How can I deal with mom's constant accusations of stealing from her?

Krazy~When my mom was still living at home, she accused us also of stealing from her. I live about 5 minute drive from her house but I would not help her look for her keys, purse, etc. I would just tell her you probably moved it, I do that all time too, just keep looking and you will find it. Everyday it was something that was lost, then she got where she started hiding coffee, laundry soap, dog food...everything she was hiding in the master bedroom that way she could guard it especially at night. When mom moved into AL, sis and I found $1300 she had hidden in a metal box, we had to have a locksmith come out to open the box because we couldn't find a key for it, LOL!! I had my husband remove her ladder from her house so she would try to climb it and she accused him of stealing it, "That man you run around with took my ladder, I want it back or I will call the police." My poor husband was a busy man in my mom's mind because not only was he the man I run around with, he was also my sister's boyfriend, LOL!! Mom told her lady friends and the bank that sis and I were trying to steal her money, but no one paid attention to her because they knew what was going on with her.It is hard to get through this phase of the disease with her but you will.

screw maturity with a carbide, concrete cutting chainsaw. read up about the capgras effect. pretty soon youll be trying to kill her and youll be an imposter too. it would pay you to make a call to your local police and tell them youve got a certified nut case in your home and not to be sending any swat teams out. they will understand exactly what you mean as there are similar cases in many households per jurisdiction. her delusional drivel could get you shot in your sleep if the cops arent given a heads up.
sadly as we try to deal with this disease of aging we are constantly mired in guilt and feelings of inadequacy. thats frustrating and if i ever figure out why ill gladly share the reasoning. i cant make an ill crazy persons life meaningful or make them happy. its a fridge too freaking far..

you havent lived until you see your ( then ) 75 yr old mother shakily fire up a joint. mom only tried it twice when she was just dying with bipolar despondancy but both times it did calm her right down. she started grooving on colorful or interesting things in the room. my mom was a sunday school teacher for 40 yrs thats what made it even more chuckleworthy.
also i think ive figured out another reason for the endless caregiver guilt we feel. we have an actual need to contemplate our life post - caregiver. to do that it feels like were wishing the elder would get sucked into a leaf chipper. then that visual makes you think you were being a bit harsh or callous .. well you werent, its a thought ever carer has - most of the time..

I think that the only way to deal with this behavior is to ignore and deflect it. My mom is in an assisted living facility, and she still accuses me of taking her socks out of her drawer (she moved them to a different drawer), cancelling her subscription to the hometown newspaper that she gets through the mail (the mail hadn't been delivered yet that day), taking her cell phone charger (she put it in her nightstand drawer), etc. My point is that even if you can solve the missing purse issue, your mom will just move on to something else. Many people with dementia spend a lot of time going through drawers and cabinets and rearranging their possessions. Paring down their possessions and reducing clutter reduces the number of things to "lose", and makes it easier for you find things that have been relocated. After making a couple of trips to mom's apartment to help her find things that she had misplaced, I now just tell her not to worry, whatever it is will turn up, and if not, I will look for it the next time I visit. Since her short term memory is gone, she forgets about whatever is missing in seconds, and I just change the subject. I doubt that she remembers that she accused me of taking anything.

Dear Krazy:
You are not Krazy or alone, so many of us have the same exact problem that you have. I had to take Mom's checkbook away because she would hide it and accuse me of spending her money and then SCREAM at me when she couldn't find where she had hidden it! I finally took it away and gave her a copy of it minus the actual checks.

Just like you this is only one instance, she wants to feed the dog incessantly and I have had to begin hand feeding the dog and making sure she has eaten all her food or Mom will try to feed her 20 times a day.....because she is sure the dog is still hungry!!!

Then by 1pm she wants to know what is for dinner and when am I going to get it going and I have to remind her that dinner is not until 5pm (which she set and it has to be strictly adhered to or the world will fall apart!)

Is it possible to always remind your Mom...."Oh Mom don't forget your purse"....every time she gets up and moves....like it's part of her outfit or does it have a shoulder strap so she can carry it around all day? We have a specific place for my Mom's purse and it is there ALL the time.

These are only a few of the many things my Mom picks on and does every single day and it drives me NUTS. I have heard that this OCD type behavior is normal for a dementia patient, but it doesn't make it any easier to handle.

My Uncle and others on this site have mentioned that there are medications that help with stopping this behavior. My Mom is not taking anything, but she is becoming worse and we are trying to find a doctor who may be able to help us find something to help her. I am just afraid it will dope her up and we will lose what small bit of her that is still remaining, in there somewhere.

I feel for you as I go this same thing every single day! I hope your day tomorrow is better and less stressful!

" disease " is simply the absense of health, so yes, aging is a disease in itself..

Went through that with our grandmother. I was her sole caretaker, until the end when we took advantage of an insurance Gram had taken out 20 years before hand for In Home Care. They came in for enough hours for me to go home and sleep.

Gram never accused me, I was the only one she trusted. But she would accuse the caretakers, but they didnt take anything. Gram didnt have anything in home to really take. She had a bank account. She would hide her wallet and then get so nervouse and anxious about losing it. I searched all day long for her purse with her sitting in her walker (walker had a seat) following me around in hopes I would be her savior and find it. It was so frustrating. But I tried to do it with joy. When I finally found it, I told Gram and she was so happy and right away said "oh! now I have to find a place to hide it!" ..... my heart dropped....joy lost.... "Please gram, dont ever do that again!".

We finally realized Gram was FULL of anxiety. You and I would be too, if we REALLY BELIEVED, people were stealing from us, mean strangers were in our home, family members cant be trusted, losing independence, forgetting everything....we too would be so full of anxiety, we would have obsessive thoughts of how to hide our belongings..

My personal belief is that if they are suffering from anxiety, medicate...Im not saying overmedicate.. but use the smallest amount until you find what works. Find a doctor who will work with you. And we dont tell them what we are giving them (our loved ones)...we say, this is your heart pill, potassium....whatever....we finally learned that seroquel helped a lot...celexa for crying...and xanax...or ativan....cut pills in half or quarters (ativan)...start with lowest dose and work the way up. Xanax is so short acting....but it was helpful....

SandraLynn -
You say it so well about medication. They SUFFER from that anxiety. I have known people who would have had a much better life if they had been medicated 40 years ago!

I can't help but I can tell you I experience same with my mom and her dementia. She has accused all those close to her of stealing, etc when she has simply misplaced. Her paranoia and hallucinations continue to increase. She's been on meds but they didn't really help just made her groggy which added to her complaints.

I used to get angry and frustrated when I couldn't set her straight or make her see reality. My saving grace was to just go with it. If she asks about things untrue....my being married to the mayor, my new babies, my sons babies, etc..I just make up a reply and she moves on. If she accuses me of stealing I ignore, if I'm there visiting I may suggest places for her to look or help her look, but I no longer get worked up over it. She seems to move on when I change the subject. When she tells me about her hallucinations (her dr boyfriend), neighbors being terrorists, national guard protecting her house, I just play along, let her tell me details (she has a vivid imagination and surprisingly, I now find the stories entertaining whereby I used to be shocked and alarmed).

So just ignore as much as you can, remember it isn't you it's the disease talking. Take a walk or find someone you can talk to, or just vent here. You'll always find someone who has walked in your shoes.

This site always makes me feel better and more confident.

I personally know of similar situation resolved with use of medical marijuana(indica nectar to restore mental clarity and memory) and valerian root extractv(to control anxiety and agitation). It took research and learning to adjust to needs. Also proper attention to nutrition and good fats which feed the brain such as raw unrefined coconut oil, avocados and bananas, walnuts, cashews, flaxseeds, sunflower seeds (all organic). In other words seek natural solutions to supply the brain with what it needs. Organic healthy vegetables and fruits,etc/proper nutritious food is medicine. Also, Tranquinol, a dietary supplement for healthy mood relaxation, if need, is available from the Premier Center in Santa Monica,CA or Dr Bob Marshall I n Texas (these sources also have specials on coconut oil ....buy in quantities when on special pricing). You have to research for healthy natural solutions that help.