Mom was actually a decent mother, and yet I have started resenting her now that I'm responsible for her 24/7. Are these feelings valid?

What you are feeling is normal.
I think anyone that is "tied down" at some point feels resentful.
It is a loss of freedom in some respect. I can be perfectly happy staying at home, doing things or nothing at all around the house. But my car has a problem and it is in for service for a few days and I go stir crazy. I loved my Husband VERY much but there were times when I did not have a caregiver for an extended period of time and yes there were times I felt resentful.

We all have to learn how to "handle" the person with dementia. Maybe FIL did not know what to do when your mom stood up looking for you. If he was right next to her he might have been able to stop her from standing. He could have reassured her that you were right there. Was either of your In Laws talking to her? If they were talking to each other and ignoring mom I can see how she would feel alone.
Your mom will shadow you because you are the one she relies on, she knows so expect that. But do get her used to having someone else help out.
Can you get a caregiver to come in and help out a day or two a week? That would help you. And please don't forget the rest of your family husband, kids if any, they need just as much attention as mom does.

You're going to have a hard time until you can put your mother in a care facility here. It was a mistake to have brought her here with dementia because the United States government wasn't going to pay for her to go from the airport to a nursing home. Nor should it be expected to.
There's not much you can do other than hire some in-home caregivers to help with her. Or see if family members will take her different days of the week to stay with them to give you a break.

Yes, your allowed to feel resentful. You had a brother who could have stepped up to the plate. Maybe not taken her in but iversee her care.

My Mom too was a good Mom. But I was always the "go to" child. Girl and oldest of 3, 2 boys. I can't do needy. I too don't like someone relying on me fully. Its part of the desease, though. Be thankful you have in-laws who are willing to help and can still care for themselves. With your job you can at least get out of the house.

Your mom standing up to look for you is a classic dementia behavior called Shadowing. No one will need to tell her that you are "gone" as she will begin constantly looking for you automatically. She may even begin to start yelling your name when you are just in the next room in your own home (like my aunt does to her sister). I think you need to educate yourself about dementia, what it is and how it changes our LOs so that you can know what to expect, have strategies in hand and can do what's possible to engage with her. more calmly and with less resentment. Teepa Snow has great videos on YouTube in a series called Positive Caregiving -- I learned a lot from them. And this forum will be a wealth of information for you.

I understand, and you’re not being unreasonable. They’re perfectly natural feelings when one feels overburdened. It’s so hard when you can’t even explain what you need as a caregiver to this person. My own children may be young (5 and 7), but if I explain that I need some quiet time, or for them to wait while I cook, they may not like it, but they understand. However, it seems with cognitive decline, they just don’t get it. I personally find the impatience, neediness, and demanding sides of caregiving very taxing.

So, how to find balance? You probably know all this already, but it works. You need to take time for you and push all responsibilities and possible guilt aside, and live in the moment. Appreciate the moment, whether it’s grocery shopping, or having that cup of tea in silence. Far too often we reminisce about the past (good times past, past wrongs, or past mistakes), or we stress too much about the future (what do I do if…, how do I keep my cool when…). However, how often do we stop and focus on the here and right now? I find that mindfully doing that whenever I can helps me compartmentalize my responsibilities to so many people, and I can more easily push it all aside and just think about this exact moment.

Best of luck finding your balance.

It is really stressful to be the protective adult for everybody or even one person all the time. You feel like you never have a life of your own... or time alone. Start finding ways to include other people as part of a group of caring adults in your mom's life. Ask family members, friends, members of your faith community and/or paid helpers to take over your mom's care for a bit each day and more on a weekly basis until you feel you have some "alone time." The resentment should fade.

It sounds like you were having a bad day when you wrote this - if that is the case then good, it helps to get things off our chests. Does anyone else feel resentful at times - YES, everyone in the position of carer feels resentful at times - what we have to watch for is whether this is becoming more than feeling resentful and is actually becoming depression in us. Try and make a morning or afternoon once a week which is YOU time, get someone to care for mother, play cards with her, play snap, snakes and ladders, make christmas decorations anything she can do that will enable you to have an organised break so that when you feel it is too much you know you have a time to look forward to. If you don't have them get financial and medical POAs drawn up whilst she still can do so - its part of the immigration process or whatever excuse you need. But look after YOU, your feelings are normal but your health can decline almost unnoticed and if you are not in good health you cannot provide what mother needs. Good luck.

Dear wearynow, Bless your heart! I get it! I really do! I left my beautiful home in another state to come here and stay with my mother because I’m the only one of four kids who seems to be able to, for some reason or another (plus I’m a retired nurse). I think there are days I would rather lose both legs than get out of bed in the morning. When I realize I want to just go home, I feel like a horribly selfish person! Maybe it’s just human nature to want to be able to make our own choices to be able to do exactly as we wish. I wonder. I have therapy with a really excellent psychologist once a week on the phone. She tells me to learn distraction techniques when I feel like a meltdown. At least you’re trying your best to be there with your mother! What a loving heart you have and I’m sure she appreciates the loving connection you both share!

Wearynow, you are absolutely entitled to feel resentful at times. My mother was also decent. She tried hard but dealt with low self-esteem, OCD, TIAs, epileptic seizures and depression. I do know she tried hard to be the best mother she could.

I'm an only son. My father passed away almost 21 years ago. Not only was my mother dealing with the aforementioned issues, she didn't drive due to the seizures. So I became the "surrogate husband", taking her on errands and to doctors appointments. We lived close so it was okay. I had a demanding career and knew my Saturdays were gone but still made time for myself.

We all moved to another state in 2006, and I arranged for my mother to live in a 55+ community. She had friends there and someone I hired to take her on errands so I would simply visit on Saturdays. The pressure diminished temporarily. She was 25 miles away but I always made the drive.

4 years ago we moved her to into Assisted Living. She was fine there for a while but is now in the "transition" phase of hospice. There are days when she is incoherent and only drinks sips of water and days where she is lucid and hungry again for solid food. To avoid resentment, I don't make the drive every day but know she is in good hands and there is nothing I can personally do to make it better. I visit a couple of times a week just to let her know I care and say my potential "goodbyes" just in case.

I do have some resentment for being responsible for her for 21 years. I could have been living in a mansion for what I've paid to Assisted Living and I've given up so much of my life when I know children of elderly parents that see them maybe once a year But in the end I know it is my responsibility as her only child to see that she is comfortable and happy until the end of her life. Again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling resentment from time to time. You are clearly doing everything possible to take care of your mother.

knowing your feelings now should have you prepare the people that will take care of you one day....I get upset at my parents that they won't help me help them...I tried to tell them to sell their large home & seek assisted living, and they didn't, so it's now an incredible burden on my husband & I. I don't have a life of my own. So we are looking into downsizing now so it won't have to happen later. Enjoy what time you have with your mom, crazy as it sounds....as one day, it might be you.

You have become the parent of your Mother and it’s no different then taking care of a child . Consider yourself Lucky your with your Mom . I am sure she appreciates you . I have good days and bad days . Get counseling or a social worker to speak with . Look into support services . Other Family members to babysit . Give your Mom some chores like folding laundry or gardening . Keep her walking 🚶‍♀️. Eat healthy organic food . Appreciate your Mom while she is still on Earth 🌍

My husband and I took care of my mom for 5 years when she had Alzheimer's. She went from being a caring, loving mom, to a somewhat insulting one when Alzheimer's hit. I never thought that my mom, who was a great friend to me as well as being my mom, would be the source of consternation and stress, but I knew that her change of behavior was due to the changes in her brain. I even wrote a book about our travails called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." (I thought of the title when I was driving home from work one day, and I realized that my once broad life was reduced to the pressing health concerns of my mom and dog.) When I'd go shopping, the manager at the grocery store would look after her, so I could pick up a few things. Once, a guy at the pharmacy pick up area kept an eye on her so I could get a few things. I kept an eye on them. Of course, she thought he had other intentions, rather than just helping me out by talking to her, and she said, "It was a pick-up area in more ways than one." At first, I, too, resented the upheaval in my life, but after a while, I tried to roll with the punches and find some humor where I could. Writing the book helped too; it was cathartic for me, and I knew (hoped) it could help others. Dealing with Alzheimer's is a learning experience for everyone.

Yes, your feelings are valid. My mom was basically an okay mom too. Annoying to me most of the time, but she did take care of me and was a decent mom. I deeply resent having to take care of her and since my father passed away last year I am 100% responsible for her and my life has become a living hell. Okay, so I am exaggerating a bit, but I am sure you know the feeling.

I am an only child, so there is no one else who can take care of mom. Her brother-in-law and sister each stay with her one night a week so I can get a break. We also have an overnight caregiver for her two nights a week, so I do get a bit of a break from her. But the responsibility is always there, it never goes away and I do resent it. Sometimes I get very angry at her for not having planned her life better so that this wouldn't happen. I also resent the expectation that I am the one who must take care of her, and I think that's what you are reacting to when your in-laws came to you. I suspect there's a strong cultural component here. I am not American in my culture (most every culture actually) it is women who are expected to take care of elders.

Is it possible that your resentment isn't so much towards your mom but this cultural expectation that it is your responsibility to take care of her? Whatever it is, I just wanted to give you some reassurance that you are not a monster, or an evil person. Your feelings are valid and they matter. It is inevitable that you will have these unpleasant feelings frequently during this journey. My mom also has dementia (I should have said this sooner) and this evil disease really complicates everything. I often find myself wishing that she would die soon because really I don't see that she has any quality of life now and it is only going to get worse.

If your mother's getting some financial help in 5 years will allow you place her in a facility, you can be looking forward to that and you can do some research in the meantime to help you choose an appropriate placement. If you are het only help until then, find ways you can lighten your current "job.". Adult Day care might be worth the cost to give yourself some time away from her constant needs.

In the example you gave about going to a store, what was wrong with your mother standing up? Was she in danger of falling or wandering off? It sounds like your in-laws were with her, so she was probably physically safe. If she is distressed at not seeing you but is actually safe, don't panic that she might have a few minutes of anxiety.

Is it actually the financial burden of caring for her that irks you? You mentioned you are using your own funds. That could be at the root of your resentment more than caring for her 24/7. Just a thought.

I totally sympathise with you my mum is 81 and I resent her relying on me also I get frustrated with her and lose my patience as she forgets everything causes problems with the Carers and has started being rude unfortunately I’m told that’s just what they all go through but it is frustrating I have started cutting my visits down as she was stressing me out you are not alone I’m afraid but what option do we have

Yes, your feelings are valid and normal. I feel them also. This is hard. No one understands until they experience it. I have no easy answers for you but use any help you can to get breaks, and meet a friend or do something you enjoy. I also pray a lot for patience and compassion. And keep coming to this website. It helps. 💕

I believe it is normal to feel resent. I went through the same stage of caring for my Mom. My Mom was always a calm Mother when I was a child. She was fun, open , would sit down with us 4 daughters once a week and we would ask her anything we wanted to know. It was just the girls time with her as I have 3 brothers also. My Dad would do the same with the boys once a week. I had a wonderful childhood.

Dementia changed my Mom. She went thru so many changes. From, accusing me of stealing from her to saying I was an awful person and all my brother and sisters think so too. She would spit on me, call me filthy names, swing at me etc. I began to almost hate her but for sure I resented her for a while. Today , when I leave the room she begins yelling, Help me, Help me until I come back into the room and she can see me.

I do not resent her anymore. Nor do I feel anger or dislike towards her. She is calmer now. Loving, fun in different ways now and quite effectionate. The stages of this disease change. For a long time I have felt guilty for feeling so badly towards her.

Its not her fault. I live in my childhood when it comes to her. That's the Mom I will always remember. It's my childhood memories that keeps me from resenting her now and give me the strength to continue to care for her.

Your feeling of resent are normal. I hope it will pass someday.

'This burden of being the point person for even minor things really annoyed me...'

What you are feeling seems totally normal to me. We still tend to think of our parents as they were, our carers (whether good or bad at it), and it's really hard to have the roles reversed, especially if you are also helping out with grandchildren, as so many of us are these days.

My mum sadly *does* seem to be a narcissist and was never independent or proactive, and I find being responsible for running the life of someone I've never felt close to extremely difficult. Recent blood tests show my stress hormone levels are far too high, but what can I do? Society expects me to help my mother and I would feel guilty if I didn't, so no gain there!

I have had counselling and try to go walking in the country to calm myself. I hope you find a way that helps you.

The resentment is definitely part of the process. Ironically, it will switch back and forth between that and guilt.

Weary, great big warm hug!

I totally understand where you are coming from.

I would recommend having a talk with your inlaws and explain that they would be helping you tremendously if they would address a situation with mom when they see it. Like telling her, she's okay, you are just on the other ailse and will be back in a moment.

Sometimes it is hard to believe that adults can not know how to deal with a simple situation but, it is a balancing act to find where to step in and when to find you. Encourage them and give them ideas how to cope with her. I bet it helps everybody. Dementia is so confounding when you 1st encounter it.

Remember - breathe and find the humor. I bet you FIL never dealt with his kids "issues" either. :-) I can hear him now, mommy little man child has pooped and is looking for you, aaaahhhhh!

Hugs to you! I am sad to admit that I have felt this way many times. My Mom is and was an amazing Mom and deserves nothing but love but I get tired, frustrated and sometimes resentful. You are human. I never reached out for help or to take brakes, you should. Doesn't matter if other people will be as good as you are with your Mom, take a break whenever you can even if it is short. This helps a little. Know that you are not alone and you are allowed to feel whatever you feel.

As an only child, and an adoptee on top of that, it fell to me to deal with my mom as her decline toward death developed, including dementia that had been carefully masked by her since my dad had passed 11 years before. I use the word 'deal' on purpose because we had a difficult relationship from the getgo; and I lived halfway across the US from her to boot. It was bizarre and yet poignant to realize that I then had to 'parent my parent.' It was a huge disruption to my life, to my hardwon independence from the selfish, Narcissistic, controlling woman that raised me; my father was in the military and away on duty much of my early childhood. My resentment toward my mom stemmed from the poor communication, the financial burden, and the sudden dependency of my mom, who did not comprehend her actual situation. She had no friends and even relatives in her area kept their distance, such was her difficult personality. Luckily a kind lady who helped mom with housework once a week stepped up and became my long distance 'eyes and ears' and a conduit for me to do things for my mom. We often had to pretend many things were coming from the local lady friend, not from me, such was my mom's determination to keep me at arm's length, to acknowledge her need, her own increasing dependency. Mom's doctor was also a barrier, hiding behind HIPAA laws until her favorite nephew coaxed a permission slip out of her to make her doctor share important information with me; it was uphill all the way. I honestly felt trapped a lot of the time, and definitely overwhelmed, but support groups helped to a degree, plus my determination to ensure she and I had a 'clean' ending, for both our sakes: she was a human being deserving of dignity despite our rough history AND I wanted to know I did 'right' by her to be at peace when she passed away. Mom was suspicious of most everything I did, even financial things, but I knew it was her illness, not just her personality. As harsh as this may sound I sometimes think what else should we do...put our elders on an ice floe and send them away? Part of our own path and spiritual task is to step up, Without Undermining Our Own Health, because the task will also teach us, help us grow as human beings. That does NOT mean being anyone's doormat, or to be taken advantage of by other family members. Often times other folks are also at a loss as to What to Do; as with any interpersonal situation Communication is key: you have to spell it out for people, identify what is needed and ask for it. A lot is trial and error and that is OK! For the FIL who notified you 'your mom is standing'...let FIL know he has your backing, thank him and ask him to reassure her, to 'babysit' her. We will all be there someday, to one degree or another; I don't think any amount of 'planning' can cover all the bases because every journey is different. Nobody truly understands elder care until they've experienced it themselves, and there is no one 'right' way...your feelings are legitimate AND you/we step up; when we commit to the task it is very interesting how the way reveals itself; trust yourself, know that feelings are indicators, spurring us to become creative with ideas and solutions. All the Best for all concerned.

My Mom was a good Mom and I have been caring for her for the past 13 years. In the beginning I was happy to care for her. But now her Dimensia is at a point that she poos and pees herself many times a day and night. She wears diapers and pads yet nothing stops her from messing herself because she thinks she doesn’t need them and as soon as I am not looking she takes them off. I too have come to resent this burden. I am 67 and should be living a retired lifestyle instead I take care of her. But in the night when she is sleeping I remember the good times and say I can do this at least for a few more days. That is how I get thru it.
This message board has really helped me too. Prior all I read were these loving messages and thought why don’t I feel warm and loving towards her all the time. This board has really helped me to know I am not alone. One day at a time and often one hour at a time. God bless.

Yes, I have experienced the same feelings. When I was caring for my mom in my home, I felt anger, resentment, and lots of frustration. Even though she is now in Long-term Care, I still feel annoyed that her life has to take so much time out of my life.

Then, I feel guilty for having so many negative feelings.
You are not alone.

The resentment thing is such a common problem. Most of us feel your pain.
Just a little suggestion: I won't take my mom to the store anymore and maybe those trips need to be just a little break for you to concentrate on just doing what you need to do without the added burden of the hyper-awareness of taking her with you. If she likes going to a store, a specifically planned trip where the focus is only on her looking at things might take away the tension. My mom likes going out to eat, but now we can't even enjoy that much anymore because we have to worry about her not making it the bathroom in time. We have either cut down or cut out things that cause us even more stress, and 10 minutes later, mom won't remember whether she did it or not. This caretaking job is mind-numbing.

No they are not valid. Like children, frail, infirm, poorly oriented old people need supervision and reassurance. Parents become angry with their children in very similar ways when their freedom and patience is challenged. It’s always wise to consider that you will be in the same situation one day. It’s especially problematic to allow your own children to see your resentment when you are annoyed with your mother. Your own children may very well model the same behavior when it’s your turn to be dependent upon them. My grandmother came to live with us when she was close to 90 but in good shape. My mother treated her so shabbily in our presence. My grandmother was ultimately placed in a nursing home where she died. For the rest of my mother’s life, she suffered from extreme guilt over the way she had treated her mother and rightly so. Our grandmother was an absolutely wonderful person and did not deserve being continually stepped on and verbally abused the way she was. We made certain that our mother was never treated the way she had treated her own mother, but we could have used it as an excuse to treat her the same way. Resent all you want to but treat your mother kindly.

It is sad but not every human has the patience and tolerance to be a caretaker. This is especially true if the person has dementia. These people have broken minds and their behavior can drive a normal person literally insane - who on earth would not get frustrated and angry and want to escape. There are some who can let this go in one ear and out of the other but not everyone can handle that - I know I'd last five minutes and be ready to explode. But I excel in other endeavors. You are normal - she is broken and you can't fix it and no one else can either and it all falls on your shoulders. If possible, find a caretaker before you are so affected negatively, something will have to give. And somehow find a place to put her so she is cared for and you keep your sanity and your life......you feel normal things.

I wish I had a daughter like you. Sigh. I live alone, am 74, and am starting to really deteriorate after my "coding" (dying) from Ventricular Fibrillation in 2117. After they revived me, they put in a pacemaker/defibrillator . I am in Stage 3 of Congestive Heart failure and can feel myself going downhill. The two major things I do for myself... well, 3 major things: testing my breathing, blood pressure and blood sugar, and figuring out which meds to take daily; washing and drying the clothes (but unable to stand long enough to hang them up or fold them); washing the dishes. (Oh, and I order meals to come to my apartment that require little to no fussing in the kitchen, such as chicken wraps you just eat out of the container). The one thing I can't do is take out my garbage. I have asked my son to help me once a week and he expressed THE SAME EXACT FEELINGS you are having. And that is just for ONCE A WEEK, no more than one hour a week. So, I WISH I had a daughter like you. I'm sorry you are being burdened. I think PART of it is also the realization that you are losing your mom slowly and that hurts. IT IS EASIER to be angry or annoyed than to be scared. God bless you for being such a great daughter. If there is ANYONE else in the family nearby, do not hold back your INSISTENCE that they pitch in and help. Explain until she is here X number of years, the government CAN NOT help Mom. Take some deep breaths and find a way to have comfort time for yourself. Realize you are A HERO!!!!

You are sooo NOT alone trust me! My mother like yours was a good mother and still is. I have been her primary caretaker for almost two years now. You are a good daughter trying to do a very difficult job. It is totally normal to feel these feelings of resentment at times and then guilt. Anyone in our situation would. What I have found to help ease the stress is getting help. Find it where ever you can. Family if you’re lucky to have them help out, agencies if you have the financial means, church if you are involved and definitely look into your local senior citizen community services. I receive 6 hours a week for my mom from them. Bottom line you are doing a wonderful thing caring for your Mom but also an extremely difficult one that takes a village! So you have to create your own village! I wish you all the best. This forum has helped me so much in the past year and a half I cannot even begin to tell you. I pray for all of us here each day 🙏