My Mom (92) has an inoperable mass on her liver is now cancer. She will not eat or drink. What should I do?

You must be devastated about your mom's recent diagnosis. It probably hasn't even sunk in yet. I'm glad you're here and I'm glad you posted about your mom.

You made a great choice in enlisting the help of hospice. As for the feeding tube that your sister wants I'm pretty sure you'd have to take your mom off of hospice if you opted for a feeding tube as a feeding tube in not in keeping with the tenets of hospice. Your sister might benefit from learning more about what hospice does and doesn't do.

I would imagine that the hospice coordinators explained everything to you. Discussed with you your mom's inability to eat and drink. If you're still questioning things call your hospice. They will be more than happy to talk to you about it.

Since you asked, "What should I do?" I'll just share with you what I would do. If it were me and my mom I would not force feed her food or drink. She's no longer speaking and I would imagine that her body is going through the process of shutting down. The euphemism hospice uses is "transitioning". It's OK to do nothing. If you think she's in pain give her pain meds. If she becomes agitated give her anti-anxiety meds. Treat her symptoms so she's comfortable. Then be there for her as much as you can. As much as you're physically able but don't wear yourself down. You're going through a process as much as your mom is right now. You too need rest. Make sure you eat. And be your mom's advocate. Educate your sister. Have hospice talk to her if necessary. Putting a feeding tube into the stomach of a 92 year old woman with an inoperable liver mass who also has dementia is pretty radical and aggressive. And even if you chose to take that route you might be hard pressed to find a Dr. who would do it.

What your sister is feeling is natural. It's natural for us to want to give our loved ones food and water but what their body is going through is natural too. You know your mom better than anyone and you know what she'd want. It's now your job to make sure your mom gets what she wants.

I hope you check back in with us and let us know how you're doing.

i hope you don't listen to your selfish sister. I use the word selfish because she is only thinking of her own feelings. Not mom's Liver cancer and a feeding tube. Lord help us.

God bless you. And bless mom that her journey is peaceful and quick. Do not do this.

Consider keeping your Mom comfortable and letting nature run its course. Your sister can fly if it is important to her. It sounds like you are following your instinct and that is something you should not ignore. Hang in there.

Agree with the others, Yes, feeding tubes come with their own set of complications that your sister may not be away of. It sounds like it s your mum's time. Honour what you know about your mum. Keep her comfortable. Maybe hospice or some other professional can talk to your sister about what is and is not recommended for your mum and why. As Eyerish says - look after yourself as well. Your mum knows you love her. Do come back and let us know how things go. (((((((((hugs))))))))))

I'm very sorry for this terrible news. You have enough to cope with without people meddling.

It sounds as if your sister is clinging to the 'where there's life there's hope' theory. But hope of what? Prolonging your mother's life through heroic measures such as a feeding tube would be… it doesn't bear thinking about.

Focus on keeping your mother comfortable and reassured. I hope your sister does get there - she must be frantic to have had her travel disrupted in that way - but meanwhile if she calls and tries to insist on futile invasive treatment perhaps you could ask either the hospice nurse or your mother's doctor to have a gentle conversation with her.

Look after yourself, too, don't forget. Thinking of you.

With the dementia, also comes with problems. My bedridden mom tried several times to pull out the feeding tube and even her trache.... With the liver cancer, depending on what stage she's in, she will have to deal with the severe onset of pain. Do Not cancel hospice care. They will be able to provide the pain treatment so that your mom doesn't have to suffer. I'd research other people's journey with liver cancer because knowledge Is power. It will help you stand firm and not second guess yourself when sis is passionate about the feeding tube and extending mom's life.

Let your mom come and see mom for herself, let her speak to the doctors herself before you start the discussion. Right now, she's in emergency mode. Let her come down off the "riding in with her Superwoman cape" mode. Don't turn it into an automatic adversarial situation. Wishing you well.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't have any experience that would help in your situation but it seems to me that at 92, and with inoperable cancer as well as dementia, your mother's quality of life is very poor. A feeding tube will probably not improve it, although it might keep her alive a little longer. Is your sister worried she won't have a chance to say goodbye, or won't have a chance to see for herself that your mother has truly reached the end? I agree with what Babalou said - let your sister see for herself and talk to the doctor or hospice nurse herself so she is comfortable that it's time to let nature take its course. Please keep us posted - we're thinking of you.

A feeding tube would not even be guaranteed to keep her alive longer. In the setting of advanced dementia (NOT in all cases - feeding tubes are very appropriate for many acute situations, or other situations such as brainstem stroke or bulbar CP or ALS that cause dysphagia without necessarily having progressive loss of other brain and bodily functions), hand feeding orally as tolerated/as desired is usually better for quality and quantity of life. I know sister feels bad and wants and needs to feel she has had "everything" done but a feeding tube will more likely make a tough situation worse.

vstefans, excellent answer! In my dad's case, it was dysphasia from late onset Parkinson's and a life threatening aspiration pneumonia following his broken hip. He was in no pain, participating in PT, no dementia at that time, and most important HE wanted to live. Every situation is different for sure!