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My mother is 75 and her boyfriend (they had a marriage ceremony in Mexico years ago but they are not legally married ) now has severe dementia and she can't afford more than 10 hours a week of In-Home Care. His two kids are doing pretty well financially one is a lawyer and one is the dentist, but neither want to help their father financially. He doesn't qualify for Medicaid. They live in California where there's no common law. My mother lost 25% of her weight and her blood pressure has gone up all in the last year due to the stress of my stepdad and has constant hallucinating and getting up in the middle of the night etcetera etc. He needs some sort of full-time care. The question is, who is responsible to pay for it? My mother already owned her house when he moved in, but of course it has gone up in value in the last 20 years. Hoping somebody knows something about these issues, thank you.

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Our second opinion lawyer suggested we serve a 60-day notice to my mom's boyfriend for eviction. That is what we are doing. With the caveat that we have agreed to mediate with her boyfriend's kids if they want to discuss Options. But the primary goal is my mother's health she can't keep watching her boyfriend the caregiver stress has caused her to lose so much weight her bones are showing. So we want to get the boyfriend out of the house and it is up to his kids who have power of attorney to take care of him they should have been doing this all along. Yes after he is out of the house they want to sue us for Equitable interest or anything else along those lines we will go from there and possibly mediate with them. But in the meantime I need to Advocate for and protect my mother. She needs lots of sleep and food to regain her strength. We've told his kids many times for 6 to 9 months that my mother cannot continue to care for him and they have ignored our messages. That is why the lawyer said the best thing to do to get the ball rolling is to serve an eviction notice so they know we are serious and go from there. The notice was served today I will keep you all posted. Really hoping his kids step up to bat and do what's right for their father for the health of him as well as my mother.
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worriedinCali Feb 2019
Don’t mention anything about equitable interest to anyone! Has his children mentioned anything about that? Or is just something you are concerned about? He or his children would have to have the money to sue your mom and even if they do, his “equitable interest” may not be worth the legal fees so honestly I wouldn’t worry about that too much right now. Please do keep up updated! You are a wonderful son, you are absolutely right your mothers is your main concern and you have to look out for her best interests. Good luck!
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Does your mom want him "out of her house" because he is just not important to her anymore or does she still consider him to be her life partner, but wants to find the right care situation for him outside the home. It is clear she is tired & suffering emotionally & physically. Being the primary caregiver is equivalent to 3 or more fulltime jobs!!!
It sounds as if your focus is on getting rid of the problem with as little financial impact on mom as possible. Is this what your mom wants? Does she truly never want to see him again? Does she just want out of the whole relationship?
That is where this scenario is headed with lawyers or mediators dividing the property value & his children not wanting the responsibility for their father's care.
When my mom became mean & ugly with her dementia, her husband called me to come get "your mother." It never crossed his mind to find a suitable place for her care. Instead he wanted to wash his hands of the whole thing & get on with his life. It just doesn't work that way. He didn't appreciate me telling him she is "your wife" & not my problem. He just wanted out!!!
Make sure your mom is very clear in verbalizing her true wants & feelings before the bridges are burnt down.
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Igloo572 You are correct the first batch of lawyers we saw sad most likely her boyfriend probably does have Equitable interest in the house because they presented themselves as married even though they were never legally married. The daughter in England is power of attorney but supposedly the son who lives nearby also has power of attorney and not hundred percent clear on how that works. At any rate they think he is due Equitable interest from the time they got married in Mexico in 2007 until now and they want to take whatever money that comes out to be that we can figure out a mediation and use that for his care. The daughter said her and her brother will take the dad out of my mom's house and care for him in a facility with that money. We are seeing a lawyer for a second opinion this coming Monday. The house has about $500,000 of equity in it, however it's worth about the same as it wasn't 2007 it just went down in value and back up. So like somebody else said this may come down to are they really seen as married or not and how much equity does he deserve etc etc. I think we are leaning towards having a mediation and deciding an amount of equity of the house to give to her boyfriend for his care. Hopefully it doesn't get too messy in the amounts that my Mom feels is fair versus what the kids think is fair. Going to mediation and deciding all of this was the opinion of the first lawyers we saw, like I said it's a lot of it's a big decision so we are going to get a second opinion before we move forward. Obviously everybody wants what's best for the older people in this scenario. They mentioned Marvin vs. Marvin as a case that changed California from not having a hundred percent no common law just because you don't have a piece of paper, but like you said if you appeared married and had a little ritual and invited some friends as they did in Mexico for about 10 people that a judge my consider you married in a putative way. I will update you all more after next Monday thank you so much all of your advice has been so helpful!
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worriedinCali Feb 2019
Definitely get a 2nd opinion on the equitable interest. My MIL was in a similar relationship for, by my estimate, 22-25 years. Presented themselves as a married couple (but they never went to another country & had a wedding ceremony). They bought a house together 20 years ago this year but only my MILs name was on the house. He has no equitable interest per the estate attorney that drew up MILs trust and the attorney my husband hired when MIL died last year & he took over as successor trustee. My MILs former “spouse” did seek legal advise shortly after died, I am confident it was about the house since he lived there 20 years and did help pay the mortgage for a few years. MIL left the house to her 3 and his 2 kids and he can stay in the house until he dies as long as he pays the taxes and insurance and maintains the house. He was not happy about that, the house will be sold when he dies or moves out on his own (he can’t bring in any non-blood relatives so if he finds another lady friend and wants to live with her or get married, he has to leave the house) and he doesn’t want the money from the house going to the kids since they didn’t pay for the house. He can’t fight the trust & take the house. So I would get a second opinion.
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He is responsible to pay for it --- unless his welf-off sons suddenly become benevolent.
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Does he have a valid passport? Would he like to visit his children in the UK? If his health is stable and he can safely travel, buy him a ticket to stay there for at least a month and put him on the flight. Arrange for an escort if needed. Let his daughter know he is coming to visit. Make it clear that your mother can no longer care for him and as POA she will have to make arrangements for his care when he returns to the USA. Offer to help find an appropriate placement. Mom may feel better after a respite, and you will have the time to investigate options going forward. It sounds like he needs to move to a memory care facility. Find one and let his daughter know that she must complete the paperwork as his POA so that he can have a safe place to live with appropriate care. Make it clear that only she can take responsibility for his care since he and Mom are not legally married. Mom can't do it, you can't do it, and daughter has to. You and Mom will feel better knowing he is OK and that she no longer has the stress of being a full time caregiver. Daughter may appreciate the situation more if she can spend time with him.
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rovana Feb 2019
I could not see who actually had POA? Does this man have a POA? And is the daughter permanently resident in the UK? And what about the sons - where are they?
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I understand there are many possible legal issues. At the same time, I hate to see a situation like yours turned into a hopeless legal tangle when your problems are human and heartbreaking and street level. Getting wrapped up with lawyers, lawyer's fees and three countries just doesn't make sense to me. I've seen it a thousand times. People can avoid the real stuff by turning their problems into legal problems, especially when those problem simply can't be solved by lawyers. California Dept of Aging and Elder Services is your best bet.
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BethandDan Feb 2019
Right on.
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I am deeply sorry I even read this, or the advice, on treating another human, all over $$$. Seems like death panels on demand is the only cure.
Judge Judy sure is right when she says you take all the risk in the world by not having a legal marriage, all your protection goes out the window when POA and his mom want to save themselves loss of one F* dime over "that guy's ' care, and shove him on tothe taxpayers. USE ALL his SS for his care..how's that, instead of abandoning him.
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MaryKathleen Feb 2019
PrivateCitizen, I didn't get the idea it was because of money. The lady involved is worn out and burned out trying to care for this man. People with dementia can be extremely difficult to care for. If you re-read the post, she has lost 25% or her weight and her blood pressure has shot up due to stress. 40% of caregivers die before the one they are caring for. Something has to change or this lady will probably die before the man she has been caring for. Evidently she is not getting any help from his children, one at least lives in Great Britain.
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If they presented themselves as married to friends in LA and they were married in Mexico under Mexican law, he I’d bet is probably in a good position for his kids - even though they live in the UK - to consider getting a CA based attorney to do a palimony or partnership type of action against your mom or have him as a tenant of the home as he likely has all sorts of correspondence that shows him as living there eons with tenancy rights under CA laws. Evicting a person who cannot be competent and cognitive to understand an eviction proceedings can come back to seriously pose issues for your mom.

Its good you are seeing an attorney with your mom as to me you want to be in the directors chair for this drama.

If they presented themselves as a couple, presented themselves as married, sent Xmas cards or wedding gifts signed as how a married couple would do, their gonna be viewed as married if his daughter gets a real pit bull of a divorce atty.

perhaps why his London based daughter doesn’t seem overly concerned about if their “married” is cause marriage is not viewed in the UK like in the US.?
perhaps CountryMouse can add some insight as to this.
My friends in the EU, well most are couples with kids since forever and have never ever gotten married in the US traditional big church wedding, reception, name change etc. They are viewed as partners and it’s lots more fluid for how it ends or division of assets.
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Where is the OP CuriousSon.? This is turning into a lot of conjecture.
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CuriousSon Feb 2019
I posted an update in this thread a couple hours ago, thanks for your help
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Call rescue and tell them he fell and hit his head. When they take him to the hospital do not sign anything that tells them you will take responsibility for his care or pay his bills. They will try and get you to take him back but stand your ground and they will have to find placement for him. Go on vacation be unavailable by phone etc. for 2 weeks or more and by the time you return home he should be placed by the hospital in a nursing home for Alzheimer’s. Be unavailable by phone email etc. be gone until he is placed
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Sheilamerritt Feb 2019
Cruel and heartless omg. Nursing home or death chambers.. Are horrible
My family have been trained by professional
TO do this to me
May God help us
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Is he from the UK? Does he have a Green Card? I am asking because if so he is still a subject of the crown. He may be able to get benefits in England if he never gave up his citizenship.

Yes, how do you know the marriage wasn't legal?

I, too, think its time for his kids to step in.
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worriedinCali Feb 2019
Because it was probably just a religious ceremony which is not valid in the US. When you go to another country to get married, it’s a lot more complicated than getting married here.
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Are you sure that marriage ceremony is not legal? - just because it was done in another country doesn't automatically make it void so unless there was a reason that they couldn't be married [like one was still married to someone else] then they are married - time to check that out first because how to proceed hinges on making that clear
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worriedinCali Feb 2019
Incorrect. Do you know how marriages in foreign countries work? They are likely NOT married. If they had a religious ceremony-only, the marriage is not valid in the US. There is a bunch of requirements and fees in order for a marriage outside the US to be valid in the US.
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Please get on the phone with his daughter in UK. She needs to get her butt to CA to see what is going on with HER father. You can work together but this is her responsibility IMO.
Your mom, on the other hand, can't kick him out because he has dementia.
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If they aren't legally married, haven't been filing joint tax returns etc I don't see how she would be financially responsible for him any more than a child or friend who is given DPOA, POA for someone. If they share bank accounts it might be a little messier but still if they have separate provable income I'm not sure how Medicaid for instance can make a judgment on him not being smart with his money and essentially paying rent or simply contributing to the expenses of a house he doesn't own. We all have the right to be as foolish as we want with our money. Now I would think it needs to be very clear what money is his now and what his money is being spent on because it sounds like he will need to go on Medicaid eventually. Now that said I can understand your concern and your mom's about the financial side of it but as far as making decisions for him and watching out for him, is she POA, does she have any legal standing when it comes to caring for him when he can't? I would think that given their long relationship she would want to care for him and it sounds like you ae close to him, care about him as well, might you help her just as you would if he were your birth father (and they were still married)? I'm not sure why his children wont step in to help there must be some story there or perhaps they recognize your mom's place in his life, wife really an don't want to step on her toes. Have they at least offered help in any way, emotional support of her, do they come see him? Just because they are well off financially doesn't mean they need too or even should foot the bills, the other support yes most families want to be part of that in some form but really not taking on financial responsibility and letting the patient's income and assets support them isn't wrong. Might not be instinct or what you and I do to the best of our ability but the truth is the time, love and work we put into all the life details is far more valuable and taxing then writing a check.

It did just hit me that you might look into the legalities of common law marriage in their state, I don't know if that is something that the state can claim or not and even if they can I don't know if it means anything as far as the house for instance since he has never been on the deed. Still probably worth investigating maybe even consult an estate or elder attorney about all of it and how to get your (your mom's) ducks in order, you might even be able to combine the business of getting things set up for mom at the same time.
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worriedinCali Feb 2019
There is no common law marriage in their state (California). It’s not worth investigating or involving a lawyer over. California does not recognize common law. His daughter is POA. His children live in London, that’s probably why they haven’t stepped up.
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We don't really know much about the circumstances here, or the 20-year history, other than the fact that it happened. I hesitate to make any moral judgments; CuriousSon is concerned for his mother and her health and needs. The man's daughter DOES have a legal duty to step forward, and it appears that the man also has a child who is a lawyer who should also know the legal and moral duties involved as well.

I believe that the goal is to get the man into a long-term care situation. Many of us have been through that journey. The best step I took, for my mom, was to get her to a gerontologist who got us hooked up to social workers and the networks out there that helped us through the complicated Medicaid, Miller trust, spend-down maze. I hope that CuriousSon can find a similar means to get the man into a safe place, but also away from his mom so she can be safe and can regain her own health.
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polarbear Feb 2019
The man's daughter has POA. She has the AUTHORITY but not the OBLIGATION to act on his behalf. Big difference.
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I would send him to a hospital ER & after he gets there I would inform them that his living situation is no longer a safe environment because of his health & I would leave it up to them to figure it out & I know that sounds harsh & maybe even cruel but I know all to well about the stress that comes with taking care of a person with damentia as my mother has a form of damentia that comes with kidney failure & I'm 37 yo been taking care of my mother for the past 3 years & honestly if I had known it was going to be this hard I don't think I would have started as my own health has declined because you feel so wore out from taking care of them that you don't have the energy to take care of yourself & the stress & depression will take a huge toll on even the strongest people you know & even though it may seem cruel if it's the only option you have then I wouldn't see what choice you really have because I would put your mother first & do whatever was necessary because the stress can literally kill your mother & I'm sure from reading your post that the stress has already taken some time off her life & life is too precious to give away for a person that will never get better no matter what you do. My heart really goes out to you and your mom & stepdad I hope you find a better solution😢
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Your mother's boyfriend lives in California but his daughter with POA is in London - are they English? Is it a UK POA? When was it set up, do you know?

This is a question of quite how much responsibility she is shirking, having agreed to it. I'd have a lot more sympathy with her point of view if she hadn't done that.

You have had it formally established that the Mexican knees-up did not constitute a marriage, have you?

Poor man, but even more poor mother! I hope you'll find the way forward very soon.
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The Miller Trust sounds like an excellent idea here.

It is sad how things are going here, but it's the responsibility of the daughter who has POA to step up and handle things, as your mother clearly cannot.

Please do let us know what the lawyer advises, if you would.
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Come back and tell us what the lawyer says.
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Ideally his daughter should be dealing with this, but you have to be concerned about your mother and advocate for her. If he is incompetent, his POA needs to manage his affairs and care, or at least be available for signatures as necessary if you will do the leg work. Someone has to take charge of his care. Obviously it is too much for your mother.

Is that London UK or London US? I gather you have contact with her. She doesn't have to help him financially, but she does have the responsibility of managing his affairs which includes where he lives and the care he is getting. If she will not take that responsibility seriously, then you need to discuss with the lawyer how to proceed. As he is severely demented it is too late for another POA to be appointed. Guardianship is the next route to get the authority to act on his behalf and provide for his needs. That is expensive and a lot of work for the guardian,

Also you might benefit by visiting your local Agency for Aging and see if they have any ideas.

Good luck Let us know how you make out. This is a difficult situation,

ETA re your reply to worriedincal - check with the lawyer if evicting him in his state is advisable or would have repercussions for your mother, One route to getting him into care is if he is admitted to hospital your mother can refuse to accept him back home on the basis that she cannot provide proper care for him. Then they are obliged to find care for him. Possibly then, he could be made a ward of the state is the POA will not step in.

another idea - is your mother's PCP aware of the effect caring for this man is having on her? There might be a social worker in his office that could help;
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CuriousSon Feb 2019
Thank u so much! Will let u all know what our lawyer says mañana. PS yes UK
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Why is he not eligible for medicaid? Sounds like you need to consult an elder attorney at his cost. To qualify for medicaid any assets can be spent down, and/or if his income is too great a Miller trust can be created. " Miller Trust is a type of trust used to qualify a Medicaid applicant for Medicaid when the Medicaid applicant's income exceeds the state published Income." https://whlawoffices.com/miller-trust/

Is your mum POA? She is ill from the work and stress. 40% of caregivers die before the person they care for. This situation needs to change quickly. Good luck in helping her. She needs that right now.
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CuriousSon Feb 2019
He doesn't qualify for Medicaid simply because his Social Security pays monthly more then is allowed to have Medicaid. I have never heard of a Miller's trust I will definitely look into that! We are meeting with the lawyer tomorrow I will bring it up to him also
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he is responsible for paying for his own care. Your mother is not responsible and neither are his children. Are you sure he doesn’t qualify for medi-cal? The house isn’t his asset, it’s your mothers.
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CuriousSon Feb 2019
We hope so! If that is the case, how do we get him out of the house? I'm thinking a simple eviction and once he's kicked out I'm assuming his family won't let him live on the street but I don't know how legal and ethical that is. PS he doesn't qualify for Medicaid because his Social Security is more than the amount you're allowed to make to qualify for Medicaid, but I just learned of this Miller's trust somebody else commented will see if that will work.
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