She has had several falls at home, they scared her, and she decided (with our "help") that assisted living was good. After the falls, came 3 weeks of rehab and we finally moved her to her new "home" yesterday. She has dementia and was very confused, overwhelmed and like a deer in headlights. At the end of a very busy day (along w/ a party for the ASL facility for an award won), she wanted her car, her money and to go home! She feels like my sis and I just "left her" there, stranded. We have to work full time, but will see her later today. It is heartbreaking to see. Mom totally forgets that she was actually "excited" about moving here just 3 short weeks ago! Any words of wisdom for her 2 heartbroken daughters?
Doesn't everyone?
As my brother said to me: "Hon, it's like when I was younger and in the Army. I don't much like it but I make the best out of it".
Let your mother be unhappy about this. Isn't that normal? She has sustained another awful loss, her home. Wouldn't you grieve that? Let her say how sad she is, listen, and tell her you are so sorry, that you realize this is a huge loss, that you hope with time she will adjust to make use of some of the finer things about this.
If not? She's had a long life. There were many times it was less than perfect. And she had to sit and understand that she had love, a roof over her head, and that was more than so many.
Here is the KEY to this. You and Sis need to get to your core that
YOU didn't cause this.
YOU can't fix this
THIS is sad, but the right word is grief, not guilt.
AND you cannot be responsible for the happiness of everyone.
Life isn't about happiness, and especially the end of life isn't; at 83 I can ASSURE you of that.
Cling together, but stop looking for answers where there are none. You can't afford to expend that kind of energy.
I talked to the staff to find out how she was adjusting and get to know them. A few residents were very kind to me too. Assuring me she was doing fine. I worried she’d never be able to find her apartment, the dining room or check her mailbox. But when I backed off the staff did their job and took care of her, helped her get adjusted and they assured me she was doing fine. The place your mom is at won an award for something - so I think that is positive.
I got used to telling her I had to go home even though she would whine. I hated that but I went stealth and tuned it out knowing she’s being well taken care of when I’m not there.
I experienced remorse, grief, and often pondered moving her into my home. But knew I just had to stick with it and with time we would both adjust.
Reading posts and responses on this forum helps me keep things in perspective and shortens any bouts of sadness and grief I have. This is a universal experience and so many have wisdom to share.
Today, just over a year later, she’s content and has accepted where she is in life. She knows where everything is and checks her mailbox on her own. She looks better than she has in years, wears earrings, changes her
clothes more often, and eats better food than she did at home on her own.
I still see her twice a week and I’ve spent a few nights when she was sick or had a fall. She knows I’m close by and love her but that I’m not giving my life over to her and she never wanted that.
Hang in there and just visit every few days. It will help her adjust and give you a healthy break. You will both have good days and bad days (or weeks), but stick to the plan and give the plan a chance to work.
"Mom totally forgets that she was actually "excited" about moving here just 3 short weeks ago!" Yup, and she will forget what you say to her about it today and forget why she went there (no matter how much you remind her) and she will keep forgetting, wherever she is. It's a sad truth but in a way, it's comforting because forgetting means that she forgets the sad things she's thinking about today.
When dementia walks in the door, happy flies out. Keep that in mind, and don't keep breaking your hearts over and over time and again. Accept that this is how she is now and that she is exactly where she needs to be. Eventually, if you let her be, things will even out and she'll only know her here and now in the facility.
Best of luck on this difficult journey.
Don't beat yourself up, it is normal to long for what was.
Remind her of the perks...no more cooking, cleaning and laundry! Mention this every visit, how "lucky she is."
You may need to stay away the first few weeks, see what they say.
Don't feel guilty, you are doing exactly the right thing to keep your Mom safe. Nobody likes getting old and having these problems.
However, there's a significant financial aspect to consider as well. If we live more than a few years longer, we might outlive our resources and need Medicaid--if it's still available. That could mean a much less desirable facility. We do NOT expect our family to use any of their funds to support us. I wonder how many of my fellow old-oldies are concerned about this issue.
good luck! Let the caregivers lead, you have to let her acclimate! It’s like a toddler and the first day of daycare!
Second, often people in senior facilities will do very well on their own but as soon as a family member appears they become full of woe and beg to leave. They are kind of like a child who cries every day about going to school but when you peek at them in their classroom they are engaged and fine.
Third, if she continues to be overwhelmed, you may find memory care a better fit.
But she will settle in. Just give it time, for all of you. Keep us posted on how it's going.
My mom was not thrilled about AL after moving from IL after a fall and rehab. But she admitted the food was better. She complained about not being able to play as much bridge, but now she has picked up other games including mahjong. She has new friends, including a new boyfriend of sorts. The new place has 2 happy hours a week, and now with the assistance, she goes on the weekly outings and shopping trips that she mostly missed in IL. Long story short, it's been a year and she is now very content and her cognition actually seems to have improved. The stress of being more independent was clearly taking a toll.
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