A few details first: My mother is 70, celiac, with RH, and spinal fusion. She is mentally sharp, and she is physically capable of cooking for herself. She lives with us but has her own section (in-law suite) with her own kitchen.
Problem - Mom hates to cook for herself and gets angry at us for not catering to her dietary needs all the time when we cook.
We cook a few times per week (usually Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday) we order out once, and then often visit friends on the weekend in the evenings or eat leftovers.
My husband and I have 2 kids that live with us, and 1 grown kid who is married with a child and often needs our help (they are moving and doing renovations). We both work full-time and have very busy lives, so cooking is pushed to the wayside and we do what we must to get through the days. And we have time, we try to enjoy ourselves a bit and not stress.
Mom has special dietary restrictions, no gluten, and low-fodmap foods, everything makes her poop..literally everything. This makes her list of foods that she actually eats super small. We don't eat that way (it's unhealthy), we enjoy a variety of foods and vegetables and we don't have time to prepare something special for her all the time.
She has all these rules on how to cook the food, etc. It's exhausting. So we typically cook our dinner and let her eat whatever she wants from it. Often times she will take none of it, and then complains and slams her door shut and mutters that she has to cook again.
This is draining for us, as we are not her special food restaurant service/chef, etc. and we don't have the energy to constantly make multiple food items, which end up not getting eaten!
Plus she is capable of cooking! What do we do? How do you handle an expectant mother that thinks we are supposed to cater to her when she is totally capable?
I think you need to sit mom down and explain what you just told us. Your lives are too busy to serve as her full time chef and dish washer. You are sorry, but if she wishes to continue to live with you she will need to take care of her own dietary needs, and when she is no longer able to do that she will likely have to move somewhere that can accomodate her better than you are able to.
Your house. Your rules. As we used to say to the teens.
Will she like that? No. But then life is full of things we don't like, isn't it. We just have to live with it.
I am 73 and very able to cook. (We eat out alot) Have you told her your not her Specialty restaurant? You have given her a place to live, that does not mean your her chef. Have you looked into those mail food deliveries? Maybe there is one that can customize for her diet. Its really up to her to shop and cook those foods she needs to eat, not you. She should be paying her own way.
If Mom has Dementia, she may have forgotten how to cook. If she doesn't, do not disable her. She should be doing everything for herself that she is capable of doing. Allowing her to live with you does not make you her slaves. Go on with your life. If she does not like living with you, she can go to an Assisted Living or Independent living or an apt of her own.
Green Chef
Hello Fresh
Factor
Home Chef
BistroMD
Martha Stewart & Marley Spoon
Fresh and Easy
Every Plate
They all offer gluten free options. If mom can no longer prepare the food or doesn’t want to she can hire someone to help her in the kitchen.
All of these companies have convenient, easy to prepare meals. They also offer discounts and coupons for your first order.
My daughters have ordered from some of these companies and have been pleased.
Best wishes to you.
If she is capable of cooking, she should cook for herself and not be catered to bc she's an elder and using that Get Out of Jail Free Card too often. Living with you is a privilege that carries responsibilities with it and doesn't mean she's waited on hand and foot.
Get rid of the mindset that you have to cater to moms every whim. Either she needs a higher level of care in AL or she agrees to pull her weight in your home by not being such a burden with her food requirements. Have a heart to heart talk with her about expectations from BOTH of you moving forward.
Good luck!
She demonstrates anger, unrealistic expectations, OCD about rules for cooking, irrationality, and these are all concerning mental behaviors. It will only get worse.
It's time for her to live somewhere else where she can be managed by professional caregivers and her diet will be served to her by chefs trained in such matters.
Such is life.
Maybe remind her that if she wants to remain independent, she needs to do for herself as long as she is able. 70 is not all that old. Why is she giving up already? She may live another 20 years.
Because she doesn't want to cook does not give her a pass go card.
I would sit her down give her options: Order In at her expense, move to AL or cook herself. Time to set some boundaries and stick to them.
Good Luck!
I would not cave in on her rants
How did your mother come to live with you? And how did she come to expect meals cooked for her?
Has she always been demanding and entitled? Or is this a recent development?
I'm the same age as she. It boggles my mind that she expects to be waited on.
Is her depression being treated?
Low FODMAP is something that is only supposed to last for a few weeks, right? To figure out what foods are causing diarrhea?
Is she being followed by a gastro doc?
How certain are you that her executive functioning and planning abilities intact? Being able to plan and cook healthy meals is one of those things that is one of the first to "go" in my experience with the early stages of cognitive loss.
Regardless, looking (maybe not too far) into the future, your mother will most probably become demanding about a lot more than her meals. Is the plan that she continue to live with you as she needs more help? Are you the plan to be her caregiver? (If so, BEWARE!)
How did you come to be the one who took your mother in? How long has she been living with you?
What are her finances? Does she pay for anything? There are meal plans, but they are pricey. If you go that route, your mother should be paying and not you.
For me, I found that I end up throwing too much food away, especially fresh items, because it wasn't always eaten and sometimes never even got prepared before it went bad. Because of this I feel I justify what I spend for prepared or semi-prepared meals.
Several others have recommended a lot of various services which I have tried from time to time and many times they were very helpful. I have found I just don't do well planning around a subscription service. A few local grocery stores actually offers similar meal "kits" in their meat section that are similar to what the mail order services provide and I choose what I want. The point is, I have found a lot of options to be able to have meals that don't require me to do as much shopping, preparing, cooking and properly storing food.
One thing to consider is she may miss being able to sit with the family at mealtimes. Suggest to her that if she will prepare her own meal, she can bring her plate to your table and she is still welcome to eat from what you have prepared as well.
I'd like to help you with your meal planning Mom.
I'll point out that this is not a restaurant & I am not your personal chef.
Now let's start trialing these healthier choice gluten-free pre-made meal delivery seevices. Starting with *insert company name* this week.
Or if financially able try some of the meal delivery/meal prep services. They will have offerings that meet her needs. Or, if financially able, hire a cook to prep her meals 2x per wk. for rest of week.
She has options…you just need to present them and let her decide. If she can’t/won’t, then I guess she doesn’t eat unless she prepares it herself.
By now you know what irritates her stomach more than other things. For example fried chicken does, but baked or grilled doesn't. You want fried chicken for your family. Pull out one piece for her and grill/bake it while yours is frying. Then you might find out she really just wants company when she's eating.
If mom has the finances, look up food prep in your area and order some things that she can eat.
Does she have her gall bladder? I ask this because many people who had theirs removed suffer from immediate pooping after eating. Some have to go within about 30 minutes of eating and avoid going out to eat all together. No real fix for it that I know of, but the problem is real.
Using my 20/20 hindsight, I'd like you to consider that she may have dementia. I know you said she's mentally sharp and physically capable, just as my mother appeared to be until recently. She could fool people into thinking she was perfectly fine as little as 2 years ago. But her behaviour towards us became demanding and unreasonable years and years earlier. There was no reasoning with her. I suspect that, as tasks became more difficult, she took it out on us. I could be wrong. Just keep it in mind.
suggest a couple of meetings with a counsellor and/or dietician. The counsellor can be the objective "expert" to help your family and your mom deal with this impasse regarding food expectations. The dietician - ask for a referral from her doctor - can help to outline meal plans that are healthier for your mother and meet her needs.
As someone stated, I would hire a personal chef temporarily. They can/could come up with some meal ideas that she might like and so that you can get some ideas on what to prepare for her. In addition, they could come up with ideas on how to handle what you like and she likes, or prepare a meal in such of way that it will satisfy your tastes and her diet.
I have seen chefs put together frozen meals so that the person can just put them in the oven or microwave. I have also heard of personal chefs who will just prep the food, and you put it together.
Either way, I think you are going to need to hire a professional personal chef, probably at a significant cost, to achieve peace. Personally, once you get some ideas on what to look for and prepare, you probably will be able to take it forward.
P.S. Is there a restaurant that she like that prepares her type of food? If so, ask the restaurant if they have any recommendations on a personal chef. Just thoughts....
Grrr, anyway, long time ago.
Cooking for yourself can get boring and depressing, as anyone living alone for long will tell you. Cooking for yourself if you never enjoyed cooking to begin with, and have to cope with important dietary restrictions - well, if she's in a bad temper about it all the time I can see why.
Of course that doesn't mean she has to be ungracious about what you're prepared to share with her. And I'm relieved that you aren't bending over backwards trying to please her, because it probably isn't possible.
Is money an issue? I did a quick internet search for delivery services catering for special needs diets in your location and there certainly are options, only one is for people on benefits/low incomes and another delivers tailored fresh meals but (I haven't checked) looks as if it might be on the pricey side.
How was she managing shopping and nutrition before she lived with you?
https://www.amazon.com/Joy-Cooking-Fully-Revised-Updated/dp/1501169718