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My father is 79 and has health issues (heart, limited walking, congestive heart failure). My mother is 69 and has given up on taking care of my dad. He's still fairly independent, but has become incontinent. He makes a mess in the bathroom, his pants are always wet or smells like urine. My Mom says she tried to get him into adult undergartments but he refuses. He says he doesn't have a problem. He is getting hard of hearing, and I think his mind is starting to slowly go. He frequently forgets to shut the bathroom door, or the bedroom door when he's changing. He has been caught walking around the house with his pants unzipped and "hanging" out. My kids go to their house after school, so this is becoming an big issue. My mother has gotten fed up with his uncleanlines, and his forgetfulness and it comes out in her demeanor towards him and how she talks to him. I think my dad has decided he can't make her happy so why try and even goes out of his way to ignore her requests such as changing urine smelling clothes. He even told me that he doesnt' care what people think anymore and shouldn't have to at his age. My mother informed me that since he won't listen to her anymore and she's tired of trying (she thinks he's just lazy and a bum and believes he can control his bladder if he wants to), and that it's up to me and my brother to handle him now. I don't know what to do. I know my brother (who lives with them) won't do anything. He just complains about dad behind his back. I feel bad for my dad but don't know what I can do to help him or my Mom. He won't listen to me either, and will just accuse me of being controlling like my mother. I feel bad for him because of how my mother talks to him. But I know he brings some of it on himself. And even if I tried to step in, I know my Mom would have her own agenda on how I should handle things despite the fact she says she doesn't want to deal with him anymore. I just feel that i'm stuck between an rock and a hard place at the moment. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

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You ARE between a rock and a hard place, and unfortunately, I think there's a big shovel pushing you in harder.

I would avoid getting caught in the middle. It's really not your responsibility to care for your uncooperative father.

Look at the facts: Moms has given up on taking care of him and wants to push it off onto her daughter. Your brother doesn't seem to be of any help. Your father seems to be going out of his way to be uncooperative and offensive.

Why, why, why would you want to step into such a situation?

I would counter with a proposal that Dad find someplace else to live if he can't abide by the terms of Mom's home. Unfortunately, these are costly, but it seems he's ruining your mother's life and is determined to be obnoxious and unclean.

You could consider calling APS to help get him out of the house, and for your mother's protection, but they may not intervene.

This must be very painful for you since this is your family, but I don't see any way that stepping in to be the surrogate dart board would in any help you or the situation. In fact, it will likely ruin your life - you'll be caught between 3 people who thus far haven't been able to solve the situation. Do they think you have magic wand?

If you feel comfortable saying this, tell your mother that you just can't accept any responsibility for caring for him under the circumstances and that you feel he needs professional help.

If you make suggestions on alternative living arrangements, either your mother, father or brother could then verbally attack you for being an uncooperative daughter. If that happens, walk out, hang up the phone and stay away.

You do have to protect yourself against what has become a very bad situation.
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Your mother does need back up, fair enough. But not from you: that would not be fair.

It also wouldn't work. Self neglect, giving up on his normal habits, apathy and indifference: these are all pretty major symptoms that want reporting to his doctor. At 79 he is a candidate for a number of conditions that could be contributing to his declining mental state, and I'm not even going to have a go at guessing. What your mother, brother, you and any other family members you can get on board need to do is present a united front and get him to a geriatrician for a thorough overhaul. Everybody is suffering, nobody is to blame - what have you got to lose by trying?

I expect he'll refuse to go, right? At that point you call the geriatrician yourself and explain the family's concerns. The geriatrician will then be able to advise you on possible ways forward, and you can take it from there.

But don't get sucked in to trying to solve this yourself. You can't.

Best of luck, please keep us posted.
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Here's an objective observation of your family situation:
• Your mom has a demented, incontinent, uncooperative spouse, an adult son living with her as a child (I assume, since he's not participating in caring for your dad), and grandchildren she babysits 5 days a week. She is more than overwhelmed and sounds like she's about ready to throw in the towel. Keep in mind that often it's the caregiver who dies first in an elderly couple. It's just too much.
• You work full time, have a sibling who is not willing/able to partner with you in addressing your father's need for care and your mother's need for help.

Unless your dad was always inconsiderate of others and lacking in normal hygiene habits, he is almost certainly suffering from dementia. His care is too much for your mom, your brother will unlikely be willing to be pressed into service, and unless you're wealthy enough to quit your job, you are unavailable to step in.

Sit down with your mom and take a look at their finances. Can they afford assisted living? Whether she moves in with him or he moves alone, it would be pretty much solve all their problems. Dad is unlikely willing to go, but if they can afford it and you and mom are on board, "it's all over but the shouting." If they can't afford it, then it's time to consider a home health aide to at least take away some of the burden for care. Usually there are county programs that fund home care for seniors.

Also, get mom and dad to an elder care attorney. If dad is in good physical health and is already requiring pretty extensive care, there's a good possibility that he'll need a nursing him at some point and your mom will need to be protected if they don't have enough money for private pay and your dad needs Medicaid.
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It's time for the professionals to take over. Don't put yourself in a VERY bad situation it will only make things worse. Trust me, I know. Best of Luck....
Anksana
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I think you should get involved -- to the extent that ALL 3 OF YOU (you, your mother, and brother) should be figuring this out. It sounds like he has some form of dementia, which will only get worse as time goes on. Dementia affects everyone differently and it appears he most likely can no longer control himself and needs some help. He doesn't need people blaming him for something he truly can't control. Your mother is overwhelmed with what is going on with her husband; add to that a son living there who isn't helping and then taking care of your kids after school, well it is becoming just too much for her to handle alone. And I'm sure she does feel alone because she is being everything to everyone else. Like it or not, her role is changing to caregiver of her husband. The sooner you all accept that, the sooner you all will be able to deal with it. Don't take on the responsibility, but your brother & you need to step up and take away not add to your parents' stress. Yes, both your parents are stressed.

As a parent, you also have a responsibility to your children. Sounds like it is time to find different after-school care for them. Your mother might balk at this (as I am sure you will, too), saying she enjoys them, etc. Yet your children can visit with both of them numerous times during the week ... and perhaps help, thus learning a valuable lesson in the process.

I saw this same situation play out with my mother in law and her own mother who came to live with her as she became more frail. My MIL was watching 4 granddaughters (none of them my children) before and after school. The stress of taking care of those girls and her own mother became too much for her and she d*mn near had a nervous breakdown. She ended up putting her mother in a nursing home, continuing the care of her granddaughters. To this day, 10 years late, she regrets that decision. She says now she wishes she had told her daughters to find elsewhere care for their daughters so that she could focus on what needed to be done for her mother. She felt torn and totally stressed.
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Caregiving is not an easy job. It is very stressful. If you choose to peruse outside assistance for your dad, be careful who you choose. I had home care assistance for my parents and it was a free for all for thieves. My dad was home with mom at the time and couldn't keep an eye on them all the time due to his failing mobility. The police even intervened a few times for items of value had gone missing. You can't install a Nanny cam because home support can refuse service. I had one and was ordered to have it removed.
Just be VERY careful. Interview as many as you can to get the right one. Check references thoroughly. No stone left unturned.
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One person who answered your question suggested assisted living. After having worked in one for 10 years, it wouldn't work for your dad with his incontinence. Especially if he refuses to wear incontinence briefs. Mom is frustrated and says he is doing this on purpose. She is in denial. She is watching the man she loves slip away. She has too much on her hands to watch the children. You need to make other arrangements. Dad needs to be screened for dementia. Call the doctor NOW about your concerns. And as for your brother, I could write a book, I'll just say this. He needs a healthy dose of stepping up to the plate and being a man. He is living there and not helping your mom. It would be either or at my house. He needs to pitch in or be shown the door. This is way too much for you to take on. Call the doc and the health dept in your area. A case manager needs to screen him. Get going. You can do this
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Reading over the answers after I posted, I realized I missed a critical point, that your mother is apparently taking care of your children after school.

I agree with others that this needs to change. She's already under enough stress without being a child sitter as well.

And it wouldn't be appropriate to deny care for your father and help out your mother if you still expect herto babysit for your kids. No wonder she's at her wit's end.
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Given the heart failure and limited mobility, vascular dementia would certainly need to be excluded; but depression is also high on the list. Don't cross bridges before you get to them: get him assessed as soon as possible.

And don't blame your mum for being mean to him. I'm surprised she hasn't turned in to Cruella de Vil by now (though it has still Got To Stop).
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My Dad has issues with being incontinent every now and then. He says that items like Depends are for old people, thus that tells me he is in denial about his age. Whenever he does have a mishap, my Mother makes sure he helps her clean it up. I think some men are so use to their wife, or another female in the household, cleaning everything up they just walk away from their own messes. Give him a roll of paper towels and some cleaner. Then he might find doing all that cleaning is more work then wearing Depends.

As for shutting the bathroom door, oh gosh, my parents have been doing that for as long as I can remember, probably since I had left home 40 years ago. It's just a bad habit.

Maybe your Dad is acting out because he feels that no one is listening to him. Maybe it is time to say "hey Dad, what do YOU want to do?".
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Your Mother does need help but you may not be the best person to give it to her. Your life would never be the same if you step in and once you are in those shoes they are very hard to take off. You can make some phone calls and internet studies of elder care. Your Father should be seen by a neurologist for dementia but that is easier said than done if he is not cooperative. Just a thought - if she is taking care of children and he is exposing himself (intentionally or not) the police may become involved also. Do what you can but protect yourself or they will eat you whole.
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Your mother is losing her life partner and gaining a dependent. This is one of the hardest transitions a married person can face. On top of the emotional upheaval there is lots of extra work involved. And it sounds like she is in denial, which sometimes is a valid coping mechanism but in this case is making matters worse.

What can you do?

1. Encourage (perhaps arrange) a thorough physical for Father. If he is referred to a specialist, see that he goes.
2. Help Mother accept the reality of your dad's condition - once you know what it is.
3. Make a different after-school arrangement for your children.
4. I don't know what your brother's situation is. I don't think it is up to you to change it. But if you can help get him onboard with facing Dad's reality that would be a good help.

Get involved. He is your father, and your mother can't handle this anymore on her own. I DON'T mean take over his caregiving. Just help your family find options that offer some improvement. Support Mom without supporting her negative attitudes.

This is not easy for any of you. Get help. Start with Dad's doctor.
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The vow is till death do us part, not until you become difficult. I think mom needs help, from professionals, and it is appropriate that you contribute, by providing respite, maybe helping financially, if needed.
It is not fair to give up and pass the hit potato.
Make sure mom has LTC, it may not be too late for that.
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The one thing you can so immediately, find alternative after school care for your children. They should not be exposed to this, and it would take a stressor off mom
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There are alot of issues going on...

Incontinence is a hard one, but they do have shields that go in the front of the underwear, so it is not a diaper per say or an old fashioned style old persons diaper set up, that had to be changed by anther person...so much for self-independence.

There is something amiss, he doesn't know what he is doing or his mind doesn't know what it is missing...it is part of a SW professional duty to help.

Senior abuse hotline also known as Catholic Charities here in Illinois made a mess of our predicament and basically forced us to have to go to court and it is still a mess...

This is an "if" scenario, if/when your father is next hospitalized...this is one way to get access to the hospital (professional) social workers (who are not disguised as wolves in sheep's clothing) who can help you (when your father is ready to be discharged) find/get alternative placements, one could be a rehab nursing unit...where let's say he could be evaluated... for several issues.

If you have children, I would not advise getting involved as a caregiver.



Takes any guilt off of you and Mom, but you might still have to deal with finding a new baby sitter
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This question should be asked.Would you allow your children to go to an after school caregiver who had an elderly man in the house who walked around "with it all hanging out" Somewhere in there sexual abuse would come into the picture.. job1 is find alternate care for the kids. job 2 is get mom to the Dr and find out what is behind her disgust for her husband, hubby may be demented but some aspects of his careless behavoiur are manipulative. After all that Grpa can be evaluated and if necessary placed in residential care if Gma is still not prepared to give him the care he needs. These two have been married for many years and this may be the final straw in a difficult relationship. Gma is only 69 and as long as she is menally alert she should be taking care of their affairs even if she is currently under stress and needs support. Get the kids out of the equation and then help Gma deal withe rest
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Sounds like your family needs some counseling. An objective outsider can often deal with difficult people when family members cannot. I like the idea to start with Dad's doctor. Find a reputable family counselor and see if you can all work together to take some of the pressure off of Mom - and possibly get Dad to behave.
The undressing and hanging out thing really troubles me especially with children around. Perhaps the first order of business if for Mom to either quit babysitting or go to the children's home to do it rather than expose them to this unacceptable behavior from Dad.
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Caregiving your parents is never going to be wonderful. All you can hope for is to take good care of them have as many happy moments as you possibly can. I started caregiving my parents in 2008. My father died in 2011 at the age of 96. my mother moved in with me when you're later and she is now 94. My mantra with both of them has always been I will take care of you as best as I can and do everything necessary but this has got to be a team effort. I usually pulled that one out when they were being uncooperative about some change I wanted to initiate for their care. I think as long as you stick by that and your parents agree to it even if you have to make them re-agree every day, it can work. That doesn't mean you won't have some rough times. If they're not cooperative and you really have no choice but to hire outside help or have been medicated in someway by a doctor. The important thing is to be realistic about yourself and them, which means there's only so much you can do. If they can still comprehend that and you should be able to work it out with them, if they can't then you're going to need some professional help. Good luck and try to stay positive.
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Thank you for all your responses. I appreciate all your advice. I should clarify that my mother is not babysitting my kids. One is 21 and walks there after work, the 2nd just turned 18 and just graduated from high school. The 3rd is 8 but when I suggested putting him in daycare, my parents became extremely upset and said they want him to come there before and after school. My older 2 kids do alot of his caregiving for their younger brother, such as taking him to the bus stop and picking him up from there as well. My 2 older kids also do alot of work around my parents' house as well, that my parents aren't able to do anymore. Repairs, climbing ladders, mowing lawn, garden work, etc... My dad usually has a to-do-list for them of things he needs done that he can't do anymore. Believe me, if I thought the stress of having the kids there was an issue I would stop them from going there. I do agree with 'fregflyer". I believe my dad is acting out because he doesn't feel he's being listened to. When I do get a chance to speak to my dad alone, I do ask him why he does certain things, he his usual response is to irritate my Mom because he's tired of her criticizing and belittling him. When I speak to my Mom, she says she understands that my dad can't control some of his physical issues, but he's not willing to do things to make it better. I see alot of this as a marriage issue, not a caregiving issue...which I feel I should stay out of. But my Mom has me wondering if this is a caregiving issue and whether I should be stepping in or not. His doctors do not feel he has dementia and his issues are just physical, and age related mental forgetfulness. Again thank you for all your responses. I will take them all into consideration. My mother is going on a week long trip this week, and leaving my dad alone (my 18 yr old son is staying with him to keep an eye on him), I think I will take this week and talk to my dad more about some of the issues going on. I'm hoping with my Mom gone he'll be more willing to talk to me about them.
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Belle, your Mom hasn't given up, she is just burnt out. I am around your Mom's age, and we just don't have the same energy we had back when we were in our 30's or 40's. That happens with aging. Your Mom is tired.

You need to sit down with your parents and your brother and work out a 5-year plan with them.... and go over the *what ifs*.... I am trying to do that with my own parents, but its not easy as they think they will live forever.

Some of the *what ifs* would be.... what if your Mom is diagnosed with a serious illness [it happens as we age] plus stress can bring on a lot of ailments, then what would everyone do? Who would take care of your Father and your Brother? You?

What if your brother becomes ill, who will take care of him? What if your Dad would need 24/7 care, who will take care of him? What if your Dad lives another 20 years to be 99, would your Mom at 89 still be able to care for him? Or will you at whatever age you would be?

And you need to think of yourself, what if something happens to you where you couldn't care for your parents or your brother? We all think nothing serious would ever happen to us. I thought the same way until out of the blue I was diagnosed with cancer, and that turned my whole world upside down. Yet my parents still wanted me to shop for their groceries and drive them where ever they wanted to be.
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Thanks for clarifying, Belle. It sounds as if a breather for both of them would be a good place to start - it just makes me sad to think these people are on the same team, if only they could see it! Sad for you, too, and your children, loving them both. Best of luck, hope there's a sea-change very soon x
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Mom's trip is an excellent idea Belle it will give her time to rest and begin to sort things out in her own mind. How blessed to have children who are willing to spend time with their grandparents and also be willing to do so many chores around the house. I am sure the grandparents really appreciate their company too. Maybe your elder son could mention to gnpa to zip up when the kids are there. He can annoy his wife when they are on their own. Someone in that house could use some anti depressents but that is up to the Dr to decide. You are doing well Belle. keep your distance but supervise no stepping in. Your mother may be sick of the bad behaviours but aren't we all after so many years of marriage. So buy her a pair of those big girl panties for her birthday and a pack of Depends that look like regualr underwear for dad and he may actually wear them
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Thank you for clarifying. What a great job you did bringing up such caring young adults. you should be very proud of yourself and them. And now I understand your reluctance to get further involved. You and your children are already doing quite a bit. Veronica91 had great advice, soft yet to the point.
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I think you can also use the week your mom is gone to assess how much of dad's behavior is to annoy mom and how much (if any) is cognitive decline.

My parents were married for 65 years when my dad died and they had their ups and downs. I tried to intervene a few times and finally came to understand that my parents each had their "scripts" that they'd worked out over years and years of practice. I couldn't change either of them, so just let them try to figure it out. It was frustrating for me at times because one (dad) would be so stubborn. But I could also see why he was, because whenever he tried to do what mom wanted him to do, she'd criticize him about how he did it. So he couldn't win. Once I saw the full dynamic, I backed off. Keep us posted on how it goes while mom is on vacation. And I agree that you raised great kids if they're willing to help their grandparents out!
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Doing research about all dementia-related issues, may be a kind of care-giving as well. As long as you've presented ideas, which aren't accepted now, but may be "down the road", you've done alot of the work before the bad times really come. At some time, some of those websites you looked up and told them about will Have to be taken. The elderly involved don't really have time to look up research, because their concern is their family member, and possibly having to be with them all day.
Doing the research, and informing them, really then leaves the burden off of you, knowing you've made an effort.
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It sounds like this is very much a marriage issue and no child should be put in the middle of that. Only professionals. There is no way you can "fix" their marriage and a waste of time to try (to say nothing of the emotional and physical wear and tear.)
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