Mom's cats??

I feel for you. I encountered a similar issue with my LO (suffers with dementia) years ago. The problem with cats that urinate or spray inside the home is challenging. We tried numerous methods to address it, but, her cat continued to spray. It wasn't until later that I realized the cat was unhappy and acting out. I suspect the unhappiness came from the fact that my LO was progressing with dementia, acting odd, obsessed with the cat, very emotional, etc. I think the cat sensed it and wanted out. In fact, due to my LO entering AL and not being able to care for the cat, I was required to return the cat to the cat rescue that she adopted it from. Once there, the cat no longer sprayed inside. So, good luck. I'd watch your mom carefully, to see if you can determine what might be bothering the cats. (You might get multiple litter boxes, so each cat has their own. Sometimes, this helps, when there are multiple cats. Also, make sure your mom is keeping the litter boxes really clean.) During the time my LO's cat sprayed in her house, it destroyed so many items, furniture, carpet, etc. The dogs would likely cause the cat more stress, if they are not used to dogs and that might increase their urinating. I'd try to find an alternative or be prepared for some unhappy pets and property damage.

Ugh, yeah. She is refusing to move without her cats. My husband is refusing to allow her in WITH them. I'm torn. I get that she is attached to them, but I also get that if she wants to live with me and not at a facility, compromise has to happen. Sadly, compromise has never been her strong suit!

That's a tough situation, but, I honestly can't fault anyone for not wanting unhappy pets in their home who are going to destroy it and make it smell really bad. It makes living in the home a real chore. Do you know why your mother is so accepting of the behavior? I used to ask my LO why she tolerated it and she said that she loved her cat so much, that it really didn't bother her. She just kept spraying air freshener and cleaning up the mess. Her valuable family heirlooms were being destroyed, but, she ignored it. I knew then, that something in her reasoning and judgment was not right. So, I'd spend some time with your mom to see if she is really thinking clearly. If not, and if her health or that of the cats are at risk, she may have to deal with things that she may not like. Do you have Durable POA?

I hate to mention this, since, I don't really believe in it, but, is there any chance the cats could be kept outside? I know that some people build outdoor kitty areas even.

Sunnygirl1: "(You might get multiple litter boxes, so each cat has their own. Sometimes, this helps, when there are multiple cats...)"

But HeatherKing has already said she doesn't want them. Her husband is refusing to allow them. There is no way to keep the cats, and Heather's family shouldn't have to sacrifice even further. They are already sacrificing to have her mother move in with them (probably a much bigger sacrifice than Heather realizes, as it's usually much more difficult than people think it will be).

Looks like her mother has made her choice. She will go to live in a facility.

(HeatherKing, I hope YOU aren't going to be paying for the facility!!!)

If mother's choice is to not leave her cats behind, then she has made the decision to not live with you. Period.

Tell her so. And then help he find a place to live that will accept the cats and good luck on that.

My mother has 2 feral cockatiels. They are beyond filthy, and she cannot clean their cage so she just keeps lining it with more and more newspaper. She lives with YB and his family and they have between 4-7 cats, I'm not sure. The smell in that house is BAD!

I have cancer and have been on chemotherapy all summer. One of the things I am not allowed to be around during the chemo and for 6+ months post chemo is feral birds. Their feathers and dander and poop are toxic to me. I could easily get a fungal infection from them. Telling my mother that I couldn't see her for about a year due to this and asking her if she would consider re-homing the birds for a year so I COULD come help her and see her...she chose the birds. This has hurt me beyond words. She chose birds she didn't even want in the first place, they're not "hand trained" so they hiss and scream when anyone but mother gets near them. She calls them her 'little buddies' but they are just a living breathing part of her hoard.

I'm sorry for you--if you were hoping to bring mom home for her care, but we cannot MAKE our parents put us ahead of their pets or their junk.....

HeatherKing, best thing to do is to take the cats to a no-kill shelter and hopefully all 3 cats can be adopted by one family. Especially if they are litter mates. From your profile, your Mother is dealing with a lot of health issues.

People will adopt older cats. Couple years ago I adopted a 12 year old cat, and last month adopted an 8 year old cat. At my age, no kittens or youngsters that would outlive me.

Cat usually urinate outside the box if the boxes are not clean. It would be like us going into our bathroom and finding the person before us didn't flush. Cats will also urinate elsewhere if they have a urinary tract infection. Stress can also cause problems.

Could your Mom budget for Assisted Living where they will accept pets? I don't know if 3 cats would be allowed. But Mom would need to keep those litter boxes spotless. Some Assisted Living places have people who will come in to help with the pet for an added cost.

HeatherKing I am replying as a cat owner. I think if your husband does not want 3 cats in addition to your 2 dogs, then your needs must come first. A great option is to contact a "no kill" shelter in your area and they will re-home these cats. This is a rather slow time of year for shelters, so you stand a good chance of finding one that will take these three.
If any flexibility for a meet-in-the middle option, perhaps you can allow just one cat? If you go that route, keeping a clean litter box is key in making sure the cat uses it which means you or your mom need to scoop it out once every day. Also, make sure it is easily accessible to the cat and not in a room with a locked door or outside somewhere.

Well you have your answer, if Mum wants the cats, she goes into the assisted living. She has made her choice.

Although I have stated many times on this site that I will not provide care for either of my parents, I do have an agreement in place with Mum. If she goes into care, I will take her pets.

I have 3 cats and 2 dogs, I also volunteer for a cat rescue feeding feral cats 4 days a week. I understand the bond between a person and pets. I can completely understand not being concerned about damage to stuff, as it is just stuff, not a relationship.

If you have a local cat rescue, they may offer a placement service or temporary fosters.

First let me say that I adore cats. Didn’t know I was allergic to them until I was an adult. So after the last cat died I didn’t get another one due to the severe allergy.

I grew up with cats and dogs. Love them both. I am pet free at the moment. After having to put down my last animal (my sweet greyhound) I feel like can’t go through the pain of losing another animal again. I volunteered with finding greys homes. They are incredible dogs.

I have never had to surrender an animal and don’t know that I could because I was strongly committed to my fur babies. I would have been devastated if I had to let go of an animal but I suppose it would help if I knew they were going to a loving home. Then I could feel good that they would be taken care of, plus someone else could have joy from loving them as well.

If I were in your mom’s situation I would accept that you have asked that I do not bring my pets and either go into assisted living or surrender my kitties.

If I were in your situation I would stand my ground and not take in animals that you are not willing to take. Why should you? It’s your house and you don’t even owe anyone an explanation for your feelings.

Let’s face it, your mom is blessed just knowing that you are welcoming her into your home, without the cats. So, maybe she will choose the assisted living facility and have her fur babies by her side. You can visit her. Might be the best solution.

Best wishes for all of you, including the kitties!

I will not care for ANY elders in my home because I'm not qualified to do so. Dementia, incontinence, mobility issues, lifting them, the whole nine yards......is not something I'm able or interested in doing. I made that crystal clear to my folks about 30 years ago when the subject came up. I would never be able to provide the level of care that an Assisted Living community can, between 3 shifts of care givers, entertainment and daily activities, doctors in house, and 3 hot meals and snacks per day. As far as cats go, I am severely allergic to them, so I would be unable to care for them in my home. If my folks had had a dog when they went into Assisted Living and were unable to bring him along, I would have been happy to take him.

In your case, I would NEVER take cats who urinate inside the house into my home, allergies or not. That is 100% unacceptable and unsanitary. Once a cat does that, it's nearly impossible to get rid of the odor!!

Best of luck!

I am so sorry. I am familiar with cats that urinate in the house, and there is honestly no answer once that stops. No, you are not being unfair. I would make it a stipulation. I would tell her that you grieve for her that she must face this now, but it is a fact if she is to move in with you.
Honestly I need to tell you that I just lost my last little dog a week ago. It is so hard to know I will have no more, that at 77 I am down to fostering in my home. I have had animals all my life. But I would NEVER now get an animal that I will NOT outlive, and that will become a burden to my children. I do all that I conceivably can not to burden my children.
I couldn't be more sorry for Mom. I have loved animals all of my entire life, and have had more cats and more dogs than I can begin to tell you. But that time now is over. In the end, aging, it is all about loss. And this is one loss in many that come to us. Our minds, our bodies, our lives, our lifestyles, our choices. We lose them ALL if you live long enough. It is worth wailing about, crying about, grieving about. But it has to be the way it is. As they already urinate in the house I would attempt placement with someone who has "barn cats" but it may be that there is no answer but surrendering them to a shelter. We all know where that ends for the most part; I have done rescue work since retirement. It is sad, but this is life. I am so sorry. I can imagine her grief acutely, because I am grieving now, and it is even harder when you don't know the outcome for your animals.

The compromise is: don't let her cats come with her. It's going to be hard enough for you to deal with her moving into your house, without the added stress of integrating animals and having cat pee (the worst!) in your house.

I think it is already answered - the DH does NOT want that cats in the house. His rights have to be respected. Poor man having his MIL move in.....

Make book ends out of those filthy animals.

Sorry, I think that an animal that soils it own living arrangements is not all there and I would not have an animal in my home that did that.

You can make them outdoor cats, but they are a deal breaker for me.

Have you ever tried to get rid of the stench of cat urine? It is almost impossible.

Yuck, yuck, yuck!!!

Edit: I just read through the post. Heather, your mom is already trying to make the rules in your house. Just because she wants to live with you doesn't mean that you are required to grant her wish.

If she has always been stubborn and not willing to compromise with others but demands that she gets her way, you are making the worst mistake of your life by moving her in.

She will push being the mistress of the house, she will treat you like a child, she will make your home a miserable place for everyone. I would rethink your decision unless you want to be treated like you are 5, or you want to run your husband off, or maybe you want to be tied to your house 24/7 with a manipulative, ungrateful, demanding mom that doesn't care about your needs because hers are always more important. If you want to live this way, move her in. If you want to keep your marriage and your sanity let her move to an AL or stay in her home with aides coming in to help.

There are so few success stories when a parent makes ultimatums or demands about living in the home of one of their children. She has already started this behavior. Think about it.

We went through this with my MIL. A family member took her cat in and keeps her updated on how he is doing. We couldn't take him in because we already have a cat who doesn't play well with others. One of my fears was that my cat would do serious harm to hers. Ours still has his claws and hers didn't. I would also never have an animal that uses my home as his personal bathroom. Cat urine smell is extremely hard to get rid of and if a male cat has learned to spray to mark his territory before getting neutered it will continue to do so, it is a learned behavior. The no kill shelter or a family member would be your best option. Also you do not know how your dogs will react to them either. Biggest deciding factor is that your husband doesn't want them there and I'm guessing you really don't either because of missing the litter box. Mom just needs to be told honestly that she can move in (tho you may want to really reconsider this) but that the cats will need to be rehomed elsewhere. If anything tell her you're afraid they wouldn't be safe around the dogs and they wouldn't be happy locked up in a small back room, it wouldn't be fair to them. Good luck to you and your situation, it's never easy for all the transitions and changes all of you are going through. If you are thinking about getting mom's house ready for sale, rip the carpet and padding out, saturate the wood floor with massingill vinegar douche, let dry, seal wood underlayment with OIL based paint then have new carpet laid. If you don't seal it humidity may reactivate the cat odor.

I’m going to tell you, as a life long cat owner, there are cats who will pee on the carpet simply because they are assholes. I love cats, don’t get me wrong. But my daughters cat seriously pees on the carpet for no reason. Having a littler box for each cat never worked for us when we had multiple cats either. We are down to the one cat and he has 2 litter boxes that are cleaned daily and he will still pee on the carpet! He’s fine. He’s been checked for a UTI. He did it when we had another cat and he continues to do it now that the other cat (my cat) has died! I have tried everything and nothing works. His favorite is to pee on the bathroom rugs so the bathroom door has to be shut at all times. If I buy new rugs, he will pee on them the first chance he gets! If these cats are used to peeing on carpets, it’s too late. They will pee on your carpets too! And good luck getting the smells out. NOTHING gets it out. Believe me. My house reeks of it and I have tried every thing under the sun! Natures miracle must be the joke of the century because it makes it worse! I honestly think people get used to pee smell and think the product worked!

If you can compromise by bringing one cat, I would try that. And try to rehome the other 2 or take them to a no kill shelter (we don’t have one here).

Since she is demanding, don't bring her into your home. She will destroy your peace and maybe your marriage. I am dead serious.

Just curious. How old are her cats? Mine lived to be 16. How old is your mom?

I am like Alva. I wouldn’t want to outlive an animal.

No, not being unfair. Tell her you found them a home. Try to find them a home. If they are old put them down with a good vet and pay for the pain meds, its kinder than the way the shelters do it. I can tell you it's more misery than it's worth to try to "make it work". I have 2 dogs, she has 2 dogs and a cat and dementia. Caring for 5 animals and another person is too much. You'll have to battle with her feeding them by habit or telling you she fed them when she didn't today. End result, I do it all, resent her animals and then feel guilty for it.

Not being unfair. If you hate cats, have them all put to sleep, humanely, and at your expense, by a vet. If you don't hate cats, try (but not too hard) to find a home or homes for them. Providing as stress-free a home as possible for your family and your mom are of paramount importance here. (God will forgive you a teeny, tiny lie to your mother, if that's what it takes).

If you like cats, tell mom she must choose one cat and ONLY one. Be firm. It's your home. Tell her the chosen one must make peace with the dogs, or the cat will have to go. (Sorry, I'm chuckling, as I write this. As an "animal lover" I just can't help it!) The litter box or boxes must be away from human traffic and MUST be totally inaccessible to the dogs! (try a top-entry litter box or one with a small labyrinth entry way.) Tell her that, for sanitary reasons, peeing or pooping outside the litter box more than "x" number of times (some time must be allowed for adjustment) will be grounds for eviction (... of the CAT, not Mom!). Remind her, that, seriously, the the Health Department could become involved otherwise.

Don't allow your mother (or her animals) to dominate your household! Remind her that you love her very much and that you know she loves her cats. Tell her you know she'll miss her "furr babies", but after all, the human family matters most. Tell her you want to make her feel valued and as comfortable as possible in the human family that she already has.

Not being unfair. If you hate cats, have them all put to sleep, humanely, and at your expense, by a vet. If you don't hate cats, try (but not too hard) to find a home or homes for them. Providing as stress-free a home as possible for your family and your mom are of paramount importance here. (God will forgive you a teeny, tiny lie to your mother, if that's what it takes).

If you like cats, tell mom she must choose one cat and ONLY one. Be firm. It's your home. Tell her the chosen one must make peace with the dogs, or the cat will have to go. (Sorry, I'm chuckling, as I write this. As an "animal lover" I just can't help it!) The litter box or boxes must be away from human traffic and MUST be totally inaccessible to the dogs! (try a top-entry litter box or one with a small labyrinth entry way.) Tell her that, for sanitary reasons, peeing or pooping outside the litter box more than "x" number of times (some time must be allowed for adjustment) will be grounds for eviction (... of the CAT, not Mom!). Remind her, that, seriously, the the Health Department could become involved otherwise.

Don't allow your mother (or her animals) to dominate your household! Remind her that you love her very much and that you know she loves her cats. Tell her you know she'll miss her "furr babies", but after all, the human family matters most. Tell her you want to make her feel valued and as comfortable as possible in the human family that she already has.
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So sorry. When I wrote this, I saw nothing about a HUSBAND in the original post. That detail changes everything! Please DO what husband wants (short of cat-ri-cide". Hiss and growl at me, criticize me for my levity, if you want, but I live in an independent living facility that allows pets, only small ones and only one per apartment. In fact, I believe that HUD now requires such accommodation in many senior buildings. Residents are required, of course, to keep designated "pet apartments" clean or hire a person to see to this.

I have no close relatives, none closer than a days drive away. And I am far from the only one here in this situation. Research has proven that pet dogs or cats can lower an owners blood-pressure and provide comfort, often more effectively than tranquilizers or pain meds. On the other hand, adding pets to a home can easily increase stress among both two-footed and four-footed residents and what sane person wants that?

I agree with needhelpwithmom. Dosmo13 we heard you the first time. You don’t need to repeat yourself.

Teeny tiny lie? We've rehomed your cats / had them all euthanized.

I guess "teeny tiny" is a relative term, eh.

Heather, how urgent is it that you move your mother? And how old are the cats?

Conscience wise, look for a shelter. I have cats and I love dearly at least one of them, but they are strictly limited to a specific area of the house and don’t roam free. Contact the local shelters and try to find a humane place of re-homing the cats, rather than immediately resorting to “disposing” of them.

Also, do EVERYTHING YOU CAN to make sure that you have an alternate to having Mom move in with you, JUST IN CASE you find her physical issues too difficult to manage. She seems from your description to be quite involved physically, and you may soon find that her comfort and safety depend on round the clock care.

Please don't kill the cats! Give them to a no-kill shelter or find an organization that will re-home them. Don't keep them if you don't want them. Animals deserve better. And you shouldn't have to have them if you don't want them.

Are they urinating all over the house? Or in a litter-box?? Big difference.

I live in the country and my cats always went out to pee and poop. The litter-box was only for emergencies and for when I had to leave them overnight and a couple of weekends if I was traveling.

And I had 2 dogs and never a problem among them, once the dogs got used to the cats.

You already have so much stress with your mom moving in! If you can re-home them or find a shelter that will, fine. But whatever you do - don't take in the cats too.
Personally, I think bringing mom into your home isn't the best idea. I do believe in tiny lies, and I'd think up a good one to get her interested in assisted living instead.
We almost had my dad here - his hospital bed & everything else was already in my house. I knew it was a bad idea, and I had a feeling of dread hanging over me. His health took a turn for the worse so he had to stay in the rehab center longer, and I had my excuse. It was the truth too because I really couldn't lift him.
It's hard on us as caregivers when we have to help decide where our loved ones will go. It's harder still when we bring them into our homes - and find we have gotten to a point where we can't meet their needs. Then we have to break their hearts & find them a better arrangement, usually assisted living. How much better would it be if we just skipped the part where we have to do that?
If you're set on having mom at home, I wish you the best, and hope your family holds up well too. But no to the cats!

I have 3 cats which are 100% indoors, with a mom with end-stage Alzheimer's and my cats have never urinated in the house because I had them fixed early and keep my litter boxes clean. They have never been a problem. But if you cannot deal with this the best thing is call your local vet and have them put down -- at least you know the vet will do it humanely. Animal control you have no idea what they will do. ALthough chances are you will end up getting rid of them using animal control. Whatever you do, don't dump them outdoors because cats cannot fend for themselves and will die a slow, horrible death due to parasites and diseases..or end up poisoned by the neighbors. I had stray cats poisoned by neighbors or hit by cars, which is why the buzzard and coyote population is getting bigger with so many cats to feed off of.

First my suggestion is not to have your mother move in with you. You will look back on this decision and regret it and try and find ways to regain your sanity. Everything you know and have now will change forever..... for the worse. Find an assisted living facility. Both of you will be better off.

Secondlythe cats.... if I could do it over again with my in laws having 5 cats..I would have insisted that we take at least 2 of them to a shelter. Having cats that urinate in the house is not acceptable. If you are forced to take them, which I don't believe you are, find a room like a patio that they can be isolated from the rest of the horse. Have it air conditioned/ heated.

I also know that cats urinate outside their litter boxes because of medical reasons and also when they see that there is something amiss or wrong with their owner. They may be detecting her illness and are reacting to it. Some cats have been known to isolate themselves when there is a change in their owners health or behavior.