She has had several falls at home, they scared her, and she decided (with our "help") that assisted living was good. After the falls, came 3 weeks of rehab and we finally moved her to her new "home" yesterday. She has dementia and was very confused, overwhelmed and like a deer in headlights. At the end of a very busy day (along w/ a party for the ASL facility for an award won), she wanted her car, her money and to go home! She feels like my sis and I just "left her" there, stranded. We have to work full time, but will see her later today. It is heartbreaking to see. Mom totally forgets that she was actually "excited" about moving here just 3 short weeks ago! Any words of wisdom for her 2 heartbroken daughters?
You expect her to want out; this is a given. Study / educate yourself on what dementia is and how to communicate with a person inflicted with it. The brain has changed / cells are dying and continuing to die. Her behavior will continue to change:
Fearful
Defensive
Confused
Angry
Want to go home
Not trusting (you / family / staff)
Talk to a medical social worker.
Once you understand she will re-act this way and perhaps be more insistent (I want to go home), it is important to know how to manage:
1) Redirect.
- Never argue. Say I understand you feel xxx
You gauge how you respond according to how severe the dementia is.
- Change the subject.
- Give her hope "Yes, we are working on getting you home..."
With dementia, of course she felt excited three weeks ago and doesn't now. This is what dementia is.
Supporting her daughters:
- Listen. They need to get their feelings out. Emotionally it is heart wrenching.
- Educate. on what dementia is to understand how to proceed (google Teepa Snow) / Watch her webinars or You Tubes.
To the person inflicted: You give HOPE and stay COMPASSIONATE.
- You learn what and how to give non-verbal cues, i.e.
--- smile
--- tone of voice (soft)
--- make eye contact
--- gentle touches as they are receptive
Get this book:
The 36-Hour Day - 7th ed. - A Family guide to caring for people who have alz disease and other dementias by Nancy L. Mace, MA, and Pater V. Rabins, MD, MPH.
Read this article:
8 Types of Dementia and How to Recognize Their Symptoms, According to Experts-Because Alzheimer’s disease isn’t the only one to have on your radar
As the daughters may need, hire a medical social worker to support and help manage this new situation / transition. Make sure all legal matters are in order.
Give the mother a hug and tell her you love her. Gena
Needless to say he HATES his MC facility and voices it to anyone who will listen. Our visits revolve around me needing to get him out, why havent I gotten him out, its my fault etc. I have reminded him that he hated living alone, he hated living with us, he hated the ALF and now he hates the MC. When I visit I never know if I am going to get a small moment with the OLD grandpa I remember OR this angry person who has tormented me and my family for the last 5 years. I am the only one left in the family who still speaks to him (ALL other members quit years before he was diagnosed) and I am his POA so I feel an obligation to continue to try. He has put me through the worst times of my life and still tries when he can. Anytime he meets a new person he tells them I am forcing him to live there even though he is FINE, and that he needs to call a lawyer to sue me. He gets hospitalized for something and tells every doctor that he is being forced to live outside of his home and that I am stealing from him. (using HIS money to pay for HIS facility is stealing in his mind since he does not want to be there) Then when he tells me he wants to go home I tell him that all the accusations he has made and terrible things he has said have made it impossible to come home with me, then he claims he never said any of that stuff and everyone is lying to me. ( I have documents from APS where he claimed all this not once, not twice but three times)
I am in therapy and see him MAYBE twice a month. Generally one of those visits is terrible and I have to walk out. My anxiety is SKY HIGH everytime I even think about visiting. I feel for you that you have so much love for your mom and want her to be happy.
I have found this forum to be very helpful and I think all the answers are pretty much agreeing that she needs some time to acclimate. Sometimes they do and sometimes they dont. There are residents at my grandpas facility who are happy and smiling and friendly but then there is him who is always scowling and complaining.
her dementia has increased to the point that she would not survive a day out on her own, but luckily she doesn’t seem to remember living by herself.
ironically her disease will make this easier on her and on you two, in time, meanwhile, either redirect, ignore, or ask the staff what they recommend. that’s what they’re there for.
It is heartbreaking to watch your parent go through these changes.
I think some people think they find the “perfect place” at the beginning. In my opinion there is no perfect place. We have just moved my mother for the third time in a year. We did make a mistake putting her in AL instead of MC. If your parent has dementia, it will only get worse so might as well start with MC to avoid moving.
Originally I would go visit almost all day everyday, then again at bedtime to help acclimate her. I’m not so sure that’s the best way. I think it caused her to be too dependent on me being there.
She moved to a MC yesterday and we only visited her for about two hours today. We will try this and see if it works better. I do NOT agree with not seeing them at all for two weeks. They are fragile and need to not feel they’ve been abandoned. 🙏
Another lady had moved in on the same day as my mom and that lady was more than a "deer in the headlights", as you say. She wasn't at all quiet about her anger at the situation. Funny thing though, this lady took a liking to my mom, while everyone else in the facility she saw as terrible, stupid, mean, or criminal. One day during the first week she and my mom were caught walking away from the facility adorably holding hands. When the director caught up with them, one house away, the lady said they were going for a glass of wine and a movie. The director told them they forgot their wallets and led them back. The lady eventually had to be moved out, as she was way too much trouble. But my mom stayed and everyone there loved her.
There will be so many stories to remember and tell about this stage of your mom's life. Some funny, some sad. Buckle up and enjoy whatever you can on the ride.
good luck! Let the caregivers lead, you have to let her acclimate! It’s like a toddler and the first day of daycare!
Second, often people in senior facilities will do very well on their own but as soon as a family member appears they become full of woe and beg to leave. They are kind of like a child who cries every day about going to school but when you peek at them in their classroom they are engaged and fine.
Third, if she continues to be overwhelmed, you may find memory care a better fit.
But she will settle in. Just give it time, for all of you. Keep us posted on how it's going.
If it is possible to get her into MC and out of AL I think that would be better for her.
MC is going to be smaller, not as much going on so there will be less confusion.
I think a busy day then a party for the facility that she right now has very little connection with was a bit much.
No matter where she is she will want to go home.
She will not be "happy" to be left there by the people that she relies on and trusts. She is going to have to learn to rely and trust the staff. that can take some time so you need to be patient.
Memory care is probably the best place if you can afford it!
I talked to the staff to find out how she was adjusting and get to know them. A few residents were very kind to me too. Assuring me she was doing fine. I worried she’d never be able to find her apartment, the dining room or check her mailbox. But when I backed off the staff did their job and took care of her, helped her get adjusted and they assured me she was doing fine. The place your mom is at won an award for something - so I think that is positive.
I got used to telling her I had to go home even though she would whine. I hated that but I went stealth and tuned it out knowing she’s being well taken care of when I’m not there.
I experienced remorse, grief, and often pondered moving her into my home. But knew I just had to stick with it and with time we would both adjust.
Reading posts and responses on this forum helps me keep things in perspective and shortens any bouts of sadness and grief I have. This is a universal experience and so many have wisdom to share.
Today, just over a year later, she’s content and has accepted where she is in life. She knows where everything is and checks her mailbox on her own. She looks better than she has in years, wears earrings, changes her
clothes more often, and eats better food than she did at home on her own.
I still see her twice a week and I’ve spent a few nights when she was sick or had a fall. She knows I’m close by and love her but that I’m not giving my life over to her and she never wanted that.
Hang in there and just visit every few days. It will help her adjust and give you a healthy break. You will both have good days and bad days (or weeks), but stick to the plan and give the plan a chance to work.
My mom was not thrilled about AL after moving from IL after a fall and rehab. But she admitted the food was better. She complained about not being able to play as much bridge, but now she has picked up other games including mahjong. She has new friends, including a new boyfriend of sorts. The new place has 2 happy hours a week, and now with the assistance, she goes on the weekly outings and shopping trips that she mostly missed in IL. Long story short, it's been a year and she is now very content and her cognition actually seems to have improved. The stress of being more independent was clearly taking a toll.
"Mom totally forgets that she was actually "excited" about moving here just 3 short weeks ago!" Yup, and she will forget what you say to her about it today and forget why she went there (no matter how much you remind her) and she will keep forgetting, wherever she is. It's a sad truth but in a way, it's comforting because forgetting means that she forgets the sad things she's thinking about today.
When dementia walks in the door, happy flies out. Keep that in mind, and don't keep breaking your hearts over and over time and again. Accept that this is how she is now and that she is exactly where she needs to be. Eventually, if you let her be, things will even out and she'll only know her here and now in the facility.
Best of luck on this difficult journey.
Remind her of the perks...no more cooking, cleaning and laundry! Mention this every visit, how "lucky she is."
You may need to stay away the first few weeks, see what they say.
Don't feel guilty, you are doing exactly the right thing to keep your Mom safe. Nobody likes getting old and having these problems.
However, there's a significant financial aspect to consider as well. If we live more than a few years longer, we might outlive our resources and need Medicaid--if it's still available. That could mean a much less desirable facility. We do NOT expect our family to use any of their funds to support us. I wonder how many of my fellow old-oldies are concerned about this issue.
Doesn't everyone?
As my brother said to me: "Hon, it's like when I was younger and in the Army. I don't much like it but I make the best out of it".
Let your mother be unhappy about this. Isn't that normal? She has sustained another awful loss, her home. Wouldn't you grieve that? Let her say how sad she is, listen, and tell her you are so sorry, that you realize this is a huge loss, that you hope with time she will adjust to make use of some of the finer things about this.
If not? She's had a long life. There were many times it was less than perfect. And she had to sit and understand that she had love, a roof over her head, and that was more than so many.
Here is the KEY to this. You and Sis need to get to your core that
YOU didn't cause this.
YOU can't fix this
THIS is sad, but the right word is grief, not guilt.
AND you cannot be responsible for the happiness of everyone.
Life isn't about happiness, and especially the end of life isn't; at 83 I can ASSURE you of that.
Cling together, but stop looking for answers where there are none. You can't afford to expend that kind of energy.
Don't beat yourself up, it is normal to long for what was.