Mom is in NH. I feel guilty if I do not go to see her a lot. Any advice?

Chincoteague, you did the right thing. You got Mother the care she needs. So how come you feel guilty if you did the right thing? Sigh. Because guilt isn't logical. Sometimes it is appropriate and serves a good purpose. But sometimes it isn't and doesn't. This is one of those times.

If you can't shake the guilt at least push it to the far back in your mind. Don't let it drive your decisions.

Every-other week sounds like a good visiting schedule to me. Or once a month might work well.

Thank you Babalou and emjo23. I am overwhelmed with the positive responses. They have really helped me feel better. I am somewhat new to this forum and hope I can help someone someday.
Thanks to my first response The Boogs. You made me laugh!! Thanks. This feels good.

Should you feel guilty? No. But you do anyway: that's the problem.

What about thinking in more detail about how you feel when you take time out from visiting your mother to do other things, for yourself, for your grandchildren, for any activity in fact that you enjoy more - what is the guilt all about? Does it really feel as though you're doing something wrong? Or are you afraid of something: what she might say to you about it, what might be happening to her when you're not looking (nothing will be happening - we just suffer terrible imaginings), some other fear based on lifelong (and probably erroneous) beliefs about yourself and what sort of person you are..?

You're actually a person who has done a great deal for little appreciation or feedback from your mother. You are, indeed, not guilty. But if the feelings still bother you, find a counsellor, therapist or even trusted friend who can help you figure them out.

I don't want to comment on your mother. I don't know the lady, for one thing; but what's much more important is that, clearly, whether or not we care for our parents has almost nothing to do with what they're like and almost everything to do with what we are like. Some lovely people are ignored and exploited by their children. Some monsters are still lovingly cared for by abused but devoted children. Deserving don't seem to come into it - it's down to the willingness and ability of the caregiver.

chinco (((((((hugs))))))) I know the scene and hear you about your sister. My sis is the golden girl too and am the one who is expected to "serve". You are visiting often enough. You need and deserve your own life, your grandchildren, your "me" time, Please ditch the guilt. It serves no good purpose. Look after you.

Chin, you've done your job! You've kept your mom safe and appropriately cared for. Visiting is nice, but in your situation, it sounds as if it's not easy because a. You are relatively far away and b. It's painful for you due to history. So let it go. But also try to let go of the anger at your sister. Parents who overtly play favorites sometimes must think this will keep their children from ganging up on them. Let me tell you, when I get old, I want my three kids pulling together, not in three different directions!

Thank you blannie!!! Feel the hugs. Needed that. To Bablou, I reached out to my sister after our Dad passed. She was not having it. There is a lot of history there with my Mom, me and my sister. A lot of the bad stuff was caused by Mom, in her right mind. She is a very domineering woman who is always right. Now shehas Dementia.
Anyway, I just wanted advice about feeling guilty about going to see my Mom at NH. Thanks to all.

Answer to your question is no, you select a good level of involvement that gives you and Mom maximum comfort and what you are doing it probably just fine. A few unpredictable visits now and then are said to be good for making sure care is good not just when they know you are coming.

But, it does sound like that you have some hard places in your heart where others hurt you deeply...I hope they heal! So sorry things were unfair and you were the one who had to notice things were wrong and get care organized without help and support. Give a thought as to what their point of view might have been - maybe just uncaring, or maybe something else...maybe they feel more comfortable blaming you for "putting Mom in a home" rather than admitting the did not recognize the decline, or just could not emotionally handle the decline.

Parents who play favorites have no idea of the damage, hurt and harm they cause both the favored and the unfavored child!

Don't feel guilty and don't feel any obligation to try to mend fences with a sister who can't be bothered. Just let it all go and get on with your life, surrounded by people who love you and accept you. You've done more than your share. {{{{Hugs}}}}

Do you mean that your sister has tried to mend fences with you? Trying to decipher what the last line of your post to FF meant.

Holding on to anger at others only hurts you.

Thank you all who answered. To freqflyer, there is way more to the story than I care to get into. As it would be nice to visit Mom together. Not going to happen. I reached out to her and was shot down. Will not put myself in that situation again. For the record, her and her hubby did not do anything to help my mom. They sure did call me to handle everything because as I said, they could not be bothered. Thank you though for the input. You sound a lot like my sister?

You do not need to feel guilty. Guilt is a cancer of the soul.

Chincoteague, one thing that stood out in your post was "Tried to get help for her, but she refused all types." Well, that also means your *perfect* sister wasn't able to get Mom to receive any type of help, either.

You wrote that your sister and her husband couldn't be bothered helping your Mom, could it be that they just gave up? Even your Dad couldn't help your Mom. Looked like everyone, including you, was on the same page.

Maybe it is time to start mending those fences with your sister, you could have more in common than you think.... wouldn't it be great if the two of you could visit Mom at the nursing home together for Mother's Day.

You have to take that guilt, put it in a bag and shoot it. I have 3 older siblings. At first, it was just me and another sibling doing it all. The other sisters who were more equipped to handle things were never available and lived nearby. What I have learned (especially from advice in this group) is that nobody is obligated to do anything they don't want to do (this includes you). Your sister isn't obligated, you aren't obligated -- it's all about whoever CHOOSES. You live far, you seem like you have your plate full as it is -- you cannot stretch your limits or you'll be sacrificing your quality of life, as well as your children and grandchildren. Every other week is fine. That's what my siblings do. My mother now lives with me, I take care of her -- but it's no sweat off my back because I am able to do so since I work full time at home and my partner is here to help when she is not working. So we are OKAY and we CHOOSE this.

Anyway, please don't put the burden of guilt upon yourself. You've done a lot already and you still make time to see her. I think you're doing alright. Give yourself some credit.

{{hugs}}