I am a caregiver for my early 80's mother who went into skilled care about 45 days ago. No dementia (3 tests in the last couple months confirmed no mental ailments). Can get out of bed with help and move around in a wheelchair, can walk with walker but not far. I am DPOA and MPOA for well over 10 years. Family (her siblings): one close does nothing but panic at the smallest little item and is no help and is NC because I can't take the drama, the other sibling is helpful but lives about 3 hours away so is not always around. Profile gives more info.
It seems like every other day is a panic with mom, yet she is on anti-anxiety and depression meds to prevent this. She texts or calls me constantly saying it's taking hours for someone to help her in the NH. As you can imagine it's impossible to concentrate on my job if she's constantly contacting me. Yes I've made her wait before I respond to try and "train" her that I'm not available at her every whim. She's asking for help for anything and everything from arranging her blankets (which she can do herself), saying she can't breath (panic attack?) however her O2 levels are 95+ and she's on 3 liters of O2, afraid she will fall out of bed even with rails, and on and on. So now I'm guessing when she presses her button the aides feel it's not so important because she's called wolf a few times. She hollers, throws things out the door etc to get their attention. There are 50+ other residents and she doesn't seem to understand they will not be there in a minute. She said they are not abusing her just slow to respond.
I have honestly never seen their response being overly lengthy, maybe 20 minutes at the most. There is only so much I can do and we've already moved from one facility because it was unclean and looked like a detention center. I'd really hate to put my mother on NC during the day while I work but I cannot have the continual disruptions. Also I'm afraid that the NH will kick her out and she will have no where to go.
Could she go home and have live-in help move in? You might see a huge improvement if she was home and not in a facility.
In the meantime, you're doing the right thing not responding immediately to all the calls. She has to understand that your life and time is not hers to control.
however, it sounds to me like either your mom is not complaint with her medications, or she’s on the wrong type or dosage. Anxiety in the absence of dementia which you claim she doesn’t have, is not being controlled.
I will tell you it is very common for the elderly in rehab or LTC to complain about staff not dashing in the minute they hit the call button. They think they are the only patient. I heard complaints like this all the time. I would suggest you not answer the phone when you are busy since you can do nothing about it. She is in a facility where she is safe and getting cared for. If something is seriously wrong they will call you. Put your phone on silent or block her call while you work.
you say she went in to LTC 45 days ago…this is a very short time as far as a resident to get acclimated. It is hard to adjust and usually takes 3-6 months. DO NOT move her if she seems cared for as it’s confusing and hard to adjust all over again. Talk with her doctor about her behavior and see if a medication adjustment is needed. Check with the charge nurse to see if your mom is refusing her meds also.
I'm not used to seeing my mother in this situation and being so needy. She was a very independent person ALL her life, even during marriage. It's heartbreaking but I'm starting to adjust and set my boundaries. No matter what I have to keep on living my life and supporting myself else I'll be out on the streets.
You are rewarding her behaviour if you make yourself available 24/7.
She even called me at 2:30am and 4:30am (yes, they ended up taking her phone away from her at nights). It got so bad that the night nurses took away her call button - I know - it was a huge no-no but it was THAT bad (her room was right across from the nurses station so they could hear her if it was a serious situation). She actually believed that the nurses and aides at the facility were skilled 'servants' as she called them, and were suppose to take care of her every need and want. And she treated them that way. Nothing I said, or did, or didn't do, changed her thinking or way of being. the only time the staff and me got some quiet was when they gave her heavy duty pain meds that would make her sleepy. So, logic, reasoning, trying to 'train' - nothing worked - medications did.
Maybe she's just scared at being in a new place , maybe she feels discarded or is afraid she will be . It's an unfamiliar place even though she's been there over a month .
Getting older is hard , losing your autonomy, even worse.
Speak to her , tell her you love her ( if you have that sort of relationship) and that the facility that you have placed her in is a good one .
Tell her you want the best for her and you can't do that on your own and that she is somewhere where if anything goes wrong she can get proper attention immediately .
Tell her she is in danger of being kicked out and if that happens she might not get what's best for her after that .
You can perhaps block her number during working hours and speak to those on front desk duty letting them know that if possible they can email you updates or call if an emergency occurs .
You can call her every morning at a set time and after that tell her you are at work and will check in with her after and that she will not be able to reach you until then as you have meetings etc ( whatever works ) . Stick to it . Do not deviate .
Eventually this will become routine. I figure two to three calls a day to ask her how she is and reassure her is better than constant .
Send her or take her cheerful things for her room .
A nice print or painting to look at, a radio or small tv , nice comforters and a rug maybe . Some flowers ( artificial or real ) with a card that says I love you . Just nice touches like that , might help .
Elder care rooms are often so barren and ugly with just the bare minimum Is there anything in the room from her previous home, anything familiar ? Photos ? , books ? Etc ? Think about that .
Try anything but speaking to her is best , ask her what her fears are and why she is so agitated . That's the best and first step .
I wish you luck .
L
I'm slowing taking in more of her things to decorate her room. She has her favorite blanket and I've put out some autumn decorations and flowers. Rooms are very sterile and I aim to fix that!
Since it seemed to get worse (the calls)after 6:00pm, I would not answer the phone. I would call her once to say goodnight & tell her I'm going to bed.
The only advice I would offer is block her calls while you are at work. Let the NH know what you are doing and tell them to call you if it is an emergency. Good luck.
You need to establish boundaries to reduce your own anxiety, because everything is already being done to reduce hers. Work has to be a priority, too. I’m sure the last thing you want is for the constant interruptions to reflect badly upon you at work.
I like the idea that you give her a timer, that she can set, that she won't call you unless they don't respond in x minutes. Is it a call button that she uses or can she telephone the desk? An I need the toilet call or I can't breathe should get priority over a blanket arranging call. As my mom has gotten more confused about things, her anxiety has gotten worse, or maybe her ability to control or reason away her anxiety has deteriorated. She was always a worrier, but functioned fine, but was always early in case of traffic, or has extra clothes in case the weather changed. She was the go to when you needed a safety pin or band aid etc, her purse was ready for all emergencies.
Now she is taking some anti anxiety meds, and it seems to help quite a bit . Sometimes she would say I m so nervous but couldn't explain why, but that hasn't happened in a while. Maybe your mom could benefit, ask her dr.
Let her know it's either where she is or the other place.
Let her know the place is understaffed so it takes them 20 minutes or so to come, which is a long time, especially if you need to go to the bathroom.
Tell her you can not talk to her during work time.
Tell her during that time, she will have to call other Siblings that you won't be answering the phone. Make sure you don't.
Mare sure mom has a large clock in her room and give her a Kitchen Timer to set for 20 minutes so she will know not to ask for help again until the timer goes off.
If mom has her own room, you should install a camera so you can see what's going on 24 7 from your cell phone and computer. I use Nest for my 97 yr old Dad and it was easy to install.
That way in the beginning if she calls durung work hours,, you can always just peak and see abd hear what's going on in her room.
You also might see about mom getting off the meds because most Nursing Homes have the Dr's put the people on meds especially the ones they call trouble makers to make it easier for the Caretakers and Nurses.
and any kind of med's alters your thinking especially ones they give saying there to help with anxiety or depression.
They can effect people the wrong way.
In the meantime, let your mother know that you have confidence in the staff. Let her phone calls go to voicemail and call her back at your convenience.
Please get a geriatric psychiatrist to see her (the NH likely has one who visits) and get her meds adjusted.
Your mom has 24/7 oversight. She needs to learn to rely on the staff in the moment and not have you so easily available.
Concentrate on your job.
Also, discuss her behavior with the nursing staff. I am fairly certain they have dealt with this before. Ask for suggestions from them. It may be that they feel like she could benefit from additional meds or some sort of behavior modification therapy or counseling. However, often these requests need to come from the family and not the staff in order for the doctor to honor them.
dome of these beliefs / maybe attending church or joining Bingo , starting a hobby , collaging . Make sure when your family visits you encourage her independence and keep buying her journals to write in and then have her share it with you .
Mom does have a notebook and she has written down a few things so I'll encourage her to do more.
Aaahhh yes, moms never ending honey do’s; my mother was a master at this, and indeed it is VERY challenging. You MUST set boundaries and STICK to them. During a “non-emergency “ visit with mom, both of you sit down (in a chair not in bed), and in a kind, firm manner, tell mom you will not be available between x-x (your work hours)- do not explain, give her the unless it’s an emergency clause- nothing. Simply state you will not be available and as already mentioned, if she does have an actual emergency the facility will contact you. After losing several jobs during my years caring for my mother, I did this and it actually worked. Have the conversation over coffee and her favorite pastry- in a positive way. In my experience, I wish I would have laid down boundaries sooner than I did. Also, it’s likely that as time goes on, her “emergencies “ will increase so setting boundaries now will help for the future. Best wishes
susan xoxoxo
I think she's afraid she will be forgotten by the facility or by her family. That's not going to happen.
Really, some seem to become like children. They also seem to forget what being married, taking care of kids, working and keeping a house entail. They can not be the center of your world even though they want to be. Yes, she is Mom but you need to set boundries for your own sanity.
Ringing phones can go unanswered.
Then turn your phone to vibrate during your working hours. Or block HER number while leaving the SNFs main number unblocked. That way, her calls won't come through but the staff calls WILL come through, meaning you will get an emergency call only. I do that frequently with my mother when I need a break from her constant histrionics (which is never an emergency). The staff can get thru to my phone, just not HER directly. It works quite well.
Sometimes it's necessary for a reality check for 'nervous' women whose anxiety rule their lives. Sometimes I feel like they use their 'anxiety' and 'nervousness' as an excuse to mask their righteous indignation for immediate service from the 'little people' put on earth to serve them.
Wishing you the best of luck with this situation.
I love my mom very much and she's never ever acted like this in her whole life so I'm not used to seeing/hearing. It's hard, very hard but I'm frustrated.