My mom willingly supports her grandson's family. She pays their car payments, gives them cash, and cosigns on loans. Is this financial abuse?

You can speak to:

your mother
your nephew
your nephew's parents

and explain that payments given to this young man by his grandmother must be accounted for in any case. And, if Medicaid may ultimately come into it too, you could also point out that these sums will then need to be repaid.

You say your mother provided him with "houses." ?! I can understand a person claiming he needed to pay college tuition fees and actually going ski-ing instead, but how could there be a similar sleight of hand over a whole house? Let alone more than one?

Regarding co-signatures on loans, and similar undertakings such as guarantees, you need to tell your nephew to stop asking her. Be blunt about it. You can try telling your mother to stop doing it but the odds are that as soon as nephew wheedles she'll forget everything you've said. So you have to tackle him.

On the abuse question: has it always been your mother's habit to indulge this grandchild in this way? Going all the way back? If so, he's more carrying on a regrettable tradition than abusing her vulnerability in old age. Nevertheless, now that she is older and more frail, it is time to call a halt in any case.

Is there any reason why you can't expect his parents' co-operation?

So his mother is your sister? And she was in the habit of spoiling her son until her new husband put a stop to it?

You might see a lawyer about how to give the grandson formal notice to desist. On the other hand: to the outside observer his behaviour is just disgusting. Sponging off an old lady like this! Are you not able to tell him so, clearly but tactfully?

But if your mother transferred the money to him without asking for documentation and of her own free will, where's the fraud? His excuses and reasons might have been lies, but they don't amount to fraud.

I think you don't have Power of Attorney for your mother, do you? So you have no formal responsibility to protect her interests?

You are clearly concerned about creating tension and conflict in the family.

You have no actionable evidence of fraud or financial abuse.

So essentially, you're just appalled by your nephew's cheerful exploitation of his grandmother. And who wouldn't be?

Is there a family lawyer you might have a constructive conversation with?

From your profile, it appears that your Mom's health issues are heart/stroke. Is there any Alzheimer's/Dementia involved?   If not, then Mom can spend her money any way she wishes, even if you disapprove.

All you can do is try to advise her that later down the road if she needs Medicaid to help pay for her care and housing, she may not get it right away because Medicaid will consider the loans, tuition, and any money handed over to Grandson as "gifts", which any of this was done within the past 5 years.  This will be complex for an elder to understand.

If Mom is not handling her finances well, see if she will allow you to help her as long as you have financial Power of Attorney.   Hopefully she has all her legal documents in order, POA, Living Will, etc.   I know for my Dad when I asked him if I could help him write out his checks for bills, he was more than happy to hand over the whole responsibility.

hello caring2,

You are right, it is madness. After much research there seems to be more recognition that elder financial exploitation is a huge problem in our society. There is also very little advice on specific steps one can take to stop the abuse. I think that the advice in prior posts to talk to an attorney is good. I hope that others with similar situations will post over time with their experience and suggestions.

I would certainly consult an attorney. Maybe one option to explore, if your mother agrees to it, is to have your name on your mother's accounts and have it set up in such a way that two signatures are required when a cheque is written and any money transferred.

Also, if the rest of the family is on board that this 'sponging' has to stop, I would call a family meeting and discuss this. You shouldn't have to go this alone.

Thank you for your response, it is very much appreciated. With regard to houses, my mother bought houses in her name, in two different cities, and her grandson and family lived there. No slight of hand, just major expenses being financed by Mom.  The tuition money is the one that was likely never used for that purpose, the college has no record of grandsons attendance.

Recent money transfers for medical, etc. are the ones I am not sure about, there is no expense documentation, so I wonder if this could be construed as fraud, and maybe easier to prove than elder abuse.

My mother has indulged her grandchild for 15+ years, ever since his mom remarried to new husband who will not tolerate any assistance. They live large. They turn a blind eye to the situation.

To start I will talk with my mom, and grandson.

Would you recommend law enforcement or elder law attorney, or wait on this. This would be sure to stir things up with whole family, and not sure how to prove elder abuse or fraud.

However I cannot sit idly by and see mom's savings be mishandled. I really appreciate your thoughtful response, glad found this site.

Churchmouse,

Thanks for reply,

My sister stopped support (not spoiling) my nephew when she remarried, that is when he turned to my mom.

Five years ago immediately after mom's heart problems started my dad wrote a very specific email instructing grandson to stop relying on mom. Today that dependency is worse than ever.

I think that you are correct that consult with attorney would be first step. Mom has agreed to have me as POA for health care and finances. I believe that is only if she becomes disabled and unable to manage finances. I should get that completed right away.
There is already major tension in family (three sisters and father) over this very issue. Thanks for the advice, POA and attorney consult is first step.

This is ridiculous! No other suggestions other than wishing you all the best to put a stop to this madness!!!

How old is this nephew? And - it seems so obvious I didn't think to ask - what's stopping him standing on his own two feet?

Support has been from about age 21 to today, age 37.
I suppose that complete lack guidance from mostly absent father (out of the picture now); no male authority figure for guidance. Only a guess, of course.

Everyone in my family wants this to stop and I am thinking that it is up to me to address it, to find a solution. It really weighs on me every day.

Thanks.