At risk of sounding selfish, am I wrong for having an issue with my mom's caregiver (who is employed through an agency) eating my mom's food?

In my mind, It depends….I have been the live in caretaker for 5 years for my significant other . 2 1/2 years ago I had a knee replacement. Shorty before that he had gone through a period of many falls. He has dementia. My girls came to take care of us but when they left we needed somebody to take care of him until I was up on my feet .. He also looked in on me to make sure I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. That young man came in through an agency and he is still with us today. He is no longer with the agency. He’s got his nursing degree now and is working at a local hospital . He is married with 3 kids. He is here Sunday mornings for 3 hours and I consider him a friend . He gets along very well with my man and I have a muffin ready for him every week .
If your mom gets good care from this woman and likes her , a simple statement like” we would like you to bring your own food with you “ might be all you have to say . You might also let her know there are cameras there , too. If she’s uncomfortable with that, she will leave. Good help is hard to find ..

I think this care giver is taking advantage. Especially if she never asked first to do her laundry and eat the food your mom's fixed income buys. I would address it and ask for a change.

Why do you assume the caregiver would “be mean to her”?
Assumptions can and often do lead to false conclusions
Your post says your mom doesn’t ask. Another assumption is she isn’t interested in whatever food the caregiver is eating at the time.
Caregivers are notoriously underpaid and often under appreciated as well. She’s doing one of the most important things caring for your mom and struggling w the reality of the very low income agencies give their caregiver employees. If it were me I would be more than happy to let her eat meals while she’s there and would’ve taken the initiative to ask her on my own if there’s any particular foods she likes.

PeggySue,

You are exactly right. Forcing the caregiver to take their meals with the client is indeed depriving the worker of their lunch/dinner break. This may be the agency's 'policy' but often times company policies are contrary to a state's labor laws.
In my state, it is the law that anyone working an eight-hour day must get two (15 minute) breaks a day and at least 30 minutes for lunch. Years ago I worked at a lovely AL facility. The administrator instructed me that I was to take my lunch with the residents in the dining room. I refused. I was good at my job and did it well. I needed that 30 minute break during the day. I was honest with the administrator that it was wrong to expect me to eat my lunch with the residents in the dining room. Who could choke down a meal while several people are picking up the food like animals and slopping all over the place? Or the ones who constantly burped and farted? We had more than a few of those.
The administrator didn't take her meals in the dining room. Neither did her two assistants, the receptionist, the maintenance people, or anyone else. I stopped eating lunch for a while and would eat a snack at my desk in my tiny office which was pretty much a desk, phone, and the cabinet where the resident meds were kept.
She wanted free supervision for the residents while they ate. I did not get paid for lunch. It was the facility's 'policy'. I took this up with CT Department of Labor and it turns out that 'policy' was illegal. I had a right to take my lunch wherever I wanted. They also had to pay me for all the lunch breaks I was deprived of.
I encourage all agency-employed caregivers to have regular communication with their state's labor department. In caregiving, agencies and facilities alike will make a 'policy' and present it to their workers like it is law. Many times, it's not even legal.

ForReal,

Clearly your intention is only to inflame the people here with your nonsense and aggressive language.
You do not know what the caregiver situation is with the OP's mother.
The mother could very well have given her permission about the food and use of the washing machine. She could very well have also insisted.
If you knew the first thing about being an elderly caregiving, you would know that many times the sweetest, loveliest elder will insist that their caregiver eat what they want, or use what they want, or ask them to bring their kids to work, or accept money and gifts from them.
The second that caregiver's shift is over or it's their day off they are a live-in, the sweet and lovely elder will tear them down to whoever will listen. They will accuse them of everything from stealing to actual abuse. So much of the time the caregiver gets in trouble when they did nothing wrong. All they are guilty of is believing bit of show timing from an elder when they shouldn't have.

Yes. I've been there as I'm disabled and have experience dealing with lazy aides who take advantage. Putting everything on tape and notifying the agency are good first steps. Now I think you need to contact APS [Adult Protective Services] and the BBB. If the agency hasn't responded to your concerns about the aide sent to care for your mom, I'd start wondering if they're hiding things. I'd also start shopping for a new agency. As for having someone to look after your mom now, does she have neighbors or other family members who could help out for the time being?

Good luck.
Colleen

Ask the agency. I have a feeling thats a biiiig no no. Its considered compensation when you buy for them. You need a new caregiver.

@cpell,

WOW. You are a very angry and pathetic person. That's very sad. I don't know what planet you're living on. Yes, I admit that I am burned out on caregiving. I would have thought my screen name 'BurntCaregiver' would have given that away. Maybe you're the one who struggles with literacy issues not me. I'm done in the paid caregiver field and soon-to-be done with being an unpaid family one as well. Believe me, I rejoice. However, I was a professional in-home caregiver for almost 25 years. I know every story and every situation.
The OP went the extra mile for her mother by having cameras installed so she could watch the caregiver who likely earns minimum wage with no benefits. That's not a bad idea if a family is respectful about it. Yet there's no consideration for her mother who can't even communicate with the caregiver because she doesn't speak English. Hour after hour with a person you can't even have a conversation with. The poor mother's life must be a real pleasure. Or if she's ill can't let her caregiver know.
Yes, your language is aggressive. Ridiculous would actually be the more accurate description.
Is the rude advantage-taking caregiver a live-in? If she's there for three meals a day, that sounds like a live-in.
Would you expect a live-in caregiver or one putting in so many hours that they take breakfast, lunch, and dinner at work to bring their clothes to a laundry mat when there is a washer and dryer right there?
What's the caregiver supposed to do with her client when she's off washing her clothes somewhere else? Bring the elderly client who can't communicate with them to the laundry mat. SMH...
I would say that you are very likely a person who goes through every caregiver an agency has.
Sorry, but you're not so special that there will be 'Downton Abbey' quality servants to wait upon your every need and demand. I'm going to take a wild guess here and say you probably couldn't afford that kind of help anyway. Who can though?
I pity the poor wretch who has been brought down so low by life that they have to work as a caregiver for the likes of you. I think I'd tolerate your crap for all of five minutes before walking out the door and leaving you with a parting message of two words. One starting with a great big and the other with a nice..
Yet, I was employed as an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years. Some of those years agency-hired, most in private-pay working for myself. Never been let go from a position. Never replaced for a reason other than cheaper help was found, and never walked away without a sterling reference from every agency or private family I ever worked for.
I'm going to do my daily mitzvah (good deed for the day) and give you some sound advice.
Good and trustworthy caregivers like myself do not stay long with people like you. I don't know if you need caregivers now or don't. If you do, I most strongly suggest you put away the Victorian-era 'lord/lady of the manor' attitude towards your help or you're going to be out of luck finding and keeping decent help.
Have a nice day.

I would have no problem with the caregiver eating meals with your mother even if that is 3 meals a day. Putting items on the grocery list that she prepares and does not give your mother is a no-no.

The caregiver may not have a washing machine at home and that may be why she is bringing her clothes to wash. If it does not interfere with her caring for your mother it's not a problem. However she should have asked your permission.

You should know what items on the grocery list are for your mother's benefit and what are not. Only get items that benefit your mother.

The agency are probably finding it hard to get staff and that's probably why they did nothing. If you can't find another caregiver take steps to ensure she does not get items to use for herself only on the grocery list.

There's no problem with her having 3 meals a day if she ensures your mother eats well. Let her use the washing machine once or twice a week but no more. The quality of care your mother gets is a priority.

You need to find a caregiver who speaks the same language of your mom or You need to become your moms daily caregiver. I have been caring for my mom for almost 3 years & 9 months. Its a big commitment to become a caregiver. Changing caregivers frequently is not a wise idea at all especially for your mom.

It needs to be specified what a paid caregiver can and cannot do from the beginning--limits must be set. This includes the area of lunch breaks. It is not ethical to just take things from their employee's house such as food, which is stealing. Food is NOT cheap, and the price of food is going up.

You need to talk to this paid employee about house rules. I would even put it in writing. If they continue, I would terminate them. I would not want someone around who is taking food or whatever without permission.

House rules are VERY important to establish.

My first inclination is to say no. She should not be adding her items on the grocery list and doing laundry at your Mother's home. The meals can be included if they are they same things your Mother eats. It is not your responsibility to ensure that she eats or that her laundry is done unless she is a 24 hour care giver which I do not think she is. You probably have to work and cannot take care of her daily so hiring someone for her is honorable as she is on a fixed income and likely cannot afford the care? I do not know enough details but I have experienced enough to know these facts. The rest of society does not get to eat three free meals and to do our laundry at work. If you allow this it is a courtesy which you do not have to do being that she did these things without your permission. People take advantage of the elderly all the time unfortunately and it's wrong. Your intuition is telling you it's wrong, don't ignore it. I would not confront the caregiver. I would ask for another caregiver or find another agency. Some people are immature and petty and do not want to see where they are wrong. They will not be accountable. I do not want your Mother to potentially suffer. God Bless you, hope this helps!