Mom wants things done but doesn't want to pay for it. Advice?

MajorLeague: " I no longer ask my mother the easy yes or no answers, I have to ask her what she thinks the answer or solution is to the particular problem. 'How do you see this getting done,' I ask. For me it sends a clear message that says, 'Not by me.'"

What a great idea! Thinking back, I didn't do this. I might ignore the demand, and actually often my mother did forget about it. But eventually (sometimes very soon) she was back at it, making a ridiculous demand. But for some people who assume that the child will do it all, it will force them to come right out and say, "YOU do it!" And some that expect the child to offer will find it uncomfortable to get to the point of demanding it from the child.

This is such a common issue for the elderly. My mom didn’t want to part with money either. They never forgot the depression era. Oh gosh. I remember my great aunts hiding money in bedposts. I wonder how much money is found in elderly people’s homes after they die. They didn’t trust banks and stashed money in their secret spots in their homes.

I’m in somewhat the same boat although my mother does not have dementia. My mother needs care and help and to get well and the first thing she wants to do is get her entire house remodeled and redone. Of course she wants me to get this process started. I said no. I asked her what is the reason that she wants to spend money on her home instead of her immediate needs e.g. care and getting well, and she really didn’t have an answer because her ‘immediate needs’ was standing right in front of her. I no longer ask my mother the easy yes or no answers, i have to ask her what she thinks the answer or solution is to the particular problem. “How do you see this getting done,” I ask. For me it sends a clear message that says, “Not by me.” Strange dance we all have to do now.

Doing this kind of work is ridiculous. They get so bent out of shape over a blade of grass or a drooping tree branch that could literally be taken care of in ten minutes for 100 bucks, BY SOMEONE ELSE. Your health is not worth “make my yard look nice and I don’t want to pay for it so it’s all you.” No way.

Tell her brother feels bad about not being there more often so he offered to pay for all maintenance around the house. (Get bro on board before hand so he knows what's going on). He prefers that she save her money to pay for medical needs and in home help to be sure she's safe.

You, on the other hand, need to have a pretty bad back ache or other pain in the presence of your mom - can't do this today because my back still acting up and from what the dr said, it might not get better if I climb a ladder, lift something, etc. Your ache is going to have to be around long enough for her to get used to other 'paid' people are doing her chores.

i would tell her your brother took care of it and leave it at that. When I took care of both parents who both had dimentia I always used my brother who lived 10 hours away as a foil. I would blame my brother for anything they didn’t like and it was best they were mad at him since he wasn’t around. My brother was in on the plan and was happy to take the stress away from me. They never confronted him and actually moved on very quickly. If your brother agrees, do it!!!! God bless you for taking care of your mother.

I think as tough as it may be you have to state the new rules: You cannot and will not do these things because of your situation - end of story. Tell her someone will be hired and they will be paid accordingly as the work must be done. Let her rant and rave - do what you have to do and just ignore her and continue to hire people but warn them ahead of time they report to you and to you alone. Good luck. And tell her your brother can't and won't help so she has to put up with hired help. Stand your ground and be tough.

Imho, my own late mother was of the mindset that it would cost $10 for the leaves in her entire yard to be raked. I used to say to her "In what decade did you think it would cost $10?" Moral of the story is that the elder wants to pinch pennies (think Depression Era mindset). $100 for the handyman is a real bargain - go with that.

Let her get angry. You shouldn’t be doing anything except for light chores and only if you want to. She obviously doesn’t care about your health and is selfish. Don’t let her guilt you. If she gets angry, don’t speak to her until she gets over her fit.

Save yourself for real problems. Hire the handyman you are no doubt blessed to have in your life and pay him out of mothers funds.

Action:
Mom. Who paid for it?

You. You did. It’s $100 for the handyman. It’s $2000 to take the trees down.

Mom: Take the trees down!! Why would I take the trees down?

You: To save time. I don’t have time to have this conversation again.
(No laughing while you deliver this line. Chore monkeys are not allowed to laugh)

Pick up your purse and keys and exit.

Next problem.

Talk to your brother because you two need to be on the same page. Your brother and you need to let her know that you'll be glad to visit, but you'll no longer do chores. Stand your ground; she'll balk right now, but she'll get used to it. Your mom needs to pay for all the help you need. PERIOD! - You may have to tell her that "maybe the house is too much for her to handle and you'll be glad to help her find an apartment or an assisted living" -

I did all the work here and got nothing for my time and energy. That is because mother gave money to the other family members who did nothing and there was nothing left for me.
After six years I had enough.
I just explain to her that from now on, you have the money either you pay me, pay someone else get one of your useless family members to finally contribute to the upkeep or it does not get done.
Be firm but polite and do not back down. She is your mother, she is expected to be respectful towards you.

Apart from your ability or willingness to do chores for your mother, it is selfish and unreasonable of your mother to expect you or anyone to do take care of her mome maintenance for free. her choice: her responsibility.

If you are damned if you do, and damned if you don't, as one writer says, the solution is obvious. Your Mom is being ridiculous. You are sick. Your doctor does not want you stressing yourself, and believe me, he/she does not. You will increase flare ups. Tell her so and that you will assign someone to over see the house as they see fit. There are professional organizers, very pricey. She might let you do it for less. If not, go ahead and do it. Like it is going to make the relationship worse?

It seems you feel absolutely powerless in your own home. I would say either hire the person and turn a gentle, smiling face toward her when she does her while angry-act. Gently remind her that you can't do this much anymore, and that her funds should be spent on HER to keep her place in good shape. You will have to either DO IT, or incur some of her wrath. I mean, was she every any different?
MS can be affected by both physical output you know you should not be doing, and by mental stress. Do consider moving away from this woman if you are able. I may be crucial to your health.
Wishing you good luck.

I can’t get passed the term “chore monkey”. I ‘m glad it’s not something a commentator has used. ( Like the late Howard Cosell from Monday Night Football fame.)
I just list my wife. In her final days, she was in Hospice Care. Translation- they provide free drugs and change the bed plus the client if they no longer have the strength to do it themselves.
i’m 79. My daughter that lives close by has MS. She & her mom were best buddies... shopped together. Had lunch in upscale places and such.
We married just after the Kennedy assassination.
I have been disabled for 21 years, but could still walk some most days. She had to be changed regularly as she could no longer walk or get out of bed unassisted by 2 people.
i ( we) caught a break as members of our family are military medical. They made it look easy. and done as well as a veteran caregiver. Hospice does not provide a 24/7 “chore monkey”.
Thats on whoever if you have the $$. It’s not cheap. My wife was determined not to have expensive tests done, nor willingly go to a hospital. She made sure that the Purple DNR was posted clearly throughout the apartment.
We didn’t have $$ for things most people take for granted. But she made sure her body got to a local medical school, and her bills were paid.

Your brother is too far away and you are not physically able. Tell your mom, this. Keep it simple...I am not physically able. Then hire the work done and let her pay it, even if she is resentful. She needs to get used to paying for help.

I feel your pain my mum is of the same age and won’t part with a penny and like your mum she has it as well, I just get angry with her and tell her I can’t do everything she asks me to do with you having POA I would take the money myself and pay for work getting done you could ask that the maintenance people don’t tell her where the money is from I don’t understand why they all go like that at that age my mum won’t get checked by the doctor either but I know it must be Dementia hats work aren’t they? Good luck

If she chooses to stay in her large home, she will have to pay for the privilege.

It does not need to be you who does the chores for money or otherwise. You should use her money to hire help as needed.

Your mother won't like it, but her choice is pay to maintain the house and property or move to an apartment or a facility.

Your mom can't be living alone anymore. Can you talk to her primary care doctor and bring her to an appointment? Maybe she'll be agreeable seeing her regular doctor and you can get a dementia diagnoses there.
Don't kill yourself trying to be a one-person landscaping team for her. If she refuses to pay a service then leave it as it is. Explain to her that you can't do it. If it's allowed to get bad enough the city or town she lives in will get a ruling and she doesn't get it done, they will do it. Then she'll see what a real bill looks like. Sometimes, many times our senior loved ones can only get over their stubbornness by learning the hard way.
I worked for an old lady years ago who would pay for nothing and thought her son and DIL should do the work for free. The outside got so bad that the town had to come and do the work. Then the little old lady who wanted everything for free got a $10,000 bill from the city for the work that she then got 30 days to pay otherwise they'll put a lien on the property. The town got their money.
You and your brother should talk to your mom together that she now has to accept homecare help coming in. There has to be money spent to make her house safe for her to stay in. There has to be money spent to keep the outside property up too.
Otherwise her money will be spent on the nursing home you and brother put her in. That she will not be allowed to stay in her home if the place isn't safe and she isn't cared for. The state will be the one making the decisions because it will be out of her hands, yours, and your brother's.
Have a social worker explain this to her too.

Your mother appears to be holding on to last vestige of control, however sorry but you and brother need to get her in reality, as best as you can. If she appears to be unsafe, then it will only get worse and you both appear to not be addressing the real issue, mom is not capable of managing her home. The primary POA, you have your own health issues that really should not be getting heightened by stress and anxiety, your brother is away in distance and sorry, most men are not Caregivers, as in hands on, you have stated this nicely, he lives away not her "chore monkey" so I guess you are?
I would get together with long distance brother and make a plan, unless you ready to provide her a place to stay, you are looking at taking over, or forced to move in.

Unfortunately, most allow family members to get worse allowing then to think they are in control but what happens if yard man just stop coming, house begin to fall apart, she ends up on the floor cannot get up? Must let her know, both of you, and to be honest, I hope there is a back up decision maker, mother requires more help than you might be able to give if you do not see she is incapable of rational decision making. Might begin to speak with an attorney and get a Case Manager who specializes in creating care plans. It is time for you both to have a real family meeting.

I love the expression "chore monkey," too!

From earlier posts I learned that you live 150 miles RT from her, and that she is about 83 years old.

How often are you going to her house, and when you are there, what do you do? You've also previously mentioned that she doesn't like to shower (hard to get into and out of the tub), and that she's refused to do maintenance on the house in the past. Does she keep up with cleaning? (I'm guessing no.)

What is her financial situation? And, more importantly, how long are you willing to enable the current situation? As time goes on, you will be expected to shoulder more and more of the burden, to prop up her self-image of "independent" living.

Let your mom know that these things need to be done and you need help doing it and remind her your brother lives too far away and has plenty to do already.
She'll just have to get over it

I see many good solutions for this issue, BUT it is very difficult, if not impossible to reason with someone who won't part with their money.
My suggestion, if it doesn't need to be done let it go.
If it truly needs to be done, you might be able to reason with your Mom by showing her "the numbers", including her savings, income vs living expenses. Indicate what she can spend yearly for home maintenance And how long her money will last.
Most elderly are very concerned about running out of money. I know from experience.
Another approach may be to address your health issues with Mom.
It is difficult to reason with an unreasonable person.
Best wishes.

My mom used to always get me to do all the chores around her place. She insisted to pay me a pitance ($5-$10) for my hard work. She always told me she would rather I do the work and keep the money "in the family".

I slowly learned that "keep it in the family" meant that she got the jobs done for a 10th of the price she would have to pay someone else to do it.

What I discovered (years later, sadly) was that she was getting a subsidy from the government all along to pay for the jobs I was doing, and she was spending the money she saved by getting me to do the work on makeup and shoes!

I stopped helping after I found out I was getting used as cheap labor so she could pocket the difference!

Just say 'no'.

Not sure I have an answer for this. I have two grown sons and they wouldn’t be expected to do my yard work on a regular basis unless they were living in my house rent free or I could pay them on the spot. Argh- its one thing to help parents in the yard every now and then, but its another to expect them to maintain a large yard/lifestyle that they probably barely use.
Sad because the home could be sold to someone who would enjoy doing the yard work/ and or the yard instead of see it as a burden.
I don’t know if your mom has dementia or what level but I felt for you when you said your mom would resent you for it. That is her problem. Don’t let her emotions stop you from working with your brother to help you find a practical solution. Which by the way you already have- pay the handyman for now. I mean many seniors just received unexpected stimulus checks. Use that money. 🙂
People shouldn’t give birth to sons (or daughters) so they become chore monkeys for them. Yes sometimes people get old and need assistance, but the yard is becoming an unrealistic lifestyle for you and your mother.

It's good that you have POA. Can you go paperless on one of her bank accounts and have the emails sent to you and only you have the logon so that she doesn't see the statements? If she is being unreasonable about hiring help to maintain her large house and yard, try to set things up so that you can pay her bills out of an account she doesn't see. One of the worries of seniors, whether they have dementia or not, is that they will run out of money. Keep reassuring her that she has enough money to last for her whole life (many years to come). I tried to do this with my mother, and don't know if it really worked. She still felt anxiety about money at times. If she asks, how the handyman is getting paid, tell her you got a good deal and it's "all included in his pay." To get high branches trimmed you may need an arborist. If she's capable of understanding, you can also remind her that the house will lose value if it is not maintained. It is not reasonable that she should expect you and your brother to maintain her house for her. You have your own health issues, and your brother has his job and family responsibilities. Also, tell her you'd like your time with her to be quality visiting time (or taking her shopping and to the doctor), and not spending your time doing chores. Talk to her about getting someone to help with the heavy tasks of gardening, cleaning and laundry, and the specialized tasks of plumbing, electrical, repairs. With MS, you should probably not even be going up on ladders to change light bulbs. Be sure to lock up valuables and financial papers if you have people you don't know coming into the house. Eventually, try to get her to let you take over all of her finances. I had to do this for my mother when she was not paying her bills on time and was filling out checks incorrectly. When that time comes, it's best to have all bills and statements sent to your address. Also have a talk with her about how she wants to handle things if she is no longer able to take care of herself. Does she want aides to come in, or downsize and move to assisted living? If you think she's in the early stages of dementia make sure all of her paperwork is in order while she can still sign her name. You need to be on file with Social Security and Medicare to be able to speak on her behalf, many banks and financial institutions have their own POA forms that she'll have to sign, she needs a living will with her medical directives, and since she owns a house and has assets, she should have a will. You'll probably need an attorney to help with some of these documents, if this is not already done.

my new favorite word "chore monkey". I was a chore monkey after my granddad passed away and for 22 years till my grandmother died. I never got paid no matter what I did. Check with a local senior citizen center to see if they have volunteers that might do this at a lower price or at a discount. You will need to be firm with your mother on home upkeep. My grandmother tried to make me rewire her door bell. Since I know nothing about electrical wiring I pointed out to her that I ran the risk of electrocution. Her counter to my ignorance of wiring "I though every man knew how to rewire things". You will need to set limits on hazardous things like large tree pruning, wiring, plumbing, electrical issues, appliance repair that require training. You might want to think about getting some lower care plants for the yard and garden. Xeriscaping a garden/lawn can reduce care to almost zero.

It's time to get together with your brother and discuss all of your mother's care needs and get a plan together that neither you nor he will continue maintaining her home and yard because she has the money to pay for it.

Being that your brother lives 7 hours away, he has an easy excuse: "Sorry, mom, I can't make the drive and have things to do around my own house." You, on the other hand, need to get comfortable with therapeutic fibs: "Sorry, mom, I'm having an MS flareup and won't be able to help you around the house. It's time we hire a service so that you don't get a violation letter from the town." If she refuses, let her yard go.

You also could stand up to your mother and say "Mom, you made me POA. If you are unhappy with my decision to hire a landscaper for you then I can't continue trying to help you. You seem more concerned about money than about my health and wellbeing."

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. Dementia is hard whether it's diagnosed or not. Your mother's needs are only going to increase. Now, it's the yard, but as her illness progresses, it will be other things - bigger problems - that you will need to solve for her.

It's best that you start getting her used to change and home help sooner rather than later. "Mom, I'm trying to help you to continue living here. I'm doing my best to help you live independently. And if you want me to continue helping you, we will have to work together to make sure it's safe and the house is the way you like it. Do you understand?"

It may not be a bad idea for you and your brother to sit down with your mother together and explain that the both of you are on the same page and in agreement about what you each will and will not do for her going forward.

Fight *Magical Thinking* with Magic 😁 is my newest motto

A Magic Wand - or the *Elves* as gdaughter said - love that!

When faced with lack of reasoning, that's when talk of a Magic Wand (or Elves) may help. We'll just wave that wand & *ZING* the garden will be beautiful! Works for all sorts of other scenarios too.

Maybe you'll get a laugh... Maybe she will backdown & admit she doesn't WANT to pay (or whatever other issue it is) but knows she will HAVE to.

Sometimes it's hard to see WHY the lack of reason. Is it *refusal* ?
personality/ stubbornness? Or is it *inability*?
actual cognitive decline?

Bolliveb, you mentioned un-dx dementia? Is it just the garden, or way way more?

You have a case of "darned if you do and darned if you don't". You may have to remind her that brother lives too far away to "do yardwork" and that you will make appointment for handyman to come and give estimate for the work that needs to be done. I suggest that you work something out with him to be paid extra for the increased yardwork and make it a monthly payment.