Mom's in geriatric psychiatric facility. Do I have to take her back? Can I say I am not able to care for her?

Just so everyone knows, the board and care home, 10 maximum residents, that my dad was in, was only 1,300.00 monthly. That was the total cost for a shared room. So they do exist and they are called ALs.

Gracie, I truly wouldn't worry about the furnishings, odds are that it is goodwill and yard sale stuff, nothing wrong with that.

When you accept residents with behavioral issues you can not have top quality furnishings, things get ruined and it is easier to let things slide when they aren't costing you thousands of dollars for nice furnishings to be replaced.

I recommend that you don't even get into how shabby the place is with your mom, unless you are prepared to be her full-time caregiver again. What matters is the care she gets in the AL.

I would be happy dancing that she was accepted from the psych unit, you can read here story after story about no facility will accept a resident because of their psych issues.

Gracie, please except what is being provided, Your Mom will just have to adjust. She really has no choice. Her Dementia has gotten to the point that you cannot care for her. The SW found a place for her. At this point, all turned out the way you wanted it too. You know can go to work and come home and relax. You will get a goid nights sleep. Mom is where she needs to be. Probably would not be happy with any facility she was sent to.

I would stay away for a few days. Good there r no phones, she doesn't need one. If she gets to one and calls you, if she starts complaining tell her that is where, for now, she needs to be. If she continues to complain, tell her ur hanging up. Be strong!😊 You now have freedom.

I just came back from the AL my mom will be going into. It's a group home setting. She will share a bedroom and bathroom. I think there are about 10 residents. Meals are provided and medication is administered. All the furnishings look straight out of the goodwill. Not sure how a prima dona, spoiled BPD, will adapt. No TV in the room, no phones in the room - these are located in a cental family room. The best thing about this place was the gardens. I can see why this place is so cheap. It's locked down from 9:00 pm until 6:00 am. The neighborhood is fine - not dangerous or anything.

@graciekelli

The AL is willing to "work" with your mother's budget because they accept Medicaid. Very few do and I've never known one who accepted it without a certain amount of time being paid in cash by a new resident moving in.
The $1300 a month that your mother is paying is her share of the bill. The rest will be covered by Medicaid. No AL facility costs $1300 a month.
You both got lucky finding this AL. The facility will also take care of business with Medicaid too.

Absolutely! We did it. You do NOT have to take her.

New Update: SW called me yesterday and I was busy at work so he left a VM. That message said he found a place for my mom. I called him back and he gave me very vague details. The address, the amount it would cost. When I asked him questions what the monthly cost included, he really couldn't answer me. It was so annoying. He said you can call over there and ask. I was thinking..."isn't this your job?" He said it's not the Taj Mahal or anything... Well for $1300 a month, we are not expecting the Taj Mahal, but I am also not paying anything towards my mother's care so I wanted to be sure there were no extra costs.

Anyway, I did call the facility and it is a typical assisted living facility they prepare meals, manage medication and provide typical assistance that my mother will need. It's furnished. She only needs her personal stuff and I will be going there today to pay for her first month's rent and deposit. She just barely has enough to cover the cost of this facility. I will also set up direct monthly payment to the facility. I also told the SW that they will need to transport her from their facility to the AL facility, because I don't want to have any issues with something happening and her not being delivered to her new home and me being "stuck" with her again.

It does seem like I am finally out of this huge burden and I want to thank all of you who have provided me with advise and support to get out of this horrible situation. I know I am not completely "out" of it. But I have my life back. I know she will never be happy and that I will continue to recieve calls and complaints, but now, I can chose to respond or not respond and she is out of my house and I will never allow her to return. These past 2 weeks (that she has been in the facility) have been wonderful and peaceful. Like my DH said, the 15 months of living hell will quickly fade and be a distant memory. But, I will hold that memory as a reminder to never cave again and bring her into my home.

I still hold POA. She is not capable of managing money. My next move is to find an alternative POA for her. She will continue to battle me on needing more money or wanting to buy things she can't afford. I just do not want the constant battles with her.

I will continue to be ever grateful and continue to visit this forum to post and comment about this journey and help others who are in similar situations. I will also let you all know my thoughts on her new AL home.

Gracie,
It might be advisable to not put anything in writing to "report" to a SW anything about yourself, or what you are or are not going to do.

The attorney can explain to you the reasons why.

The case is about your Mom.

SW called me this morning. I had a very busy day at work today so I didn't get a chance to call him back...he never called me back...I am thinking it is better not to jump back to they're every call.

Thank you CTTN and Alvadeer. Your words of wisdome are great reinforcement for me. I will give you an update after I hear back from the SW and since I do still have POA for financial, medical and mental, I will be sending them a copy of my resignation. I will also reach out to an elder attorney to ensure all is in order.

New Update: Received a call from SW this morning asking me about next steps in discharge. I told SW, I don't know. I cannot take care of her and she doesn't have money for AL? He said she would need at least $3,000 a month. I told him that I am not paying for it - he needs to find another option. He said that there aren't any. I told him that I know that. I already tried to find other options and I didn't come up with any. He said that he is meeting with the team later today to go over her assessment and will contact me after that is done.

I'm starting to get worried. It sounds like they won't have anywhere for her to go. What do I do? I know I just need to keep repeating myself that she can't be safely discharged here. What will happen to her? Any advise from all of you would be greatly appreciated.

New update: Nurse called me and told me she has been diagnosed with Boarderline personality disorder, Stage 3 mild dementia Mild dementia decline. Nurse asked me what I do at home to get her to swtich gears. I told her, I agee with the diagnosis, but she needs to add OCD and hoarding. You can't get her to switch gears. She won't stop once she gets a thought in her mind. She is OCD but in a bad way...shopping and hoarding... she is not clean.

Is there any advisr for me ..should I continue to provide information on my mother, or should I seek alteratives, like stop calling me and figure it out youselves... I don't mean to be mean... but I want to cut off everything and get back to my life.

Your mother will not be "on the streets" if you step back.

Call APS and keep answering your phone. Be a broken record and say "No, I will not be taking her back into my home, there is no one to provide care for her here."

I have been reading the comments...should I now stop answering the phone? I really don't know how this works... Now that I have made it clear that she cannot return to my home, should I not return the calls? Should I also send them a copy of my withdrawl of POA on everything? I want to be cooperative, but I am finding that I am telling the same story over and over again. Please let me know what you all think I should do. I need to know from people who have been in the same situation and were successful. That is my goal. Thank you all!!

Barb just remind me of the house thing. Just my opinion, but if you allow the State to take over Moms care, she will be put in a LTC facility. I think by the State being guardian and with Moms mental problems, she will have no problem being placed. Medicaid will have to pay her way. If you don't do this, it will be very hard for you to get her placed.

Releasing my POA. Here in AZ, there is no set legal format for releasing myself as POA. I can voluntarily withdraw at any time and so can my mother. This is good thing.

Update: I spoke to the Social Worker at the facility. I explained everything that was going on over the last 15 months. I told him that she CANNOT come back here. He said that with her limited income, it will be very difficult for them to find a place for her (as she will not qualify for medicaid). I asked about a group home. He said that they will want all her income (1400) a month. I said that's not a problem I don't want POA they can have it. He is going to start working on it. I asked about making her a ward of the state. He didn't respond on that. He said he was going to get with his colleagues and see where he can place her. I made it very clear to him that she could not come back here. He said he would keep me posted. I know it's not over. But I am standing my gound on this.

Social Worker from the Psyche Center called and left me a message. I called back and left him one. I am waiting to hear back. I am so nervous. But, I am sticking to my plan...there is NO WAY, she is coming back in my home. I know they will play hardball with me and start offering all kinds of "free" home health care, help, adult day care, etc...but I am not willing or able to take care for her and I don't want her in my home. These last 4 1/2 days have been such a joy and I feel finally free.

If she has no money and no assets, how could she not qualify for Medicaid? Depending on her overall health, it might be time to consult with Palliative Care or Hospice. At 86 I know that I don't want to "linger" when--for all reasonable intents and purposes--my time has run out.

Today's update. Doctor called me and asked me some questions about my mom and I told him briefly the most concerning behaviors. He asked me if I thought I should still take care of her. I said NO!! I told him I was not equipped to handle all her medical issues or her need for 24 hour care since my husband and I both work and it's not safe for her to be here alone anymore. I told him she really needs to be in AL, but she has no money or savings and is not qualified for Medicaid in my state. He said he agreed -- she needs AL and much more care that I could provide. He said he would get with the Social Worker and find a place for her. Yay! I did it. While I know it's not over yet. I feel like a 2 TON weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Thank you everyone for your help and support. Without this site, I wouldn't know the things I know now. I'll send an update soon.

Why does she not qualify for Medicaid. If she has no assets and no money that doesn't make sense.

And yes, you can refuse to take her back. You will need to make it stick with "I am not mentally or physically able to accept her to my home". You may need to give up POA if you have it and can call APS to tell them you can no longer care for her and she must become a ward of the state.

Let the Social Workers at the hospital know at once you will not accept her home. Do not buy any of this "we can help" and "we will make this work". They can't and they won't.

Why does Mom not qualify for Medicaid, is her SS over the income limit?

YES, you can say that you can no longer care for her. You can also give up as POA and allow the State to take over her care. They will find her a placement quicker than you will. If you want nothing to do with Mom's care, thats the way to go.

Yes, this is your Golden Ticket so grab it.

Got it. RN just called and asked me about meds and I plan to call them tomorrow morning to let them know I have decided that I cannot care for her any longer and that she cannot be discharged to me. I will let you know what happens. I am looking for any other advise to help me through this - words of wisdom or anything...my heart is lifting like...I see a way out!

Yes, you can refuse to take her back. as you are not able to give her proper care.

Don't budge from that position when you speak to the discharge people and speak to them soon. As againx says -you don't want them thinking she will go back to you.

Stick to your guns. They know what resources are available.

Wishing you all the best and keep us updated.

This is your golden ticket so take full advantage of it!! DO NOT ACCEPT HER BACK INTO YOUR HOME. Do you have POA? If it's in force (activated if it's the kind depending on her competency), then you can work with the facility to find the right place for her. Options may be limited due to her lack of funds which is a hard truth of elder care, but there are options. Talk to the facility TOMORROW about this so they don't have any grand ideas that you will be picking her up soon. No thank you.

I know it won't be easy but your life right now is anything but easy. After 6 years of my mom living with me and hubby (similar situation to yours!), I was waiting for her to go to the hospital again because she was not going to be coming back home. She'd been hospitalized like 3 years in a row but once I decided it was time, that dried up like a desert! I had to put on my big girl panties, with encouragement from other posters here, to tell her the bad news - that she was moving into AL. It was a rough start and she still doesn't love it but it is sooooo much better for me.

Best of luck.