My mom's care home just opened on 7/1 for visitors. I've been down a few times and have finally been able to get in her room to see what she has and doesn't have. I took her the couple things she asked for (mouthwash and lotion) and a pound of sweet cherries that she loves. She was in a bad mood when I arrived. During the visit I found 7 tubes of polident adhesive ("it doesn't work, throw them away"). She's goes through mouthwash like nobody's business. After finally seeing her up close and personal I saw that her dentures were quite stained and asked if she was using the effervent tabs in the container when she takes them out at night. She said she put them in the mouthwash (it was barely enough to cover one plate, let alone both - I guess that's why she's always needing mouthwash). I reminded her that she has to use the tablets as well. She said no one ever told her. Of course, she this did this for years on her own before going into the care home. And then she starts crying saying that I don't understand what she's going through. I try to be patient and realize its frustration and tell her that I can't fix things unless she tells me (said her dentures have been worrying her for months, but has never mentioned to me or the aides). Mom was always independent and she believes she can do more than she can. Also, the aides tell me that whenever I visit - whether now in person or even before when they were window visits, that mom's behavior would change (for the worse) after I left. Two questions - is there a good product to remove denture stains? I already tried baking soda and vinegar, and why is it that my visits trigger bad moods? I was so excited to be able to visit whenever I wanted and to pick her up and take her out without an act of congress. I left her today sitting in her room in tears. The aides said they would make sure that she's using the tabs in her denture container at night.
I remember my little brother would fall and skin his knee. Maybe a few tears but he wanted to be with the older kids, so he would choke them back. But the closer he got to home, to mom, here would come the tears and by the time we came in the door, he would be in full wail. It was safe to cry with mom, no older kids would be calling him sissy. That was usually followed by a warm bath, supper and bed. The next day he was ready to go again and promise not to cry when he got tired. I think it’s a human condition.
Try a plug-in denture “sonic” sterilizer $40 through Amazon.
And I do believe that this had been very tough for her, living in the care home.
Now that you have assessed the situation up close, you can have more updates from the aides and the nurses. And of course she's sad when you leave, she loves you. And you know, when you are sad it often turns into mad---hence her post-visit behavior.
Love on her.
Even if your mom is lucky enough to live in a good Facility, it's not fun. It's always better to be able to live in your own home.
My 97 yr old Dad lives in his own house but has 24 7 Care. Of course he's spending all his savings and income to do so but old people should get to live out the rest of their lives anyway they want and can afford.
Your mom can't help feeling sad.
And try not to get on her as if she's a child because she has feelings and she's still your mom.
If she needs to be reminded of something just say it nicely, like it's no big deal and if she dies it, she does it.
Im sure if you call where she got the dentures or Google it, you'll find a way to clean them.
Prayers
No, it isn’t. Some people just need more care and help to where their own home is no longer safe for them. Not everyone can hire 24/7 help. Nor is it feasible for someone to give up their jobs to take care of a parent. It’s not that they just don’t feel like caregiving.
“Old people should get to live out the rest of their lives anyway they want and can afford.” Problem is, some elders will die or go broke if they live their lives any way they want. There’s tons of stories on here about elders who think they’re managing in their home just fine… but in reality they aren’t! Some are giving away their savings to scammers, since their cognitive skills have declined. Some aren’t bathing for a month. Some have toileting problems and literally live in their own waste. Some wander out at 2 AM. Some insist they can still drive when they’re nearly blind and have slower reflexes. Some are eating spoiled food from their fridge, or not eating at all. Point is, they may WANT to live how they want, but some truly cannot be left to do so. Their children love them too much to let that happen.
Saying things like this does nothing but make a person feel guilty and terrible for doing what was best for their parent… which is nothing to feel guilty about,
That someone esp you sees that now is humiliating. My “why” questions ended and my mom didn’t feel as judged. Many things changed during lockdown, and I had to meet her where she was. Whatever she did is enough.
I’m a retired dental hygienist and my dad too had stained dentures and Stainaway which is available at Walgreens worked pretty well. You don’t use it every night though. Iam glad to hear that the aides will put her dentures in with the Efferdent at night. Just so you know my dad hated denture adhesives. If your mom's denture is loose, you can take her to a dentist to do a re-line. But only if she can tolerate an appointment. If you don’t think she can, then don’t take her.
Your mom realizes she is not the same and losing control. Loss of control causes anger with dementia. Go ahead and cry…it’s good for us..often I would get in my car and scream and curse until I felt better! It’s ok!!
On the thread someone suggested 'Stain-Away'. That's a good product and will remove the stains from your mom's dentures.
As for her crying and being set off by your visits. A lot of times when a person in a care facility sees family (especially their grown children) they believe that person is going to be able to put their life back to what it was before they went to live in the facility. That the family member can set the clock back 30 years or something like that. People with dementia also have to have the same structured routine and see the same people, at the same time, every day. The slightest deviation from their routine can be enough to set them back for days.
Maybe cut back on your visits. Or try visiting with phone calls then ask the aides to tell you how she was afterwards. If mom adapts well to the phone visits, at some point coming in person might not be so hard for her. Good luck.
The facility should (it is required) do some oral care every day. They should be help her. They should also brush her mouth, or swab it for food particles using a swab and mouthwash. (By the way I hope the mouthwash is alcohol free, alcohol can be drying)
As to moms behavior ..could be any number of reasons.
She might be upset that you are gone. Try saying "I will see you later" or "I have to go to work, I will be back" rather than saying "goodbye" Also see that she is engaged in an activity before you go. Lunch, a snack, dinner or a game.
If you are upset during your visit for any number of reasons she can pick up on that and echo it after you are gone.
Unfortunately he is at the stage where everytime he wakes up, he thinks its a new day and the teeth go in.He carries them around in baggies, inside the basket of his rolator.
Yesterday he had to have a toothpick. I reminded him of his dentures. BUT he insisted he needed a toothpick, so I gave him one. After an unsuccessful attempt to use it, he threw it down and told me it was no good and to buy some better ones. I told him I would go to the store today buy some today. He hasn't mentioned them again
Shame on you for buying the cheap useless ones!!! ;-D
Make sure the next ones are the gold plated ones... :-p
THAT in itself is a relief and very welcome news! As lealonnie1 can attest to (as can many others), the complaints and non-stop diatribes about how awful the place is, the food stinks or they don't feed us, etc are usually saved for us when we visit! Meanwhile staff reports they are fine, enjoy time with others, eating well, etc.
Reducing your visits with mom might help, but probably only minimal for her and less so for you (given you were excited to go back!) While there, you certainly can try to agree with her complaints and assure her you'll look into them, but also try to distract/redirect her focus onto something else. Bringing something she really likes, such as a nice bouquet, some kind of treat, other items she likes might get her mind off her complaints. It doesn't always work, but worth a try.
To help you, is it possible for you to "visit" and observe without being seen? It will help you to see for yourself that she's well cared for and doing just fine when you aren't there. All too often their mixed up minds do tend to "take it out" on those who are really the closest to them, esp those who are providing the care.
https://www.amazon.com/Regent-Labs-StainAway-Plus-8-1-Ounce/dp/B003KVNEMM/ref=sr_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=stain+away&qid=1625603261&rdc=1&sr=8-3
Dementia is tricky; she may not be able to use the product properly which is combined with the Efferdent in the denture bath at the same time with very hot water. Tell the aides in her facility what you'd like to accomplish, and perhaps you can get them on board to help.
Why are her dentures 'worrying her'? They could be too loose now (the mouth shrinks up which is why dentures need to be re-made every 5 years max) and why the Poligrip is now useless and not holding them in her mouth properly. She can combine Poligrip with a bit of POWDER Poligrip for a better hold, but again, with dementia at play, IDK if she'd be able to do it herself.
Many dementia patients get upset when a loved one visits. They seem to save up all their frustration and angst for when we are there to listen to them vent, you know? My mother is 94+ and lives in Memory Care Assisted Living. She treats the caregivers like solid gold and me like dirt under her feet. She carries on and complains non-stop to me while we're on the phone or while I'm there in person; it's awful. She doesn't have ONE decent thing to say, and she cusses everyone out like a sailor. So my visits are short, needless to say.
Your mother may want you to agree with her vents and to just sit there and nod. That's what my mother wants from me. To tell her Yes Mom, the Place is Horrible, the Caregivers Suck, the Food is Disgusting, Nobody Loves You or Cares About You, etc. etc. She doesn't want me to fix anything for her, she just wants to complain and moan and curse in general and have me as an audience to listen to it, which is difficult. What she's saying is a bunch of lies so it's hard TO agree with her, but that's what she WANTS me to do. Do you think that's what your mother wants from you? And if so, can you do it?
If your visits are going to cause your mother grief, then you may want to rethink going there. If she's not looking for you to be her scratching post, then your presence in general may upset her b/c that's how dementia works sometimes. No rhyme or reason to it, just chaos and senselessness. You can visit from afar........go into the facility and watch her for a while, w/o her knowledge, just to satisfy yourself that she's ok by laying eyes on her. That can work. Or call her on the phone before you go to gauge what type of MOOD she's in......if she wants to go out for lunch or if she's too irritated to consider it. I think it's a stretch to suggest you may be 'pressuring her to think & behave in a way she's no longer capable of.' If you need more info about dementia in general, I suggest you get the book The 36 Hour Day which is an excellent reference type book on the subject which I've found to be very handy myself.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. I hate dementia with every ounce of my being and the never knowing WHAT to expect aspect of the damn condition. One day my mother is pretty lucid and with it, the next day she's talking pure gibberish and calling me her mother. Sigh. It really is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, and I'm sure it's the same for you. Sending you a hug of understanding & empathy, my friend.
As for the stains - ask your denturist, if it is possible to clean them without damaging them they will know how.
editing to add - I agree with funkygrandma about the reasons she's in a funk after your visits, especially if you are pressuring her to think and behave in a way she is no longer capable of.
You may want to try(for a short time anyway)keeping your visits to just once a week, and see how things go with her. If you see her mood is better, then you can try increasing your visits.
I'm sure this is hard on you, but I think you're at the point now that you must do what is best for mom and not for you. I'm wishing you the best.