are these girls? Perfectly suitable ones who happen to be just the right able bodied caretakers that are simply waiting to be hired. Are you aware that often many caretakers who are hired for home care do not necessarily always work out and it can be a process. And finally the state will help out. Just like that. Call up the state and say I need help for my mother who is now home from a NH. Please send me money ASAP. It must be great to live in your world of magical thinking!!
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UPDATE on Mom's disruptive roommate situation: I did speak with the Director last week to discuss this situation. I came out of the meeting with 2 things: 1- The lady will be getting her own room when one becomes available 2- They were going to try and get her roommate to sleep through the night. For last 2 days new roomie has seemed more sedated at night (at least, my moms getting some sleep again) so that has helped. Mom's been in a little bit better mood but still has her moments of sadness/frustration with these recent changes she's going through. Today we were told moms new roommate will be moving to her own room on Friday so we'll see what happens. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and saying a few prayers. Thanks to everyone who responded to my issue. I will continue to update this story.
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worriedinCali Jan 2020
That is good news. Thanks for updating us! Fingers crossed moms roommate sleeps at night, at least until Friday!!!!
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If you talk nicely to the home's upper management she can be moved to a room more suitable for her. Don't be afraid to ask anything !!! We moved my brother 4 times in 2 months to find the right fit. Best wishes
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