Follow
Share

My mother came to live with us a few months after my father's death. She does have some dementia, but has always had a lot of paranoia, negativity and "extreme know it allism".

The real issue right now is her negativity. No matter the topic of conversation or the event she finds something negative to the point of bazaar. Her negativity seems to be automatic, and it is there for every subject discussed, every decision made, every purchase no matter how small there is something wrong with the item or brand, every meal, every person she meets or knows is sharply criticized ,no matter how minor or major, she seems to get some sort of sick and perverse pleasure out of ruining every possible opportunity for even the tiniest ray of sunshine.

She is driving our children and grandchildren away with her venom, spoiling every visit. I could give pages of examples in just a 24 hour period. She disagrees with every sentence out of anyone's mouth. She manages to contort everything in a way to find something negative or bad that might come from even the simplest thing.

I thought maybe I was overreacting, so I paid close attention all day today. There was not one single event or topic from 8 AM -9 PM when she went to bed that she did not figuratively dowse with ice water. I know it is not all the dementia she has a look of complete evil satisfaction every time she manages to spoil a happy moment.

It is impossible to ignore. We have all tried to look for ways to give her praise for positive behavior and make her feel needed, loved, and appreciated, she doesn't seem to enjoy positive attention half as much as ruining everyone's good mood. She is sucking the life out of everyone around her. We do know that in most situations she can still associate consequences with behavior. What reward is she finding in doing this to us? How do we discourage this? Any suggestions are appreciated.

P.S. If this is caused by depression we are in a bad position as she will under know circumstances take anti-depressant or anti-anxiety meds.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
The kind of mothers who beat their poor daughters when their father is away at work (no witnesses), thinking the girls were too young to remember it in adulthood. Thinking that they can lie their way out of it. They deny it if she goes to the ministry to try to tell someone who's in a position of authority. The scary thing is, those people often betray the young girl and side with the abusive mother. The girl gets punished for telling the truth and what does she learn? She learns to withdraw. Until adulthood. The mother thinks the girl has forgotten the long-term abuse but no she hasn't. Is it any surprise that some adult children (especially women) don't want to visit their elderly mother? I wouldn't be surprised. Don't ask me how I know these things in such detail. I'm in my 20s and I have a very good (and long memory). One good thing I guess is that such behaviors help force out the kid to become independent "on time"----no prolonged adolescence, and no "entitlement". Girls who grow up this way also tend to be more cautious in their business and personal lives ( I would know.) ...It takes one to know one. Is it wrong to want revenge? No it isn't wrong. It's not wrong at all because you've given the system many chances to correct it, and it has failed you. The best revenge one can do without sinking to their level---is to expose them for what they did and what they are. Trust me, some mothers are not worth feeling sorry for.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

They need to be punished and they need to get a taste of their own medicine. How they treated their poor daughters. I know the pain. They won't truly be sorry for what they've done until they experience it. Negative people need to be shunned and isolated. Then list out what they did to you back when they had power over you, and do it back to them. These people don't change their negative behavior and attitudes because nobody's taught them that it's wrong. Actions have consequences, even for abusive parents such as these. They should've thought about it before they abused you (their child). They think they can just get away with it, they can't. Once they've been punished, they will change their behavior and be better people.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Donna's story is a mirror of my situation. Queen of negativity/paranoia all her life. Never had friends and never wanted any -- just her family. She wants me close -- doesn't like it when I go out with friends (and I do) and doesn't like my husband. (She didn't like my first husband either). When he comes home from work she says "Here comes the intruder." I am losing patience with her and dread going home after work. I am ready to find alternative living arrangements for her before I find myself divorced at 61!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

When your own mother "hates" you, how can you begin to feel that you are not an awful person? But, you are not. Mom is the one with the problem, and Mom is the one who scapegoated and turned on her own daughter, whether out of meanness or the irrationality of dementia plus depression. No, it is good that she went, and maybe they can persuade her to be treated for the depression.

I had an experience this weekend with pulling out some very nasty thorn vines from our backyard. Ultimately, that back yard will be a garden. But those vines - thick and strong, hurtful, tenacious and treacherous, you could hardly tell which end was the root and which was the shoot going up to the tops of the trees, where they grew leaves and blotted out the sun from them. Once they were cut off at the root and pulled free - sometimes with some damage to the other, better plants they were infesting -THE TREES ACTUALLY STOOD TALLER! The thorn vines had been pulling them downwards and matting them together. The thorns, even on the cut-off vines, went through gloves and scratched me up so I look like I've been in a cat fight; just pulling them down was not enough, they also had to be removed from the yard, and even a splinter removed from my hand. My arms are sore and my body ached from it, and then I found even more that I had missed. And these were just vines - no flowers, not pretty like holly, no fruit. Just parasitic and destructive vines.

As I did the work, my mind came back to here, on this site, where so many have been so hurt through no fault of their own, and how hard it is to remove all that hurt from our lives. The thorn vines will end up dried up, and either burned up or in a landfill. But I'll be OK with maybe a few scars to show for it in a few weeks, and I'll have to watch that none of them grow back, but I WILL have a garden instead of a tangled mess that only inflicts pain.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Has anyone had any kind of experience as this:
I am dying inside. I cannot get the hook out! My Mother suffered so much loss but never dealt with any of it, lost a son and grandchildren she adored. Lost her Husband my Father of 44 years. Has no Friends. Has become negative and depressed and has some form of dementia...here is the kicker...she has been so ANGRY at me so nasty I had my brother come from out of state to get her... she just could not live alone anymore but they had other plans...her paranoia won out and they decided to move her out of state behind my back. Now she says she hates me and she will talk to me when she is dead
OMG I am dying inside
advice anyone?
K.S
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

big hugs, not hits.. oh my spell check
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Donna big hits to you. My mom manipulates and lies and has been socially uninvolved her entire life and has no relationship with any of her 8 grandchildren. My dad was dying of cancer and mom couldn't walk due to arthritis (late 50's) and couldn't drive. The day my dad died she was walking and driving. She puts me down and swears and blames and refuses to eat much like a three year old having a tantrum. She is in the hospital right now (as is her norm) and I can't visit her, my visit yesterday was so abusive. Like a previous poster said ;
CHILD ABUSE THAT DID NOT END WHEN ADULTHOOD BEGAN. THE CONTINUING VICTIMIZATION OF GROWN CHILDREN BY THEIR ABUSIVE OR CONTROLLING PARENTS, SIBLINGS, OR FAMILY MEMBERS "

All I can say is simply walk away, leave the room, do not acknowledge the negative remarks and celebrate that despite being raised by such a negative woman you yourself have made a conscious decision not to be like her and instead you have been able to live your life in a positive manner filled with enrichment and satisfaction.

This is what gets me through as I see my sister living the same life my mom did, treating her children the same way and being socially uninvolved and negative 24/7.

Continue being a ray of sunshine.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Bears??? Cool! And lions and tigers..?

As far as I remember, fish pee is the least of your worries. W.C. Fields would never even drink water because, he said: "fish f*** in it."
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

My mother is very negative and I assumed this was part of her manipulative repertoire. Control freaks and manipulators don't like the people around them to be happy - that could lead to emotional stability, resilience and, worst of all, self-confidence, which might lead to making good relationships with other people, even people outside the family. No, unhappy people who are often isolated people, are much easier to control and manipulate.

My mom appears to resent my relatively good health, even though she also wants to make use of that health. So she is constantly attempting to undermine my health routines and as an added bonus, keep me from leaving the house. I mustn't walk around the lake because of the bears - there was a bear scare one single year but usually it is safe. It used to be rapists but bears are better. I'm a city slicker; rapists aren't as scary as bears. I mustn't swim in the lake - the fish pee there. So she is really trying to keep me scared in order to make me do what she wants. Her negativity has a purpose. These days it is comical, at least sometimes, but when I was a kid, it wasn't. I was scared rigid of telephones for some reason I can't remember which suited my parents. I wonder what I was told.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Sorry I should explain: when I was a teenager I had a friend to stay one weekend. He was cutting a loaf of bread at supper and she said (like teenagers do) "huh, that's not very straight." The next slice looked like a corrugated roof.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Kitty, your cabinets made me smile - I know what my brother would do. He would wordlessly go out to the garage, come back with a saw, and...
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

When my mom gets her snit on I just say "Thats nice,,,," in a kinda sarcastic tone. Can't help it, it just comes out but sometimes it works. Then I just try to let it roll off my back. Luckily she does not pull this with my daughter or hubs.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My 85yo mother, too, is one who points out something negative in EVERY situation. One day we went out for a drive, and I live in a gated community. We weren't even out of the gates yet, when my mom had already criticized five different things (the way the landscapers trimmed that hedge is sloppy, those homeowners should get a new roof, the flowers planted there are ugly, those trees are making a mess on the sidewalk etc etc) and I turned to her and said, "Are you really that miserable that you can't find something positive to say at ALL? Like the sun is shining, the weather is nice, it feels good to go out?" She gave me a look of petulance and said, "I'm just making conversation. Why are you always criticizing me?!?!" WTH?!?!? Somehow she turned it back on me so she could be the victim. It is really wearing me down. Everything I do or say is twisted by her to be "wrong". Just now she pointed out that the two large curio cabinets I bought to house her BOXFULS of knick-knacks are not even in height, and it's bugging her! Oy!!! Now I'm gonna have to hear about those uneven curio cabinets until I get someone over here to visually even out the height, cuz God knows she's gonna keep pointing it out to me!!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Thanks DonnaCG. Your comments and answers have given me encouragement that I'm not alone.

I've mentioned to some of my 10 brothers and sisters that I think mom has developed some dementia and/or her meanness is becoming profound, but most of them are not "awake and aware" as I call it and choose to be in denial about it. They say "well I love my mother!" The ones that are the worst are the ones that live far away from her and haven't and won't spend much time with her. They make me out to be hyper critical of her and won't see the truth of her mental demise and personality changes. Our family is so dysfunctional now because of her. I must admit sometimes I wish she would just pass. She could have had the most beautiful family (11 children) but as the matriarch she does not want us all to be close to each other as I think she is afraid we will see her for who she really was as a ignorant mother and remember her bad parenting. When I confronted her recently about some childhood issues that I had never brought up till now (I'm 54), she had an immediate answer for everything like she knew that the day would come when I might confront her and she was prepared....boom, boom, boom with her answers!

Some days I feel a lot of pain because of the way things are and other days I am OK with just living my life with my husband. It's just so sad that there is no continuity of the generations. I miss my family...
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Perhaps there are cases out there where the dementia causes the meanness, but in my mother's case while there is dementia I'm with MECK1234 I don't think it is the dementia talking. I think she has always had this cruel, controlling streak, but before the age and dementia kicked in she could remember to act nice sometimes and bridle some of the toxic stuff.

Now that the memory and age has come into play she forgets to act nice. I don't know how they can have memory impairment and still remember how to be such master manipulators.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

For the first time ever I didn't send a Mother's Day card, gift, or visit my mother. Her meanness is so overwhelming. I also didn't get a Mother's Day card from my own children. My mother has convinced even my own children that they should "take care of yourselves" thinking. She is 77 and was born on May 11th! Had 11 children. I am second oldest and know the abuse she has dolled out all of her life. She is just becoming more of who she really is as she ages. I do have trouble with boundaries, never learned them properly, was never taught how. I like the word "intentionally hurtful" as it is all about INTENT isn't it? I don't totally believe that dementia is making her this way. I believe she has some evil intentions that are just now coming out as she, as she says, "has nothing to live for". I have never felt such anger towards her as this past year. I have put up with her ignorance all my life but this is too much! I don't care if she is my biological mother, she is not my "spiritual" mother. God is my spiritual mother, father, sister, brother, etc., etc.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Hey. I know it sucks to have a had a stressful rather than uplifting Mother's day, but Mom probably wasn't repeating yrou every word because she intended to make you miserable. She is almost certainly having judgement and memory problems and/or no awareness at all that it got to you and ruined your day. It is irritating, but maybe not as ruinous if you do not see it as intentionally hurtful. What did your kids say about it - other than express their concern for your obvious distress??
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Correction: "She repeats everything I SAY" (not saw) She's like a parrot.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Sounds like we are all in the same situation. Yesterday, Mother's Day - my children came and I did not get ONE minute alone with them and Mom took over every conversation. If I manage to say anything, she repeats everything I saw. That is because she wants them looking at HER at all times. One of my sons says I have to do something, that he can see the change in me and he's worried about me. I thought, for once, my sister would invite her over to spend time with her family as they had a cookout -- but no such luck. I never get to enjoy a holiday with my children. Never.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

When it comes to negativity in a person, from my experience with my mother (she also has a personality disorder and Alzheimer's), the negativity is so ingrained that she thinks it is normal to be this way. It is what she was taught, to be distrusting of family and anyone who contradicts her way of thinking.What I did with my mother 30 plus years ago was establish boundaries around my life with my husband and children. I limited contacted, and made it clear that there were behaviors and attitudes I would not accept being placed on my children. There times I did not speak to my mom or visit her and my father (dad stood up for mom even though he knew she was out of control). Dad passed in 2003 from Alzheimer's. mom was diagnosed in late 2009 with Alzheimer's. Sis and I have worked together to help mom from a distance, helping her when it was necessary but staying out of firing distance from her negativity and venom. The point I am trying to make is that you have to develop boundaries of what you will and will not accept in her words and behavior. Then you have to learn to detach with love. You can google setting boundaries and detaching with love. Many good articles and advice. Hugs to you!!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Thanks once again for all of the helpful answers. Just a few updates. Mom's Dr. did not agree to meet with me alone, but did address a few issues I sent in an email. He convinced her to go back on a low dose anti-depressant and it has calmed her some. She obsesses less over some things, but still enjoys spoiling happy moments.

One evening last week my husband and I were sitting outside enjoying a beautiful day, looking at the flowers, birds and beauty of spring. Out comes the black cloud. nitpicking anything she could find, an uneven spot in the yard where a shrub used to be, a few weeds along the fence, a spot or two of peeling paint on the foundation anything to spoil the mood. I said Mom look around and find something pretty to enjoy. The azaleas are in full bloom, the weather is perfect, it's fun to watch the baby squirrels, she immediately finds something ugly to point out for every positive thing I say.

Yesterday my husband and I went out and planted a few flowers and a gorgeous hydrangea. Mom pokes her head out the door just long enough to express her opinion that hydrangea doesn't look good in the place we chose.

I know this sounds petty but she is relentless, just totally refuses to allow a single second of happiness to go uninterrupted by her poison. Our children don't want to bring their kids around, and I don't blame them. She is toxic!

I try so hard to find her positive traits, but it is getting harder and harder as the negativity gets worse. When I lose patience and snap at her for being so negative she turns on the tears. There's no doubt she has dementia, but no problem remembering all of the bad stuff!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I have very few visitors. When I do -- Mom monopolies the conversation. I heard from an old friend that I had not seen in 5 years and she came out to see me today. Mom did not miss ONE word of our conversation with each other for the entire four hours my friend was here. We even went outside and Mom followed us out there. And she told my friend about my minor medical problems. She also started talking about day time talk shows where 'those black women don't know who are the true fathers of their babies.' My friend is white but was in an interracial marriage and has three beautiful children.

Just kill me now.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I was so glad to come across this topic. My mother has destroyed my soul. She was a woman addicted to having babies and was suttle in her neglect and abuse of her 11 children. My father, her husband died over 20 years ago and since that time she has never reconciled his death in her life. She became desperate of the aloneness and worked 2 jobs, over 60 hours a week for 25 years after that, still neglecting her adult children and her grandchildren. Now that she is 77 and retire she says she has 'no reason to live' even though we have all tried to include her in our lives and her grandchildren's lives. She should have gone for counseling but has the attitude of 'what good does it do to 'stir the pot'. Over the past 3 years or so I have taken her traveling to see her son in CA and her sister in FL, I used to go to her house and spend the day with her, take her shopping or out to lunch, buy her flowers and help her with sprucing up her garden, but she has become so evil and negative in her relationship and conversation with me that I can no longer take it. I haven't seen her in over a year. I also have recently been triggered to remember the abuse from her and my father in my childhood and have gotten brave enough to confront her about it. She denies everything and has become so mean to me saying things like 'look at you, what have you done with your life, nothing' and 'your sick', etc. that I can't take it anymore. It is so sad. I think she has some dementia and depression and also heavy metal toxicity (tell tale sign of black line at top ridgeline of teeth and gums). She is lucid in her depth of conversations to be smart enough to choose what she says so I don't think it's all dementia, its mostly meanness. I have had to cut her off completely as she has hurt me so bad. I miss having a mother. Other family members don't see it. They just say, 'she's getting old'. NO!! not an excuse for meanness. There is no excuse for choosing meanness! I believe we all need to protect ourselves from abuse, even from our parents, even though we wish they would change, even though its so sad.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

THE ONLY FORM OF ABUSE STILL...
...TOLERATED BY SOCIETY
...ACCEPTED BY SOCIETY
...CONDONED BY SOCIETY
THE ONLY FORM OF ABUSE IN WHICH THE VICTIM IS...
...OPENLY DISCOURAGED FROM STANDING UP FOR HERSELF, TALKING ABOUT IT, OR REVEALING THE ABUSE TO OTHERS
...EXPECTED TO CONTINUE SUFFERING INDEFINITELY
...CRITICIZED FOR TRYING TO PROTECT HERSELF
...JUDGED FOR ESCAPING FROM HER ABUSER
THE ONLY FORM OF ABUSE IN WHICH IT IS CONSIDERED OKAY FOR A COMPETENT ADULT TO....
...BE CONTROLLED BY SOMEONE ELSE
...HAVE NO INDEPENDENCE OR RIGHT TO RUN HER OWN LIFE OR MAKE HER OWN DECISIONS
...BE HELD HOSTAGE TO THE WHIMS OR DESIRES OF ANOTHER
...HAVE NO FREEDOM OF CHOICE
CHILD ABUSE THAT DID NOT END WHEN ADULTHOOD BEGAN. THE CONTINUING VICTIMIZATION OF GROWN CHILDREN BY THEIR ABUSIVE OR CONTROLLING PARENTS, SIBLINGS, OR FAMILY MEMBERS .
SILENCE CONDONES ABUSE! THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE !
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

I am very sorry to hear of your problems. Please know she is not alone. My mother has been gettign worse with the negativity as the years go on. Mom is now in hospice care and still complaining about everything .. no matter what I do it is wrong. The weather is too cold or too hot. the food is always bad or cold, pilolows too hard or too soft, it is never ending here as well. No matter what I do she is unhappy and ungreatful and negative, no matter what even turn a funny joke into a dreadful story..... I am being told by some that this is getting worse because of the dimentia being scared, feeeling alone, etc... Good Luck..God Bless...
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Hello Donna, I feel your pain and understand how difficult it is at times for negative thoughts to fill your home...I am a caregiver for my mother-in-law who is 84 and legally blind...While she lead a happy Christian home her dementia and age has created a place of fear, worry and doubt.. I am thankful that my husband and I are together in trying to keep a positive loving home.
When Mother begins to speak negative we end her statement with "And thats the way I want it." It is a great tool to make her think of how her negativity is affecting herself and others around her. The second think my husband and I remind each other is that while she is 84 she is now reverting back to a child mentality (sometimes selfish, demanding and I'll do it myself syndrome)...this works for me since I know I am now the parent....Hope this helps
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Thanks so much to all for these answers, they have all been helpful, and I am considering many of the suggestions. I hope to start with consultation (me alone) with her primary care/gerontologist.

I agree that a lot of this is for the attention. I can't understand why anyone would prefer negative attention over positive, but she looks far more satisfied when she has ruined a happy moment, than when we are praising her for a positive action.

In my entire adult life I have shown nothing but respect for my parents. To me It just does not feel right to argue with a parent once you are an adult. It breaks my heart to be forced into this role. The guilt is horrible when I have to be firm, or show impatience, though I know that for her own good we can't go along with some of her capers.

I am learning that making a firm statement such as "I don't agree" and walking away, or even saying nothing just leaving the room works far better than allowing her the satisfaction of watching me have a melt down.

Thanks again to all who have offered suggestions and allowed me to vent.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I don't think the negativity accomplishes much of anything. My mother has been pretty nice the past few days. Tonight at dinner, though, I looked at her and saw her face looked like a raging bull. Then she started crying in her angry way. She started saying bad things about my cousin (her nephew), who had been nothing but good to her. I told her not to dare turn on him like that. She only talked worse about him until I told her I didn't want to hear another thing bad about him. He didn't do a thing wrong to earn it. I have seen abrupt behavior changes before, but nothing this fast and deep. He was a golden boy to her and just like that, he became dirt. She did it all in her mind. (He is a golden boy, good to the core.)
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I do feel my Mom's negative comments are to provoke me as she wants attention, even negative attention. I generally ignore her until she starts berating my children or grandchildren and then I cut her off at the pass. No way am I going to let her get by with that. IF I respond, she will cry and say I hurt her feelings. I tell her she's not the ONLY one with feelings and she hurts my feelings all the time. Then she'll say ..."FINE! I'm not going to say ONE WORD, Not going to talk! ..." ... so I say, okay, that's fine with me.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Oh, Madge. I love that qualifier you mother added "...at least for a little while." With those few words she zapped anything said before them. :S
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter