What should I do if my mom wants me to quit my job to take care of her?

SueGeo, ah I've been in your shoes. I remember when my Dad asked me to retire from my career to which I asked him if he had quit work to take care of his own parents or my Mom's parents.... he never asked me again. My Mom was also from the old school, that I should be a housewife and not have a career. I had worked too hard to get where I am career wise, I refuse to give it up.

So what to do with your Mom. Make a list of all of the things you do for her, write down everything. Now cross off half the items on the list, now cross off a couple more. And stick to that list. Next time Mom calls for you to help her with something, and it's not on the list, say "I am sorry, I cannot possibly do that". Yes, Mom will grumble, snarl, and throw a tantrum, but she would have anyway.

When our elders need a high level of care [hiring caregivers or moving to senior living] we need to stop enabling them to remain in their homes, if they can afford to move [some can't]. Why should they move, they have us at their beckon call.

I know this is now easy, many of us grown children had to wait for an emergency or two or three before our elderly parents realize they more help then we can give. That is what I had to do with my parents.... [sigh].

DON'T QUIT YOUR JOB. This will only get worse and you would not be able to care for her 24/7 in her home or yours. If she is not willing to have other caregivers, you may be in the position of waiting for an accident and placement. My MIL is now living in a facility due to her Parkinson's advancing and not wanting home health care to come in and help her and FIL. Sad that after 50 years of marriage they are living apart, but a result of THEIR own choices. Yes, I'm typing loudly.
You have a job. You have a husband. You have a life. You can't fix the fact that your mother is older, infirm, and needs help. Did your mother take care of her own parent 24/7? Can she afford help but she only wants YOU? When our parents begin functioning like 3 year olds, we need to establish boundaries and manage them like 3 year olds.
Order groceries online that can be delivered. Order meds that can be delivered in blister packs of dosages (3 pills at 8, 4 at noon, 2 at 6-facilities do it all the time with assisted living). Tell her that Meals on Wheels will deliver in many areas at a small charge so she has less stuffed in fridge. If she cancels caregivers and home improvements but demands that you provide the services, that's both narcissism and probably cognitive decline. If she's always been this way, it's not going to get better.
Meds can help for depression and anxiety. Being accused of being mentally ill for not doing what someone else wants? Not a sign of a healthy mental person either. There are many posts on the site here about dysfunctional parents/families that will eat up caregivers and then keep going on. If mom doesn't want outside help now, she will get it at the hospital, rehab, skilled nursing facility, or nursing home that HER CHOICES put her in. You can't fix her without destroying your own life. Please be mindful.

Let me explain something. Unless mom has signed a HIPAA release, the doctor can't talk to you.

You, however, can share your observations. Write him a bulleted list of mom's decline. Mail it, return receipt, so you know he's gotten it.

Stay away from mom for now. She's not dealing well with getting older, is she? Accepting help seems to be harder for some folks than others.

There will be a crisis, and you'll be in the position of arranging facility care with the discharge planners at the hospital.

Sue, this is a common dilema for caregivers of elderly parents. No disrespect, but your mom sounds like a piece of work. Do we have some dementia going on here?

Don't even consider quitting you job or her living with you or vice versa. It would be a disaster and I think you know that.

My folks are very similar, late 80's, dementia, tons of health issues but refuse any outside help. My mom can still reason pretty well but absolutely refuses to let anyone in her house much less the kitchen.

I can't force them to do anything but eventually a crisis will force the issue for them. It's tough to accept this but it's the reality for many kids of stubborn elders.

Don't take the abuse. Take a step back, detach a little. None of this is your fault and at your age and still working it's totally wrong for parents to expect kids to sacrifice their lives to full time caregiving. Especially when they treat you like crap.

SueGeo, if there were an easy answer to all this you'd already have found it. So when I give you my initial thoughts, I do understand that it's not likely to be this simple.

But. Taking those two examples, the shopping trip and the interior décor session. What would have happened if you'd said "sorry, mother, can't do it. Love you! Talk to you later!" and put the phone down? I.e., just not joined in.

I expect she would have been astonished. And possibly quite shouty, after a stunned silence. But would anything awful have happened, to her or you?

I'd suggest a pre-emptive approach. Given you have a marriage to tend and a job you like, your time must be very limited. Look at your typical weekly schedule and decide what parts of it you are comfortable allotting to your mother. Then get your retaliation in first (!) and tell her you're taking her shopping on (say) Thursday late afternoon, picking her up at her home first and blitzing the fridge while she writes her list. That kind of thing.

The idea is that if you set the pace, a) you can see that the important things get done and b) it'll be harder for her to make random demands of you.

And if, on sober reflection, you can see that work, husband and mother into your time just don't go... well then it becomes about choices and boundaries. That's a bit more advanced.

Thank you both so much for your responses...needless to say I'm wallowing in guilt today because of yesterday's events. It's hard to just decide suddenly that I'm not going to call her...but we've been down this road before. She did this same thing several years back - screaming and yelling - and telling me never to come back (that's been about 35 years ago...now that I think about it)...she always forgets how rude and nasty she was to me over the years - (she moved to another state and I went down there and moved her back to within 3 miles of my home, so I could look after her) and now I'm supposed to be the devoted daughter and run over there and clean and care for her at least 8-10 hours a day -every day - handling her every need.

I think my mistake was six years ago she lived in another state - was taken to the hospital for congestive heart failure and they called me - the only child (my sister, as mentioned is schiziophrenic and lives in a group home - after many years of living with my mother (personally I think my sister was abused - as you could hear the screaming and dictates from outside their home)...you didn't get this food off the dishes!! You are an idiot! You're stupid! Why can't you do as you're told! (this is my mother's m.o. for years - running anyone who's trying to do anything down - abusive and insulting - always superior herself but wouldn't lift a finger to help clean anything - she would cook - but resentfully and reluctantly...but her home was always a mess (I remember from my childhood - when every dish was dirty - the table was filled with dirty dishes, food, the place was always a mess...and nothing has changed in 60 years - she's still a mess - doesn't wash dishes until there are no dishes to use...leaves food all over her apartment - banana peels that are black - eggshells - coffeecups half full of milky coffee - just a mess! And then she says she's so ashamed of the way the place looks - but fires everyone I've sent her way to help. She even had a lady from church last year coming in FOR FREE who cleaned and took her shopping - and my mother picked her apart - criticized her for everything that she did - finally got mad at her because she was 'rushing' her in the grocery store - and told her not to come back!

Sound familiar? So back to expecting me to do it all...and we've ended up the same way - she's very critical of me - You've gained weight! Why don't you wear your hair the same way you used to THEN (a photo of me 30 years ago with 'big hair' ) and more and more insulting - yelling at me to SHUT UP! In front of the lady from the drapery store - again in front of the cashier at Kroger - you don't call me when you go on vacation (my husband is retired and we go to Florida in the winter) spewing and ranting - she resents my life in general - the fact that I have a good marriage (she never did) the fact that I have a successful career, a beautiful clean home and have worked all my life for those things - and saved for them. She quit working at 39 because she just couldn't cut it...never saved any money and basically isolated herself from everyone - even accusing my stepfather of trying to kill her (not likely)...it's just been a lifetime of crazy...

At any rate, you're right...I can't fix a lifetime of this kind of behavior...tried to talk to her doctor...but no return phone calls...I guess I'll just wait until the next time they call me from the hospital or wherever she gets taken to - to tell them to get her into a facility where she can get some help - because as she told me 'she needn't have bothered having a daughter if I was going to be so useless' ... rarely does she ever say the simple words - 'thank you' ... for anything. And it doesn't matter who or what you've done - my son, who is also very busy with his own life (works 3 jobs) was helping out with her groceries - says the same - she never thanks him for his efforts...nothing. She's told me she DOES NOT WANT him to shop for her, because he makes mistakes...she can't understand why I will not do all of her shopping, etc. I tried to explain to her that he's trying to help me out..but she can't won't listen.

I guess it's a moot point now...we're not going back over there (she's told us both not to come back)...I for one am going to follow her direction - and just stay away...I can't take much more of her caustic comments, belittling and accusing...I, like so many others, need a few positive comments (which I get from work, friends, etc)...and less of this dysfunctional parent.

Dear Sue; Thanks for the background information on your mother's history.

You do realize that this is mental illness, don't you?

Arranging care for elders is NEVER easy (I have a sweetheart of a mom, and the last 5 years or so have been H*LL; there's always a crisis brewing somewhere).

But the situation with your mom is different. She has a lifetime of mental dysfunction. And perhaps some dementia atop that. Neither of these things is your fault or hers, but it does make the whole scenario more fraught.

You're right, there will be a crisis; mom will end up in the hospital and then possibly in an inpatient psych facility to get her stable on meds. And then to either a NH or AL, depending upon her level of need.

SueGeo, you are on the right path now. Stay away from your mother, as you have been ordered to do.

My mother is like yours, in some ways. Perhaps not as bad. But I spend as little time around her as possible. She demeans me. My mother is getting to the point where she can't live alone, but never gets around to even hiring a cleaning service. I am her taxi service (to church, medical appts. and ONE shopping trip/week). She squawked about my one-shopping-trip/week rule at first.

I know her feelings about me, and have to say that they have determined my feelings towards her. We don't have a good relationship, and I really wish (magical thinking) that she would live near one of my brothers instead of 2 miles from me.

Sue, reading about dysfunctional families like yours makes me very sad. I want to repeat what others have said: This is Not Your Fault. The guilt that you feel today is unearned.

Your mother is mentally ill, and probably has been all of her adult life. Your mother's treatment of you (and your sister) was/is abusive. I have a lot of sympathy for people with mental illness, but I also firmly believe that no adult should put up with abuse. Enabling abuse by accepting it is harmful to both the abuser and the abused.

Therapist Pauline Boss, a very insightful author, has this to say about the subject:

"If there was incest, abuse, or abandonment, you may want to give up on the relationship altogether.

Taking care of someone who years before was abusive or neglectful of you is beyond what is expected of you. Caring for a family member who was or is physically or psychologically abusive in dangerous. Feeling as if you want to retaliate is also dangerous. These are justifiable reasons for NOT being a caregiver."

Dr. Boss goes on to say that it might make you feel better if instead of totally abandoning the family member you arrange for his care by other people, such as in a care center. You have tried very hard to arrange care for your abusive parent, Sue. I think you've done all you can do.

Perhaps someday it will make sense for you to have limited involvement in your mother's life -- visiting her at a care center, for example. But for right now I think it best that you do as she claims she wants -- leave her alone.

When she has these... episodes, I suppose, you'd call them? How long do they usually take to burn themselves out?

SueGeo, please search on this website for "daughters of narcissists". Read any one of the threads you wish. You are not alone. Please feel free to join us on the Dysfunctional discussion thread. You are not alone. Your mother needs help, but it is not required that help be given by you and only you at levels that will destroy you in the end. My MIL is finally going to assisted living because her 24/7 care without allowing any home health assistance was killing her husband/my FIL. She wanted her daughters in law to volunteer to care for her in ways she never cared for her own parents or in-laws. Not as bad as yours, but fully convinced that her own needs trump my autistic son's, my husband's job, my husband's own health needs, me as 2 time breast cancer survivor, BIL with sarcoidisis or her husband with end stage COPD and stroke survivor. One of my fave examples is MIL insisting that FIL drive them home when he was obviously having some neurological event with unable to see WHILE DRIVING, not talk, running stop signs, because MIL didn't want to drive FIL's truck. Or call EMT's. She had him drive home, get in her car, and drove him to hospital she liked (not the stroke certified one farther away) rather than stop and call ambulance and pay the charge. And both hubs and his brother refused to see cognitive impairment to this day. Narcissists won't change - they don't see a reason to. And mental illness untreated will consume you. If you do want to help, you could report her to APS as a vulnerable adult; but it's possible that they will leave her to her own bad decisions as long as she is competent. Sorry you too are going through this.

I agree, wait till she ends up in the hospital again. Have her evaluated. There r some places that can keep them for 72hrs for observation. Write down how she lives. Maybe have your Office of Aging document this for you. Explain, that you are unable to care for her. If they feel she can't be alone, have them see if they can help u find a facility. If Mom has no money, the facility can help u with Medicaid. My Mom is in a NH and alot of my stress is gone. Just getting ready to allow them to wash Moms clothes. I have been doing it. Once Medicaid approved the facility has handled setting her up for hospitalization, dental, vision, ect. No more worrying about meds or buying personnal products. No doctor appts., they r onsite. She is fed and clean. There r meds the doctor can prescribe if Mom gets agitated. Then all u need to do is visit...when u want. I go everyother day. If Ur Mom gets abusive, walk out. Just say "Mom, I don't need to take this abuse" Don't allow her a phone. Tell the nurse ur only to be called if an emergency.

Hi SueGeo 8 weeks ago today I was yelled out of my parents home by my Dad in front of my husband & mother. After helping them both 3/4/5/6 times a week, taking them to appts, shopping etc. They'd been having my help for a year or so. I've seen them 3 times now in 8 weeks - to take my kids/dog to visit them for an hour at the weekend. My Dad gives us all the silent treatment at these visits, yet when my husband now takes him to appts he's pleasantness personified! I'm the cause of the silent treatment - had it many times through my life. But now I couldn't careless. 8 weeks ago I was hurting but now after much soul searching/research & this great forum I've realised he is a narcissist. & I "think" my Mum is co-dependent?? Never goes against him & never sticks up for me & my brother, we grew up that way. In all those 8 weeks Mum has not called me once, I've called them a couple of times to say hello etc but it's been awkward, so I don't bother to call now. Like a lot of people here I'm just waiting for that phone call to say a "crisis" has happened. Being on this forum is also like having a little therapy session.

It never ceases to amaze me how shockingly ungrateful, even abusive, elderly parents can be even after they become dependent upon us for help. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you! I'm angry and offended on your behalf!

As others have said above, don't quit your job. Quit your mother if you need to, but not your job, not anything that is a source of enjoyment and sustenance for you. Needless to say, you mother does not have your best interests at heart. Maybe she's too disturbed to even think about anyone's interests but her own. Nonetheless, you have the right and obligation to take care of your own needs first and hers second, if at all. If you can continue to assist her without it being toxic for you, then by all means do so. But don't let her bully and manipulate you into acting against your own interests. It's your life, first and foremost. You don't owe this to her.

Countrymouse, my mother has had some of these episodes that have lasted several years - then she 'blames' me for not calling her - really? After the screaming and insults to GET OUT! DON'T COME BACK and other hateful words - why would I call her? It was for the best for her and her then husband to move to the south - for 'retirement' - things there were the same as they were here (where we all lived not too far apart for over 20 years) Her home was filthy, in a state of disarray and always a mess. My step-father and sister put up with it and tried to do their best but whenever I visited it was just that way - a mess. She always blamed others for her issues - her being fat (over 300 pounds) because of my bad marriage and taking care of mentally ill people (sister has schizophrenia, step-father - not sure what he had (never dx by a doctor to my knowledge, but she browbeat him and was mean/cruel to him as a retaliation for him going to work every day and having 'associates' at work that he'd talk to or mention (that soon turned into 'he was having an affair with a man at work' to quote her. She never had proof of that...but she firmly believed it! They'd fight and argue and she'd pick at him until he would fight back - oh what fun. That lasted 29 years and finally they separated - and then she was alone - in another state - moving from place to place until she finally landed in an apartment - she seemed to do very well at first - liking and making new friends - but soon the trouble started - someone would say something or look the wrong way - or infringe on her 'space' in some way - parking in her spot or walking on her lawn (in an apt complex) you really don't have any personal space to my knowledge...she'd start to resent the neighbors and sit in her apt watching them come and go - and spinning up tales about them. She'd tell me the neighbor lady was having an affair with her grown son - because her son lived with her - preposterous! He had a girlfriend...

Oh well...I regress. This is a lifelong pattern with her - conjuring up bad things about people she doesn't even know - she's done exactly the same thing with her neighbors where she's at now - in her apartment - sits and watches the neighbors come and go - this one is crazy - that one is a liar; the other one's children come to see her EVERY DAY - but not her daughter - who is worthless and doesn't help her own mother...

OMG, if I had a nickel for every time she's said that, I'd be a millionaire!

I will take your advice and stay away - until she calls me or until someone from a healthcare concern (ER, Hospital, etc.) calls me - and then I'll advise them of the situation. I have gotten my mother to sign HIPAA paperwork that allows her doc to discuss her care with me - but still my phone calls went unanswered.

Her mental status declined sharply around February this year when she said she had a UTI - was given an Rx for Bactrim and it made her sick. She felt like she was having some kind of strange experience - couldn't remember anything and couldn't carry on a conversation with me on the phone - not sure what was going on - the doctor went there and sat with her - and told her she'd be okay - apparently it wasn't a stroke or any type of life threatening reaction, but she keeps telling me and everyone else who will listen that the medication she was taking 'blew out her mind' - I tend to agree. Something happened at that time that caused her mental status to decline and now she's fearful and angry and confused; has trouble remembering anything except the past...and her tolerance of me and anyone else trying to help has diminished.

I want to express my deep appreciation for this group - for your kind words. Knowing there are others who are going through a similar situation (some worse, some better) has been helpful. I was able to get through the day - but barely a minute went by that I didn't think or worry about my mother - I hope she's okay. I've done everything I can for her - but I refuse to be a victim of her abusive behavior. When she's ready I'm hoping she'll call a caregiver - she certainly has enough cards and brochures from all the previous organizations I've contacted to come and help her (Home Instead, Caring Hearts, Right at Home) She's aware of Visiting Angels but I've not contacted them - and various independent ladies who she dismissed for one reason or another because she just couldn't stand them being in her home - some moved too fast, others too slowly; one scrubbed on her toaster with a brillo pad and scratched it...she had told me about that every time I've been there since it happened (about 8 months ago)...I finally ordered a new toaster for her...it's sitting there in the box - she won't open it until she gets rid of the moths (an occurrence that was due to storing bird seed in her coat closet that was infested with moths) - I took all her coats to the dry cleaners and hired a lovely quiet lady who came in and scrubbed the walls, floors, vacuumed, cleaned until there were no more moths - and now they're back! I told her to call apartment management and have them come and spray for bugs - she has moths because they're feeding on all the crumbs and food debris she has all over the place - banana peels, egg shells, coffeegrounds (these are being saved for the compost - in a tiny strip of land just in front of her deck, there's just enough soil for a few flowers - now all sunflowers which she cannot take care of)...but she insists on saving all the compostable items to add to the soil - which I believe will draw unwanted pests; everyone in the complex received a letter last year informing them not to feed birds, animals of any kind because they're getting into the roofs...and it goes on and on...

Bless you all for being there and listening to me...thank you for your kind words and thoughts.

I'm not saying I don't agree that you should stay away if that's best for you, I do agree that you really do need to protect yourself. But I think you can dismiss her "get out of my house" instruction: I doubt if there is any substantial intention in much of what she says - it's a sort of combined dramatic effect and stream of consciousness that she seems to be producing. Hence her blaming you for the loss of contact (not to mention her extraordinarily creative view of her neighbours). She's not lying; it's more that there never was any meaning, any reasoning going on. So she doesn't get why would you have taken her so literally, as I expect she sees it.

So if you're worried and want to get in touch, don't wait for her to contact you, just carry on regardless.

Um. She is completely barking, no? You can't get anyone to consider forcing a mental status assessment on her?

Oh, and one last thing - I'm a kidney cancer survivor, have recovered from tachycardia which required cardiac catheterization and an ablation and many bouts of skin cancers (fortunately all are removed and I go in for checks regularly) - my mom has never had cancer (blames my father's side of the family for those genetics, but forgets that her father had prostate cancer; her brother's daughter had a rhabdomyosarcoma and died around age 3 or 4. No diabetes or other serious illness until about 6 years ago - due to her weight and lack of exercise and poor eating habits developed congestive heart failure. Her mental issues have been lifelong -and she threatens me constantly by saying 'I've never been in such a mess (really? - seems to me that you've always been in this mess)-I'm going to have a nervous breakdown and then you'll have to take me to the psychiatric hospital - (again? She's been there, done that already)...constantly waving and flapping about her nerves, depression, and loneliness - but all activities that I suggest (how about going to the Senior Center? How about calling the People's Bus and just going shopping? How about going to church?)..most or all of my suggestions are met with, 'well I didn't get anything done today to clean up this mess' so I can't go anywhere until this mess is cleaned up - but it's never cleaned up because she doesn't feel like cleaning it up...

I reminded her recently that her apartment down South was a nightmare - with clothes piled so high in front of the closet door that you couldn't even get the door open! Everything was filthy; clothing mixed up - clean and dirty - floors covered with debris; every surface of the kitchen was filled with empty jars, dishes - both clean and dirty; old food in pots and sitting around here and there; a bucket sitting on the kitchen floor filled with coffeegrounds, eggshells and old food - for the compost (in an apartment again - where it's not welcomed to be putting out rotting decomposing food)...I cleaned that apartment for days - before moving her into assisted living - and finally just got enough of her stuff out to make her comfortable - her clothing and personal items - and locked the door. I had worked for days to remove personal paperwork that had stacked up for years - so that I could safely dispose of it - bags and bags and bags of paperwork. Every medical receipt, every EOB, every piece of paper that had ever come in...was still in that apartment.

Today her apartment is essentially the same kind of mess...and there's no hope for getting it cleaned up..because I refuse to go over there on a daily basis and clean it for her...things have returned to the old normal...Last Summer I had two surgeries and didn't feel like much - for the entire Summer...and am just now starting to feel human again and have tried to help her...and you've heard the rest of the story. I will try to take care of myself (exercise, proper eating) and take care of my home, husband, son and pets - and all the other stuff that comes with life - while I work fulltime - at my job I love and hope to keep until I get too old to do it...hope that's a long time away.

Agree with CM on this. She's seriously mentally ill. She's also going to get evicted for attracting vermin. Does management have your number?

I don't know why the doc isn't getting back to you if the HIPAA paperwork is on file. I'd send him a written dossier and ask if he's considered an inpatient assessment of her mental health.

BarbBrooklyn, I decided to take your advice and write something up with the intentions of sending it to my mother's doctor...it turned into 8 pages. I doubt that he's going to read all of these details. It's very hard to encapsulate all of my mom's issues into a succinct report that a busy doc is going to read. How, oh how, do I detach from this thing emotionally and make bullet points about her inability to care for herself and her rage toward me, my sister (in the past - who has estranged herself from my mother); other relatives, neighbors, previous caregivers, even people from the church. It's all just gushing out into this 'note to the doctor'! I need an editor! Ideas/suggestions for creating a concise, yet informational note to the doctor?

SueGeo, you are very articulate and a good writer. I'm sure you can do a bullet list for a busy doctor.

Sit with your 8 pages and a colored pencil (if this is printed out, or do it online). On the first pass through, take out all the details that frustrate you but which are not necessarily signs of mental illness. For example, she blames your father's genes for you getting cancer. While I agree that is crazy, it is not certifiable, if you see what I mean.

Then go through again, and take out all the mentions of problems in the past. What she did in her previous home could be a supporting detail, but not a main point.

Are you ready for a third round? After having read and re-read this, what are the main points a doctor should know? Maybe something like this: (Just an example ... you'll do better)

I am concerned about my mother's mental health, for the following reasons:

1) Mother needs help with activities of daily living and she refuses to accept any paid help.
2) Escalating anger, making scenes in public
3) She frequently imagines sexual scandals on no basis
4) She is living in unsanitary conditions

After you've settled on the main points, add BRIEF details, picking not necessarily the details that are most annoying, but the ones that seem most related to mental decline.

Keep in under a page if at all possible, and in bullet points, not paragraphs.

I think this is worth doing, and an evaluation by her PCP would be worthwhile. Perhaps some aspects of her problems (such as depression) could be helped with medical intervention.

On the other hand, this has been a life-long problem. Your mother is and has been mentally ill. Unfortunately, there is no cure or treatment program for npd.

The fixable problem, in my mind, is totally under your control. You need to detach from this sick person -- emotionally and not just physically. And after a lifetime of this dysfunctional relationship I suspect you are going to need guidance and support to do this. See a therapist who has specific experience with children of narcissists.

She wants you to quite your job. Don't quit your job. Don't discuss it. Hang up or leave if she persists talking about it. She wants a ride to the grocery store. Say, "No. Wait until your fridge is clean." Just because she has crazy ideas doesn't mean you have to go along with them.

I think a period of physical detachment is a good idea, too. Perhaps after some counseling you'll be in a better position to visit her without being emotionally exhausted by it.

And keep reminding yourself -- this is Not Your Fault.

I am going to address just one small issue here, with you quitting your job, and your health issues. My Mom also says this to me sometimes, as she lives with hubs and I. Hubs lost his job 2 years ago, and as we have a large property and another to look after it made sense for him to stay home and do that, and look after mom.. instead of hiring someone ( which she would balk at ). I need the dang heath Insurance!! I have the bigger paycheck. but the cost of health care is the deciding factor in my house! Mom could afford to pay me,,, but the cost of health insurance would be awful.. we are only 58 and 60,, a few more years until we qualify for aid. And I want to bump up our retirement and SS as long as I can. Plus I love my job!!

Thanks for your suggestions on the bullet points! Great ideas there. I will definitely work on my dissertation and extract only the pertinent points - no physician is going to read past the first 5 lines. (I know, I work for a busy neurosurgeon, and he's told me he has about that much attention...and the rest is just 'noise'. Better say it clearly, concisely and get the point quickly with this message - otherwise it'll be lost.

I also agree with pamz - I love my job; need the health insurance benefits for my husband and I; am building up my retirement fund so that I won't be a pauper in my golden years; and I'd like to hold off on SS as long as possible to obtain max benefits. My job is challenging enough to keep me interested and keep my mind active. Even though I'll be 64 next month - I'm no where ready to throw in the towel! It's the best job I've ever had - the people I work with are great - the work is interesting - and best of all - I get to work from the comfort of my home. That being said, though, it does require me to be AT HOME for the majority of the day. I have a lot of flexibility but don't want to take advantage of my employers generosity (in allowing me to work from home) or abuse the privilege. There's also a directive in our organization's SPG - no employee shall be allowed to work from home where there are small children or elderly people are present who require the employee's time/attention. In other words if you're working from home, you'd better be working - not attending to the needs of others. I can toss in a load of laundry or put something in the oven for dinner; but I have to remain focused on my work and available to my managers when/if they want to discuss or work on a project. All of my work is project based fortunately, so I get paid on a salary and not hourly...but getting the projects done on time and accurately is the ultimate goal.

Too many outings with mom or assuming responsibilities involving her care would negate the arrangement I made with my employer - so as it stands, I'm choosing my job over my mom's care. And you're right - with my job I feel appreciated, valued and am well compensated for my efforts. With my mother I feel demeaned, unappreciated and downright resentful of her preposterous assumptions (about other people) and the mess that she considers the 'norm'. I get nervous visiting her because it smells bad, it's filthy and in a state of disarray and disorganization from one end to the other - I feel compelled to clean, wash dishes, vacuum, take out trash rather than sitting there visiting with her...

So I guess, for now since she hasn't called me and I haven't called her...we're going to maintain some distance. I really can't take any more of her caustic comments now anyway.

My hope is that she will reach out to one of the many care organizations that she's had in the past to see if one of them can be persuaded to return to her home to help her. Talk about burning bridges - she usually leaves them with such a poor impression of her - with her complaints and that overwhelming mess she makes - that I'd be embarrassed to call any of them if it were me.

I'll contact the doctor with my abbreviated comments via their email patient portal. Hopefully it'll result in some action on his part. I'll keep you posted.

SORRY- I know that she is your actual Mother, but personally I would treat her exactly like any other certifiable lunatic. The woman is clearly nuts, off the scale....do yourself, and your husband a big, fat favour, and just forget that you know her. Personally, I would. There is no justification for maintaining any kind of relationship with this person, whether it be for feelings of filial duty, guilt, or whatever......scrub round it- go to the cinema, eat chocolate, and GET A LIFE. This comes to you with love from someone you don't even know. TRUDI GRAY

I have a mother who is 90 and still lives independently with my help two days a week. She is very similar to yours, and expects me to wait on her hand and foot (I'm 61). About 15 years ago, I realized the extent of her manipulation that stemmed back to my childhood, and put myself and my family first.
I work from home and love my job, and even though my mother thinks that means I have more time for her, I do not. My husband retired 3 years ago and we also help take care of our 3 year old grandson, which we love to do!
Slowly but surely, you need to establish boundaries with your mother and keep your priorities strong. Don't allow her unreasonable demands and demeaning comments to take over your life.
My mother didn't like it when I finally stood up to her and established and kept my boundaries. But she realized that as her only child I'm all she has and now allows a trusted family friend to take her out in addition to what I do for her. I have also had many private meetings with her doctor for the day when I need his assistance to allow in more skilled help. She could have that help now, but she's stubborn, so she has to live with her decisions, which I remind her are hers and hers alone.
Whenever she tries to guilt me into more care, I remind her of all of her options, and that I am doing what I can do to help her. I love her dearly, but if I allowed her to, she would take over my life with total disregard for anyone else. Each situation is different and difficult in its own ways, and I wish you the best!

Guilt plays a huge role when we want to help our parents. My sister and I got to a stage where we felt will do and make sure my dad has everything he needs and is super comfortable and that's kind of it. Entertainment was limited due to the fact that I thought when you reach the 80's, surely its been a full life and comfort more than anything is more important. Ii's still a tough decision to make, and once they're gone, we feel we could have done more, but it is just like that. It just is, no matter how much you've done. Good luck.

I sidestepped the doctors and called a local mental health agency and got my mother there for evaluation. Most cities have places you can call if you feel you have an emergency. All you have to say is that you think she may hurt someone, including herself. My mother has suffered from mental illness all of my life. It was getting progressively worses to the point that I would pick her up from AL and she would have a scarf over her head telling me she was an India Princess for the day. Cue forward 5 months - we found the right medication, given in the form of injection once a month and mother no longer insults me or acts like she is someone else. AND she is compliant. Just a suggestion. Also, I totally agree with the other fabulous advice you have been given. Do not quit your job or put your mother first. Do not feel guilt. Good luck and God Bless!

My mother will be back from rehab on Wednesday and will be back to living with my husband and I in our small condo and if things are not going better once she gets here, she will be going into some sort of living arrangement which will be determined once I see how things are going. I know her idea is for me to quit my job and care for her, however that is just not going to happen. I need it just to keep the little sanity I have left, not to mention my money is necessary for some of her care as every little bit is going toward my father's care until I can get to the point of selling their home.

I hate to think of my mother as a narcissist, however there were so many things that could have been prevented before all of this happened. She ran herself down as caregiver to my father who has dementia and would take no suggestions from anyone before everything hit the fan. It's left me very confused and for lack of a better word, angry. I'm now expected to walk in and correct all of the stuff that's going on....the problem is just so big that I really just want to run away! Throw in her criticisms of me (her only concerns seem to be about my brother) and all that she feels that I've done wrong, starting with moving into a condo which we did for our own sanity as every day for the past seven years had us running here and there and we couldn't do anything for our own home. She finds things that it almost seems she wishes I had-IE she has bad veins in her legs and she's looking at mine, which are fine and telling me I have broken down ones....one of many picks. I'm so very tired of this crap!. So I say to you, do NOT quit! You aren't going to help the situation for yourself in the long run. All it will do is cause more frustration for you. My mother has been depressed the majority of her life....never wanted to face realities. Funny, I'm the one doing that now.

With all due respect, at this point in time, I don't think it's "up" to your mother weather she wants to go into assisted living or not. If these types of things keep happening, it's best that, that's where she goes. I take care of my 85 year old mother (so I can't work). I have "5" other siblings, but she wanted to live with me, besides the fact that none of them offered to take care of her. So if I can't work, she pays me every month. It's still very, very hard because it's a 24/7 job in and of itself.

SueGeo--

Don't quit your job! I hope you walk away from this mess and let the chips fall where they may. She's done this to herself. Protect yourself. Sorry you are going through this but glad you made a great life for yourself despite a nut parent.

I say get over the GUILT! There is no place in your life for guilt...which by definition means you've done something wrong. You also need a therapist to talk to and sort things out. Yes, venting here is helpful and you've gotten good advice. But after living with this mother of yours in such abusive conditions, there's more that needs doing from a professional. Priority is you...she's shown you who she is, made her choices and set HER boundaries. Now you set yours. She needs medication management but don't see how that will happen. Sad really but there it is. Just because she's a blood relative doesn't mean you need to "go on a picnic and have potato salad with her"...to quote something Oprah said once about forgiving people. Give her a list of agencies, grocery stores that deliver, pharmacies that deliver and move away from the anger, abuse and spewing of mean verbiage. Tell her you don't have time and mean it.