My Mom wants us to move in together to share expenses but I really don't want to. Any advice?

"My mom wants us to move in together to share expenses but I really don't want to."

Then don't.

"She still thinks if she makes me feel guilty enough that I will give in."

Just make sure she is really truly wrong. Don't give in.

Stop taking money from her. Cut the umbilical cord. You are 40 and it is time. Realize she controls you with money. Stop her.

I am not taking money from her! She takes money from ME.

Ditto to what Jeanne wrote. I can tell that it would not make you happy. Your mother would probably take on the boss role, making you feel like you had no autonomy anymore.

Elmo, if you help her financially, is this miswritten?
"She still "helps" me pay my bills"

elmopalooza - you mean you give her money? You wrote above that " She still "helps" me pay my bills" That seems to suggest that she gives you money.

I know it is hard to say "No" to a controlling mother, but that is what you have to do to keep a sane life. Just say "No" and don't get into arguments about why.

You are an adult and can make your own choices. I would tell her that you are not going to move in with her, rather than you don't want to, because saying you don't want to leaves open the possibility that you might, and encourages her to put the pressure on you to change your mind.

I doubt telling her how you feel does any good at all if she is a controlling person. She works with FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. You know there is something is this to benefit her, at your expense. I expect you also know she won't like your answer, but that is her problem. (((((hugs))))) look after you

What I meant is that she tells me how much money to pay on my credit card and how much I can spend on food,etc. She has a job right now so does not ask for money. But she has in the past and with me being on a fixed income that is not really good for me. I love my mom but I can't keep helping her like this.

NO, this is not going to work. She wants to take over and run your life for you - because she cares about you of course - and you are completely correct, listen to those alarm bells going off.

She may be in need of something to make her life more meaningful or fun, but hopefully you can find her something else that would fill that need besides being the full time boss of you. Or possibly she is scared she can't manage on her own, in which case getting outside help may be the answer.

Please do not fall for this. Do not let her guilt you into this living arrangement.Guilt being the operative word.

Don't do it if you don't have to, trust me I am there and it is horrible. My mom is the same as yours except she does have the capacity to take control so she just puts me down and is mean to me. Yesterday she told me I was sick in the head. I am looking for a way out.

DON'T DO IT.

If you do, you won't be able to get out.

Sharon

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO do not move in im a basket case! mums hold over me with money is awful. My mum has dementia BUT it dosnt matter its a huge mistake even if you get on and she has no health issues. Stay where you are id rather be poor than live like this as soon as i can financially im moving out!
Keep your relationship mother and daughter spend time with her etc.....but dont move in youve enough problems of your own.
And we all know the guilt thing but thats thier only weapon dont fall for it!!

Yeah my mom is like that. I tell her i have friends and her response "What friends? You never talk about these friends" As if it is her business who I hang out with or anything.I have a brother and sister and they both have told her they can't help her. My brother is raising 3 kids on his own and when he told her he could not help her she told me "your bother hates me" and my sister has 5 kids still at home and they are strapped. She has a sister and a boyfriend who she could ask for help but she won't do it. She doesn't want to give up HER life in Arizona to move back to Washington State. But she think I should give up MY life. When my dad died 12 years ago, she could not wait to kick me out of the house and make me start living on my own. I love it now even though it was hard at first and now she wants me to go backwards. She has a job as a nanny and they people love her SO MUCH that they PAID her when they went on vacation even though she did not work. But instead of being appreciative and thankful that she can have a job and take care of herself she is whining about it. She thinks if we move in together and split the bills that we will have all this money to go on vacation. We both make less then 2,000 dollars as it is. And after all the expenses I don't see how she thinks that we will have any money left. Especiallly if she quits her job.

Keep it simple, don't give a lot of reasons that she will try to chip away at. Just firmly state that that is not possible, that that won't work for you. Period.

She even tried to get me to get life insurance at one point. For what I don't know. I am not married and have no kids. Why would i need it? And I don't even qualify because I have pre-existing condition. And she has not thought of the long term consequences of us living together. What happens if we DO move in together and she dies? Then what? i would be stuck paying the bills and paying for a house I can't afford.

Sounds like she wanted you to have life insurance and name herself as the beneficiary. How selfish!

Do not move in with her.

It's tough when your mom can't transition to "this is my child but she's NOT a child, she's an adult." In this case, you can't be wishy washy, or talk in terms of feelings, but declarative statements. And it's important to convey to her that this really isn't up for discussion (read manipulation). Sometimes I have to be very clear with my mom that this is my decision, it's not changing no matter how much talk follows so we're going to drop it and move on to some other topic.
Brevity really helps because when you're telling them something they don't want to hear, they only get the first couple sentences anyhow because they're regrouping and thinking about their next mental chess move with you.

Perhaps the kindest thing you could do is help her explore alternatives. Maybe there's a woman her own age who would like to be your mother's roommate. Find something to fill her mind and time and distract her from obsessing about you. Blessings to you both for a peaceful outcome.

Whenever I want to do something social or for myself that will take time away from my mother, my mom says things like "you can always do that when I'm dead." lol or "someday when I'm gone you're going to say I wish I had spent more time with my mother"--how do you spell manipulation and guilt?! Or the trump card, "I wish I still had my mother, you never appreciate your mother until she is gone." arrrrghhhhhhhhhhhh

So what I do is "let" her get her way half the time now. The other half I say sorry I made plans but I will see you soon. Then I go. Yeah, I felt guilty at first because she did her work well raising me on guilt, but I've learned to logically plow through the guilt. Its irrational, its manipulative and its just not nice. I never ever do that to my grown children.

Don't let her do that to you. Stand your ground and firmly but nicely say no thank you. Don't get drawn into long explainations or excuses. JUST SAY NO (but nicely).

And whenever I go to do something on my own, I arrange an agency caregiver to come in, and Mom always says "I'll come with you". ARRGH!

Don't do it! Me (46) and my daughter (13) are sharing a rental house with my mom (66) and my mom is a sulky pouty manipulator that acts worse than the teenager when she doesn't get her way! Am apartment hunting now as we speak! I didn't listen to my gut when I went into this....silly me! Don't do it!

You're 40 not 4. You don't want to move in with her - enough said - don't. Maybe since you are in wheelchair she wants to take care of you - let her know you appreciate her concern for your health, finances, whatever, but you will manage on your own.
If she is in need of caregiver - now would be a good time to have that conversation, or at least look into your options for when the time comes.

Sounds like it will be a disaster, and deep down you know it. You found the strength to get out after 28 years; you will find the strength to stay out. When she starts in with the guilt stuff, just say "oops, Mom, gotta go....love ya" and then hang up. Practice it in the mirror if you have to. If you get trapped in the conversation, can you say "oh, sorry, Mom, it won't work for me" and then switch the subject? You do NOT need to explain exactly why it won't work for you. Yes, you have that right. Prayers for your continued strength.

Give yourself permission to put your own needs first--don't move in. You can do it!

my MIL with dementia tried to manipulate us into taking her in after her husband died last year. She is a real piece of work and is a "Me' girl. When I said "No way", she has money, we put her in a very nice assisted living facility with lots of activities with people her own age and she has caregivers round the clock. She wants someone to "entertain" her all of the time and that is impossible. She was that way before dementia, and it has escalated with the disease. She is unhappy and still tries to use guilt and manipulation. DON"T move in with your mother. You would be miserable and it could ruin your health
Stand firm and :just say no".

"No, I'm not interested." "No, I won't consider it." " If you think that means I don't love you, you need therapy." " If you think that means I'm evil, you need therapy." Etc. You say the one thing you plan to say about the issue, then, "I'm sorry, that's not up for discussion. Would you like to talk about something else? No? Well, I gotta go! Bye!" and hang up and don't answer when she calls back for at least 3 hours or how ever long. You are training her, just like a toddler.

There IS a general cultural tendency to feel a need to boss people around just because they are getting around on wheels, and it needs to be squelched, FIRMLY. Just my $0.02 as a rehab doc.

Thing is: my mother lives in Phoenix. She wants me to move there and I don't want to.I have told her this and she can't accept that. I don't want to move in with her at all. She has a good job, she has a boyfriend apparently for the last 3 years and her sister lives there. If she is lonely that is her own doing.

What is it that is it about your mother that is bothering you, elmo? You have already said "No". If your mother cannot accept it, that is her problem, It does not have to be your problem. We, who were brought up by controlling self centered mothers, tend to want to please them. It is an impossible task. She can disagree with you and not accept it till she is blue on the face. That does not mean you have to change your mind or feel bad about your decision. You can agree to disagree with her. When you say she cannot accept it what exactly do you mean and how is that affecting you? You are entitled to live your life as you choose to.

Your mother can accept it, reject it, pretend she doesn't understand it, "forget" it, or start speaking in tongues about it. Not Your Problem. You have made a decision. You don't have to even continue discussing it, and you certainly don't have to change your mind.