Mom is in NH. I feel guilty if I do not go to see her a lot. Any advice?

Chinco you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty. I loathe the term "put in a nursing home" as it's usually the case that a person enters a nursing home when the care they need reaches a level that can only be provided by professionals.

My mother was the mother from h*ll and I spent a lifetime avoiding her if at all possible. That said, I gave up my home, career and friends to care for her for four years until it was impossible to do it alone 24/7 (Parkinsons, many strokes and dementia). She's been in a nursing home for over two years now and I'm trying to rebuild my life..

She has no friends ... ran them all off over the years ... except one long ago acquaintance who visits about 3x a year. I've been visiting 2 or 3 times a week, running errands, ensuring she has all she needs, bills are paid and listening to the endless wants, demands and complaints, all of which are pure fantasy and delusions.

The 3x a year visitor is "golden" because she sits for a while and brings a small gift. Despite all I do and have done for her I'm the one who gets bashed for not staying long. I dread visiting and I've decided that from here on I'll visit every couple of weeks on a nice sunny afternoon when I can push her outside and spend a little time. Of course I'll get bashed for not visiting so often but I have to protect my health and sanity.

Chinco -- please do not feel guilty and don't let anyone else make you feel that way. Guilt can be lethal esp. to caregivers. No one knows the whole story and we all have them! I commend you for making a bi-weekly trip as it appears you live NYS and your mother in NH. That is more that many would do even under more pleasurable circumstances. If you visit less often you could perhaps call or e-mail her caseworker periodically to see how she is doing. Your relationship with your sister is between the two of you and you don't need more advice except what your head and heart are telling you. There are many positive comments posted here ,. . . know we are all feeling your frustration. Good luck and take care of YOU first or there will be northing left for the people who matter most.

Don't feel guilty. Love all the supportive responses, which has helped me, too. Ignore Cat.....and feel sorry for that person's sibling. Good heavens! I am slowly learning to compartmentalize the guilt. Hopefully, I can soon get rid of it entirely. And you, too.

Oh, and let the anger go. That helps, too. Read somewhere that holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. The visual in my head is me barfing up the poison while the person I am angry at looks on with total boredom. Silly I know, but it works for me.

Love it, the visual kdcm1011. Made me laugh, and thank you for the support. Thank you also grammymyself. It is overwhelming the amount of positive feedback that I have received. I am so appreciative and thankful that there are so many caring and respectful people still in this world today. Thank you all that have responded to me. I take to heart everything and feel the love and support. Group hug!

I can empathize. After my mother was hospitalized a number of years ago, I was going to see her 3x/week. She got to being so nasty I had to cut back on the number of times to once/week and eventually not going to see her at all. I was accused by the NH of abandonment, which wasn't true. I would still go see her for special occasions like holidays. Eventually I worked into going more often - but only until it was obvious that the visits weren't good for either of us due to her attitude and going just made matters worse. I was the only family member visiting for the last 2-3 years because of the way she treated all of us. I was her medical POA; I felt a moral obligation to fulfill that role once I assumed it, but I was limited in that I was dealing with a disability myself; I also had problems with my ages old vehicle. I also had some foot injuries and back problems that kept me from walking the 2 1/2 miles (5 miles round trip) to visit her.
The point I'm trying to make, I guess, is that we have limitations - and we do what we can. Please don't feel guilty for not being able to go see your mother more often. You and your family have needs too - and you need to take care of yourself. Your mother is blessed to have you. /\/\/\/\/\/\ (((((HUGS)))))

I am new to this site and so grateful that it is here for me! I have the same issues to an extent. My parents are still in the denial stage that they can no longer care for themselves and fight me every inch of the way. If I go somewhere( I live about 40 miles from them in my own home) I have to call to tell them where I am(they"worry") when I get home. They say this is so they don't worry, but oh, yes, forgot to mention that I am a 58 year old widow!!My friends laugh when we're on a vacation because I have to call in or they will call constantly. I go see them at least two times a week. take care of what they'll "let" me but I am getting resentful of a brother that lives 2 miles away and sees them twice a year! yep, he's the golden boy. but, mom does say each night that she loves me and is appreciative of every thing I do for them. So, I guess I am lucky there, but exhausted from the arguments, denials, etc from dad.

dad falls down a lot but won't use a walker. He weights about 135 and is 6'2. I am shocked he hasnt broken anything. Mom is deaf and so he lies there until she figures out he hasnt come back or in some cases, a neighbor will hear him and go help. I have been there and witnessed it. I cannot lift him and cannot even see how mom does. He refuses a life alert. I can't stand the arguements with him so I say "oh well, you will fall get hurt and have to go to a home then". but I feel so guilty that I call and apologize. He wins again. He doesnt realize that I am trying to help him.

azbill they never do hun. Even when the worst happens and they break something (My Mum broke her hip) they still dont learn I have to watch her ALL the time when she starts to feel good - that is when she thinks she's damned invincible again and whoops on the floor we go. Do you know WHY he refuses a life alert - Mum didnt want to wear one round her neck but was quite happy to wear one on her wrist that looked more like a watch. Try to find out what his issue is hun xxxx

I watch my 2yr old grandson 2x a week. Days when my husband is here to take him if Mom needs me. I had someone say to me that I should stop watching him and make Mom my priority. This is the only time we see him. I want to enjoy him while he is small. I don't feel I need to give up everything. With her being with us we just can't get up and go. Everything needs to be planned so I can have someone with her. As the oldest and the one who lives the closest its always been me. My Mom was a good mother but...I want my life back. (babysat ft for 20months for GS) We r retired and want to enjoy this time because u .. never know. Hoping to sell her house so she can go to a local AL.

Understand how u feel about visiting. I would only stay an hour or so when we visited the hospital and rehab. I felt guilty but I can only tell her so much. Don't like just sitting around either. I think u r doing enough. She has another daughter who can share the time.

I have found, like in instance that the child who does nothing is loved more than the child who does it all. Never understood it. What goes around comes around. Your sister will pay for her selfcentered attitude. Do what u can when u can. Enjoy those grands while they are young. I've been told enjoy ur Mom because she won"t be here much longer. Meaning to put my gs aside. I look at it as I've had the best years with Mom. I'm there for her but she could live another ten years. That takes a chunk of my GSs life and at 65 mine.

Stop feeling guilty. You are and have done a lot more for ur Mom than some would have.

Forgot to say, that with Dementia they have no concept of time. She probably doesn't realize how long it has been since you've been there. She may even say u never come to visit when u were there the day before. Its the desease and u can't take it personally.

As long as Mom is safe and well cared for you have done your best so enjoy your grand son and make preparations for Mom so you and hubby can have free time in your retirement.

I fully understand how you feel. My mother was a devil. The most evil person I have ever met in my life. When I was about 12/13 years she said right into my face that she wished I never was born. Oh happy days !! Can you imagine how I felt ? I presume you do. During years / decades I have tried to do my utmost to "serve" her, to arrange paper work, to help her when dad became ill. But it was never enough. My sis left home at 18. I had left home at 19, and my brother also at 18. But my sis never came back during all the subsequent years. My brother and myself we visited her, when dad was still alive, but specially after he had passed away. And when we both helped her to arrange the funeral, she started screaming : you are just here for the money. But keep it in mind : No single penny you will get. My goodness. I even had never thought of any money. Neither my brother. And she started throwing cups and glasses to our head. So we took our clothes and left. But then my sis showed up. crawling at mom's feet like a snake, and mom felt so so good. At the funeral, she held mom's arm, dried her tears, etc.. I could not stand it, and left the church. Sorry for my brother, but I COULD NOT !!
She is in a hospice now, and in the beginning I went 3 to 4 times a year - it is about 1h30' to get there - but because so was so thankful (I - the only one - took care of new clothing aso. when she needed them) that I have stopped my visits. It's now more than 3 years that I don't go anymore. Also because of suffering from lower back pains, but more and more because I really do not want to see her again. Why should I spent time for someone who hated me. I can only say this : be happy with your grandchildren and enjoy their presence. Take care and start loving yourself !! This is of utmost importance. You have missed so many love so now it is time to think of yourself. This is not egoistic. This is necessary to have an acceptable life. With you lots of strength and much warm hugs.

I know some will disagree but if this woman didnt have dementia would you have gone to see her? NO Why? Because she was a hateful woman BEFORE dementia set in. So dont feel guilt now. Some people are nice all their lives and then dementia turns them - for those people hate the disease not the person.

For those of you who have experience a hateful parent ALL their lives there is no guilt and if dementia means she no longer understands - that is not your cross to bear either. The damage she did to you far far outweighs anything you have ever done to her and now is not a time to try and turn back the clock - it wont serve any purpose other than to drag you down that road again.