Mom was actually a decent mother, and yet I have started resenting her now that I'm responsible for her 24/7. Are these feelings valid?

Yes, your feelings are valid. My mom was basically an okay mom too. Annoying to me most of the time, but she did take care of me and was a decent mom. I deeply resent having to take care of her and since my father passed away last year I am 100% responsible for her and my life has become a living hell. Okay, so I am exaggerating a bit, but I am sure you know the feeling.

I am an only child, so there is no one else who can take care of mom. Her brother-in-law and sister each stay with her one night a week so I can get a break. We also have an overnight caregiver for her two nights a week, so I do get a bit of a break from her. But the responsibility is always there, it never goes away and I do resent it. Sometimes I get very angry at her for not having planned her life better so that this wouldn't happen. I also resent the expectation that I am the one who must take care of her, and I think that's what you are reacting to when your in-laws came to you. I suspect there's a strong cultural component here. I am not American in my culture (most every culture actually) it is women who are expected to take care of elders.

Is it possible that your resentment isn't so much towards your mom but this cultural expectation that it is your responsibility to take care of her? Whatever it is, I just wanted to give you some reassurance that you are not a monster, or an evil person. Your feelings are valid and they matter. It is inevitable that you will have these unpleasant feelings frequently during this journey. My mom also has dementia (I should have said this sooner) and this evil disease really complicates everything. I often find myself wishing that she would die soon because really I don't see that she has any quality of life now and it is only going to get worse.

My husband and I took care of my mom for 5 years when she had Alzheimer's. She went from being a caring, loving mom, to a somewhat insulting one when Alzheimer's hit. I never thought that my mom, who was a great friend to me as well as being my mom, would be the source of consternation and stress, but I knew that her change of behavior was due to the changes in her brain. I even wrote a book about our travails called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." (I thought of the title when I was driving home from work one day, and I realized that my once broad life was reduced to the pressing health concerns of my mom and dog.) When I'd go shopping, the manager at the grocery store would look after her, so I could pick up a few things. Once, a guy at the pharmacy pick up area kept an eye on her so I could get a few things. I kept an eye on them. Of course, she thought he had other intentions, rather than just helping me out by talking to her, and she said, "It was a pick-up area in more ways than one." At first, I, too, resented the upheaval in my life, but after a while, I tried to roll with the punches and find some humor where I could. Writing the book helped too; it was cathartic for me, and I knew (hoped) it could help others. Dealing with Alzheimer's is a learning experience for everyone.

You have become the parent of your Mother and it’s no different then taking care of a child . Consider yourself Lucky your with your Mom . I am sure she appreciates you . I have good days and bad days . Get counseling or a social worker to speak with . Look into support services . Other Family members to babysit . Give your Mom some chores like folding laundry or gardening . Keep her walking 🚶‍♀️. Eat healthy organic food . Appreciate your Mom while she is still on Earth 🌍

knowing your feelings now should have you prepare the people that will take care of you one day....I get upset at my parents that they won't help me help them...I tried to tell them to sell their large home & seek assisted living, and they didn't, so it's now an incredible burden on my husband & I. I don't have a life of my own. So we are looking into downsizing now so it won't have to happen later. Enjoy what time you have with your mom, crazy as it sounds....as one day, it might be you.

Wearynow, you are absolutely entitled to feel resentful at times. My mother was also decent. She tried hard but dealt with low self-esteem, OCD, TIAs, epileptic seizures and depression. I do know she tried hard to be the best mother she could.

I'm an only son. My father passed away almost 21 years ago. Not only was my mother dealing with the aforementioned issues, she didn't drive due to the seizures. So I became the "surrogate husband", taking her on errands and to doctors appointments. We lived close so it was okay. I had a demanding career and knew my Saturdays were gone but still made time for myself.

We all moved to another state in 2006, and I arranged for my mother to live in a 55+ community. She had friends there and someone I hired to take her on errands so I would simply visit on Saturdays. The pressure diminished temporarily. She was 25 miles away but I always made the drive.

4 years ago we moved her to into Assisted Living. She was fine there for a while but is now in the "transition" phase of hospice. There are days when she is incoherent and only drinks sips of water and days where she is lucid and hungry again for solid food. To avoid resentment, I don't make the drive every day but know she is in good hands and there is nothing I can personally do to make it better. I visit a couple of times a week just to let her know I care and say my potential "goodbyes" just in case.

I do have some resentment for being responsible for her for 21 years. I could have been living in a mansion for what I've paid to Assisted Living and I've given up so much of my life when I know children of elderly parents that see them maybe once a year But in the end I know it is my responsibility as her only child to see that she is comfortable and happy until the end of her life. Again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling resentment from time to time. You are clearly doing everything possible to take care of your mother.

Dear wearynow, Bless your heart! I get it! I really do! I left my beautiful home in another state to come here and stay with my mother because I’m the only one of four kids who seems to be able to, for some reason or another (plus I’m a retired nurse). I think there are days I would rather lose both legs than get out of bed in the morning. When I realize I want to just go home, I feel like a horribly selfish person! Maybe it’s just human nature to want to be able to make our own choices to be able to do exactly as we wish. I wonder. I have therapy with a really excellent psychologist once a week on the phone. She tells me to learn distraction techniques when I feel like a meltdown. At least you’re trying your best to be there with your mother! What a loving heart you have and I’m sure she appreciates the loving connection you both share!

It sounds like you were having a bad day when you wrote this - if that is the case then good, it helps to get things off our chests. Does anyone else feel resentful at times - YES, everyone in the position of carer feels resentful at times - what we have to watch for is whether this is becoming more than feeling resentful and is actually becoming depression in us. Try and make a morning or afternoon once a week which is YOU time, get someone to care for mother, play cards with her, play snap, snakes and ladders, make christmas decorations anything she can do that will enable you to have an organised break so that when you feel it is too much you know you have a time to look forward to. If you don't have them get financial and medical POAs drawn up whilst she still can do so - its part of the immigration process or whatever excuse you need. But look after YOU, your feelings are normal but your health can decline almost unnoticed and if you are not in good health you cannot provide what mother needs. Good luck.

It is really stressful to be the protective adult for everybody or even one person all the time. You feel like you never have a life of your own... or time alone. Start finding ways to include other people as part of a group of caring adults in your mom's life. Ask family members, friends, members of your faith community and/or paid helpers to take over your mom's care for a bit each day and more on a weekly basis until you feel you have some "alone time." The resentment should fade.

I understand, and you’re not being unreasonable. They’re perfectly natural feelings when one feels overburdened. It’s so hard when you can’t even explain what you need as a caregiver to this person. My own children may be young (5 and 7), but if I explain that I need some quiet time, or for them to wait while I cook, they may not like it, but they understand. However, it seems with cognitive decline, they just don’t get it. I personally find the impatience, neediness, and demanding sides of caregiving very taxing.

So, how to find balance? You probably know all this already, but it works. You need to take time for you and push all responsibilities and possible guilt aside, and live in the moment. Appreciate the moment, whether it’s grocery shopping, or having that cup of tea in silence. Far too often we reminisce about the past (good times past, past wrongs, or past mistakes), or we stress too much about the future (what do I do if…, how do I keep my cool when…). However, how often do we stop and focus on the here and right now? I find that mindfully doing that whenever I can helps me compartmentalize my responsibilities to so many people, and I can more easily push it all aside and just think about this exact moment.

Best of luck finding your balance.

Your mom standing up to look for you is a classic dementia behavior called Shadowing. No one will need to tell her that you are "gone" as she will begin constantly looking for you automatically. She may even begin to start yelling your name when you are just in the next room in your own home (like my aunt does to her sister). I think you need to educate yourself about dementia, what it is and how it changes our LOs so that you can know what to expect, have strategies in hand and can do what's possible to engage with her. more calmly and with less resentment. Teepa Snow has great videos on YouTube in a series called Positive Caregiving -- I learned a lot from them. And this forum will be a wealth of information for you.

Yes, your allowed to feel resentful. You had a brother who could have stepped up to the plate. Maybe not taken her in but iversee her care.

My Mom too was a good Mom. But I was always the "go to" child. Girl and oldest of 3, 2 boys. I can't do needy. I too don't like someone relying on me fully. Its part of the desease, though. Be thankful you have in-laws who are willing to help and can still care for themselves. With your job you can at least get out of the house.

You're going to have a hard time until you can put your mother in a care facility here. It was a mistake to have brought her here with dementia because the United States government wasn't going to pay for her to go from the airport to a nursing home. Nor should it be expected to.
There's not much you can do other than hire some in-home caregivers to help with her. Or see if family members will take her different days of the week to stay with them to give you a break.

What you are feeling is normal.
I think anyone that is "tied down" at some point feels resentful.
It is a loss of freedom in some respect. I can be perfectly happy staying at home, doing things or nothing at all around the house. But my car has a problem and it is in for service for a few days and I go stir crazy. I loved my Husband VERY much but there were times when I did not have a caregiver for an extended period of time and yes there were times I felt resentful.

We all have to learn how to "handle" the person with dementia. Maybe FIL did not know what to do when your mom stood up looking for you. If he was right next to her he might have been able to stop her from standing. He could have reassured her that you were right there. Was either of your In Laws talking to her? If they were talking to each other and ignoring mom I can see how she would feel alone.
Your mom will shadow you because you are the one she relies on, she knows so expect that. But do get her used to having someone else help out.
Can you get a caregiver to come in and help out a day or two a week? That would help you. And please don't forget the rest of your family husband, kids if any, they need just as much attention as mom does.