My mom was always opposed to cremation but a while ago she said that she wanted to be cremated to save money. Not sure what to do.

The funeral is really for the remaining people, not the deceased. Save the money.

My feeling is this. It will be your mother's funeral and as such, I think she can request whatever she wants and I believe those wishes should be carried out without anyone forcing her to do something different. Talk to her one more time and if this is what she wants, so be it. It will be her last request - honor it.

I’ve been reading through this thread and would like to compliment you, NeedHelpWithMom on how wonderful you sound! You’ve replied, at length in some cases, to nearly every post, with comments that show interest and genuine appreciation of every one of them. I do hope that your mother’s going is eventually peaceful for herself and your family. You sound like such lovely people.

NeedHelpWithMom;

Although this is off-topic, it was brought up several times in the comments. You need help. Your "screen" name says it too! Although the veteran's paperwork is a bear, do try to get that done if you can. The third party that sent me the documents and instructions unfortunately sent me expired documents, so after all the work I did, it was rejected. BTW, in addition to your dad's SS# you will also need his military information and he will have to have participated in some part of a war for a given time - read the regulations and rules or call the VA to inquire before spending all that time doing the paperwork! I was going to apply again, but with all the other stuff I have to handle, it never got done. In some respects, I suspect it would have been rejected because of mom's income/trust assets. However, you could potentially get money and/or some in-home help provided by them. It is worth exploring. A local veteran's group might be able to assist you in filling out the paperwork and processing.

Another option - if mom needs personal care, such as help with bathing, dressing, toileting, etc, Medicare DOES provide some limited assistance. When we were exploring hiring people to come in to let mom live/stay in her condo, the nurse who did the assessment told me that if mom had agreed to getting such help, some care would be covered (Medicare did cover the cost of the assessment, etc, but because mom refused, we did not get to take advantage of that help!) It is limited, but hey, anything is better than nothing! If your mom's income and assets are low enough, she might also qualify for Medicaid - these aides and any money they can provide could help you by bringing in assistance and taking some of the load off of you. Moving her at this later stage might be difficult AND expensive and might be hard for her. It will require a lot from you, either way. Exploring places for mom will take time and energy and you DO need to check several at the least. All are set up differently and charge differently, so it isn't as easy as it sounds! Even with yearly increases. our mom is still charged less than the first place quoted, 2.5 years ago, and that was for a "shared" space (2 BR/shared bath), something I know she wouldn't like!

Depending on her condition, hospice? I have no experience with that, but perhaps others can enlighten us - would they provide in-home assistance, even on a limited basis, to help out with personal care?

Another thought - many times various organization, including churches, have volunteers who can help out. When you have the priest there, inquire about it. Even if it is just someone who can watch over mom for a while so you can get out and take a break (or a nap!), it might help.

NeedHelpWithMom;

First, to cremate or not to cremate... The incident with the neighbor most certainly would creep your mom out, and her upbringing along with the way funerals used to be handled might have previously impacted how she thinks about her own burial. Given the neighbor didn't honor the woman's requests made it worse! However, she DID bring this up. If she is still of sound mind and says she wants cremation, let it go at that. She probably trusts that you won't do something like the neighbor did, especially since you handled your brother's cremation.

Personally I would probably bring up the topic once more, and gently coax from her what her wishes are OR let her talk with the priest alone, and she can express her wishes with him. Given that most of the older generations, family and friends, are gone, having a full-on wake, mass, funeral and burial is, at least for me (and mom), a serious waste of time, effort and money.

My take on these services is that they are for the living. It helps to have family and friend's join with you to celebrate the person's life or share in fond memories, but if no one is left for this, why would anyone want all this pomp and expense? Personally I could not hack the open-casket wake business. When my dad's mother passed, I made it as far as the parking lot, and sat in the car. When my mother's mother passed, I made it into the building, could see her minimally from the hallway and ventured no further. I had a good relationship with her. When my cousins sat down near me and started saying "Didn't she look good?", I was horrified. My only thought then was didn't she look dead? I didn't want to remember her that way!!! Funny though, the actual burial would not have bothered me so much, but no one ever invited me to one. I did attend the burial of my father's ashes (Marine cemetery), but it was many months after he passed. Mom wants cremation and burial with him, so will likely do that. In her case, she is the LAST of that generation on both sides, no real contact with my cousins, etc in many years, most good friends all gone too! Keep it simple.

If you can just confirm with her that she is okay with the cremation, and possible interment in the plot with your dad, I would go with that. If family really wants to do something, have a memory/life celebration somewhere. No need to go overboard.

I suggest you have a few talks with mom to explore what she wants. She may have really changed her mind in favour of cremation. I had a Catholic friend who was opposed to cremation. When she found out that the Catholic church is not opposed to cremation and you can be interred in a Catholic cemetery, she changed her mind. Check with a Catholic priest about the funeral Mass. I'm not Catholic but I remember a funeral Mass I attended where there was no casket present. Funeral are really more for the benefit of the living. The living need some ceremony or gathering to celebrate the life of their loved one. By the way, I can see how she could be put off by the "spoon" thing. Cremains can be put in an urn and interred in a columbarium (google it) , very dignified.

When my uncle left the army he worked as a postal clerk. Once he said cremains were being shipped to a P.O. Box and the person went to pick it up. It is heavy. I carried my brother’s cremains from the funeral home to the cemetery. I was surprised how heavy it was.

Anyway, the person opened up the cremains in the post office. Have no idea why they would do that, but whatever...

Thet accidentally dropped the cremains and they spilled all over the floor. My uncle said it was at a busy time and people were walking in the cremains. They had to ask everyone to step aside so they could sweep them up for the person. Sad, huh?

It used to be that catholic didn't get cremated & your mom is of that generation - this has changed enough so even my mom who died in 2018 at 92 & my dad whodied 2017 at 94 were both cremated

Here however the ashes must remain wholly together & buried in their entirety to have a catholic service - so check with either the funeral home or the church - if that is the case explain it to your mom as that may ease her mind about being sprinkled on a garden

Sendhelp: Oh, my goodness! How sad that the cremains went in the dumpster!

Would it be okay to mention the downside of cremation, and keeping cremains in a very nice sealed box?

A very ill woman was taken to the hospital, did not come home, but was sent to a NH. Her "family" was rushed to clean out her house and put it up for sale.

The community here was upset to find her belongings, nice clothing, cell phone, personal paperwork, precious photos, and the nice sealed box IN THE DUMPSTER!

When this happened to another neighbor, the family took her newer car, but the document-the pink slip-was found in the dumpster.

This reality makes me kinda sick and depressed. My heart hurts for a stranger.
Additionally, I feel like I should be throwing my things away prior to my narcissistic family showing up one day.....

Scooping out doesn't sound like fun. My friend gave me a beatuiful necklace in case I want to put some of mom's ashes in it. I absolutely love the idea. I still don't know if I will or not.. It is a very nice piece of jewlery. Talking about it being close to the heart. :)
Anyway it happens, will be the right way for you and your family. My mother was Catholic, and I found a wonderful priest. It was very nice for our family. My sibiling didn't want a Catholic funeral, thought the mass would be too long and too much, TIGHT SCHEDULE YOU KNOW. Can't spend that much time praising Mom. I was told it was a very nice ceremony.

End of Life. to be buried or cremated. Well, when my dad got cancer he brought that to the table, I WANT TO BE CREMATED. It was hard to discuss this, but at the end, it was the right choice for him. So was my sibling, and aunt, and cousin, and uncle, and friend's dad, and list goes on. It is more common now, and if you think about it... "ashes to ashes, and dust to dust.... My best friend's dad said, I don't care, I will be dead.. So now, I have relatives in the grave, in ocean, and in a park. Your family, friends, and loved ones will always be within your heart and you can visit them whenever you want. The heart is always open to Love.

I had my Mother cremated 3 years. All her family had done funerals and then burials in the church plot, but because of my parent's finances and an inadequate life insurance policy, we really couldn't look at a full burial with casket, cemetery service, etc. Our funeral home DID offer what they called a "cremation casket" that allowed the body to be preserved for a short time, allowing for an open casket funeral, and then after the service the body was transported to the crematorium. I know it's a subject no one likes to talk about, and I get the creepies still talking about aspect of dealing with the deceased (it's my phobia), but this cost considerably less, but honored my Mother's wish to have a full funeral service with an open casket. It cut the cost by 7-$10,000, depending on what other services you would have the funeral home perform. Hope this helps..

My Father died young 60yrs ago, and was buried. We had two plots. my mother decided to be cremated and buried on top of my Father. I later, slipped their Wedding License into a tube and buried with them.
Ashes to Ashes, the Lord made our bodies temporary.

You have a lot on your plate, but there are resources available, this forum, for one! God bless you for all you are doing!

I work in a Catholic church and they are also able to help. A priest can visit to anoint your mother, hear her confession if she is interested, and give ALL of you the Eucharist besides talking with you about end-of-life issues and funeral arrangements. They can also have someone bring the Eucharist to your home weekly.

As far as funerals, anything goes! Cremation is absolutely accepted, but, as one person said, the Catholic church expects to have the ashes at a cemetery rather than in a home, to show the proper care and respect. You can have a wake the night before or the morning of a special Mass, but if you have been "holed up" in your home for 10 years, there may not be many there...watch your time frame. On the other hand, wakes are a time for people to come support YOU, to celebrate your Mom's life with you.

Yes, funeral home costs are high, but you get what you pay for. Some at our church have tried skipping the funeral home entirely and then are surprised they have to make decisions and coordinate everything in their grief. Others are fine doing that.

Many times churches will provide a meal after a funeral with little or no cost. Ask the priest when he visits! It's often a potluck style meal, or you may be asked to pay for the meat while parishioners bring side dishes.

I took care of the funeral arrangements for my parents a few years ago and prepaid out of their money: caskets, simple flower arrangements, obituary information, etc. The funeral home holds onto it in a trust and it is not considered available money for nursing home expenses and is properly set aside so as not to be a problem with the "look back" period for Medicaid.

I pray this info helps!

NeedHelpWithMom: Okay.

People change their minds

It's interesting, because many people say they want to be cremated without actually knowing much about the process. My husband was one. When he learned that after the burning process that remains are then ground up. The machine that does that is not cleaned between use, so your remains usually include a little of someone else. When he learned that, it changed his mind. Also, some people can't or shouldn't be cremated due to certain cancer treatments that create a hazard when burned.

So perhaps you should have a conversation with her now? That may or may not be upsetting to her. If she smiled about the Catholic funeral, then best to go with that.

Dear NeedsHelp,
Speaking as a 71 year old woman who used to want the usual funeral, I agree with your mother. No, I do not have Alzheimer’s or dementia, but we change our minds about certain things as we get older. I would not have been able to scoop ashes either.

She and I also think the same about why pay for the usual funeral. My family has dwindled over the years. It is a waste of money to me, and apparently your Mom too.

So, do not lock yourself into anything in case she changes her mind again, but be prepared for cremation.

Personally, I would "pretend" to go along with her wishes. However, in the final analysis, since you will be doing the funeral, you decide what is best and take appropriate steps. I personally can't be created because I think of the ovens and the Nazi's. So I will be buried and have taken care of all that far in advance.
Talk with a priest if that will help but use your own judgment as to what YOU think is best in the end.

If you want to really save $$ and pay absolutely nothing, then you want to do a whole body donation. My mother just died 3/2/19 Saturday and that is what I did. She already signed off on a uniform body gift back Oct 2018 because we had discussed this a few yrs ago as I am going to do that when I die. She was interested as well. I told a few people about it and they want to do it now.
I used http://medcure.org.
Check their website to see if your state is with MedCure. I live in Florida.

Gosh, I think any of us are entitled to change our minds! It sounds like she has given this some thought and made a reasonable decision.

My in-laws are horrified by and adamantly opposed to cremation, but they can't tell me why. My husband and I have discussed it, and both of us have decided on our own cremation. His parents would have a fit--they've already purchased plots for us next to theirs in a place that is not where we would choose to be--so I sure hope we survive them because I don't want them to be upset.

Maybe your mom went through these thought processes: "Why am I horrified by and opposed to cremation? Hmmm, can't think of any good reason. Besides, it's cheaper, and I don't need everyone peering at my dead carcass and remarking about how 'good' (or not) I look." That's pretty much my attitude, except for I've always felt this way. If she doesn't think much of the idea of asking friends to spoon her into the flower garden, she might want to suggest another idea.

It is a good idea to decide in advance where the ashes will go; and it's not that complicated. My brother's are in a mausoleum, one sister's were placed under her favorite tree on their desert property, the other sister's were buried in the memorial garden of her Episcopal Church immediately after her memorial service in the church--except for a small amount that I kept, at the suggestion of her priest. I keep them in a lovely lidded candy dish that she owned (she was a candy hound, like me); and I added some of her husband's ashes when he passed. Some day, I will probably spread them someplace meaningful to them or to me.

Your mom seemed to be happy about the idea of a funeral mass. I expect you could have this with or without the presence of her cremains. The Episcopalians' service had the ashes on a table by the kneeling rail in a simple box covered with a cloth that was meaningful to the deceased--a quilt or scarf, for example. Brief visitation before the service, interment in the church yard, followed by a dinner in the church hall. It was lovely, just what they wanted, and comforting to the survivors. And not very expensive, either, although that was not the primary motivation.

Just be comfortable with your arrangements, honor your mother and her love in a way that you find honorable, and all will be well.

I have a sort of similar situation with my husband. The only discussion I ever had with him that I can remember on the subject of burial/cremation was about 40 years ago--not only did he not want to be cremated (I think it was the influence of the Catholic upbringing although he'd rejected that many years before), he wanted to be buried "naked, in an open casket, with a rock and roll band". We never really got into it again except his advance directive says he'll be an organ donor (but not a whole body donor), although I was aware that cremation kind of creeped him out. Well, BURIAL creeps me out! I don't want to be buried, and I can't imagine thinking of him buried somewhere in a graveyard. He's now beyond making a decision and I have plans in place for his cremation but I'm having second thoughts. I ran all this by the social worker at hospice last year, and she basically told me "it's up to you". But it bothers me.

I would talk to her priest. I bet he will offer a service that she is happy with, and at a cost that is sensible. He’s done it all before, don’t forget! Could your mum talk with him too?
As for the family all being dead- well you’re not! Neither are your brothers. And your children. And they are just the ones you mention in this post. You love your mum (that’s the way it sounds), and this important event will reflect that, whatever you choose. Wishing you peace at this difficult time.

This won't give you any answers, but may give you a small chuckle when I tell you what happened to me and my brother. Our parents made it very clear that they wanted to be cremated. We are the last of our family, and all their friends had already passed so they did not want us to waste money on all that a funeral and burial can cost. For some "I can't imagine why" reason, we never asked them what they wanted us to do with their ashes after the cremation! Well, time went on, and when they passed, we duly had each one cremated.

Now 20 years later, Dad's ashes are with my brother in Florida, my brother keeps them in his truck, I asked him why he kept them in his truck, he said, "Well, we never decided what to do with them, and Dad always did like to ride!"

I live in the mountains of south west Virginia, and Mother's ashes are with me. And no, I don't know what to do with them either. We were very close and I can't bear the thought of doing something with them, when I don't know what she would have wanted. Still kicking myself for not asking her when I had the chance.

I had more or less decided to have Mother's ashes put in the casket with me when I pass, but now I'm leaning more toward cremation. Funeral costs are outrageous and unless the family has money to spare, unnecessary. So someone could mix my ashes with my Mothers! Problem solved.

Cremation for our Dad was $600. all inclusive in Florida. Mother's was the same, in northeast Tennessee. Social Security paid $250. on each.

My husband is 7 years into an Alzheimer's diagnosis, I am his 24/7 caregiver. I am so exhausted and burned out, I think any day I might just fall over in a heap and pass away myself. I really don't think I have the energy to see my husband through to the end of his disease. Hmmmm, wonder what the children will do with all the ashes?

Cremation is the way to go. No funeral as others have said or people who have not been heard or seen, showing up, putting on a show, then heading back into the shadows to speak never to be heard from or seen again.

Have the mass at the funeral parlor and then cremate. You don’t have to do anything silly with the ashes. Also ask if embalming is required as it is cost you may avoid if funeral is done in a timely manner and relatives don’t have to travel in. My mother opted for cremation and I was able to have a beautiful memorial ceremony with her ashes and picture. I was able to take her ashes in a beautiful urn with me to her home church out of state where her living friends, clubs, and sorority could participate. Of course it was many thousands cheaper and does not require maintenance in perpetuity. Which you will also have to pay for. The body is a vessel for spirit. After the transition, ceremony and ritual is for the living.

You just have to put aside PROPER and say MOM, what do you REALLY want. Might want to start the convo with what you might like, add in some humor.
I agree with her, with family and friends gone, what's the point. The point of a funeral and burial and all the hoo haa is for the LIVING, not the dead. It's all in how you and your family want to grieve her.

I'll stick to my mom's words, no funeral, no open casket, don't even go or arrange that for me, REMEMBER ME HOW I WAS WHEN I WAS ALIVE and let that be what your remember about me. She was cremated. I still have her ashes. And I am quite content with remembering her as that smiling picture on the wall and all the memories that are in my heart. And I'm not broke-marriages and funerals are mostly designed to make others rich and "putting on aires". Just my 2 cents, its really to each their own.

You have to do what you feel best with. If you feel your mum really wanted to be buried do that if you can afford it. God love you in your descision x