I live with my mom but now she wants me out. If I leave, she will lose her house. What do I do?

Lost Love,
An update would be great if you have any time to type.

M88

lostlove, this can become very complex over time. First your Mom should be paying for her own mortgage, house insurance, real estate taxes, etc. I am surprised at 82 that she still has a mortgage, usually by then most mortgages are totally paid off.... or did she refinance and took equity out of the house?

If Mom can't afford the house on her own, she would need to sell before foreclosure takes place.

Now the crystal ball moment, too bad we can't see into the future, and what if Mom's dementia becomes to a point where she needs a higher level of care, like 168 hours per week [no one person can be sole caregiver, it would be physically impossible] but she cannot afford to self-pay for the cost. Then she would need to apply for Medicaid, and Medicaid will put a lien on her house.

Now in some States if your Mom was in need of a nursing home and you could prove you cared for her in her own home for a certain number of years in her final stages of dementia, then Medicaid won't place a lien. It varies from State to State.

Leave and let them take her house she will have to learn the hard way the old git. At end of day it not like she'll remember any of it.

You pay everything for the house, and cant save any money to move out? stop doing that!! does she have ss, or retirement? Why are you paying for everthing? It sounds like your family lives with her? Do you have POA?

She is unfortunately doing something very, very typical of dementia - blaming the caregiver for the thinking problems she does not realize she even has, and resenting and denying the fact that she even needs help. She probably is not capable of setting things in motion to sell the house, but you have to be careful no one takes advantage of her, tells her what she wants to hear, and takes over. If you have POA that's good - you need doctors letters of incapacity and then you give yourself permission to do whatever makes sense, which is not always going to be what Mom says she wants at any given moment. You will need to cajole, kiss up, reassure, and sweet-talk ad infinitum, and occasionally maybe even fib a little. If you have no POA, you may actually have to get a guardianship. An estate planner or elder law consultation may cost a few $$ up front but you probably can't afford not to.

Yes, good answers already, but you should contact a geriatric specialist to have a cognitive testing done. This can give you a baseline for how your Mom is doing. My Mom had her first test in 2014 and scored a 27/30. 11 months later, she scored 16/30. So that has been helpful in designing a medication schedule.

But from what you describe, your Mom sounds like she has dementia and needs some specialized care. I hope the process will go well for you!

If you have been taking care of her in her home for a certain number of years, I think it's 5, it may be exempt from Medicaid recovery. I'd check on that, because it could mean keeping the house, if she has to go into long term care in the future.

It's difficult to care for a person with dementia. I'd try to get some help from her doctor, if you can get her there. Explain to the doctor how she is behaving. Sometimes, meds can help with agitation and anxiety. In certain stages of dementia, the patient is difficult and protecting them is a challenge. I would read a lot about dementia and ways to do that. If can be very stressful. I'd try to get some support to help you.

I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this stress. Has your mom been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? There's a chance that meds will make a difference it her agitation and behavior.

Keep good records of what you are spending on the house, because this will come in handy later. You are entitled to recover repair costs if and when the house has a Medicaid lien on it.