Mom with dementia had a dream about my family betraying her. She thinks it happened and was not a dream. What can I do?

My 95 yo mother had post-operative delirium. In addition to being convinced that all the nurses were in on 'stealing' her home, and that some of them had emptied her home and were already living in her home because she 'saw' it (even though I showed her photos to the contrary) - She had an extremely vivid dream where she saw me die in a car accident - detailed and gory. She was so convinced that the dream she had was a news story on the the evening news (even where it happenedf-the milepost number on which freeway) that she had seen, that when I came by the next morning, she firmly believed that I was dead and that the woman she was talking to (me) was an imposter.

That 'they' (the people who were going to steal all her money (she didn't have much) and her home) that 'they' had convinced some indebted woman to pretend to me - 'they' had done a face transplant so the stranger would look like me, and 'they' had transferred all my memories into her brain via a special machine!! She even quizzed me - asking question from my/our past i.e., what was the name of my first pet; what was the address of the house we lived in by the lake; what was the name of my first bf; what was the name of my 2nd cousin....like 25 questions. And whenever I couldn't remember or answered incorrectly (because honestly, I have enough stuff to remember in everyday life) she would triumphantly shout - 'see - you ARE the imposter'.

This went on for over 2 weeks...she would tell all the nurses, the physical therapists, etc that I was an imposter. But an imposter who showed up was better than noone...

We tried everything - from asking HER questions about the past (she couldn't answer all of them) to diverting her attention to something else, taking her out of her room for a change of scenery.....but she held steadfast that I was an imposter.

A month later, when she was transitioning into hospice, she still was not 100% convinced that I was the real deal although she was like 60% that maybe I was. Even though I showed up every day, spending 8-12 hours a day with her, handling all of her life - house, insurances, doctors, etc. Bringing her all her favorite things to eat and nibble on....didn't matter. Once that delusion set in, it didn't go away.

It was very sad, frustrating, and emotionally difficult and challenging.

When I read this story, I was reminded of all the patients everywhere who are left with caregivers or friends of the family and some of them feel betrayed. I was hoping you never have to bring a caregiver in that she thinks is like the woman in her dream. In this way it would seem almost like a premonition.

I really hope she doesn't wander away like a previous poster said she might. I once visited a house where they had locks on both sides of the door and my hostess had to unlock her door to get out of the house to go to work in the morning, I was told they locked themselves in so they won't sleepwalk into the outdoors at night. Maybe you could try this too.

One of my patients told me that someone knocked on the window in the middle of the night and this scared me enough to call the police. A supervisor came the next day and insisted that he imagined it even though she was not there. I have had patients with dementia or were is diagnosed mentally ill but I don't always assume that everything they tell me is a paranoid imagination. Very recently, a confused, elderly patient told me about some criminal activity going on in our neighborhood and I believed him and later on found out from social media and the news that this was true.

Dear BDYuma,

I read something very similar and I’d like to share that with you.

The technique has two very important components:
1. It’s important to not flatly deny because as I’m sure you know by now, her reality is simply different from yours. So to her, as she continues to tell you, it did actually happen and denying her reality will not ever be helpful. Instead It will scare her.
2. Talk about the dream with her. And take the time to spell it out (while not demeaning her). For ex: “Let’s talk about this dream you had. Tell me, what did the woman look like? After she tells you. Tell her that together you and she can get to the bottom of this. “Mom, let’s look through these photos and you can tell me if you see her.” If she points to someone then make a fake call or ask a friend to help you. Tell the person: “My mom told us about your intentions and we want you to know we love our mother more than anyone in the world and she’ll be staying with us. You are not welcome here ever. Are we clear? Etc.” Word it in the syntax you and your mom speak. And make sure she’s with you and can understand. Then take her hands and tell her again (use her love language) how much she means to you both and then tell her “I’m so glad that’s settled aren’t you mom?” Try to stay away from open ended questions or this could go on.

3. You may have to repeat this — remember your patience and you must live in her world—to an extent.

4. If that doesn’t help after three or four times, I’m confident it will, but if not check with her doctor, sometimes new meds can bring on these kinds of dreams.

Wish you all the very best in this journey you’re all on together.

It sounds like her dementia has gotten worse at this point, and people who have advanced cases of dementia often imagine or make up events that did not happen at all and it's like she has trouble separating fantasy from reality. I don't think it would do any good at all to reason with her with her now. I would just brush it off if she brings it up again and do your best to ignore her. Dementia changes the mood often for the worse instead of the better because it messes up the mind and emotions together in a muddled disorganized manner.

My dad had several dreams like that and it was so absurd and disturbing and interesting enough those dreams he would never forget and yes it would expand with greater and stranger details. I took my dad to see his neurologist and she prescribed medication as it turns out it was hallucinations. Talk to your mom’s neuro as these dreams can only expand and become more complicated and frustrating to manage.

best wishes to you and yours

BDYum: Imho, it's best to speak with her physician to see what he or she suggests on this issue, e.g. perhaps new or additional medication will be required. Best of luck.

My sister is in her mid 60's and she did the very same thing to me. She confronted me with a story about something that she was certain that I did that caused her a great deal of pain. When she told me this she expected me to admit what I had done was wrong and make a full confession to her and then our mother. Her version of the story was so far off base that it was laughable. When I confronted her with the facts she accused me of lying to cover up "the real story". It would be rare that you can convince your mother that this incident did not take place. I have never been able to convince my sister. I would let your mother cool off and ignore it. You can however try to do things to reassure her. "No woman was here and we aren't leaving you". "You are welcome to stay her as long as you wish". There are some great suggestions posted. I have never been able to convince my sister that the incident never happened.

We experienced similar but took a different tack. After we asked questions, my mother built on stories so they became more detailed, sinister and ridiculous over time.

Example: Over months, a simple “I was woken by a sound at the door.” grew into how a woman in a brown sweater was trying to break down her door to rob her but then she left and walked past the shed, along the ravine then behind our house towards the woods and looped around the pond then she crossed the bridge, ducked under the fence and finally cut across the corn field where she walked into the house next door. (never mind how she could never see this without binoculars and X-ray vision)

We found it best to shut it down with a solid explanation that removes the scare. “She was very upset after a fight with her husband and came to your house to use your phone. They are now divorced and she lives in a nice house in Any Town with her best friend.” Repeat ad nauseam.

Talk with Mom's doctor about this behavior because it is not normal. A social worker may also help

My late husband had Alzheimers and went through times like that. I was accused of holding hands with someone else while he was sitting beside me. Now my 91 y/o Mom who also has alzheimers lives with my husband and me. Someone sent me the 10 Commandments of Alzheimers Communication which i have found helpful.
1. Never argue, instead agree.
2. Never reason, instead divert.
3. Never shame, instead distract.
4. Never lecture, instead reassure.
5. Never say "remember", instead reminisce.
6. Never say "I told you", instead repeat/regroup.
7. Never day "you can't ", instead do what they can.
8. Never command/demand, instead ask/model.
9. Never condescend, instead encourage.
10. Never force, instead reinforce.

I realize this won't fit every occasion that arises but it has helped my husband and me to deal with things on a day to day basis. Just thought I would share.

I will pray that your mom comes to accept things as they are and not as they seem.

You're just going to have to wait it out. She'll forget about it. In the meantime, refuse to discuss it with her.
Whenever she starts bringing it up tell her it was a dream that isn't real and let that be the end of it. Do not discuss it further.
She will forget about it.
It might also be a good idea to ask her doctor to prescribe some anti-anxiety meds for her that can be given as needed.

her dream is my reality; just ignore her

Let me start with a short story:
When a demented wife calls the police at 3am, who gets told to leave the house? I lived that life.

The short answer for you is this-It Is Time. It is time to get her in a long term care facility. It took me a week and some chicanery to get her to go "voluntarily."

My friend your situation is difficult. The longer you wait, the more difficult it will be until it becomes impossible.

As I tell everyone: Don't kill yourself keeping them alive.

And as others have said, check for UTI.

Let her tell you what she wants to say about this intruder...but encouraging her to expand on the details may only make the incident even more 'real' to her. Trying to convince her the incident never happened is not going to be effective, given her dementia.
Telling her that the bad woman ran away when mother saw her, and that mother should tell you if she thinks the bad woman is around again...then try to engage her in something she enjoys....and try to keep your voice and body language relaxed as you start another activity. Hopefully she will go along with whatever you are suggesting you do together, and the focus on the bad woman will eventually fade out.

Thank you for your insights. Although I am not the OP, I have gleaned valuable information. Both my husband (FTD and MCI) and my father (91, getting forgetful) are having vivid dreams and sometimes have a hard time shaking themselves out of them.

Great answers on this thread . Validate her feelings - maybe pretend to call the police . I notice my Mom got very paranoid people were walking in and stealing . The Doctor hurt her ? My Dad gets paranoid - sometimes all you can do is listen . Check for UTI . Hang in there maybe a big Hug will comfort her and you too

Be careful with "needs to find somewhere to live". My daughter in law's mom had those same feelings, and would NOT stay either at home or any relative's home, but kept getting "lost". She'd wander around. One time, she was arrested for something as a homeless person. Another time, my son and his wife put her up in a hotel and she ran away. They tried to get her to go to a special place for people like her, but she REFUSED. They tried to get the courts to declare her non campus menus and take over her affairs, but she got doctors to sign saying she was fine. Everyone knows she's not, but now, no one knows where she is. She's one of the homeless. She used to be very intelligent and a teacher. Now, it is so sad. So, the IDEA of needing to find somewhere to live CAN lead to her WALKING AWAY and disappearing. There are some places who house people with what she has, and they put ankle alarms on so they can walk around the grounds. The grounds are usually gated and locked. Please find out how severe is your mom's case and do preventative work, realizing this might be the end result of her fantasy.

You can't reason with a person who has dementia. Try redirection and reassurance. You might want to keep telling her that this is her home and your home and you are not planning to leave. These kinds of paranoias about having to find another place to live are common with dementia. My mother thought she didn't have enough money to stay where she was (not true) and packed all of her suitcases to leave. If she talks about "going home," this can be symbolic, meaning going back to a time when life was better for her and she was independent.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but that behavior is only going to get worse. Dont let it ruin your marriage. I did mine in 4 yrs.... Start looking for options now.

It is very hard to deal with when they get fixated on a story in their heads. My husband is convinced my cousin stole his mother's turkey platter last year. (I brought the turkey to the table on it, but impossible to him convince it's here).

I hope you are not taking this personally. Hopefully your mom's dementia will help her forget this very soon. Otherwise, you will not be able to convince her of anything. You can tell her, no, that's not going to happen but she will likely not believe you. And that's OK.

Ask her questions about her dream to validate her feelings, The experience isn't real but her feelings about abandonment are. Keep reassuring her of your care, love and concern for her. Eventually, it will fade.

With the dementias, the patients confuse dreams with reality quite often. It's actually known as:

Oneirophrenia in dementia: when the difference between dream and reality becomes clouded.

https://medcraveonline.com/SMDIJ/oneirophrenia-in-dementia-when-the-difference-between-dream-and-reality-becomes-clouded.html

You're not going to be able to convince your mother that what she had was a dream, so don't bother. You're best off going along with her delusions; that's what I've found. If she'd like to research Memory Care ALFs, have at it mother. Just keep reminding her you love her & are happy to have her living with you. Hopefully, this moment in time will pass and she'll forget all about it, or the memory will be replaced with a different one. If not, call the doctor and ask about a mild relaxant like Ativan or Xanax for her. My mother has advanced dementia and had become quite agitated over EVERYTHING recently. Ativan .25 mgs at 7 pm every evening has helped her (so far, anyway) tremendously. She's become quite pleasant to speak to, even, which is a huge change.

If you've noticed a foul odor with her urine, a frequency in urination, or something along those lines, then she can definitely have a UTI going on. If not, then she's just confusing dreams with reality, which my mother does quite regularly without any organic issues going on.

Wishing you the best of luck with THE worst disorder on earth to deal with.

I too would ask more questions about the mystery woman. How tall was she, what was she doing, and so forth. I'd also have a favorite snack ready as a diversion-just to change the energy of the discussion. I know that I've woken from dreams wondering what in the world was I dreaming about, weeellll....dementia obviously has that part of the brain as its play ground and this is how it's manifested in your Mom's behavior. Anyway, if the diversion tatic doesn't work-talk to her doctor(s) about anti-depressives or a mild sedative.
Heck last week my husband was on a rant about wanting a divorce and that we needed to see a marriage couseler, and he couldn't go on like this. Yep. I played along a little with it, and then left the room. This week it's the "I don't know what I'd do without you" husband. He is officially in his own world now. A world that I get to visit, listen to and wonder how much he is suffering as dementia's cruel grip strips away the man I once knew. I hate the disease. But am so much better at dealing with the nuttiness, there's really nothing one can do about it, pushing back is like playing with a tar baby, may as well disengage and not stress over this.

Please get her tested for a UTI right away. These can cause delusions like this with no other symptoms.

If no UTI, you need to talk to her doctor about the fact that she's had a change in mental status--that she is having delusions.

So what I'm learning — and honestly, it's hard to do — is to just lean in and ask questions. "What did the woman say?" "What was she wearing?" "Do you think we need to call the police?" We all want to be like, this is ridiculous, just stop, but asking about it and having her go over it will hopefully a. make her feel like you are listening to her and her fears and b. help her see that it doesn't really make sense, of course nobody came into the house.

I am like you where I don't want to indulge these fantastical things because it feels wrong. But sometimes being serious about it is enough.