Mom's caregiver is stealing food from her freezer. She has been such a good dependable caregiver, I hate to replace her. What to do?

Maybe she's hungry and can't afford groceries on her caregiver pay. You could offer to share any cooked food with her...for example roasts, or lasagne or meat loaf or salad.

Or you can give her a cash bonus when she meets certain goals...like keeping the inventory for the freezer up to date.

Or buy a lock for the freezer.

Derochka, could you just stop and think this through, please.

This lady has been working for your mother for five months and you have been very pleased with her reliability and quality of care.

And yet. You cannot bring yourself to believe that she might be completely blameless in this fish matter, can you. You're prepared to "let it go." You're content to feel reassured that at least now she knows that she can't get away with stealing anything else.

For God's sake! Suppose she has never taken and would never take *anything* that did not properly belong to her - which is, I suppose, the basic morality you'd expect of a person you'd call decent?

I think she's right. I think you'd better stick with that inventory idea, and do a stock-take every month or something like that. Otherwise she will be constantly trying to prove a negative - that she hasn't stolen anything - and she won't be able to bear it.

Put yourself in the shoes of an innocent person, and try to imagine how you would feel about what you've written.

Thank you all so much for your helpful advice. I did speak with her without accusing just do have any idea if it was maybe thrown out. I did assure her that mom has forgotten a few things and it may be that is what happened but that she was adamant that she had two. She got very upset and was hurt that we would ever think that of her and was not sure she could continue as mom did not feel as she could trust her. After some discussion, she agreed to stay but insisted that I keep an inventory of mom's stuff so that there was not a question in the future. I do not believe she has taken anything of value so we just chalked it up to mom being forgetful and let it go. I am sort of glad I did talk to her though and feel better about things, even if ultimately, she did take it. At least she knows that other things would be noticed. I don't keep valuables in mom's area and I have possession of her checkbook and credit cards and there is nothing of value in the house.

I had a caregiver take food from my freezer. Very frustrating when I would go to make something and not find what I was looking for KNOWING it was there a day or so ago. And some she would eat it while caring for my Husband, other stuff she took home. The food was one things but the cash and jewelry she took ....I did report her, the police came to the house. She did go to court. I did get the jewelry back. (Unfortunately she does not have an actual "conviction" on her record so she would pass a background check!)
If possible keep the food in the freezer at a minimum. If this is a chest freezer or a stand alone freezer they usually have locks on them I would keep it locked.
Put or keep enough in the kitchen freezer for a week or so, do not stockpile stuff.

If you feel comfortable about it have a talk with her and say that you have noticed items missing. Ask if there is a problem. It is possible that while she has this job now her husband may be out of work or hours cut and they are short on cash and they have 3 kids to feed. I would not have a problem giving them a bit of food. I would also let her know that there is a food pantry that I donate to but I would give my donations to her.
On the other hand if there are no problems and she is just taking so that it will cut back on her bills so she can buy an extra case of beer for the weekend I would feel less "generous" and tell her if it happens again she will be looking for other employment.

Unless your mother is destitute (and she is not) I would not say anything. Are you ABSOLUTELY sure there were two bags? Even suggesting she took something and it turns out she didn't...well you just lost that good helper.

I was in my father's assisted living apartment and he insisted I take the cash he had in his apartment. At most he would have $70. No, he insisted he had just counted it and it was $15,000. I could not convince him otherwise. Ended up spending a half hour looking for the money to make him happy.

With that said my coworker employed a lot of in home care for her mom. It was difficult just to get people to show up. She said every last one of them came with a LARGE bag and yes things went missing all the time. She had one woman who would shop for her mother. Gave her a grocery card and credit card. Coworker noticed her mom's grocery bills seemed high so she went to the grocery store and had them print out a list of items purchased on her card. There were several items that her mother would not have needed or bought. She alerted the agency and they took the side of the carer. She tried to press charges but prosecutor's office said since it was less than $250 it wasn't worth pursuing.

Could it be that mom mentioned giving you the food and she misunderstood or offered to take it herself?

CharK60

My elderly relative who was just a little forgetful, no diagnosis of dementia, She wanted me to have some of her VCR tapes and I was thrilled, being very close to her all my life, she was about 95 years old. She told me she was giving the Shirly Temple tapes to her granddaughter One day told daughter she wanted her Shirley Temple tapes back from me, she knew it was her mothers forgetfulness. I told her she only gave me the Irene Dunn tapes. I told daughter I would give them back to her of course, but her mother insisted she gave me the Shirley Temple tapes. I was upset, I told her to get them back from her granddaughter. I learned a valuable lesson, never take anything as a gift from an elder without first checking with daughter/ son, close relative.

I would address the situation with an openness about her receiving gifts from mom as okay, but could she just let you know what she is taking so there are no misunderstandings and so you are not questioning your sanity. As in "I thought there was 2 bags of fish and now there is only 1, did I see that wrong or am I losing my memory."

Presenting it in this way will let her know that you know the fish is gone, you know that mom could have given it to her and you are honestly and sincerely trying to avoid any implications of theft by her, now and in the future.

Perhaps clarifying that mom may be giving her things that are not hers to give or that she doesn't know what you had planned, communication is the best policy.

You should never be completely trusting of a worker in your home, you should always just be mindful of what is going on. Not saying don't trust them but you need to know what they are doing for a multitude of reasons. They are only human after all.

During a very difficult time in my life, I made an accusation about something that was really pretty minor. There were multiple other factors as to why I believed I was right, but that shadow of a doubt has bothered me ever since. This was over 30 years ago. Thank you for being willing to look at possibilities as to what may have occurred in your case. I wish I could have slowed down, calmed down, and possibly stayed quiet at the time and in the moment.

Good caregiver but raiding the freezer? Never experienced that one, but if I did - I would be somewhat more inclined to throw in the free food to keep her, than fire her. Good help is hard to find.

Caregiver limits are a bear to deal with. We have been using an agency for a year, very expensive. We had 2 steady caregivers. Realize that they make, maybe, half of what the agency is charging you, and that’s if they are lucky. They are working in a home that obviously can afford this. Do, remove valuables, install locks on doors, rooms you don’t want them to visit. We had one who liked to cruise the house, realized we have a somewhat furnished basement and suggested he could move in there. As far as food, my husband is generous to a fault, suggested he have dinner with us and that is like inviting a vampire in. His first move upon arriving was to go to the kitchen for a big glass of milk and to stuff in a couple of Donuts or whatever goodies were around. That’s before he ate breakfast with my husband. I could go on, but I hit my limit when he asked me one morning what was for dinner. I also had to tell him that he was not allowed to open packaged foods unless given permission. Sounds petty, most of us are so grateful to have the help and generally are giving of nature, that we aren’t really good at setting employee limits. But, we are paying for their services and we need to keep the relationship at least somewhat business-like with our expectations and theirs clear. Duties need to be clear. Trust me, better for everyone involved. Do not make them a member of the family if you can help it.

Honestly I’m so desperate for reliable help that I probably wouldn’t even address the issue. I’d hid my valuables and let it go. ... Someone stealing from you is such an insult, but people who steal things like, “a bag of fish”... are more likely desperate and embarrassed... and not completely amoral or dangerous. How desperate was she, to risk her job over a bag of fish?... Does she have small children? I’d maybe sit her down for a chat about her life, maybe throw some hints, without addressing the fish directly.

Is it possible that there was a mistake? If your mother talked about giving it to you, could it have come across that she didn’t want it and only wanted to give it away?

A good way to check is to leave out a few coins and see if they disappear. If so, you know there is a problem. If not, perhaps you are right to try to forget about this one instance.

My mom’s nurse couldn’t win w my brother POA (I live out of country)
She apparently found too many things that went missing-leading to my brother becoming suspicious that she was behind all the missing stuff hidden away in sock drawers, freezer, under beds and in shoes-
my brother let her go -my mom was distraught for weeks-
the missing ‘stuff’ continued and they found a lot of it because it was still put in the usual places
so be really careful accusing anyone of taking stuff especially from an Alzheimer’s patient

Did your Mom give her the fish?

I could see this happening if some time passed between her trying to get you to take it and you having time to move it from her freezer to yours.

Whether it is for this caregiver or the next ones, you may need to clarify your expectations in writing so all three of you are on the same page.
Do they work for you or Mom? You are in charge of hiring, training, and payroll, but ...
Is Mom competent to make small gifts of food or household objects (e.g., fruit from her trees, clutter or donatables)?
Do they eat with Mom if she has a snack or meal during their shift?

Your local library may have online materials or curbside pickup that can help you to handle some of the technicalities you don't want to pay an agency to do.

Dear derochka,

If you are 100% certain the caregiver is taking food from your mom's freezer and after you talk with her (as most of the other people who have commented here have suggested) and allowing her a chance to give an explanation, maybe you could keep an inventory list. You could even put it on the refrigerator so she knows about it and it would provide some accountability.

Even though my mom is in a facility and has no need for a private caregiver, I do it in my own home just so I know what I have on hand at any given moment and it helps me when I want to go shopping next. Since I buy the usual things, I can just create a template on our computer and print it out adding or deleting as needed and I always leave room in case I want to write something down at the last minute.

It's just a suggestion due to the fact that you find her dependable in every other way and she must be getting along with your mom. Plus the fact you're in despair just thinking about having to find yet another caregiver especially after already having had six other caregivers and a bad experience with an agency.

Good luck in however you decide to handle the situation and give us an update if you can!

Order two of everything.

Give her a chance to explain -act as if you would if you were just wondering where the other bag of fish sticks went and ask

-Do you know what happened to the bag of ‘whatever they were’?
it could be as simple as -
-Oh yeah your mom left Them out on the counter and I didn’t know if they were safe so I threw them out
or she might not know-
Give a lot of benefit of doubt when it comes to things missing
my mom threw a lot of things away, gave things away, hid things -

I also like the idea someone said of offering snacks and drinks-it’s thoughtful and will let her know you care about her -those kind of gestures go a long way -you know she’s going through a hard time while caring for your mom so showing her kindness will be appreciated

I couldn't agree more with haileybug. First of all, be very very certain that you are positive this is who is taking the food.
Secondly, if there is proof, then I would ask you to sit with her and start with the positive. Tell her, "You know............, we have loved having you here. You are one of our best and most trusted caregivers. We would HATE to lose you. I am going to tell you what I know, and then I would like you to tell me your own part, because I cannot believe this would happen unless you felt quite desperate." Then tell her what is missing, how you know it was her. Ask for an explanation. I think in these times we may be missing the forest for the trees. People are very desperate. She may need pointing to resources. She may be the only one in her family working. There may be many mouths to feed.
At the very least you are giving this woman a chance to own this, to try to explain it, to learn from it going forward.
I would speak with her.

It is so hard to find good caregivers. Be thankful for the one you have.

If you really are sure she took the food from the freezer, have a little talk with her. Let her know that you are willing to help her in any way you can but to please do not take from you or your mom.

I would just keep some snacks and drinks around for the caregiver.

These are such uncertain, scary & stressful times.

Perhaps your mother offered the bag of fish to her CG, knowing that she was struggling. No way can she be supporting a family on the wages as a CG.

My client would ROUTINELY give me odd things (like a collector's plate with Nixon and Agnew on it)--I ALWAYS checked with family, b/c I KNEW that it could come back to bite me.

Talk honestly with the CG. Maybe you can help her out a little, she sounds, other than a little light fingered, like a good match for mom?

And yes,you need to make a spreadsheet for tax purposes. They aren't hard to do and if you deisgnate her a 1099 (Contract employee) I do not think you have to do the withholding taxes. I worked for a company that just used independent contractors and all I did was keep track of my hours. Employer sent me a year end receit. Up to me to add it in to my taxes.

Before you fill yourself to the brim with despair, can we just get this straight?

There were supposedly two bags of frozen fish cutlets in the freezer. Your mother invited you to take them home with you. When you went to the freezer you found only one bag. Any other information?

If not, then if I were to jump to any conclusion from your position, it would probably have been that my mother was mistaken about how many bags were in the freezer to begin with. Yours is that the caregiver, being in straitened financial circumstances, must be a thief.

I hope you are quite certain of your facts. But in any case, would it not be better to ask the lady about this first?

Your headline asserts: caregiver is stealing food from my mother's freezer. In fact, ONE item has gone missing as of yesterday and this has yet to be explained. So ask for an explanation.

Unless your mother has great liability insurance, she could lose her assets if the caregiver injures herself while taking care of your mother. That's why hiring someone from an agency is always best -- it takes care of the tax withholding issue and the liability aspect.

I would be upfront and honest with the caregiver. Tell her you are happy with the quality of care she gives your mother, but she can't eat her food you purchased for her. Why not buy some goddies for the caregiver, cookies and soda might be a good choice. Finding a good caregiver is difficult, I would give her another chance. Next time go with a reputable agency, and tell them what you expect from the caregiver.

This is one of those issues I am torn on, especially during this time of COVID. Yes if she stole from you, that is a problem. She took food, appears to be having problems with income and surviving, basically on what she is being paid by you.
A lot of people are suffering and losing livelihoods, homes, savings, and going hungry and such as the virus rages on. Not your problem, but do you believe she will take anything else? Are you able to keep other valuables locked away and install cameras to keep an eye on the situation? I know it’s hard when you lose trust, but I think look at the entire situation before you make a decision on this. Then do what your head tells you to do. I wish you the best, nothing is easy in this year 2020.

The food taken not sure how to respond to that. If she is
great wit mom be careful how to handle that. Good caregivers are hard to find, as you have found.

I am concerned about how you are paying her. I am assuming it is under the table. Did you know that could cause nightmares if you were to try to get mom accepted to Medicaid? The payments would be viewed as a gift and subject to a dollar for dollar penalty, a period of time based on cost of nursing home costs, where mom would not be eligible for medicaid.

Caregiver must be an employee of mom's with appropriate taxes and social security and other withholdings paid. You need a caregiver agreement to do this all legally and without jeopardizing mom's future medicaid benefit. See an elder law attorney for assistance.

Install cameras as proof.Could your mother be throwing the food out?

I hate to say it but this is why you use a agency....is it really cheaper when you have to file taxes for each caregiver, worry if they will show up, find things that are missing while your LO is alive and then passed away? I could go on and on....nothing is perfect but sit down with the caregiver and talk to her about what she would like for food....you should not have to buy for her and buy for your LO separately!!!

Explain, please.

What do you mean by "stealing food"?

What has been taken? Is it an isolated occurrence or happening regularly? Have you spoken to her about it?