Mom's doctor is dismissive of me and tells me my DPOA doesn't mean anything. Thoughts?

Unless this MD is expert in legal matters, it seems inappropriate for her to suggest that somehow, due to FAMILY DYNAMICS, a POA may not be legitimate. If she feels the POA is, for some reason faulty, she should suggest you seek legal advice. (At least that how it seems to me.)

POA notwithstanding, If you or your mother are suggesting something she deems MEDICALLY unwise, she is duty-bound not to comply. And she should explain to you, from a MEDICAL standpoint, why. She should consider both reasonable medical practice plus your and your mother's preferences. But she should NOT worry about being legally liable if she follows her best medical instincts.

Would you feel obliged to accept your attorney's recommendation for MEDICAL treatment of your mother?

I just got our wills and POA out of the desk as the MC facility needs a copy when my husband goes for Respite care

Our document is titled Durable POA for Medical and Financial Decisions and HIPAA Release Authorization.
Our attorney also had us sign Guardianship designations. I am my husband's guardian, and my nephew, then niece is my guardian.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. The last person you need added stress from is the doctor. My 1st thought - find a new doctor. I had to do that while advocating for my mother. I realized that her doctor at that time did NOT know what to do and when I put pressure on her to answer questions and manage the dementia meds, she dealt with it by pushing back on me rather than addressing my mother's needs. Ask friends who their parents see, look up - local physicians who are trained in geriatrics- and then read their info and look at the ratings from their patients. I told my mother that I had found a new doctor who specialized in caring for her generation and knew about the newest medications that would help with her needs. She was pretty excited to get the most up-to-date and specialized care. It made changing doctors more of a positive experience rather than a negative one.
Next thought - you do have a say and your mother is blessed to have you advocating for her! People with dementia develop many ways to cope and 'hide' their lack of decision-making ability. My mom would say "yes" to all answers because she wanted to be cooperative and not cause trouble. Plus, she was taught and always maintained that what the doctor said was non-negotiable. She thought her doctor was sweet and so she would smile and say Yes or avoid the issue completely by changing the subject! I would listen to her give 'her version of the answer and then I would ask her if I could give the doctor some info too. That way she was still involved and didn't feel I was talking over her and she was appreciative of that. There were times that I had to use the excuse that I had forgotten to get a printout of a prescription refill so she would wait while I went back and talked to the doctor 1:1. You can call the office before an appointment to offer info ahead of time so the doctor will walk in already updated. Then as he/she talks with your mom, her version can be compared to the info you provided. That's one way for the doctor to assess your mom's degree of deficit. If there is a way to send a message to the doctor through an APP for the system he/she works with, that is the best way to communicate directly. Once you have a doctor who respects your mom's decision to name you as her DPOA, you will feel much better about advocating for her and being heard. I had to carefully pass a note to an ER nurse once because she was asking my mom all of the questions and ignoring me and I needed her to know to include me too! The nurse had not even looked at the problem list to see that Alzheimer's Dementia was on there.
I'm a nurse and deal with Durable Power of Attorney documents all of the time. Having experienced being a DPOA personally, it has helped me realize the difficulties family members deal with when professionals (doctors, nurses, etc) do not understand their obligation to comply. It is not easy to fulfill the role you have been asked to take on. Talk to your mom about your concerns and that you will always be looking out for her best interests and that she will get the best medical care possible. Trust works both ways and she will know that when you do speak up, what your intentions are.
Lastly, write everything down or get the doctor to print out all instructions. It will help BOTH you and your mom to keep things straight as she will not remember the instructions as you will.

All my best to you and your mom!
Cindy

Get another doctor.

There is only one answer to this, find another MD. No not easy but does mom really like her? I can relate to all you do as I am caring for both parents to some extent myself. Mom in the past month or so became more incontinent and had a couple non injury falls and being diagnosed several years back with dementia, I contacted a hospice organization. It has helped, but also added burdens to my life I had not anticipated...but the main thing is mom is home, and is being kept clean and comfortable. However the hospice MD was assigned to her care since I had no faith in the primary care she had been seeing. SOB at one point made a comment of doing whatever he could to help, then refused to sign the referral to hospice because he had not seen her in so long. Hospice MD visited for the first time a couple weeks back, and decided to prescribe a black box rated anti psychotic which I objected to, at least not without the blessings of her neurologist whom I trust. Mind you they HAD a fantastic and comforting and understand primary MD who left the system....Anyhow, nurse in neurologists office reminded me both competing systems here had visiting MD programs and while they do not typically keep or take on hospice patients, I plead our case and they were kind enough to make an exception. Hoping this works out. There is something you can check/confirm with elder law attorney because I do think one has to be incapacitated for the POA to take effect...but double check. ANd regardless, the MD is an a$$. Clueless about being the adult caregiver child. She sees you not as the ally she should if she cares about her patient getting the best care, but as a pain in the neck. No need to tolerate that with all the rest you are dealing with. Sending hugs. PS....when the wonderful doc my folks had departed I was devastated...especially because I knew how the story would or could end, and I felt very comfortable opening up to him and knew he would be supportive and caring of ME if things took a turn. The wonderful folks are out there, it just is hard to find them. Wishing you and your family all the best....

report her and never go back to her. What kind of doctor is that and maybe she shouldn't be a doctor anymore.Just because your mother had this doctor for a long time doesn't mean its not time to change. I took my father to a podiastrist one time, the doctor walked in, didn't say anything to me, took like 2 minutes with my dad and walked out. I told the receptionist about the attitude and we NEVER went back to that person again..........what a joke. some doctors think they are God and everyone else is below them.........I sure wish you luck and get your mother to someone else. Ask around in your area for references for another doctor that deals with elderly patients.

Pull out the papers with the written Durable Power of Attorney on it and read it .. Or call the attorney that put it together for you .. or better yet visit the attorney again . Make sure mom has signed the permission papers in the doctors office to share all info with you . It seem obvious that the doctor has no respect for you for some reason and needs to be reminder that your mom it there to see her for her own health , not your dads .. consider a change of doctors.

Sounds like the doctor has had bad experiences with patient's adult children - or just doesn't believe in the need for Adult children's assistance. Anyway those are her issues . Sounds like she wants you to change doctors, and is being as unprofessional as possible.
If your parent had a medical issue, you would want clear communication, not a dr who had a resistant attitude.
Hope a new dr can be found

You may not have adequate documentation. Before my aunt became incompetent, she had gone to her own attorney. He initiated 4 documents to put me in charge at any point in time:

1) Non- springing durable power of attorney (this is for financial decisions, and non springing means that it is active immediately upon signing, and has does not have anything to do with the person's health condition or competency.)

2) Durable power of attorney for health care

3) HIPAA forms

4) Last will and testament

Since, she owned real property, especially in California, she should have had a Trust, but that's not what was set up. In our case, it didn't matter because I ended up selling her house well before she died, and I was already named on all of her bank accounts, so probate never became a requirement.

It was only numbers two and three that her medical providers were interested in.

Correct paperwork AND a new doctor if the attitude and behavior continue.

I am not sure any of the first few answers are correct about POA's and Durable POAs...My mother lived in Ohio. Her regular POA was only good as long as she was NOT incapacitated. My understanding is that a Durable POA is good before and after the person in mentally incapacitated. On the person's death, then the primary .....of the will takes over. I don't think getting a medical POA is that difficult, so maybe that would solve the whole problem with this doctor.

I did not see where the poster said her mothers Dr only sees her 2X year. Her mother must be pretty healthy if this is the case. I think I would have a sit-down with the Dr with your mother there, and explain your role as you see it. Have your mother speak up after that and let the Dr know this is what she wants. (Let her use her own words - you might even learn something different than what you believe, but at least the air will be truly cleared.) If the doctor still has an "attitude", I would change doctors. Surely your whole family could back you up and show APS, if they are even involved, that all is as you say it is. Your mother - and you- are definitely blessed to have such a united and supportive family.

I posted a summary for those coming here recently. Let's summarize more.
REGARDLESS of what the POA says, OP posted this:

"...we signed her office's consent form? Why does she feel unwelcoming of my presence? I know she's not there for ME but, she needs to understand I am there for my MOM."

DOC should have ZERO issues with OP.

First I would need to know if you have only a Business DPOA or if you have a Medical POA or Medical Directive or whatever your state calls the medical document. In our state -Ohio_- fortunately there is a line that can be selected indicating that the Agent can have access to and discuss medical issues even if Mom still has her faculties. Mom is in charge as long as she is capable, but IF that line is indicated assistence does not have to wait for Mom to become incompetant . Again, a business DPOA only helps for bills and accounts and paperwork. In most states these medical directives can be very flexible and if it does not have the language, prepare one with the language that allows y ou
access and input. Otherwise, if doctor does not want to work with you- find another.

Simple Answer! FIND A NEW DOCTOR. This one is not only detrimental to you, but ultimately to your Mother. Any Doctor that refuses to recognize a DPOA will most likely not have the best interests of the patient in mind either.

The Other Question is has your mother gotten an MPOA which is a Medical Full Power of Attorney. I had both DPOA and MPOA for mother and there was NEVER a question about either. Your mother must have this before being incapacitated. The way I read your problem, this doctor would need to see this before following your mothers requests. Which in all ise really stupid. My Mothers doctors were so glad to have Mom's children involved they nearly did a "Dance".

If this doctor is unwilling to change her attitude, then find a primary care doctor that deals well with seniors and then go from there. Your mother would be required to sign to have records transferred, but that is easy.

Neither you nor your mother have to put up with this doctors attitudes.

Good luck and God Bless

Since you and your moms dr clash, it would probably be best if you switched doctors. If that is ok with your mom.

DTOiler - someone mentioned checking your messages. If you haven't found it yet (I did reply to that, but it's buried nice and deep in all these comments!), there are 2 ways:

If you click on the "D" at the upper right, select Activity from the menu displayed (guessing the letter would correspond to the first letter of your username - since mine is also D, it's a guess, but it makes sense!) Then click the arrow next to All Activity and select Messages.

Alternatively, you can click on any of your username links (DTOiler blue), from original post or any comments you've made. At the top of the profile page, select Activity, then the arrow next to All Activity and finally Messages.

They've recently updated it so now Messages will show any messages you posted to someone else or messages posted to you (I find the addition of those messages I've posted to others kind of annoying, but I don't run the site!)

You can also post messages to others separate from this thread by selecting their username links (for instance disgustedtoo in blue), scroll down a bit and there's a message box. You can click/select the Private Message box if you only want that person to see your message, otherwise, we can all see it too, if we select their username.

Doctor is trying to cut your mom loose and wants to get out before she declines further. Many doctors secretly want to deal with younger patients, so if anything could go wrong, they would not be blamed for it.

Some highlights and summary for anyone newly joining this "discussion" and some rebukes for the ASSUMERS.

There are a lot of comments now, and responses to them, and all too often people don't read them. Sometimes people don't even fully read the original post and/or misunderstand what was written before responding.

OP's additional comments (there are MANY more, but these are important to read BEFORE you decide to post a comment):

"My mother shows no signs of abuse or neglect and has told this doctor 3 times, I care for her and she relies on me."

"...we signed her office's consent form? Why does she feel unwelcoming of my presence? I know she's not there for ME but, she needs to understand I am there for my MOM."

"My only issue or question is, if she needs my mom to tell her 3 times my role, and she undermines my role in her caregiving - will she work with me as my mother becomes more reliant. Everyone seems to think I am inserting myself when I was just trying to establish the connection now that mom is beginning to need more and ASKED me to be a part of her visits. The problem is, the doctor doesn't seem to recognize it. My DPOA includes medical and financial. IT is NOT a springing POA. I've signed her office's required Consent form. That was all before this last episode of asking whether or not my siblings knew I was taking care of things for her."

NOTA BENE: POA includes medical, POA was provided as a reasonable responsible thing to do, mom consented to having OP present AND they've done the office CONSENT FORM. Also, doctor was informed by mom THREE different times what the relationship is between her and OP. If one has POA documents, doesn't it make more sense to have it on file at the doc office, rather than trying to scramble to find it and provide it in an emergency? Huh, peeps? How is providing legal documents a BAD thing? How is getting them on file suddenly twisted into OP taking control? You ASSUMERs need to get a life and stop assuming.

OP and mom's decision"

"It's okay though as mom and I have decided together on a course of action to speak with her about my role. Coming once more from mom...then we'll see about the next step."

GardenArtist posted this, which IS very important:

"If a doctor doesn't respect the patient's family, would I want to continue with him or her?  The answer is no.  I think that a doctor who criticizes a family member can w/o realizing it undercut the patient's relationship to that family member, and to me that's inexcusable."

As mom ages, she may become more reliant on OP. Dismissing OP now or not taking her seriously undermines mom's care, We need to know that a LO's doctor can work with the family as well as with the patient. I've dismissed doctors who didn't take me seriously, for my own medical needs, for my kids when young, for my cats and for my mother. I won't tolerate doctors who won't work with us, together, in our journey. In the case of kids and pets, they CAN'T speak for themselves. For aging LOs, they still can speak for themselves, but often don't or forget. It NEVER hurts to have another set of ears to hear the suggestions or instructions and it NEVER hurts to have someone who might be able to provide some enlightenment.

For all those naysayers who are assuming too much and spewing opinionated foolish comments, who spends more time with our kids, pets, aging LOs, the doctor or us? This doc sees mom twice a year for about 10 or 15 minutes and clearly doesn't LISTEN to her. YOU all think you know best? I think not.

Imho change your mother's physician IMMEDIATELY. The present one is, for all intents and purposes, VERY unprofessional, to say the least. The physician should be reported to her superior. She treated you in a very demeaning manner. I would not tolerate it.

My parents had DPOAs and Medical POAs. They had to sign permissions with each doctor that I was allowed to discuss their medical issues with the drs. A regular POA only allows you to act for them in financial matters, not Medical. I had to provide copies of the MPOA to each provider and medical facility. I learned to never go to any medical appointment without copies of all the documents because the hospital ALWAYS asked for a copy.

I suggest you schedule a one-on-one meeting with the doctor and calmly discuss the issues. Take your brother if possible so she knows you are in accord. And ask her what kind of documentation she would like to have that would make her more comfortable including you in the consultations. If your mother likes this doctor and wants to continue to see her you should work it out.

I. Am. Speechless. "Do the other children know?" What the h*ll. We all love our parents but none of us signed up for this. I have a DPOA for my mom (and my dad before he died) and no one has ever questioned it.

I would find another doctor. You and your mother do not deserve to be treated like that.

I don't deal with doctor's attitudes. Besides you, it has to stress your Mom too. Fire his butt...

Sounds like this doctor is too opinionated and is doing her best to control the situation. As holder of the DPOA for your mother you absolutely do have the right to speak for you mother since she has assigned you this responsibility. Really kind of interesting and almost sounds as if SHE (doctor) thinks that SHE has been appointed with the DPOA. I would check with your attorney on this one. The doc is clearly overstepping here. Good luck!

Maybe it's time for another doctor for your Mom, if she agrees to it. Look for a doctor who specializes in geriatric medicine. You want a doctor who is sensitive to the issues of an elderly person, who doesn't over medicate, and who will treat you like a member of the team who are caring for your mother.

I am wondering why so many people are accusing the doctor of improper attitude when she is correctly explaining what a DPOA means. "Full DPOA" is still a DPOA. You need to understand what that mans and when it is effective. If you want immediate POA and/or Medical Advocacy privileges, then you and your mother need different documents. Your writing the checks and taking care of your mother at home is fine, but that is not a POA nor a Medical Surrogacy in the legal sense.

The doctor is right. The power kicks in when your mom becomes incapacitated. Don’t rush that.

Why do you need the doctor (or anyone else’s) approval? It shouldn’t matter whether you get the “credit.” What you are doing to help is between you and your Mom. (Or between you and your mom and God, if you’re religious). No one else’s opinion matters. No one else may appreciate you anyway.

Get a Lawyer, Get a new Doctor, report Doctor to medical board.
The more we stand up for our rights. The easier it is for the next person down the road.

My God Father/ Uncle takes my Grandma to Kaiser. There are no issues like this.

All of the responses that say change doctors are absolutely wrong. Old people are creatures of habit, and upsetting that with different doctors, routines, moving them, moving things in their homes, all of this is far more upsetting to your mom than you know. Deal with it. Get over psychoanalyzing anything the doctor says. Toughen up a little, alot actually. Work with this doctor. And remember it's your mom's doctor, not yours, you don't get to change it, unless mom's cognition declines dramatically and I would recommend against it then as well.

Two things:

Contact an elder care attorney. The POA for health, finances, and appointment of health care representative on behalf of my brother were all drawn up by an elder care attorney so the wording was correct. I presented these documents to an assisted living facility, doctors, hospitals, hospice, insurance companies and even the utility company. I never had a problem. It was open sesame.

I have to say at the first first appointment with my brother’s oncologist I mentioned I was POA and he brushed it off a little. Maybe he was trying to draw out my brother’s opinion—not that my brother could comprehend much with his brain cancer. I guess he was waiting for my brother to speak up. We didn’t have the problem next time.

But your situation is in a whole other league. I would look for another doctor. Your mom probably won’t be happy about it but it’s becoming impossible to work with this doctor. The doctor needs to include you in the conversation with your mom and it sounds like your mom would probably understand your explanation. I don’t know how your mom would react if you simply stated to her doctor that your family is very close and fully support and appreciate all that you do—in other words respond directly to the doctor when these comments come up. Caregiving is difficult enough without dealing with disrespectful doctors. She has her own agenda going on and it’s interfering with your mom’s care. Good luck.

Get another doctor!!