My Mom wants us to move in together to share expenses but I really don't want to. Any advice?

Detach.... detach...... detach..... that was well said! A good psychotherapist
could help you see how unhealthy that all is.....

OMG NOW my AUNT is bugging me to go down to Arizona to be with my mom! Claiming "Your mom NEEDS you" I told her "no she needs my money. And told her that I have life here and so on. She is just as bad as my mom!

Her problem, elmo, not yours. You don't have to fix it. If it wasn't the boyfriend it would be something else. Detach, detach, detach! ((((hugs)))))

My mom has a boyfriend and I was hoping that would have been a good enough distraction too. But apparently not. he travels a lot and he doesn't want to marry her and he still lives with HIS parents. So it's sadly not distraction enough.

the MIL found herself a male companion at the assisted living! He used to go dancing at the same dance hall that she and her deceased husband used to frequent. He lost his wife to alzheimers awhile back and recently moved to the place she is in. She found him and they have been inseparable every since! Thank GOD!!! Maybe we can finally have some peace!!! I just hope it continues. I know there are a lot more women than men at those places and just hope he keeps his eyes on her and doesn't get interested in the company of another. She FINALLY has a distraction and is leaving us alone, for now!
YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It feels SO GOOD to be able to "vent' on this link. If I wasn't able to "let it out"
and purge, someone would have died a long time ago.... ; D and I don't mean me. What people who have not experienced themselves do not understand, is that it is truly a survival tactic. There HAS to be boundaries set.
When his mother tried that on me awhile back, I reminded her of what she said about her mother when her mother had alzheimers some years ago and was so difficult. I told her why don't you move her in with you and take care of her and she replied that she certainly could not take care of someone like that. I told her, but I know she has since forgotten, that we could not take care of her and she should not expect us to take that on. She got quiet for that moment.
But, it starts ALL over again the following day when she can't remember yesterday and you have always been a demanding, needy "ME" kind of person.
Everyone enduring this just needs to remember, YOU now have control and NOT let them get to you.

1Naturelover, we go thru that with my MIL who does NOT have dementia, & has just been needy, etc. all her life. Oh, and her husband is still alive, they are still married, and he just ignores her. All her 5 kids came to that same conclusion (decline phone calls); unfortunately, for some of them not before it ruined their marriages. Glad to hear that your husband has figured this out, too.

Elmo, don't give in. You ARE strong and entitled to your own life and happiness. Hang in there.....we're all pulling for you.

My huband FINALLY learned that he can actually decline a cell phone call from mom. Her new thing is to call in the evenings and ask him why he is not there (we live 1 hr away) and that he is just throwing her away. He sees her at least once a week and she has activities and people around her at the assisted living
He answered the 1st call and after he told her he had a life and could not be there everyday, and told her goodbye and that he would talk to her tomorrow.
She immediately called and I was SO HAPPY to see he declined the call. I told him he has the power NOT to let her do that to him. God forgive me , but you really start to hate them after awhile. Nothing like a demanding, needy old woman with dementia, trying to manipulate you into getting what she wants! UGH! She does not remember what you did for her yesterday. All my friends always laugh at me when I put my finger up to my temple and make the gun going off sound when I tell them what we are going through. We just learn to
laugh more and "turn it off" in your mind. : D

OMG! I could have written your letter. Just keep telling her no. Was she planning on moving in with you? Or did she want you to move in with her? Or does she want to move to a bigger (i.e., more expensive) place. Do you each rent? In my case my mom wanted each of us to sell our condos & buy a bigger place. She even had a place already picked out for $300k! I tried to explain to her that taxes on a $300k condo were $8k/year & my entire mortgage payment was only $6k/yr! So how was this going to be a good deal for me? Last year she started demanding to move in with me. Instead she is selling her condo & moving into a condo in my complex in the building next door. I am sure I am going to regret this. My mom is exactly as you described your mother.

Elmo, she's not accepting it because there's something in the controlling mother wiring that doesn't allow them to take no for answer. It drives them to do and say absolutely whatever they need to to get you to cave in.....I call it Mom's "scorch the earth". They try to veil it that they are doing it for your own good, but it's really about their wants. Don't concern yourself with her accepting it - just keep repeating it and then dropping the subject. I wish I could tell you that eventually these moms see their daughters as capable, independent adults and the battles cease. But what does happen is that you change, and with every time you assert yourself, it gets easier and easier for you to be a functional adult with your mom.

My MIL is in a beautiful assisted living and would never go into a nursing home willingly but as her
Dementia progresses we will have to at some point. She does not like other women but does
Like attention from men ANY age. She was hard to like even when she had her mind and I really struggle with dealing with her now. : (. Who knew they could make your lives so miserable

Elmo how about SHE get a life insurance policy and have you as the beneficiary? You are in a wheel chair and living on your own and she wants to benefit off of you? What??

As a mother that just doesn't sound right. Do not get a policy even if you could. That creeps me out. But I tend to watch too much of Dateline!!!!! Just saying!

1naturelover and others, my mom is just so disagreeable about everything. Negative about everything. And wants her way about everything. We think she is just starting to slip a bit. Maybe a little dementia.

Thank all of you who have posted over the years with so many similar scenarios. It has made me realize I can never personally take care of mom and I don't need to feel bad about it (she claims she WANTS to go into a nursing home). So she has made it easy and you guys have shown me the answers to many difficult situations which I am sure await me and my brother.

Thank you all

She made us call 911 that day to take her to ER. The ambulance guy asked me what was wrong with her, and I told him "I think she has a bad chest cold but she likes the attention" He said "yeah, we know the type. Seen it before:
She had to wait in ER since there were many other really sick people who needed attention and she complained that no one was tending to her. I told her
it was not the Hillton..... she was in ER and there were many other sick people who needed help. She was discharged soon after she was looked at. She ruined our Christmas Day........ little did I know that it was going to be that way from then on...... I could write a book about crazy old people and how they can drive you nuts~!!!!

Just sitting here recalling my MIL being sick 2 Christmas's ago. Her husband was still alive that Christmas but he was sick with an inoperable aortic aneuryism I made the entire dinner and brought it to their home an hour away.
This was before she was diagnosed with dementia, too. She was in bed ringing her stupid little bell on her night table constantly.... Daddy I need this, or Daddy I need that! I wanted to go in there and strangle her. No wonder he died so quickly. She wore him out. My point, some people are just demanding,
emotionally needy and will suck the life out of you if you let them. Just DON"T let them.

We can NEVER change the dysfunction of the person. That stays with them as they age and get dementia You should see to it that they are properly cared for and tended to but you do NOT let yourself be pulled into their guilt trip, etc.
You must be smart enough to see it for what it is and you pull away from that behavior. You stand your ground, and be firm. It is like teaching a child. Some things cannot be fixed to make everybody happy

Your mother can accept it, reject it, pretend she doesn't understand it, "forget" it, or start speaking in tongues about it. Not Your Problem. You have made a decision. You don't have to even continue discussing it, and you certainly don't have to change your mind.

What is it that is it about your mother that is bothering you, elmo? You have already said "No". If your mother cannot accept it, that is her problem, It does not have to be your problem. We, who were brought up by controlling self centered mothers, tend to want to please them. It is an impossible task. She can disagree with you and not accept it till she is blue on the face. That does not mean you have to change your mind or feel bad about your decision. You can agree to disagree with her. When you say she cannot accept it what exactly do you mean and how is that affecting you? You are entitled to live your life as you choose to.

Thing is: my mother lives in Phoenix. She wants me to move there and I don't want to.I have told her this and she can't accept that. I don't want to move in with her at all. She has a good job, she has a boyfriend apparently for the last 3 years and her sister lives there. If she is lonely that is her own doing.

There IS a general cultural tendency to feel a need to boss people around just because they are getting around on wheels, and it needs to be squelched, FIRMLY. Just my $0.02 as a rehab doc.

"No, I'm not interested." "No, I won't consider it." " If you think that means I don't love you, you need therapy." " If you think that means I'm evil, you need therapy." Etc. You say the one thing you plan to say about the issue, then, "I'm sorry, that's not up for discussion. Would you like to talk about something else? No? Well, I gotta go! Bye!" and hang up and don't answer when she calls back for at least 3 hours or how ever long. You are training her, just like a toddler.

my MIL with dementia tried to manipulate us into taking her in after her husband died last year. She is a real piece of work and is a "Me' girl. When I said "No way", she has money, we put her in a very nice assisted living facility with lots of activities with people her own age and she has caregivers round the clock. She wants someone to "entertain" her all of the time and that is impossible. She was that way before dementia, and it has escalated with the disease. She is unhappy and still tries to use guilt and manipulation. DON"T move in with your mother. You would be miserable and it could ruin your health
Stand firm and :just say no".

Give yourself permission to put your own needs first--don't move in. You can do it!

Sounds like it will be a disaster, and deep down you know it. You found the strength to get out after 28 years; you will find the strength to stay out. When she starts in with the guilt stuff, just say "oops, Mom, gotta go....love ya" and then hang up. Practice it in the mirror if you have to. If you get trapped in the conversation, can you say "oh, sorry, Mom, it won't work for me" and then switch the subject? You do NOT need to explain exactly why it won't work for you. Yes, you have that right. Prayers for your continued strength.

You're 40 not 4. You don't want to move in with her - enough said - don't. Maybe since you are in wheelchair she wants to take care of you - let her know you appreciate her concern for your health, finances, whatever, but you will manage on your own.
If she is in need of caregiver - now would be a good time to have that conversation, or at least look into your options for when the time comes.

Don't do it! Me (46) and my daughter (13) are sharing a rental house with my mom (66) and my mom is a sulky pouty manipulator that acts worse than the teenager when she doesn't get her way! Am apartment hunting now as we speak! I didn't listen to my gut when I went into this....silly me! Don't do it!

And whenever I go to do something on my own, I arrange an agency caregiver to come in, and Mom always says "I'll come with you". ARRGH!

Whenever I want to do something social or for myself that will take time away from my mother, my mom says things like "you can always do that when I'm dead." lol or "someday when I'm gone you're going to say I wish I had spent more time with my mother"--how do you spell manipulation and guilt?! Or the trump card, "I wish I still had my mother, you never appreciate your mother until she is gone." arrrrghhhhhhhhhhhh

So what I do is "let" her get her way half the time now. The other half I say sorry I made plans but I will see you soon. Then I go. Yeah, I felt guilty at first because she did her work well raising me on guilt, but I've learned to logically plow through the guilt. Its irrational, its manipulative and its just not nice. I never ever do that to my grown children.

Don't let her do that to you. Stand your ground and firmly but nicely say no thank you. Don't get drawn into long explainations or excuses. JUST SAY NO (but nicely).

Perhaps the kindest thing you could do is help her explore alternatives. Maybe there's a woman her own age who would like to be your mother's roommate. Find something to fill her mind and time and distract her from obsessing about you. Blessings to you both for a peaceful outcome.

It's tough when your mom can't transition to "this is my child but she's NOT a child, she's an adult." In this case, you can't be wishy washy, or talk in terms of feelings, but declarative statements. And it's important to convey to her that this really isn't up for discussion (read manipulation). Sometimes I have to be very clear with my mom that this is my decision, it's not changing no matter how much talk follows so we're going to drop it and move on to some other topic.
Brevity really helps because when you're telling them something they don't want to hear, they only get the first couple sentences anyhow because they're regrouping and thinking about their next mental chess move with you.