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Done so much for her in past. She never liked me. Sister came first. I found out in my early 50's that my Mom never liked me. I do no know why. I was always good to her. Never wanted to make her mad. Always tried to please her, but was never enough. Sister on the other hand was perfect. We all got along because I went along with them. Then one day, I realized something was wrong. Tried to get help for her, but she refused all types, meals on wheels, housekeeping, first alert, etc. my sister and bro-in-law live next door. They were no help. Could not be bothered. They did not want anything to interfere with their quality of life. So after many instances, with my Dad's permission, Dad was no help, went along with my Mom, did not want to make her mad either. Tried to explain to Dad, but he was in denial, I put Mom in NH. Dad has since passed. My question is, I really do not want to go see her a lot. I have grandchildren that I put on the bus in morning and get off the bus in afternoon. My personal time is limited. I feel Mom is well taken care of. Should I feel quilty about not going to see her often. I usually go every other Sunday and always take her out for Mom's day, Easter, mostly during the nice weather here in New York. Sister and I do not speak anymore. Thoughts, advice? Thank you!

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I know some will disagree but if this woman didnt have dementia would you have gone to see her? NO Why? Because she was a hateful woman BEFORE dementia set in. So dont feel guilt now. Some people are nice all their lives and then dementia turns them - for those people hate the disease not the person.

For those of you who have experience a hateful parent ALL their lives there is no guilt and if dementia means she no longer understands - that is not your cross to bear either. The damage she did to you far far outweighs anything you have ever done to her and now is not a time to try and turn back the clock - it wont serve any purpose other than to drag you down that road again.
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I fully understand how you feel. My mother was a devil. The most evil person I have ever met in my life. When I was about 12/13 years she said right into my face that she wished I never was born. Oh happy days !! Can you imagine how I felt ? I presume you do. During years / decades I have tried to do my utmost to "serve" her, to arrange paper work, to help her when dad became ill. But it was never enough. My sis left home at 18. I had left home at 19, and my brother also at 18. But my sis never came back during all the subsequent years. My brother and myself we visited her, when dad was still alive, but specially after he had passed away. And when we both helped her to arrange the funeral, she started screaming : you are just here for the money. But keep it in mind : No single penny you will get. My goodness. I even had never thought of any money. Neither my brother. And she started throwing cups and glasses to our head. So we took our clothes and left. But then my sis showed up. crawling at mom's feet like a snake, and mom felt so so good. At the funeral, she held mom's arm, dried her tears, etc.. I could not stand it, and left the church. Sorry for my brother, but I COULD NOT !!
She is in a hospice now, and in the beginning I went 3 to 4 times a year - it is about 1h30' to get there - but because so was so thankful (I - the only one - took care of new clothing aso. when she needed them) that I have stopped my visits. It's now more than 3 years that I don't go anymore. Also because of suffering from lower back pains, but more and more because I really do not want to see her again. Why should I spent time for someone who hated me. I can only say this : be happy with your grandchildren and enjoy their presence. Take care and start loving yourself !! This is of utmost importance. You have missed so many love so now it is time to think of yourself. This is not egoistic. This is necessary to have an acceptable life. With you lots of strength and much warm hugs.
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As long as Mom is safe and well cared for you have done your best so enjoy your grand son and make preparations for Mom so you and hubby can have free time in your retirement.
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Forgot to say, that with Dementia they have no concept of time. She probably doesn't realize how long it has been since you've been there. She may even say u never come to visit when u were there the day before. Its the desease and u can't take it personally.
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I watch my 2yr old grandson 2x a week. Days when my husband is here to take him if Mom needs me. I had someone say to me that I should stop watching him and make Mom my priority. This is the only time we see him. I want to enjoy him while he is small. I don't feel I need to give up everything. With her being with us we just can't get up and go. Everything needs to be planned so I can have someone with her. As the oldest and the one who lives the closest its always been me. My Mom was a good mother but...I want my life back. (babysat ft for 20months for GS) We r retired and want to enjoy this time because u .. never know. Hoping to sell her house so she can go to a local AL.

Understand how u feel about visiting. I would only stay an hour or so when we visited the hospital and rehab. I felt guilty but I can only tell her so much. Don't like just sitting around either. I think u r doing enough. She has another daughter who can share the time.

I have found, like in instance that the child who does nothing is loved more than the child who does it all. Never understood it. What goes around comes around. Your sister will pay for her selfcentered attitude. Do what u can when u can. Enjoy those grands while they are young. I've been told enjoy ur Mom because she won"t be here much longer. Meaning to put my gs aside. I look at it as I've had the best years with Mom. I'm there for her but she could live another ten years. That takes a chunk of my GSs life and at 65 mine.

Stop feeling guilty. You are and have done a lot more for ur Mom than some would have.
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azbill they never do hun. Even when the worst happens and they break something (My Mum broke her hip) they still dont learn I have to watch her ALL the time when she starts to feel good - that is when she thinks she's damned invincible again and whoops on the floor we go. Do you know WHY he refuses a life alert - Mum didnt want to wear one round her neck but was quite happy to wear one on her wrist that looked more like a watch. Try to find out what his issue is hun xxxx
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dad falls down a lot but won't use a walker. He weights about 135 and is 6'2. I am shocked he hasnt broken anything. Mom is deaf and so he lies there until she figures out he hasnt come back or in some cases, a neighbor will hear him and go help. I have been there and witnessed it. I cannot lift him and cannot even see how mom does. He refuses a life alert. I can't stand the arguements with him so I say "oh well, you will fall get hurt and have to go to a home then". but I feel so guilty that I call and apologize. He wins again. He doesnt realize that I am trying to help him.
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I am new to this site and so grateful that it is here for me! I have the same issues to an extent. My parents are still in the denial stage that they can no longer care for themselves and fight me every inch of the way. If I go somewhere( I live about 40 miles from them in my own home) I have to call to tell them where I am(they"worry") when I get home. They say this is so they don't worry, but oh, yes, forgot to mention that I am a 58 year old widow!!My friends laugh when we're on a vacation because I have to call in or they will call constantly. I go see them at least two times a week. take care of what they'll "let" me but I am getting resentful of a brother that lives 2 miles away and sees them twice a year! yep, he's the golden boy. but, mom does say each night that she loves me and is appreciative of every thing I do for them. So, I guess I am lucky there, but exhausted from the arguments, denials, etc from dad.
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I can empathize. After my mother was hospitalized a number of years ago, I was going to see her 3x/week. She got to being so nasty I had to cut back on the number of times to once/week and eventually not going to see her at all. I was accused by the NH of abandonment, which wasn't true. I would still go see her for special occasions like holidays. Eventually I worked into going more often - but only until it was obvious that the visits weren't good for either of us due to her attitude and going just made matters worse. I was the only family member visiting for the last 2-3 years because of the way she treated all of us. I was her medical POA; I felt a moral obligation to fulfill that role once I assumed it, but I was limited in that I was dealing with a disability myself; I also had problems with my ages old vehicle. I also had some foot injuries and back problems that kept me from walking the 2 1/2 miles (5 miles round trip) to visit her.
The point I'm trying to make, I guess, is that we have limitations - and we do what we can. Please don't feel guilty for not being able to go see your mother more often. You and your family have needs too - and you need to take care of yourself. Your mother is blessed to have you. /\/\/\/\/\/\ (((((HUGS)))))
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Love it, the visual kdcm1011. Made me laugh, and thank you for the support. Thank you also grammymyself. It is overwhelming the amount of positive feedback that I have received. I am so appreciative and thankful that there are so many caring and respectful people still in this world today. Thank you all that have responded to me. I take to heart everything and feel the love and support. Group hug!
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Don't feel guilty. Love all the supportive responses, which has helped me, too. Ignore Cat.....and feel sorry for that person's sibling. Good heavens! I am slowly learning to compartmentalize the guilt. Hopefully, I can soon get rid of it entirely. And you, too.

Oh, and let the anger go. That helps, too. Read somewhere that holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. The visual in my head is me barfing up the poison while the person I am angry at looks on with total boredom. Silly I know, but it works for me.
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Chinco -- please do not feel guilty and don't let anyone else make you feel that way. Guilt can be lethal esp. to caregivers. No one knows the whole story and we all have them! I commend you for making a bi-weekly trip as it appears you live NYS and your mother in NH. That is more that many would do even under more pleasurable circumstances. If you visit less often you could perhaps call or e-mail her caseworker periodically to see how she is doing. Your relationship with your sister is between the two of you and you don't need more advice except what your head and heart are telling you. There are many positive comments posted here ,. . . know we are all feeling your frustration. Good luck and take care of YOU first or there will be northing left for the people who matter most.
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Chinco you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty. I loathe the term "put in a nursing home" as it's usually the case that a person enters a nursing home when the care they need reaches a level that can only be provided by professionals.

My mother was the mother from h*ll and I spent a lifetime avoiding her if at all possible. That said, I gave up my home, career and friends to care for her for four years until it was impossible to do it alone 24/7 (Parkinsons, many strokes and dementia). She's been in a nursing home for over two years now and I'm trying to rebuild my life..

She has no friends ... ran them all off over the years ... except one long ago acquaintance who visits about 3x a year. I've been visiting 2 or 3 times a week, running errands, ensuring she has all she needs, bills are paid and listening to the endless wants, demands and complaints, all of which are pure fantasy and delusions.

The 3x a year visitor is "golden" because she sits for a while and brings a small gift. Despite all I do and have done for her I'm the one who gets bashed for not staying long. I dread visiting and I've decided that from here on I'll visit every couple of weeks on a nice sunny afternoon when I can push her outside and spend a little time. Of course I'll get bashed for not visiting so often but I have to protect my health and sanity.
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Let me be clear cattgoodness; I have no comment to you. I do not feel the need to explain anything to you.
I just wanted advice and thoughts. And thank you JudeAH53 for your support! I appreciate it very much!
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Having been angry there and I make no apology for that, I thought it would be a good time to remind us all that this is a SUPPORT network. It says quite clearly at the top Home » Caregiver Support » Emotional Wellbeing » Questions ». Now someone who is brave enough to ask a question needs support and while we may or may not agree with what they are doing we should endeavour to get people to understand what support they may need to help them to get back on track again.

In Chincos case this doesnt apply as far as I personally am concerned; my heart goes out to her, for she must have constantly been in turmoil, battling one side of her thoughts against the other.

Please can we offer support and guidance not anger. And Cat, while I absolutely defend your right to comment I defend mine to disgaree wholeheartedly (and then some)
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In shock cattgoodness that you should say this. Chinco DOES visit her mother every other weekend. There is another sibling so we should consider that Mum is getting visited every weekend which is quite a lot for most people in a nursing home. In all honesty given the background I would think Chinco has done an amazing job in forgiving her mother for treating her differently from her sibling and has made every effort to make sure her mum is cared for - something her 'perfect' sibling seems not to have done.
Chinco had turned the other cheek and had it slapped. Her sister lived next door and did nothing - does she have a right to be angry - yes she does and yet she still did her best by her mum Well done Chinco you have a wonderful family that you clearly devote your time to - that your mother isnt totally in that frame isnt YOUR fault its HERS not recently but over a long long period of time.
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You should feel guilty and assumed all I here is poor me give it a brake yes your life is full because you filled it I am not saying your mother dose not get good care in her nursing home I am saying she needs her family you are full hate for your mother if you loved any one you mom dad sis or bro once you would be calling her and visiting but no your a poor me personwho will find your self in her spot some day bbecause your children and family are learning from you how to be me me s as for her talking love has no words and in your mind set you will only hear the word in your mind
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You said it. You seem very wise. Appreciate it. Thanks!
I myself have done very extensive soul searching and I do like me.
Again, you have helped me!
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I found that writing it all down really helped me.
Letting the raw unedited feelings come out without judgement is very liberating.
Somehow, even though nothing changed in the world, I felt stronger after.
A thesaurus was a key part of this process!

One of the big ones that was profound for me was "I despise your purposeful helplessness." And "I am furious that you denied your own strength all these years so that I had to carry you."
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Yes, actually your response has helped. You are correct in the way I feel in that
I cannot resolve matters with my Mom. It will end without any satisfaction on my part by telling her how she made me feel all these years. You hit the nail on the head there. I do have remorse in that I should have spoken for myself instead of going along with everything and trying to keep the peace. That was my big mistake and the reason my sis and I do not speak. Thank you!!
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Let's reframe what you are perceiving as guilt.

You didn't do anything wrong, immoral, or illegal, so guilt is not necessary.
I think we mislabel a ball of very complicated feelings as guilt.

Remorse there are no other options now.
Regret that the wrongs done to you in the past can't be made right.
Frustration.
Grief that there are no more opportunities to fix the relationship.
Dismay that it's going to end without any sense of satisfaction.
Anger over what you missed in a close mother/daughter relationship.
Disappointment
Loss over what will never be
And so on.

I don't believe it's as simple as vanilla guilt. Guilt is something you can get past through penance, compensation, and restitution. This kind of situation will not be repaired by any of those measures.

You have to make your visit schedule work for your life, not the other way around. You have to prioritize your obligations, family, house tasks, and even your own down time. Leaving out down time will be a big mistake for your health & well being.

There is no one right answer for how often is correct. It changes over time and will be whatever you need it to be.
I hope this helps.
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Thank you malloryg8r.
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I support you, also. Does your mom call you a lot? I try to send mine little things in the mail. But, I never hear from her. (We are in different states.)
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Chin, I wish you were my sister. I have 2, plus 2 brothers. None of them visits mom even 1X per YEAR. It is about every 3-5 YEARS. You have nothing to worry about. There are millions of seniors in NH's who have NO visitors. You are an angel to visit every other week. Oh what I would give, and more importantly, what my mother would give, if all her kids would do as you are. Thank you for honoring and respecting your mother, and setting a good example for your own kids.
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Thanks all. Every day gets better and better!
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Chincotdeaque - gosh, don't feel guilty at all. You have set up a very reasonable schedule for your visits and it's time to go on with your life. You have done plenty, without any appreciation. The right thing now is to do the right thing for YOU.
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Guilt what's that? Just chuck it out the window and slam it down fast. You have done the best you can that is what matters. Whether you feel guilty or she could care less is not important. Draw a line and move forward. never helps to waste time on regrets.
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Chinco Let's look at you.

What would you do if no guilt was attached? Would you visit her once a month just to check all was well and she was being treated right? Or not at all. Whatever works for YOU is the issue/

More's to the point in the same situation what would your mum do for you? How often would she visit you (and be nice)

You have no need to ever feel guilt about what YOU do with YOUR life unless its something really stoopid! Go visit when you want to and be nice and if she's nasty just leave. You are not the child you once were even if it still feels the same.

Care is not a duty to be foisted on the one who caves in to browbeating first and it seems like you bore the brunt of that. Time to stand up and brush that dust off gal...if your siblings don't like it tell them to do one. Take back the control of YOUR life. What will be will be and as the dementia progresses it is doubtful she will know you are you anyway. If the siblings ring you to moan ...hang up on them and then sit with a cuppa and just imagine their faces that their sibling could actually HANG UP ON THEM....grins and huge hugs. PS I find vasline on the shoulders helps those little conscience devils lose their footing and s;ip right off
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Once a month sounds real good!!!!
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Thank you Countrymouse and jeannegibbs. All these responses are helping. Appreciate everyone's thoughts and input.
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