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She has been with us since Feb. We have had about 6 caregivers and she has lasted longer than any of them. We tried using an agency but had such a bad experience that we decided that private care was more affordable and dependable. I really hate to lose this one and it really isn't the food, it is more that I feel cautious about trusting her now. Mom does not have valuables laying around and I take care of all the financial stuff so the food isn't something I really keep an eye on. Finding another caregiver just fills me with despair.

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Sounds like you handled it well. My 93 year old Mom kept telling me things were missing from her AL room. Of course when we searched I usually found the item hidden away in a sock or bottom drawer. She had nothing of real value but the fear seemed to be part of her dementia. I had no reason to suspect the staff were taking thing.

Anyway I’m glad you had an honest discussion with the caregiver.
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I am amazed by the amount of interest everyone is taking in this bag of frozen fish cutlets! Perhaps it’s being stuck at home with Covid!
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seriously, how much frozen food can one eat? but if you are certain, and concerned. a bunch of laxative a few times, ... well they may start feeding it to the patient... : Yikes, not a good idea...
Here, in our area, schools are handing out free food for families in need....
My facility says the caretakers go to these handout areas, say they have 3 people, and the place will give them 3 bags of food for those 3 people... Saw what they were handing out: chicken, french fries that looked raw, a lil bag of produce, and a small plastic bag sealed of chocolate milk - maybe 8 oz.. but that is better than not eating at all.......
there are options.. check your local news and social services, perhaps they can help:?
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add a lot of laxative in it... a relative said someone did that a job one time. The guy ended up, kinda sick.... they found out who was taking what wasn't his... I think he learned his lesson.
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the caretaker was probably cleaning out freezer! give her the benefit of a doubt, food, really, lots more to take, and the freezer is quite visual, REALLY!
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Buy her some more tv dinners, let her know, you know, what she is doing nd help her out a little!
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Was it ever established that the caregiver did in fact take the food?
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Please update your original Post if/when the Frozen Peas have been located.

Are you sure someone is "stealing" frozen food? Or did someone ask the caregiver to remove 10-year-old frozen meat bricks?
It might be best to just ignore it for now, get a Nanny cam, aim it at the freezer to confirm that stuff is being taken, before asking the CG.

Are you thinking the caregiver, is taking frozen peas, frozen carrots, frozen concentrated Orange juice, ice cubes or _______?
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MargaretMcKen Jul 2020
It was fish!
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Those caregivers have been stealing from the clients for along time. Get a new one and install video cameras those girls don’t like the sensation that u can watch them whenever you want to.
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Why dont you begin a conversation with the CG with, "I think my mom is doing some strange things. She talked about using food from the freezer for dinner but it was still frozen. Have you noticed anything out of sorts with her and the freezer --or anything else?
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The OP handed this situation. Her and aide had a talk and all is OK.
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I just threw out food in my parents freezer. It was freezer burnt. I was going to use it for a meal but NOPE.

I agree this may be the case here.

I would clean out the freezer and inventory what remains. Post the list on the fridge (keep a copy) and instruct the CG to mark what she uses to feed your mom/themselves while there. I know my own freezer would benefit from this! I will be cleaning out theirs soon.

But I’d still get cameras. If my parents had a caregiver without a family member present, I would. Just to be sure my parents were safe in their care. (one of us is present while the CG is doing the heavy lifting type care)
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Derochka - This is a tough situation. You didn’t mention what food or how much food is missing. Is she making herself a sandwich with chips and a drink when at the home providing care or is she taking steaks home? I find it hard to answer your question without knowing.

Also, I am curious if you are certain that she is taking the food? Do you have cameras that are recording it? Is there anyone else who comes into the home that could be responsible even if you think it is not likely?

Hang in there for now. There are a lot of caregivers out there but it is VERY difficult to find one that is reliable and is a good fit for your loved one. Maintain your caution in trusting her.

If you have not installed cameras, do so as you might see something you were not expecting.

If the person is definitely not stealing anything else, for you it may come down to accepting that some of the food will be taken but knowing that you have an otherwise reliable caretaker. Just be prepared to fire the person if more items begin to disappear.
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I have cameras all over our house, they record and it is linked to my phone. Trust but verify.
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I would not assume the caregiver is stealing the food unless I had evidence by seeing it with a hidden camera. The caregiver could be going through the freezer and throwing out expired food; perhaps Mom is doing it and not remembering it.
If you really think the CG is the one stealing then ask her about it first without accusing her and see her reaction. Maybe there is a good reason the food is missing. By all means, please do not "convict" her without actual evidence against her. Good luck.
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How do you know she is stealing food. Could it be that your mother has offered the food?
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There are plenty of reputable care givers out their. Check them out with the "Home care Service Bureau. They do the licensing, but talk to a manager not a phone answering person, Also check with the D.A.'s office for your area, Also contact the Attorney General for your State. When you find one you like, do a background check on them. There are other places to check. BE AWARE. A reputable company will never ask for a deposit. If they do Get rid of them.
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I understand how you feel. How about having a one on one talk with her. Maybe this can help solve the problem.
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Could it be possible that the caregiver is going through a difficult time financially and she is trying to take care of her family the best way she can? Possibly COVID has caused some form of financial hardship? Not using as an excuse, but so many people are unemployed...one family member is unemployed and the family's income has been drastically reduced? Perhaps if you had a chat with her, you might get to the bottom of it. When our financial resources are cut drastically, it can be very humbling and humiliating. Hope you take the time to chat with her. Depending on the circumstances and her attitude when she responds to you, you might decide to help her with the family's food for a while.
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Viper1 Jul 2020
The above reasoning is total Bull S**t
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Imho, perhaps it was not the caregiver who ate or took the food. Is there a chance that your mother used the food or threw it out?
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I’ve been following this thread as My brother fired My moms nurse over suspected theft activity-it is really important to give the caregiver all opportunity to explain anything missing
and recognize that a dementia patient may have no recollection of offering a gift or throwing items out
I could relay heaps of times when my mom threw out flowers five minutes after they were delivered from friends -bouquets stuffed in the kitchen garbage
she didn’t want or know what to do with them or “I hate sunflowers’
her friend sent tea selection gift and then Came over and we didn’t have any tea-I had no idea that it came but I guess my mom threw it away or just gave it to someone else as a ‘gift’ -I felt like the friend thought I was lying when I said I can’t find any tea
there is a different reality in the home of a person w dementia and don’t jump to normal conclusions in that scenario
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I agree with 2 cents--- find someone new-- someone you can trust. Make it clear the next time around that if you find anything missing you will have to involve the authorities. Best bet--- get someone through an agency who has been vetted and has been a caregiver for a long long time with plenty of referenced. Never advertise online or even in a newspaper. We used an organization called Eldercare. When we put Mom in an assisted living-- things did disappear... a nice pair of expensive running shoes! Bet bet--- never have expensive clothes and jewelry in the house-- keep it all at your home -- what you cannot afford to lose. I provided clothes that could be easily replaced and not expensive. The good book says it is a sin to tempt people. Do yourself a favor and stop gambling on folks who are living from paycheck to paycheck. And DO NOT feel sorry for them. Just take good care of your loved one. Another good idea-- do not let caregivers hold any keys -- ever. And take Mom's ID card, checkbook, and wallet home with you. Be wise as a serpent and gentle as a dove--- and don't trust the devil. amen.
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Viper1 Jul 2020
You are very right. Check them out real well. A crook is a crook & they will not change. Do a background check of the comp. & its people. ALSO,REMEMBER a reputable comp. will never ask for a Deposit & be careful of the so called Contract/Agreement. especially the words "No Refunds, no Exception" & the "DEPOSIT" . Also bait & switch tactics. BEWARE . Contact the HOME CARE SERV. BUREAU, talk to a manager not the clerk that answers the phone, Check with the State Attorney General, & the D.A.'s of the county you are in. You can get more info if you want to spend more. Check it out, Just BEWARE of these crooked companies.
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You must speak with her about food missing in your mothers freezer.
Ask her how her family is doing? Tell her you really like the job she is doing and that you value her service to your mother. Ask her to please let you know if there is anything she needs because you've noticed that some groceries were missing and you would prefer to help her out rather than her helping herself. Remind her those are purchased for mom because it what she enjoys eating.
If you really want her to stay ask her to allow you to give her a 20.00 food card ever so often or a grocery card for her good service. Ask her if that sounds reasonable.
Good Luck
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We used to provide meals for the caregiver and gave her some food to take home from time to time when we knew she was struggling. It made all the difference.
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Why don't you say exactly those words to her, and ask her why or what's going on that she would do that?
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Common sense says if you steal food, you'll steal anything however I won't say that because in these trying times, someone might steal food to feed their family. Trust is gone, though. Someone else said put a lock on the freezer - that lock will say everything you don't want to say to her. If you do that, you're going to have to go there or send someone to get things out as they are needed.

Are you absolutely positive it is her taking the food? Any other friends or relatives that visit that might be doing it? The only way to know for sure, before accusing, is to set up a camera by the freezer and catch the thief. Then show them the video. You will also need camera in area to see it go in a purse or a bag and out the front door. Or if camera only on the freezer, you go over early in the day to see if that item removed was cooked for a meal.

I really think the camera is the way to go. And then confront whoever is caught. You really don't need a thief in the house with 2 elderly people. It is a slippery slope on what might come up missing next....Rx meds, etc. Or getting someone to sign something in order to take possession.
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Viper1 Jul 2020
BEWARE, There a lot of crooks in this Industry. Bad people. IF They ask for a deposit, Tell them to leave they are crooks. No reputable care giving company will ask for a DEPOSIT. I can't say enough. Check them out trhru State Attorney Generals office, Home Care Service Bureau (Talk to the Manager) not the person that answers the phone as he/she is incompetent & will steer you to Adult Protection Services, you call them & they refer you back to the Service Bureau. Adult Ser. Bureau only deals with people that are in a facility. The Service. Bureau should know this but doesn't or wants to push off to some one else. The usual Gov. type situation, No One takes the responsibility unless you get to the manager of that dept. BEWARE of crooked & corrupt Comp.'s
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What I did when this occurred at my parents home with the care giver stealing food was I said nothing. My mom and dad considered this person like family. So I went and brought two locks that I installed onto the freezer door. Now u don't have to say anything. Just put a lock on it. I made sure I took something out for whatever was needed for each day.. never mentioned it to caregiver. Sure she got the message when she went to go into freezer and couldnt...
now there was nothing to discuss. I couldn't believe the money I saved for them with just a lock or two...the care giver got the message without me saying a word...
never told mom or dad and nothing hurt their relationship between them . A didnt
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Trust has been violated, relationship destroyed...not good. Very unfortunate. She sounds understandably desperate and you sound compassionate. But if it's food today, what will it be next? Make sure no legal/financial mail/materials/checkbooks credit cards are in the house.
They do make locks for fridges and freezers, but they are very visible and she would know your suspicions. I see no easy way with this. I think you have to confront her directly, if you really both like her and want to keep her, then I'd do some research on what is locally available as far as food resources/food banks, benefits she may be entitled to. And make it clear her behavior was totally unacceptable.
I wouldn't put up with it unless she was exceptional.
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It sounds like her caregiver is desperate need of food in her home (either for herself and/or family-children). I don't condone stealing (it is a great concern in relation of loss of your trust); however, when it comes to food I don't place the same degree of blame, instead I feel emphatic as to reason why (she may be taking it home for her children who would otherwise go hungry). I think you should sit down and have a "heart to heart" talk with her ... ask her about her situation at home as to food ... perhaps give her a list of local food pantries, organizations that can help her, etc. Stealing food doesn't make her a bad person ... it just evidences her desperation... if you really like the way she cares for your mother and your mother likes her please try to help instead of firing her (so long as it isn't money, jewelry, or other items that have value) by extending a "helping hand."
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gdaughter Jul 2020
sorry I didn't see your response before responding similarly below:-)
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Finding a caregiver who gets along with the patient and their family and does a great job is really hard. Finding one who doesn't take advantage of the situation is close to impossible. Some wear two faces, when family comes to visit, they wear the face of compassion, caring, helpful and genuine concern for the person they care for. Then when they are alone with the patient, they are controlling, yelling, demeaning, and treat them with contempt. If your mother's caregiver is one of the rare finds, replacing her will be a tough job. As for food missing from the freezer, I would like to believe that she may be taking food that she knows your mother won't eat, and rather then leave it to go to waste, she is taking it home to her family?
When you shop for groceries for your mother, do you take into account what the caregiver eats as well, my mother never wanted to eat alone. She always wanted me to make meals for us to eat together, I was always busy cleaning up and instead of taking the time to sit and eat with her, I would just vacuum, do the dishes, and whatever needed to be done. I guess I treated her meal time as just part of my daily work routine, while she wanted me to just spend time with her eating a meal. She is gone now, and little things come back to me that I didn't think at the time made much of a difference, but I wish I could have the time back, I would have sat down and used the time differently now in hindsight. Anyway, did you ask your mother if she knows about the missing food, and if she gave the caregiver permission to take the food. If not, and you want to keep your current caregiver, why not ask her to add items she would like to your shopping list and tell her you will pick them up at the grocery store. That way any food that is missing won't be something you intended for your mother, but you bought for the caregiver. In doing this, the caregiver is aware that you know what is in the freezer, and without accusing her, you have given her a means of having food without sneaking and it stops the stealing. Now, you have control of a situation and don't have to replace the great caregiver with someone who may fall short in worse ways. Hope that helps. Good Day.
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