I am a caregiver for my early 80's mother who went into skilled care about 45 days ago. No dementia (3 tests in the last couple months confirmed no mental ailments). Can get out of bed with help and move around in a wheelchair, can walk with walker but not far. I am DPOA and MPOA for well over 10 years. Family (her siblings): one close does nothing but panic at the smallest little item and is no help and is NC because I can't take the drama, the other sibling is helpful but lives about 3 hours away so is not always around. Profile gives more info.
It seems like every other day is a panic with mom, yet she is on anti-anxiety and depression meds to prevent this. She texts or calls me constantly saying it's taking hours for someone to help her in the NH. As you can imagine it's impossible to concentrate on my job if she's constantly contacting me. Yes I've made her wait before I respond to try and "train" her that I'm not available at her every whim. She's asking for help for anything and everything from arranging her blankets (which she can do herself), saying she can't breath (panic attack?) however her O2 levels are 95+ and she's on 3 liters of O2, afraid she will fall out of bed even with rails, and on and on. So now I'm guessing when she presses her button the aides feel it's not so important because she's called wolf a few times. She hollers, throws things out the door etc to get their attention. There are 50+ other residents and she doesn't seem to understand they will not be there in a minute. She said they are not abusing her just slow to respond.
I have honestly never seen their response being overly lengthy, maybe 20 minutes at the most. There is only so much I can do and we've already moved from one facility because it was unclean and looked like a detention center. I'd really hate to put my mother on NC during the day while I work but I cannot have the continual disruptions. Also I'm afraid that the NH will kick her out and she will have no where to go.
Ringing phones can go unanswered.
Aaahhh yes, moms never ending honey do’s; my mother was a master at this, and indeed it is VERY challenging. You MUST set boundaries and STICK to them. During a “non-emergency “ visit with mom, both of you sit down (in a chair not in bed), and in a kind, firm manner, tell mom you will not be available between x-x (your work hours)- do not explain, give her the unless it’s an emergency clause- nothing. Simply state you will not be available and as already mentioned, if she does have an actual emergency the facility will contact you. After losing several jobs during my years caring for my mother, I did this and it actually worked. Have the conversation over coffee and her favorite pastry- in a positive way. In my experience, I wish I would have laid down boundaries sooner than I did. Also, it’s likely that as time goes on, her “emergencies “ will increase so setting boundaries now will help for the future. Best wishes
susan xoxoxo
I think she's afraid she will be forgotten by the facility or by her family. That's not going to happen.
She even called me at 2:30am and 4:30am (yes, they ended up taking her phone away from her at nights). It got so bad that the night nurses took away her call button - I know - it was a huge no-no but it was THAT bad (her room was right across from the nurses station so they could hear her if it was a serious situation). She actually believed that the nurses and aides at the facility were skilled 'servants' as she called them, and were suppose to take care of her every need and want. And she treated them that way. Nothing I said, or did, or didn't do, changed her thinking or way of being. the only time the staff and me got some quiet was when they gave her heavy duty pain meds that would make her sleepy. So, logic, reasoning, trying to 'train' - nothing worked - medications did.
Then turn your phone to vibrate during your working hours. Or block HER number while leaving the SNFs main number unblocked. That way, her calls won't come through but the staff calls WILL come through, meaning you will get an emergency call only. I do that frequently with my mother when I need a break from her constant histrionics (which is never an emergency). The staff can get thru to my phone, just not HER directly. It works quite well.
Sometimes it's necessary for a reality check for 'nervous' women whose anxiety rule their lives. Sometimes I feel like they use their 'anxiety' and 'nervousness' as an excuse to mask their righteous indignation for immediate service from the 'little people' put on earth to serve them.
Wishing you the best of luck with this situation.
I love my mom very much and she's never ever acted like this in her whole life so I'm not used to seeing/hearing. It's hard, very hard but I'm frustrated.
Really, some seem to become like children. They also seem to forget what being married, taking care of kids, working and keeping a house entail. They can not be the center of your world even though they want to be. Yes, she is Mom but you need to set boundries for your own sanity.
Also, discuss her behavior with the nursing staff. I am fairly certain they have dealt with this before. Ask for suggestions from them. It may be that they feel like she could benefit from additional meds or some sort of behavior modification therapy or counseling. However, often these requests need to come from the family and not the staff in order for the doctor to honor them.
Please get a geriatric psychiatrist to see her (the NH likely has one who visits) and get her meds adjusted.
Your mom has 24/7 oversight. She needs to learn to rely on the staff in the moment and not have you so easily available.
Concentrate on your job.
You need to establish boundaries to reduce your own anxiety, because everything is already being done to reduce hers. Work has to be a priority, too. I’m sure the last thing you want is for the constant interruptions to reflect badly upon you at work.
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