Mom with moderate dementia insists on sewing but it aggravates her. Should we try to discourage or let it be?

Abby, your mom has dementia, yes? Trying to explain, rationally, something to a person with dementia is well nigh impossible.

I have two thoughts. One is to disappear the gowns, sewing machine and maybe the dolls. She'll be angry, but she may be less frustrated. Tell her that they were discovered to have bedbugs or something.

The other thing you might try is, if she's having a rational spell ( they DO happen) is to show her an article about poor brides in need of wedding gowns. Does she have some charitable instincts? Would she be happy to make others happy?

What a dilemma.I love to sew. I love to make Kimonos. And I can just FEEL what this would be like. Because you would WANT to do it and be unable. I wish I could advise. I hate like heck to think of taking it from her. But I hate the frustration of it for her. Is there anything like handstitching that might work, something else in really simple needlework, like rugbwork that you poke through the holes and tie?
My heart aches for her.

I began sewing when I was 13, progressing into making suits.  There's an inherent peace and sense of accomplishment in sewing.  

What I'd try is something simple, like the "fidget blankets".  Let her select the fabric, cut it, select the thread too.  You can baste it for her, and if she can't follow that using the machine (which you could also thread for her), just let her do whatever she can.   Hand sewing might be easier, especially if her vision isn't that strong.   (As I aged I had to remove my glasses more frequently to get a good look at what I was doing!)

It's going to be hard to balance the frustration of noncomprehension with the past benefit of accomplishment, but sometimes just handling the fabric and caressing it creates satisfaction.   

Help her by putting the patterns in a place you can find, if she can't, by threading the machine needle, and by creating several different pincushions, some of which you'll keep handy for her when others can't be located.

But I do think that fidget blankets might work; there's no set pattern, stitching can be done by hand, and it doesn't matter what the finished product looks like.

I'm not a sewer but I am a knitter, and I feel bad for your mom. I also feel bad for you and your dad. Does your mom remember making all those dresses for her dolls? Would she let you take off one of the dresses, turn it inside out, and examine it? Might that be enough to keep her interested and away from the patterns?

I have always LONGED to be able to sew, but I was so inept that MY FATHER had to make my dainty apron or I would still be in 7th grade today!

There are really delightful projects available in our local Walmart, that through the magic of Velcro, super glue, self stick fabric tape, iron-on appliqué and other such materials, can produce a finished product that even I am incapable of ruining, and look REALLY GOOD.

I haven’t seen any doll dresses specifically but you might find a substitute that can satisfy her creative heart without creating frustration.

I’d also try the local craft stores and dollar stores. Maybe she’d be willing to try to “help” YOU make an autumn wreath for your front door or Christmas ornaments for the Church Bazaar or how about making doll furniture (kits available) ??

If she’s willing to TRY something different, of course she’d be praised outlandishly for her project. Hopefully you can find something FUN for her!!

How about helping her focusing on the planning her projects and exploring other types of crafts. Fashion magazines to gather images. On line images of fabric that can be examined by enlargement.

YouTube offers many craft videos Some of them are doll related others cover other crafts that are fun to watch. Doll face makeovers, redesigning of clothes, as well as intricate finger nail art!

I sew, I know the peace and contentment that she is searching for. The creating of beautiful or useful items, the rhythm of the sewing machine, the mindless concentration that allows you the ability to think, the purpose, these are what sewing means for me, judging from responses I am not the only one that finds sewing beyond therapeutic.

What about you helping her with keeping track of items and threading the machine? Then encourage her to make lap throws or baby blankets that can be delivered to the neonatal ICU or to the AL you are hoping to get her in. She can do them as simple 2 sided throws or use scraps and sew them together randomly, which is pretty simple. Or make blankets for the local animal shelter? Lots of simple items that have a tremendous need and impact. Directing her to be helpful might be the change needed for her to switch gears. Just an idea.

Another thought, would she be willing to part with any dolls? If yes she could adopt a woman and children crisis home and make small throws and gift a doll and blanket for the little girls in the shelter, and make larger ones for the older girls who are oft times forgotten in these places.

Thank you everyone for great suggestions.....sometimes we just get so bogged down with the day to day that seemingly clear alternatives are blurred with our own frustrations as well. Hopefully mom will expand her horizons and find enjoyment once again in her long lost hobby.

Is there something different she could do with the dolls? Tell each doll's story, written or recorded? Photograph them too? At the end of making the clothes, now might be the time to archive the achievement.

See if you can change her desire to sew something else besides the tiny doll clothes. Maybe show her a simple quilt block and get her to stitch those together. I would not remove the dolls or the machine because she still remembers those things as something she did quite well.

Or find a very simple toddler pattern and let her try that. Very few pieces, straight sewing lines, no gathering or detail. Just see where it goes

Ann Reid has a good suggestion in switching from sewing to crafting.  Wreaths are easy to make, and it's easy to put one together.    If you have a garden or access to grapevines, you can harvest them and help her wind them around the base to create the wreath.

Dry herbs or specific flowers (like Lunaria, oregano, sage, artemisias) and let her choose which to use in the wreaths.

Or take her to Michael's or JoAnn Fabrics to select artificial flowers.    I've never gone through that section of either store without having my spirits elevated.  Even if the flowers are artificial, the beauty is so inspirational.

An even easier project is to create an arrangement in a vase.   All you need is a good sized vase and flowers.   No sewing involved, but she could cut out a swatch of lovely fabric to match and tie it as a ribbon around the vase.

I think I know how you feel. My mom used to knit and crochet. She made beautiful sweaters for our kids when they were babies and toddlers. As they grew, she made hats, scarves, blankets, mittens and slippers. When I take her shopping, she always wants to buy pattern books, needles and yarn. However, when she sits down to "create," she sadly cannot remember how. One of the nurses at her memory care facility used to come to her room on her breaks and try to help her but poor Mom just can't comprehend how to do it anymore.

She also used to make very intricate jewelry and I bought her some stones and beads and some fine stretchy cord to make bracelets or necklaces. She was thrilled, but she hasn't done it. The beads they give her at craft time at the facility are the type you'd give a 6 year old to string with yarn. She did make a necklace out of various shades of pink beads and proudly presented it to me because she knows it's my favorite color. I thanked her profusely but was a little sad because it's nowhere near what she used to be able to do. She used to take a lot of pride in making gifts for people. She did the knitting/crocheting, beading, stained glass, ceramics, and some sewing. It's hard to see her struggle and get so frustrated because she can't do those creative things. She likes to color and that helps. I've given her adult-pattern coloring books and crayons and markers. Maybe your mom would enjoy that too. She could maybe create paper dolls and make dresses for them that way. Not the same, but perhaps an acceptable substitute.

You can try giving her a project that requires shoe laces to 'sew' with rather than a sewing machine. Or an activity such as Lacing cards & Sewing cards:

http://www.anythingbutbingo.co.uk/sewing-adapted-activity-for-someone-with-dementia.aspx
The first photo on this link shows a lacing project from Melissa & Doug puzzles. They make fantastic products which you can check out online or at Wal Mart.

Also, check out this Pinterest link for sewing ideas for those with dementia:

https://www.pinterest.com/cutiebeauty7/dementia-activities/?autologin=true

When I go into work tonight at the Memory Care community where I work, I will ask if the activity director knows of any special ideas for people such as your mom.

Best of luck!

That too is my dad. Get a transition counselor, take the Savvy caregiver training class thru Elder Options if military go thru the VA. It will help and give you good suggestions. Ask for a CNA certified nurses assistant, coordinate times with her so you can go to class that will give you some respite, so that when she is sewing she won't irritate you for a few hours. They say let them do what they can still do to keep them active. You have it somewhat easy as my dad still wants to drive and they won't take his liscense. He got it thru the mail for two years. At least he lets me drive, but I have no life to speak of. My brother doesn't help he can go fly a kite for all I care. I'm just really surprised never thought our small family would be like this.
Try to get out but let her do her thing while she can as long as she isn't hurting herself physically.

My mom sewed beautifully, knitted, crocheted, embroidery, etc. She sold at craft shows. She loved it. Doesn’t do it because of her Parkinson’s now but she has happy memories of her crafting.

Oh Abby, how awful for you and your poor mother. Can you imagine the frustration for her?!

I don't know if this would be worth trying, but what about undressing the dolls and talking to her about how their costumes were made? If you can divert her onto dressing and undressing rather than making new models, and tactfully remove triggers like the sewing machine bit by bit, perhaps it would help to wean her off.

She doesn't like petit point or anything like that? Far fewer steps to tax her functional memory, and there are some beautiful materials to work with.

Or... this is a long shot... if you have a college or school near you that offers a related course, what about seeing if you can recruit an "apprentice"? Your mother could pass on some of her fund of knowledge, and the student being on hand could keep the pin cushion and pattern and notions in order. (This might also be a handy way of finding a "good home" for some of the surplus stash).

We have an acronym in knitting circles: SABLE, which stands for Stash Acquired Beyond Life Expectancy - and we're all guilty!

CM,

You are right about surplus. I have extra of everything because so often you need one thing but it only sold in larger quantities, therefore leaving extras behind!

Would taking everything away make her forget??? Sounds a bit of a gamble. Could you not have a specific doll making time when you sit with her and you both do it sharing the job out in a way she can manage - choose material, trims, pin parts, (keep patterns to a minimum so she can choose what you know you have all of). You could cut out, use machine etc.

You will miss those days when she becomes bedridden.

Some good suggestions below about trying to switch to working with someone or perhaps to crocheting or some other similar craft. And there are knitting and craft groups, which she might enjoy. Definitely get rid of most of the excess materials and keep only a few things in a box in her craft room. She probably gets pleasure about looking at her dolls and materials, so it might be beneficial to keep some of them. My mother was also an avid crafter. She opened the boxes occasionally and looked through the materials. At some point you should remove all sharp object (scissors, seam cutters, etc. and only use them when you can do the cutting).

My mother loved to sew and was an excellent seamstress. She made a lot of my clothes as a child and for others as well. As she got older she took to doing alterations and mending rather than making clothes. When dementia took over and clouded her mind she had to give that up as well. She never said anything to me about missing her dearly loved hobby but knowing how much she enjoyed it, I would give her a sock to mend etc. I would start the process for her as to keep up with the needle and also use contrasting thread to make it easier to see. I also let her use a pair of blunt children's craft scissors to trim frays from dish towels. I'd have a lot smaller dish towel when she was done but who cares right ☺? Is there an older doll dress that the hem has come out of (maybe on purpose ) that she could hand sew? Would she like to fold small pieces of fabric or maybe have a shoebox full of sewing notions like assorted buttons, zippers, tape measure etc that she could fiddle with. Best of luck. Know how sad this must be for you.

I love the ideas you already have below here. The one additional idea that came to my mind as I read your post was maybe finding sewing tools, machine even that are made for children learning. I'm not sure what is available or how realistic they are but perhaps there are scissors, machine, needles made for younger just learning sewers with more safety in mind? The other thought being encouraging her to do the planning, maybe pour through pattern books and fabric on her own and schedule times to work on them together so it would be a project you could do together, maybe she is passing on her knowledge to you, when it comes to the actual sewing etc. This way you would be there to thread needles, keep the pin cushion at her fingertips and take over when she is confused, doing something dangerous or whatever your reason in a way that just circumvents her frustration. But I really like the idea of documenting the history of each doll and clothing too, maybe she could draw or paint them!!

I only recently learned you can use a "needle threader" to thread a sewing machine!

Have you tried those cards that you sew with yarn, kids used to do them when I was younger. Or maybe she could crochet?

Have you tried adult coloring books? I know of many that used them and they saved the sanity of all. You can even get apps to color on a tablet or computer now.

There are some wonderful ideas here, as usual. Just one caveat — from experience with my Mom. She was very good at crafts and enjoyed them a lot. When she realized she could no longer follow a knitting pattern, she was crushed. We tried simple knit, purl small blanket squares for underprivileged children in Africa. No go. Excited when we mentioned it, but just doing the basic stitch again and again she got bored. With coloring, even though they were adult coloring books and we did it together, she remained convinced that coloring was for children (same response to anything that was a child’s toy or tool that we tried to get her to try — “I’m not a child!” So, no solutions here, sadly, but just what I hope will be encouragement that when she turns down some of your suggestions and attempts, you are able to accept that and not take it personally. Imagine not only being unable to do what you used to be able to do, but to have your mind mocking you by continuing to remember what you used to do and be repeatedly reminded (each time you try) that you can no longer do it. My current examples are my husband with fixing things around the house, mowing the lawn, getting his drill out for some “project”, etc. He’s not yet dangerous enough to hurt himself, but he is able to inflict some damage on house, garage, anything that needs maintenance, etc. He is also very sensitive to and averse to anything that looks like a child’s version of what he has done as an adult. Wouldn’t it be nice if they didn’t remember how competent they used to be? (Nice for us — not for them.). My heart aches for both of you, for my deceased Mom, my very much alive husband, and all others who deal with this grim and cruel disease.

Abby, I know it's frustrating to see your LO no longer able to enjoy the activities that once brought them so much pleasure, but, from my experience, there is really not much you can do to prevent this. If the brain is no longer able to tell the boy how to do the tasks, it's unlikely it will improve with dementia. And, it's unlikely that she would be able to learn a new way. Learning new ways is usually not something they can process due the brain damage. What I noticed is there may even be something similar to obsession about the activity. The obsession, frustration and exasperation may be too distressing. I agree amount moving everything and see how it goes. My LO used to enjoy her pet cat. She loved the cat and it was the center of her days. But, after dementia, the focus on the cat became unreasonable. She was not able to care for the cat in a normal way and the frustration to her became very upsetting. Once the cat was gone, she was much relieved, though she missed it at first. Within weeks, she no longer remembered the cat at all.

If you do leave all the items, she'll likely stay frustrated, stressed and make those around her as well. Sometimes, these things will just work themselves out over time. Eventually, she'll just let it go. I might be a little concerned though that she might injure herself with a sewing machine needle or regular pins, needles and scissors. She will eventually need to be directly supervised as people with dementia can swallow nonfood items or hurt themselves with sharp objects.

Far less helpful than other comments, but just to say that my mother habitually did the laundry on certain days. One day I caught a glimpse of her pouring liquid detergent in (she was using my supply which was disappearing WAY too quickly) without measuring, and just pouring loops of it around the top of the machine....I figured let it go, no harm since my clothing wasn't in there....BUT at one point Dad developed a very bad case of something that led to an ER visit where he was dx with hives. Quickly resolved, but that was when we simply locked the laundry room door. Oh there have been a couple episodes of her trying the door knob, pushing on it, throwing herself against it; getting dad's key ring and trying various keys without success (thank god!) but pretty much it's all forgotten now.

Maybe she could switch from production to curation. It would be good for her to explain the detailing on the dolls she has already created making a catalog of her work (imagine pictures of details, etc). The dolls could go on display perhaps. The local library, historical society, senior center, or assisted living facility where there are other people who likely appreciate them and her handiwork. You might be able through this to determine which ones are more precious (to keep as family heirlooms). In this process you might find new homes for some of them (don't tell her!) As far as the many wedding gowns, there is an organization who makes angel gowns for babies that have passed, so even a gown that has been cut up a little can still be used https://www.nicuhelpinghands.org/programs/angel-gown-program/. Even someone who does not have dementia would have a hard time keeping track of 300 gowns and their features in order to find "the one" that has the right lace or detail. Paring down that stash would be helpful to begin with. Last thought is all this could be facilitated by a young person. Is there a teenage or very responsible tween grandchild, girl scout, 4-H, crafter, neighbor she could teach her craft to? Someone patient who could thread the needle for her for example. This person could be earning a sewing badge or volunteer hours for National Honor Society, etc. Finding a young person to interact with your mom might help. The power struggles between parent and grown child can "fall away" when a young person is thrown into the equation. Who knows, your mom might enjoy this new friendship and the young one might as well. Just make sure you supervise (at arm's length) at the beginning to make sure all is well). Have a snack/tea whatever to finish up the session (away from the dress things) each time they visit.

Similar to ArtistDaughter post, I was thinking if some of her dolls could be donated to a local library where she could be featured as the artist and maybe talk about how she made the clothes, etc. She might be encouraged to donate them all so others can appreciate them.

I bet there are people that would love to learn what she could teach them.
Check with the local History Museum in your town and see if they have any ideas.
You might even want to suggest a display of all the dolls and give a detailed history how she started this hobby and when.
I am in awe of any one that can sew. It has been one thing that does not "click" with me.
You could also check with the local Library for the same thing and see if they want a display as well.
And if she has been collecting wedding dresses that is another thing that many people would love. And if by chance there area any intact. There are people that would love Vintage Dresses for themselves to wear.

When my grandmother, who was an excellent seamstress, started having difficulty sewing, she switched to crocheting. This seemed to fill the need for her to keep her hands busy and make things for her grandchildren.